September 9, 2007
Could it REALLY be a month??? This was the longest we had every been apart. I had so many decisions to make. My life was in such limbo. I had never had to cook for just me! My life revolved around Josh. The kids knew they were not number 1 in my life; they never were!
I had to decide if I wanted to celebrate the Feast of Trumpets. (a Jewish holiday) It was so hard to plan life without Josh. I so badly wanted him to be a part of our life. My heart was staying soft towards him, and I believe it was only God's grace. I hurt so deeply. My heart was getting a glimpse of the fact that it wasn't about US anymore; it was about HIS salvation. I wasn't sure if the kids could handle what the holiday meant. Without repentance, the judgment was hell. I wondered if they would think of Josh?
By this time, Josh had moved out of our house. He found a room to rent. Wow, it was so unreal!! He moved a lot of his things out. I could not believe how empty my closet was. I immediately filled it and spread all of my things out. Hey, it was MY closet now, right?
I took all of our pictures down. I didn't want to see his face. It was such a rollercoaster of emotions for me. What was I feeling; I still seemed to be so torn. HATE AND LOVE???
Josh would still call and bless the kids???? It really made no sense to me. He said he wanted nothing to do with God. How do you bless your kids then? He told me it wasn't a spiritual thing. Oh, ok!
When he found out about Abishai he told me to make sure I wasn't giving him too much ice cream, since we didn't want him growing up with a complex! Are you serious?? I wanted to SCREAM!!!! What on earth was he doing? A complex??? Don't you think leaving your family is a whole lot worse than ice cream? When your 3 year old son misses his daddy so much he is depressed!!! Anyway, I would keep my mouth shut. Some of these things were battles I no longer wanted to fight. I would continue doing my best.
1 comment:
I'm going to have to go to bed but I have read up to here so far and thank you so much for sharing!! I have gone through similar things with my husband. He will call and pray over the kids and if I say something about how one of them is upset or something he says, "Oh, they'll be fine. God will take care of them." I'm like, "seriously?! YOU are creating the problem and justifying it by saying God will take care of me and the kids?!" AH! Anyway, this is such an encouragement to me. I hate that we have to go through crap like this but I'm so glad that God is faithful to be beside us!
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