I brought my favorite book to the other woman's house, and I left it for her. Josh knows the book. It was hard to bring, because it was the best book (besides the Bible) that I could recommend for marriage. At the time, I felt like such a hypocrite. She told me if it had worked, then he wouldn't be gone. Well, I had to do what God told me to do. I had to pray for her marriage, too!
Josh came for dinner, and I could see the after affects of the birthday binge. BUT I had to love him even at his lowest point. He knew that I knew what he had done. YET, I said nothing. He even said, "I know you should hate me!" When he left, he told me I looked really good this pregnancy. Yes, I did! AND he was missing out!
I prayed that the end would draw near. I knew it would end, but it didn't feel like it. Since the pendulum swung home I was prepared for a bad day. Josh informed me he was with someone, and he was napping that's why he didn't answer the phone when the kids called. As IF I needed to know that. He also wanted the security password off his computer, so he could have access. Yuck, why? I thought everything was just fine? I could not take responsibilty for his downhill spiral, but it was very hard to watch.
A few days later, the clock swung back home...he came over. I went for a walk while he played with the kids. I had to go and pray. When I got back he had put the kids to bed, and he stayed for a while. He talked all about his feelings about God and fighting. He said everyone just thinks he was always horrible. God never helped him. He didn't feed the bad part "ALL OF THE TIME!" It doesn't take a lot!! He felt no one ever supported his dreams. Trying to remind him of all the things I did do, seemed hopeless. Buying him tickets to conferences, song-writing retreats, keyboard, and many other things seemed dumb. I just listened. He was deaf and blind. He was confused.
He said he doesn't have it in him to wait around for things to happen. Well, he may feel that way. He is going to get really scared then, all alone, with no help. I don't know what kind of support, love, and devotion he thinks he's getting from the world? What more devotion can you get than a wife who sticks around after you are unfaithful her entire marriage as you continue to throw it in her face?
He admitted he was sinning; he admitted it was fun. He said he doesn't care about the shame? Oh, God, help him. Someday.....I believed it was all a front, too! His bottom lip would quiver, just a bit, a sign that he did FEEL something. I believed he was ashamed, even if he couldn't admit it. He wanted me to move on, to stop caring. He wanted it to be easier on him, and I wasn't making it easy for him!! He wanted to know how I could be so nice, when he was so mean?
Sin is only pleasurable for a season. Satan would hand Josh a bill sooner or later. I just prayed that bill would not be too high!
Sunday, February 28, 2010
Small Intermission
I love you, Josh! I am thrilled that you are still supporting me through this whole writing process. I know you are a faithful reader of my blog, and I appreciate it. I know that you have had some extra difficult days re-reading some of these days. We are so past this, and I cannot be more thrilled. Satan blinded your eyes and ears, and he used you in horrible ways.
God spared you even in the midst of all of this, and I see why, now! It's a process you may not have been able to handle when you first came home. God needed to use all of this, but it had to be in His timing. We are blessed that our children have been spared some of these memories, and we will all be stronger for it.
As we have talked through some of these horrible days, it's such a comfort to hear you say you were so stupid. I know it's hard for you, but this has brought even more healing to me. You have been gracious about how much I have written, and we have been able to talk about the other things I have not shared on here. I love feeling your approval; I know that I had God's.....but this is OUR story. God is getting the glory through all of this mess, and I could ask for nothing more. You ARE the great man of God I believed you could be....allow God to continue molding you and shaping you into His image.
As you die to your old man, you bring glory to Him who has brought you this far. I love you with all of my heart. Thanks for reading our story so faithfully; it's a great help to me!
God spared you even in the midst of all of this, and I see why, now! It's a process you may not have been able to handle when you first came home. God needed to use all of this, but it had to be in His timing. We are blessed that our children have been spared some of these memories, and we will all be stronger for it.
As we have talked through some of these horrible days, it's such a comfort to hear you say you were so stupid. I know it's hard for you, but this has brought even more healing to me. You have been gracious about how much I have written, and we have been able to talk about the other things I have not shared on here. I love feeling your approval; I know that I had God's.....but this is OUR story. God is getting the glory through all of this mess, and I could ask for nothing more. You ARE the great man of God I believed you could be....allow God to continue molding you and shaping you into His image.
As you die to your old man, you bring glory to Him who has brought you this far. I love you with all of my heart. Thanks for reading our story so faithfully; it's a great help to me!
Saturday, February 27, 2010
Story of Hope and Restoration--Part 26
His birthday had arrived. I wasn't about to let Satan take away something that had been mine for 8 years. So, I got up early to text him! I said, "Happy Birthday." Yes, HAPPY....I prayed that God would give him a NEW BIRTH!! He texted back to ask me if the house was getting colder? And if he needed to stop by to get me some firewood chopped? Hmmm...another excuse to come home? It was raining, so he wasn't working. Those days were extra hard, as they were our funnest days. We got Josh all to ourselves. Abishai had a hard time with it, because he woke up so excited. Daddy was going to have the day off? Sometimes Abishai, being only 3, got confused. Maybe Daddy was just working this whole time?
I cried a lot while the kids were gone. Josh thanked me for allowing them to go, that's so wrong. You should never have to thank your children for coming to your party.
Josh got a designated driver for his 30th birthday. I am sure he was drunk even before he left to go party. I heard from people who happened to be at the bar as well, that he was stumbling around like an idiot. I just prayed that God would protect his life.
I was also very grateful that I was not having the baby, because it put a whole new spin on what I would do if he showed up drunk? Would I still let him in?
Lord, give Josh a new heart. Make nothing bring satisfaction to him but You. Help him to realize only You can bring him what he needs. Break the spirit of pride and release humility. Lord, dissolve his hatred for You, Lord. Help him to realize it's not about Your hand but Your face. You bring peace to a life, if nothing else. Josh needs to not feel that life revolves around the things You do for us, everything should bring glory and honor to You. I call Josh out of darkness and into light. The blinders need to be removed from his eyes, and his ears unplugged. All "pleasures" I command you to be empty and unfulfilling. Josh, come to your senses. Lord, only You can bring my husband home. Thank You for Your promises to me.
I cried a lot while the kids were gone. Josh thanked me for allowing them to go, that's so wrong. You should never have to thank your children for coming to your party.
Josh got a designated driver for his 30th birthday. I am sure he was drunk even before he left to go party. I heard from people who happened to be at the bar as well, that he was stumbling around like an idiot. I just prayed that God would protect his life.
I was also very grateful that I was not having the baby, because it put a whole new spin on what I would do if he showed up drunk? Would I still let him in?
Lord, give Josh a new heart. Make nothing bring satisfaction to him but You. Help him to realize only You can bring him what he needs. Break the spirit of pride and release humility. Lord, dissolve his hatred for You, Lord. Help him to realize it's not about Your hand but Your face. You bring peace to a life, if nothing else. Josh needs to not feel that life revolves around the things You do for us, everything should bring glory and honor to You. I call Josh out of darkness and into light. The blinders need to be removed from his eyes, and his ears unplugged. All "pleasures" I command you to be empty and unfulfilling. Josh, come to your senses. Lord, only You can bring my husband home. Thank You for Your promises to me.
Friday, February 26, 2010
Story of Hope and Restoration--Part 25
Am I in denial? Does he just tolerate me because I am the mother of his children? Why would he invite me to his birthday? Does he maybe love me, still? Does he feel any guilt? Does he miss my eyes? Does he miss my smile? Does he miss my laugh? Does he miss my cooking? Does he miss my touch? Was everything we shared a lie? Did he ever love me? The questions never seemed to end...........neither did the prayers!
Lord, break the binds that hold Josh captive. Remove the blinders from his eyes. Unplug his ears. May no relationship outside of a restored, right relationship with You, bring peace and satisfaction. In You, he will be obedient and in You he will find his way home. Thank you, Lord, for the husband you have given me and the father you have made him. Let Josh see You in a new way. May he come to his senses.
Josh would call me and give me updates on his police application. He asked me to find addresses and referrals and papers he might need? I often got looks from people! Why not make him do it himself? Well, I was his wife. As much as it hurt to say, "yes...I will do that for you"....I had to! He stopped calling me, Babe, at this point. It was so bitter-sweet. He called to talk with me for 25 minutes about his test for the police job; he called 3 times, since I didn't answer the other times. I had to have been the first person he called. It seemed to me I was getting through to him that I cared, no matter how hurtful he was to me. AND even if he wouldn't admit it...he knew I was the only one who REALLY cared.
Then, he called to talk to me about selling our car. He figured if it was just the kids and me, then we could deal with something smaller. We only had 4, so we didn't need a bigger one. He often said small things like this that could break my heart. It hurt to see him making plans. When I got the kid's pictures taken he asked if he could please get 8x10s of them for HIS wall. He did these things on purpose, knowing they would hurt.
Lord, break the binds that hold Josh captive. Remove the blinders from his eyes. Unplug his ears. May no relationship outside of a restored, right relationship with You, bring peace and satisfaction. In You, he will be obedient and in You he will find his way home. Thank you, Lord, for the husband you have given me and the father you have made him. Let Josh see You in a new way. May he come to his senses.
Josh would call me and give me updates on his police application. He asked me to find addresses and referrals and papers he might need? I often got looks from people! Why not make him do it himself? Well, I was his wife. As much as it hurt to say, "yes...I will do that for you"....I had to! He stopped calling me, Babe, at this point. It was so bitter-sweet. He called to talk with me for 25 minutes about his test for the police job; he called 3 times, since I didn't answer the other times. I had to have been the first person he called. It seemed to me I was getting through to him that I cared, no matter how hurtful he was to me. AND even if he wouldn't admit it...he knew I was the only one who REALLY cared.
Then, he called to talk to me about selling our car. He figured if it was just the kids and me, then we could deal with something smaller. We only had 4, so we didn't need a bigger one. He often said small things like this that could break my heart. It hurt to see him making plans. When I got the kid's pictures taken he asked if he could please get 8x10s of them for HIS wall. He did these things on purpose, knowing they would hurt.
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