Lord, I am so scared. I have poured out my heart and man has stomped on it--my man, the one You blessed me with. How do I deal with it? I know you aren't a stranger to this, but I am human in my feelings. What do I do? Do I ignore the hurts? I guess it's not my job at all to worry about the consequences I think josh should pay. Will I ever feel close to him, like I want? Is this the curse of Eve? Will marriage ever be what I dreamed it would be or what I read it could be, with only one person reading and caring about the other person. Josh says he is selfish. Aren't we supposed to care about the other person? What do I do, Lord?
The year was almost over, so many things happened in my life. February 1st is our move out day. God was still stirring in me, new things.
Our society has allowed "super spirits" to invade our lives, just like our "super viruses!" Instead of turning to God and having intimacy with Him; we have used asprin to fix a major problem. Men in leadership, especially, are being attacked. Satan is out stronger than ever, because of the power we have given him. IN order to gain a stronghold in our lives Satan has "uped" his game, and I am mad that we are sitting back unaware.
Why do leaders ignore the spirit realm? And if ther aren't why do they allow a little taste? These spirits are attacking God's leaders, and they are on the prowl.
I had to make sure the church we were going to be attending in Colorado really understand the spirit realm. Did they lay back and let the devil have his way? I wrote to the prayer pastory; I had an instant bond. She got it! She definitely didn't sit back and let Satan have his way! I was so excited.
I believed 2009 was the year of new beginnings, and I wanted to walk confidently and uprightly in WHO God wanted me to be. Lord, take me to a deeper level; show me what You would have me to do. Lead me and hold me close. Protect me from things that would harm. Make my path clear to me. I love Who You are; You will never hurt me. No matter what I have Your unconditional love. Use me to be that for others. Open my eyes to the traps Satan may have laid out. Help me to remember my armor. You are my friend, and I never want to lose sight of You.
Sunday, April 4, 2010
Saturday, April 3, 2010
Story of Hope and Restoration--Part 65
A pastor friend called to encourage me NOT to move. She had reservations, thinking Josh was making me move. I did not want to be blinded by my desire to move, so I asked her to continue to pray and let me know. Praying for God to shut doors that needed to be shut became a matter of priority. Confirmation to move started coming from more and more directions. As long as Josh wasn't pushing me to move and get me all alone, people became more calm.
Hurts from Josh did still continue, despite making leaps and bounds. Josh told me that anything the other woman told me was a lie because she wanted me to feel better. They were a cute couple, and that it didn't matter what she said. They were good for each other. He got mad when I walked away. How could I not walk away? I didn't want to get angry, so he discussed with me about my bad attitude. He told me it was hard to find something to compliment me for, and that she was wonderful enough to leave us for. Yikes!! Would it ever stop?
The other woman could not believe that Josh did not make me feel like the most amazing person in the world, since he did with her? Well, no, Josh made me feel ugly, unappreciated, forgettable, useless, and sad, and unworthy. It's a good thing I know God, because I could not have done it without him. The lies of Satan can only be deafened by the truths of God.
Josh decided to read Wild at Heart, and he asked if I would please read it so that I would understand him better. Of course, I did. But would he read Captivating to understand me better? How did he think I felt to always feel neglected? He didn't want to know me.
Josh wasn't feeling any remorse, in my opinion. He said everything was fine for him. He didn't care about the PD job; it was no big deal that he didn't get it. (they didn't accept him because of the issues with his past, showing a lack of integrity....in his present situation) Not playing the keyboard at our annual Christmas program was not hard at all. What has been hard? If none of his sin had any consequences that were hard, then what would make him not do it again?
Hurts from Josh did still continue, despite making leaps and bounds. Josh told me that anything the other woman told me was a lie because she wanted me to feel better. They were a cute couple, and that it didn't matter what she said. They were good for each other. He got mad when I walked away. How could I not walk away? I didn't want to get angry, so he discussed with me about my bad attitude. He told me it was hard to find something to compliment me for, and that she was wonderful enough to leave us for. Yikes!! Would it ever stop?
The other woman could not believe that Josh did not make me feel like the most amazing person in the world, since he did with her? Well, no, Josh made me feel ugly, unappreciated, forgettable, useless, and sad, and unworthy. It's a good thing I know God, because I could not have done it without him. The lies of Satan can only be deafened by the truths of God.
Josh decided to read Wild at Heart, and he asked if I would please read it so that I would understand him better. Of course, I did. But would he read Captivating to understand me better? How did he think I felt to always feel neglected? He didn't want to know me.
Josh wasn't feeling any remorse, in my opinion. He said everything was fine for him. He didn't care about the PD job; it was no big deal that he didn't get it. (they didn't accept him because of the issues with his past, showing a lack of integrity....in his present situation) Not playing the keyboard at our annual Christmas program was not hard at all. What has been hard? If none of his sin had any consequences that were hard, then what would make him not do it again?
Friday, April 2, 2010
Story of Hope and Restoration--Part 64
Giving your child a taste of alcohol in order to make them realize they don't like it? Where do these thoughts come from? Did Josh filter all of his beliefs through God or the world?
Struggles with family over our life together weighed on me, moving was something we felt we needed to do. BUT everyone did not agree. I hated going against the feelings of others. Yes, even though I could stand my ground for my marriage, some things were still very hard for me. Not everyone was feeling good about where we were in our marriage. Understandably, of course!
Josh's apologies were empty, but they were there. So, it was progress...to me! Hey, he wasn't still gone?
I felt so foolish at times. We were moving to another state, and I had a husband who specifically said he had no feelings for me. I didn't understand WHY he had no feelings for me. When did he think he would have some? I did NOT feel foolish when it came to knowing what I was walking into. I knew that Josh's problems with women would not go away with moving, but I knew for me that healing would be easier.
I felt I was risking it all, a risk to hurt again. It was hard to give my hear to someone that had so easily crushed it. My heart still hurts; I still cry, but in that, I feel! If I stop crying and hurting it won't heal properly, If I pretend that it's not there and deal with it, unexpectedly my heart will start to bleed because it wasn't healed properly.
I trust God to keep me safe, but I do worry about Josh. Settling in and feeling like he is safe. I am not so concerned about him failing I worry about the affects on the kids and if I could do it alone.
Josh and I were not spiritually in-tune; we had not been for years. I so badly wanted to pray together, do devotions together. I didn't want to make Josh do things he knows are a good idea. Josh knows from years of teaching that we were not spiritually close.
Lord, as Josh and I continue to walk this road of restoration, please guide us, lead us to stay grounded in You. Point us to the things we need to address. Increase true intimacy. I need my husband fully decoted to You, that will help him to stay focused on the task he need to accomplish to fulfill his destiny. I ask You to do the same for me. Keep me focused on You, not him. Keep me surrounded by Your love.
Our move was getting closer, and I was feeling all alone. Josh was in agreement, but otherwise I felt very alone. We had to do this for us.
Struggles with family over our life together weighed on me, moving was something we felt we needed to do. BUT everyone did not agree. I hated going against the feelings of others. Yes, even though I could stand my ground for my marriage, some things were still very hard for me. Not everyone was feeling good about where we were in our marriage. Understandably, of course!
Josh's apologies were empty, but they were there. So, it was progress...to me! Hey, he wasn't still gone?
I felt so foolish at times. We were moving to another state, and I had a husband who specifically said he had no feelings for me. I didn't understand WHY he had no feelings for me. When did he think he would have some? I did NOT feel foolish when it came to knowing what I was walking into. I knew that Josh's problems with women would not go away with moving, but I knew for me that healing would be easier.
I felt I was risking it all, a risk to hurt again. It was hard to give my hear to someone that had so easily crushed it. My heart still hurts; I still cry, but in that, I feel! If I stop crying and hurting it won't heal properly, If I pretend that it's not there and deal with it, unexpectedly my heart will start to bleed because it wasn't healed properly.
I trust God to keep me safe, but I do worry about Josh. Settling in and feeling like he is safe. I am not so concerned about him failing I worry about the affects on the kids and if I could do it alone.
Josh and I were not spiritually in-tune; we had not been for years. I so badly wanted to pray together, do devotions together. I didn't want to make Josh do things he knows are a good idea. Josh knows from years of teaching that we were not spiritually close.
Lord, as Josh and I continue to walk this road of restoration, please guide us, lead us to stay grounded in You. Point us to the things we need to address. Increase true intimacy. I need my husband fully decoted to You, that will help him to stay focused on the task he need to accomplish to fulfill his destiny. I ask You to do the same for me. Keep me focused on You, not him. Keep me surrounded by Your love.
Our move was getting closer, and I was feeling all alone. Josh was in agreement, but otherwise I felt very alone. We had to do this for us.
Thursday, April 1, 2010
Story of Hope and Restoration--Part 63
Hosea 7:14 there is a crying in true repentance
Yearly, get-togethers for the holidays brought bitter-sweet emotions. Thinking about how Josh almost missed it, and then having to do things and keep it together and be strong.
Who was going to see us together, that saw "them" together? I was emotionally drained. Josh thought about the future, but he rarely talked about fixing the damage of the past. Josh's philosophy just included time.
Thinking about the words he spoke sometimes escaped him, like asking me if we should keep the mattress he bought! He thought maybe we could keep it for the kids, if I didn't want it? For real? We stopped fighting about these things; most of the time I would calmly give my answer, then go cry later. Many people talked about how nice I was to him, but he always argued. He felt I made things difficult, and I complained to much. My heart ached for some sympathy from my husband.
Josh says he felt no guilt or shame after having sex with other woman, this was so hard for me to swallow. I am certainly glad he didn't lie, but I could not imagine. Many things still needed a major cleansing.
Did Josh even know what he wanted? Sometimes ministry, sometimes a farm, sometimes neighbors, sometimes he liked to do things, other times he liked home? Which was it?
I knew ONE thing I wanted.....I wanted him to HATE what he did out there. I didn't hear hate; I heard a longing to return. Yes, still....over a month and it still was far from over!
He said he would fake it until he feels it; I wondered if he would ever feel it? Would I ever know? It's so hard to hear your husband say he is faking it!
Yearly, get-togethers for the holidays brought bitter-sweet emotions. Thinking about how Josh almost missed it, and then having to do things and keep it together and be strong.
Who was going to see us together, that saw "them" together? I was emotionally drained. Josh thought about the future, but he rarely talked about fixing the damage of the past. Josh's philosophy just included time.
Thinking about the words he spoke sometimes escaped him, like asking me if we should keep the mattress he bought! He thought maybe we could keep it for the kids, if I didn't want it? For real? We stopped fighting about these things; most of the time I would calmly give my answer, then go cry later. Many people talked about how nice I was to him, but he always argued. He felt I made things difficult, and I complained to much. My heart ached for some sympathy from my husband.
Josh says he felt no guilt or shame after having sex with other woman, this was so hard for me to swallow. I am certainly glad he didn't lie, but I could not imagine. Many things still needed a major cleansing.
Did Josh even know what he wanted? Sometimes ministry, sometimes a farm, sometimes neighbors, sometimes he liked to do things, other times he liked home? Which was it?
I knew ONE thing I wanted.....I wanted him to HATE what he did out there. I didn't hear hate; I heard a longing to return. Yes, still....over a month and it still was far from over!
He said he would fake it until he feels it; I wondered if he would ever feel it? Would I ever know? It's so hard to hear your husband say he is faking it!
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