Let Go and Let God

Like everything else we talk about, it's all about God.  It's Him that gives us the strength to stand.  It's Him that causes our hearts to stay soft.  It's Him that leads us down the path that we must walk.  He's the One.  He's the One that will be bringing your spouse home.  He's the One that will cause you to be ready for them to come home.  That brings up a great question: Are you ready for your spouse to come home?

If your spouse walked through the door could you welcome them with open arms as the father welcomed his prodigal home?  Do you need to hear them give a speech? Do you expect them to owe you? Do you expect a honeymoon stage?  Or do you just want your spouse back where God wants them and allow God to keep working on them?

When God brought Josh home, Josh was in no way sweeping me off my feet and apologetic for his behavior.  It was only prayer that kept him home.  So, if you think that it's hard to pray your spouse home don't think that the battle ends there.  The battle to keep them home is just as hard, if not harder.

Your spouse heard you say your home was a safe place; they heard you say you wanted them home.  They want to know if it's really true.  They know they have done wrong but they will not knowingly walk into a place that is full of misery.  Misery comes from the devil and the devil has just spent the the last few days, weeks, months, and years making them miserable...do you think they want to move back into that scenario?  So, here's the question again: Are you ready for your spouse to come home?

Have you allowed God to work and change YOU into the spouse He has called you to be?

Every time you have an argument do you bring up the past?  Do your conversations always end up in an argument?  Remember about misery?  It's from the devil.  And your spouse doesn't want that.  They want peace.  They want to come home to peace.  Are you showing them peace?  Peace comes from the Prince of Peace.  So, the question we asked must be turned into: Are you being Jesus to your spouse?

We are called to be like Jesus.  We are called to love like Him.  Unconditional.  Without reservation.  Some would call it tough love.  Jesus loves each of us like this.  Regardless of what we do to Him He continues to love us.  He never punishes us.  His love calls us into right relationship.  And the same applies to our spouses.  We are not called to punish them for what they did to us.  We are called to love them back into right relationship.  Yea, they might just keep taking from you and not giving anything back.  How many times have we done that to Jesus and His love has not faltered towards us.


We have been on this path for about 5 years, and we know that bringing up the past is going to happen.  BUT it does not have to happen in the middle of a fight.  There is nothing more harmful than attacking your spouse for the wrongs they have done.

Josh is up in New York right now.  Yes, my husband who spent years and years cheating on me is in a strange city, hotel rooms, bars, and free time.  Did we talk about the past before he left? You bet, we did.  Did we fight about it--NO!  Being wise in conversation is a good thing, talking about touchy subjects is good.  You will not grow and heal without them, but you have to pray for God to bring your spouse to that place.  Remember, we have been on this road longer than most of you, and Josh was NOT going to talk peacefully when he first came home.  You can not expect your spouse to be like Josh is now when he comes home.  It would be reasonable to assume that he will try to sneak off and hook up with his mistress.  You should probably expect that he will yell at you and make life miserable.  You might expect that you will never get past that first week.  But you will.  Keep praying and be sure to keep your heart quiet.

I don't trust Josh to keep his act together. I don't trust myself to not fall.  I would be a fool if I did.  I only trust God to keep us both.  Our relationship with God is what keeps us from falling.  Sending Josh away may not be easy, but it helps me to keep trusting that God is going to protect us.

It may sound cliche' but the adage, "Let go and let God" couldn't be more true.  We must let go and put complete trust in Him in order to restore our broken lives and marriages.

The Ultimate Valentine

I realized that many will not be remembered on this day of hearts, ribbon, and candy. An elderly woman may be sitting at home alone with no phone calls from children or friends. A homeless man may be scavenging through garbage cans in search of his next meal. A child may sit in his bedroom afraid while his parents argue and scream from another room. And, then there is the stander--hurt, betrayed ,and alone.  Although this day was set aside as a holiday to express love and thoughtfulness to loved ones, many will be left with broken dreams and a feeling of loneliness. Our Savior and redeemer, Jesus Christ, came and demonstrated His love in a way that no one else could, He opened His arms wide on Calvary while He hung on a cross to show His love to a world that needed embracing from it's Creator.

How could this wonderful Savior love us in such a way? God’s word says, “God demonstrated His own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” (Rom. 5:8). Even before we had a clue that we were in need of a Savior, God poured out His love. This was not an “all talk and no action” God, this was the King of the universe standing behind His word and putting love into action.

Red roses, hearts, candy, balloons did not greet Him as he walked to Calvary. He bore thorns of injustice, hate, and sin upon His brow. Jesus did not experience being loved when His disciples scattered and one denied Him. Because of His great love towards us, the Son of God took upon Himself the torment that was the weight of our sins.He did all this and became the ultimate valentine for the entire world. He showed His great love for us in a way that no one else could. Nor will there ever be another who has loved us is such a magnificent way. “Greater love has no one than this, that He laid down His life for His friends.” (John 15:13). Spend today basking in His love. 

Pray for your spouse. Pray that He is making them into the person He created them to be. Intercede specifically for wisdom, vision, meekness and humility. Ask the Holy Spirit to empower you to live a life of purity in this often sensual-driven society. Ask the Holy Spirit to empower your spouse to do the same. It doesn't matter how it looks on the outside. I believe that God wants;us to be people that love His Word, His people, and His Presence, so I pray for those desires to trump all others. Pray that God will give your spouse only eyes for you. Pray that God remove the other person. 

Until the day you can celebrate Valentine's Day the way you imagine, allow God to make you into the person that He created you to be. Allow God to be always be your Ultimate Valentine; He earned it. 

Pray: Lord, I ask You to imprint Your love into the depths of my heart. I believe You have a great future for me and that I can walk in Your purpose for my life. Amen.

For your Maker is your husband--the LORD Almighty is his name--the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer; he is called the God of all the earth. Isaiah 54:5

Caught In The Crossfire

Lately, we have been seen a huge increase in the readership of this blog.  Also, we have been getting a lot of emails from many of you out there asking for prayer and support.  And something that we have seen in many of those emails and stories are children caught in the horrible tragedy of a broken home.  Your children and the health of their spirits is what prompted this blog post.

What do you do with the children that have been caught in the middle of your home?  How do you deal with them?  But more specifically, how do you protect their view of your spouse?  Don’t forget; your spouse is also their parent!

When we were dealing with Josh’s absence from our home, I made sure that I did not poison them against him.  And I would not allow anyone else to talk bad about Josh around the kids.  I did not tell them all of the terrible things that he was doing or saying.  Yes, I told the kids that we needed to pray for Daddy.  I also told them that Daddy was running from God.  I did not lie to them.  However, I did not allow the weight of his sin to be carried by them.  And still, they suffered tremendously.  But now, looking back there is nothing that I would have changed about how I dealt with Josh, the kids, and God.  God is now able to receive all the glory in the way our kids hearts have come through that whole ordeal unscathed and open to Him.

As we share with you make sure that you keep in mind that our story is our story.  What we did and dealt with may have many of the same details but it is not your story.  We believe that the outcome can be the same (a restored marriage) but how you get to that place must be lead by the Holy Spirit.  Use our story as beacon of hope that God is in the business of restoring hearts, marriages, and people.  However, please do not use our story as a way of expecting what will happen and when.  It is easy to allow yourself to demand that God hold to the same timeline that He had us on and become frustrated and discouraged when it doesn't happen.  Your marriage will be restored and you will have your very own testimony.  Allow God to write it.

So, when Josh left he didn't physically leave right away.  He moved into the garage for a few weeks before he moved out.  He attempted to still do the things with the kids like he had every other day.  But there was only so much of his rebellion that I could take.  You could say that I forced him to move out and you would be correct.  But, I didn't force him to leave just to be hateful towards him.  I forced him to leave for the health of my family.  I knew in my spirit that whatever it was that Josh was dealing with would be harmful if left free in our home.  Making him leave was going to be best for the kids.

During that whole process I had to rely on the Holy Spirit to tell me what to do because I had no reference to look to.  Who did I know that had walked through this?  Who could tell me what to expect?  The answer: no one.  Only God, in His omniscience, had the ability to lead me through the heart-wrenching decisions that had to be made in order for my kids to remain close to God and for Josh to be rescued.

After Josh moved out, the kids and I prayed for him.  If you take nothing else away from this, take this.  Pray for your spouse with your kids.  You know what they can handle as far as details go.  But you can tell them that Daddy/ Mommy is running from God and that every time that they pray for them God hears those prayers.  Remember, they are children.  You must lead them.  If you don’t pray for your spouse, they will not pray either.  Every night when I put the kids to bed I would ask them if they were my warriors!  Praying for Daddy became our battle cry!  Fight, Fight, Fight!  

Josh tried to play the “good” divorced dad.  But I knew that it would not last.  He would take them all out to dinner and would call them almost every day.  Our daughter would continually ask me when Daddy was coming home.  I had no answer for her other than to point her back to God and pray.  She would ask Josh and he would say he didn't know.  But she kept on praying, because I did.  When Josh was busy doing his "thing" I didn't allow that pain to be known; I would explain he was really busy and had things to do.  It's not worth giving details to make them deal with bitterness or anger. 

One of the biggest things that I did during that time was to not talk to the kids about Josh in a negative way.  The truth is that Josh was a scumbag and a total loser for walking out on his beautiful 7-month pregnant wife and 3 gorgeous children.  However, I could not allow those feelings any ground to set in.  You may feel these kind of emotions but you can NOT allow them to be mixed with a soft heart.  In order for me to feel those things would be my first sign that my heart was turning bitter.  I did not tell them that he was living a morally depraved life and that it would take a move of God to keep him from killing himself with his choices.  However, I did tell them that he was still my husband and that he was still their dad.  I told them that God still loved him and that God was going to rescue Daddy’s heart.  Regardless of what he did or was doing, those things were still true.  His position as husband, father, and child of God had not changed.  He may have forgotten them but I would be damned if I forgot that or let the kids forget that.  I had to see Josh in the same way that God saw Josh or all would be lost.

The position and role that your spouse occupied in your home is still their position and role.  They are still your spouse.  You are still married to them.  Your spouse is still your kid’s parent.  They may not want to fulfill those roles and may be unable to accurately do their duty but their role hasn't changed.

I reflected this concept to the kids.  Daddy was still daddy.  He was still my husband.  My actions did not show disrespect to him.  As hard as that was, I purposed to treat him like my husband even if he was not acting like it.  Therefore, my kids respected him as their dad because he was their dad. As far as they were concerned something didn't feel right, but they could not be burdened with the full weight. We went shopping for Daddy's birthday presents, and we talked about him coming home.  I may not have had the answers, but we were not going to allow NEVER into our home. 

There were some times that I denied Josh access to the kids.  That included not seeing them and not calling them.  Yes, it broke my heart to do it but at that moment I felt like that is what the Holy Spirit was leading me to do.  And then there were other times that I encouraged him to come over more and be around more than I had.  Again, that is what I felt led to do.  I cannot explain why I did those things other than to point back to the Holy Spirit.  He was leading, not me.

And as far as the other participant in that whole unholy equation, that was something I would not budge on.  I would not allow Josh to be with the kids and “her” at the same time.  It really did not come up but I made sure to keep our children away from any circumstance where they would have the opportunity to meet “her.”  But, this circumstance is another instance where you will have to rely upon the Holy Spirit’s guidance. Start praying and asking the Lord to give you grace and mercy so that you will act and react as Jesus would. Walk in unconditional love.  That is the secret in dealing with the other person.  Keep asking yourself, "What would Jesus say or do?"  It is a great thing if your spouse wants to be with them.  There are so many that do not care.  But, this is not just hard for you, it is very hard on your child.  Start praying and ask the Lord to remove this other person from coming to all functions and activities.  Prayer works!  You must realize that this is a battle done in prayer.  The times that Josh had the kids alone I spent the ENTIRE time praying; I didn't do anything else.  He had to use our car to take them, because we had so many car seats.  I prayed over his car.  Satan wanted nothing more than to cause even more hurt during those moments.  You just have to realize that it's a fight for what's right.  Let your prayer be Romans 12:9-21.

Like anything required for standing for your marriage this will not be easy.  It will take everything within you and probably some that you don’t have (which is why you need to have the Holy Spirit lead you) to treat your spouse as though their role has not changed.  But, if you are faithful to follow where he leads you will have the opportunity to see your children and their wayward parent to have a completely restored relationship. The kids saw me cry; they saw Josh and I  talk. They knew, however, when I dried my tears that my hurt was because of the pain this was causing.  My pain was not going to dictate my behavior.  They would never find me talking about how horrible he was being.

Today, Josh and the kids are beautiful together.  There is not any indication of his past missteps in their relationship.  Those horrific three months that he was gone are never talked about with the kids.  Not because we are hiding it from them.  In fact, I would be surprised if they even remember it happening.  This is not to brag about what we did but because of the awesome restoring power of our God.  The kids know that we have a passion for marriages because of things that we have gone through.  But that past does not enter into the relationship between Josh and the kids.  They love him tremendously and he loves them more.  They respect him and honor him in every way.  They will do anything for their daddy and he will do more for them.  I thank God that every day that I listened to the Holy Spirit and followed His lead in regards to what I should do in the horrible situation that we found ourselves in.  God receives all the glory in the relationship between me, Josh, and the kids.

Follow the Holy Spirit’s lead.  Pray for your spouse with your children.  Honor your spouse because their role demands it.  Don’t talk bad about your spouse even if you REALLY want to and don’t allow anyone else to do so.  Your children will follow if you set the example.  These are things that I did through the Holy Spirit and we are seeing the fruit of it now.

Josh and Serena

ALWAYS

Zombie Killer

Josh's book is available for free download today! 

February 3, 2013

No Grapes on the Vines

"Though the fig tree does not bud and there are no grapes on the vines, though the olive crop fails and the fields produce no food, though there are no sheep in the pen and no cattle in the stalls, yet I will rejoice in the LORD, I will be joyful in God my Savior. The Sovereign LORD is my strength; he makes my feet like the feet of a deer, he enables me to go on the heights." Habakkuk 3:17-19

Depression and oppression are one of the enemy's favorite tricks. He loves it when we start doubting that we have heard from God with regard to our marriages and families. He has circumstances come against us that tell us it is impossible. But we serve the God of the impossible and nothing is too big for Him. 

There is comfort in the name of Jesus. Sometimes that's the only word we can get out but it's the only name we need. Repeat it over and over if you have to and let His comfort wash over your soul. It will work!  Go to sleep speaking His name. Do not spend time talking about all of the negative.  Speak His Name.  Things happen when His Name is spoken.  Demons tremble when His Name is spoken.  Knees bow at His name.  Speak His Name.  Over and over and over.

Memorize this verse: 

"He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds. He determines the number of the stars and calls them each by name." Psalm 147:304 

This God who is so great that He numbers the stars and calls them each by name is the same God who wants to heal your broken heart and bind up your wounds. 

We would even recommend that you keep a bunch of note cards with verses that mean something to you in regards to your marriage.  Serena still has hers.  Sometimes circumstances have us bowed down in defeat and ready to quit; doubting that this is God's will for us. You found this website, not because you stumbled across it but because God lead you here.  You decided to take up this stand because God placed it upon your heart. Do not give up now! Many people are depending on you - your children, your family, your friends and most of all, your spouse. They need your prayers now more than ever. Don't let the enemy tell you otherwise. The enemy didn't put this on your heart, which means that he is the one going to try and convince you to give up. 

Sometimes the circumstances get to us and we just want to stop hurting. In order to do that, we have to stop caring. But apathy, like many other hurting emotions, is a tool of the enemy. He wants us to stop caring; he wants us to stop praying; he wants us to give up. Don't let the enemy's fiery darts dictate your stand. Getting depressed and giving up will destroy you. 

Ask God today--ask Him to renew and refresh your commitment. Ask Him to make your footing for your stance sure and stable.  Ask Him to place His peace in Your heart and make His Word real to you. Remember the promises He has made.

"As the rain and the snow come down from heaven, and do not return to it without watering the earth and making it bud and flourish, so that it yields seed for the sower and bread for the eater, so is my word that goes out from my mouth: It will not return to me empty, but will accomplish what I desire and achieve the purpose for which I sent it. You will go out in joy and be led forth in peace; the mountains and hills will burst into song before you, and all the trees of the field will clap their hands. Instead of the thorn bush will grow the pine tree, and instead of briers the myrtle will grow. This will be for the LORD's renown, for an everlasting sign, which will not be destroyed." Isaiah 55:10-13

We must continue to stand and continue to pray so that God may be glorified.

The enemy is always ready to use whatever weapon he feels will defeat us completely. Apathy is one of his favorite.  It isn't a direct attack that is easy to speak against. Instead, he sneaks in the back door with his apathy and whispers, "If you quit caring, you won't hurt anymore."  It may sound like he is telling you the truth.  But the truth is if you quit caring you will hurt worse and for longer.  

Don't be a quitter. As difficult as this is, especially when a stand has been long, it is something we are called to do. Our stories may be a different time frame, but I assure you the pain is real no matter the time.  

Remember that God is on your side, especially when circumstances want to drown you and the enemy wants to deceive you. Let Him refresh you with His Holy Spirit and restore you with His Word. Hold tight to His hand and don't let complacency rob you of the joy that He promises. The best is yet to come.

May God refresh and renew your spirit today. May He give you new insight into the circumstances you face. May He shine His light in your dark places and help you to shine like the child of God that you are.

"The promise is for you and your children and for all who are far off-for all whom the Lord our God will call." Acts 2:39 

Josh and Serena