Caught In The Crossfire

Lately, we have been seen a huge increase in the readership of this blog.  Also, we have been getting a lot of emails from many of you out there asking for prayer and support.  And something that we have seen in many of those emails and stories are children caught in the horrible tragedy of a broken home.  Your children and the health of their spirits is what prompted this blog post.

What do you do with the children that have been caught in the middle of your home?  How do you deal with them?  But more specifically, how do you protect their view of your spouse?  Don’t forget; your spouse is also their parent!

When we were dealing with Josh’s absence from our home, I made sure that I did not poison them against him.  And I would not allow anyone else to talk bad about Josh around the kids.  I did not tell them all of the terrible things that he was doing or saying.  Yes, I told the kids that we needed to pray for Daddy.  I also told them that Daddy was running from God.  I did not lie to them.  However, I did not allow the weight of his sin to be carried by them.  And still, they suffered tremendously.  But now, looking back there is nothing that I would have changed about how I dealt with Josh, the kids, and God.  God is now able to receive all the glory in the way our kids hearts have come through that whole ordeal unscathed and open to Him.

As we share with you make sure that you keep in mind that our story is our story.  What we did and dealt with may have many of the same details but it is not your story.  We believe that the outcome can be the same (a restored marriage) but how you get to that place must be lead by the Holy Spirit.  Use our story as beacon of hope that God is in the business of restoring hearts, marriages, and people.  However, please do not use our story as a way of expecting what will happen and when.  It is easy to allow yourself to demand that God hold to the same timeline that He had us on and become frustrated and discouraged when it doesn't happen.  Your marriage will be restored and you will have your very own testimony.  Allow God to write it.

So, when Josh left he didn't physically leave right away.  He moved into the garage for a few weeks before he moved out.  He attempted to still do the things with the kids like he had every other day.  But there was only so much of his rebellion that I could take.  You could say that I forced him to move out and you would be correct.  But, I didn't force him to leave just to be hateful towards him.  I forced him to leave for the health of my family.  I knew in my spirit that whatever it was that Josh was dealing with would be harmful if left free in our home.  Making him leave was going to be best for the kids.

During that whole process I had to rely on the Holy Spirit to tell me what to do because I had no reference to look to.  Who did I know that had walked through this?  Who could tell me what to expect?  The answer: no one.  Only God, in His omniscience, had the ability to lead me through the heart-wrenching decisions that had to be made in order for my kids to remain close to God and for Josh to be rescued.

After Josh moved out, the kids and I prayed for him.  If you take nothing else away from this, take this.  Pray for your spouse with your kids.  You know what they can handle as far as details go.  But you can tell them that Daddy/ Mommy is running from God and that every time that they pray for them God hears those prayers.  Remember, they are children.  You must lead them.  If you don’t pray for your spouse, they will not pray either.  Every night when I put the kids to bed I would ask them if they were my warriors!  Praying for Daddy became our battle cry!  Fight, Fight, Fight!  

Josh tried to play the “good” divorced dad.  But I knew that it would not last.  He would take them all out to dinner and would call them almost every day.  Our daughter would continually ask me when Daddy was coming home.  I had no answer for her other than to point her back to God and pray.  She would ask Josh and he would say he didn't know.  But she kept on praying, because I did.  When Josh was busy doing his "thing" I didn't allow that pain to be known; I would explain he was really busy and had things to do.  It's not worth giving details to make them deal with bitterness or anger. 

One of the biggest things that I did during that time was to not talk to the kids about Josh in a negative way.  The truth is that Josh was a scumbag and a total loser for walking out on his beautiful 7-month pregnant wife and 3 gorgeous children.  However, I could not allow those feelings any ground to set in.  You may feel these kind of emotions but you can NOT allow them to be mixed with a soft heart.  In order for me to feel those things would be my first sign that my heart was turning bitter.  I did not tell them that he was living a morally depraved life and that it would take a move of God to keep him from killing himself with his choices.  However, I did tell them that he was still my husband and that he was still their dad.  I told them that God still loved him and that God was going to rescue Daddy’s heart.  Regardless of what he did or was doing, those things were still true.  His position as husband, father, and child of God had not changed.  He may have forgotten them but I would be damned if I forgot that or let the kids forget that.  I had to see Josh in the same way that God saw Josh or all would be lost.

The position and role that your spouse occupied in your home is still their position and role.  They are still your spouse.  You are still married to them.  Your spouse is still your kid’s parent.  They may not want to fulfill those roles and may be unable to accurately do their duty but their role hasn't changed.

I reflected this concept to the kids.  Daddy was still daddy.  He was still my husband.  My actions did not show disrespect to him.  As hard as that was, I purposed to treat him like my husband even if he was not acting like it.  Therefore, my kids respected him as their dad because he was their dad. As far as they were concerned something didn't feel right, but they could not be burdened with the full weight. We went shopping for Daddy's birthday presents, and we talked about him coming home.  I may not have had the answers, but we were not going to allow NEVER into our home. 

There were some times that I denied Josh access to the kids.  That included not seeing them and not calling them.  Yes, it broke my heart to do it but at that moment I felt like that is what the Holy Spirit was leading me to do.  And then there were other times that I encouraged him to come over more and be around more than I had.  Again, that is what I felt led to do.  I cannot explain why I did those things other than to point back to the Holy Spirit.  He was leading, not me.

And as far as the other participant in that whole unholy equation, that was something I would not budge on.  I would not allow Josh to be with the kids and “her” at the same time.  It really did not come up but I made sure to keep our children away from any circumstance where they would have the opportunity to meet “her.”  But, this circumstance is another instance where you will have to rely upon the Holy Spirit’s guidance. Start praying and asking the Lord to give you grace and mercy so that you will act and react as Jesus would. Walk in unconditional love.  That is the secret in dealing with the other person.  Keep asking yourself, "What would Jesus say or do?"  It is a great thing if your spouse wants to be with them.  There are so many that do not care.  But, this is not just hard for you, it is very hard on your child.  Start praying and ask the Lord to remove this other person from coming to all functions and activities.  Prayer works!  You must realize that this is a battle done in prayer.  The times that Josh had the kids alone I spent the ENTIRE time praying; I didn't do anything else.  He had to use our car to take them, because we had so many car seats.  I prayed over his car.  Satan wanted nothing more than to cause even more hurt during those moments.  You just have to realize that it's a fight for what's right.  Let your prayer be Romans 12:9-21.

Like anything required for standing for your marriage this will not be easy.  It will take everything within you and probably some that you don’t have (which is why you need to have the Holy Spirit lead you) to treat your spouse as though their role has not changed.  But, if you are faithful to follow where he leads you will have the opportunity to see your children and their wayward parent to have a completely restored relationship. The kids saw me cry; they saw Josh and I  talk. They knew, however, when I dried my tears that my hurt was because of the pain this was causing.  My pain was not going to dictate my behavior.  They would never find me talking about how horrible he was being.

Today, Josh and the kids are beautiful together.  There is not any indication of his past missteps in their relationship.  Those horrific three months that he was gone are never talked about with the kids.  Not because we are hiding it from them.  In fact, I would be surprised if they even remember it happening.  This is not to brag about what we did but because of the awesome restoring power of our God.  The kids know that we have a passion for marriages because of things that we have gone through.  But that past does not enter into the relationship between Josh and the kids.  They love him tremendously and he loves them more.  They respect him and honor him in every way.  They will do anything for their daddy and he will do more for them.  I thank God that every day that I listened to the Holy Spirit and followed His lead in regards to what I should do in the horrible situation that we found ourselves in.  God receives all the glory in the relationship between me, Josh, and the kids.

Follow the Holy Spirit’s lead.  Pray for your spouse with your children.  Honor your spouse because their role demands it.  Don’t talk bad about your spouse even if you REALLY want to and don’t allow anyone else to do so.  Your children will follow if you set the example.  These are things that I did through the Holy Spirit and we are seeing the fruit of it now.

Josh and Serena