Recipe for Pancakes-Part 5

How are you doing with the recipe?  Have the Spirit been leading you in ways to be patient, kind, and not envious?  We pray that this helping you.

Today's ingredient begins to take us on a little bit of a different direction.  Today's ingredient changes the focus from what we display towards our spouse because of our heart's choice to the attitude we might begin to have from being patient and kind.

Love is not boastful or proud.

Take a moment and take a look at what you have been doing.  Wherever the Spirit has been leading you in patience and kindness toward your spouse is definitely a good thing.  At this point it is very easy to begin to become a little proud.  I mean, you have been enduring troubles with patience and showing kindness to someone who may not be deserving of it.  (If you haven't yet, maybe you should go back and reread those first couple of ingredients.  Just sayin'...)  You are doing a great work!

This is where the enemy would like to begin to trip us up.  Love is not about the way we feel or what are reciprocated.  Love, real love, is about a sacrifice that you make regardless of what is returned back to you.  Isn't this the way we see it in Jesus?  He took the cross knowing that those He was coming to save would still reject Him.  And, still, He did it.

The moment that we begin to think of ourselves as somehow deserving of praise for our patience and kindness is also the same moment that we need to seriously check our motives.  Are we doing this for the praise we will receive from others?  Or are we truly laying ourselves down for the sake of another?  If our motives are wrong our patience becomes shorter, our kindness becomes sarcastic, envy starts to creep (I deserve better than this...), and as a result our love is tainted.

Each ingredient builds upon the other and when used in proper situations will lead us naturally into the next one.  It is interesting though that Paul, when writing these verses warns us about pride coming in.  Boasting and pride comes from a deeper core issue...not seeing ourselves the way GOD sees us.  As humans, here is the way that we fix our vision problems...we slip in a comment belittling our husbands or shaming our wives?  Maybe it's just to your mother or best friend?  When we bring someone down so that we can be lifted up we are dealing with serious pride issues.

We all have things we do better than each other.  It is only natural.  However, pointing out the other person's weaknesses is boasting about yourself.  Are you looking for their strengths? God wants us to recognize and compliment each other.  He made men and women different for a reason.  The woman was made to be the completion of the man; what the man lacks is usually present in the woman.  What good is it if we are both exactly the same? What kind of support would Josh be if he stressed about things the way I do? His lack of compassion, concern, and sympathy is sometimes just an indication to me that he is trusting God a LOT more than I am, at the moment. Where he is strong; I am often weak!  BUT, am I pointing out the weak and boasting only about my strengths?

Since we are talking about ingredients, let's relate this back to cooking.  Many different ingredients make up any recipe.  But, just throwing the ingredients together is not enough.  They have to be in proper balance.  If you add too much salt to a recipe you may not see (or taste) the outcome until after the cooking process is over.  But...trust me...you will know that something is wrong in the first bite. 

If there is any pride added to the recipe for pancakes will skew your end results.  You do not want to have done all the work of rebuilding and restoring your marriage to have in be for nothing because you had a little pride mixed in.

In closing, think about this...what is the opposite if pride?  Humility.  And if there is no room for pride in love, it must mean that there is adequate room for humility?  Humility and pride cannot be present together.  Humility allows you to be patient and kind without the need for recognition.  Humility is the perfect pairing to go along with patience, kindness, and giving (non-envy).

Mix them up!

Recipe for Pancakes-Part 4

Our next ingredient is actually more of a non-ingredient.

Love does not envy...

It is hard to notice when envy slips in.  It comes in so easily.  How often do I envy my husband because of his physical appearance or his ability to lose weight faster than I can?  He can decide he will lose weight and it's done--just like that!  Are you envious of your husband going to work, and you have to stay home?  Or maybe it's the reverse?  Do you think he has an easier job?  Let's say he does.....aren't we still commanded NOT to be envious?

The root of envy is based in discontent.  We are discontent in everything.  It is no wonder that envy slips into our marriages.  We have been brainwashed by our culture telling us all the things that we "need".  When in reality life would go just fine if we did without those things and were just content with what we have.

So, how does envy creep in?  You and your girlfriends are having a coffee together and you are talking about your husbands.  Your girlfriend tells you about all the nice things that her husband has done for her.  You think to yourself, "My husband doesn't do that for me.  Life would be a whole lot better if he did."  Why the discontent?  What you don't realize is that this other woman's husband has a host of bad habits that would drive you bonkers!  She can deal with them and love him anyways.  You, on the other hand, would wind up pulling your hair out...but life would be a whole lot better if he did....

How does envy creep in, men?  You and your coworkers are working away.  Your coworker's wife was in the neighborhood and stops by to say 'hello' to her husband.  You notice that she is dressed so much nicer than your wife.  And your wife NEVER stops by to say 'hello'.  You wish she would.  You reason, "If my wife did those kind of things, my life would be so much more enjoyable."  What you don't realize is that your coworker and his wife had a conversation that you couldn't hear.  She asked him for money to spend on frivolous shopping and now he cannot afford to go hunting next weekend!  Your wife never does that...but life would be a whole lot better if she did....

Ya'll get the idea!

An affair, at its root, is based in envy.  You want what is not yours and you will pursue it until you get it.  But, love does not pursue what does not belong to it.  Love only pursues what has been given to it.

In Tyler Perry's Why Did I Get Married? a key marital concept is shared.  It's called the 80/20 principle.  Your spouse will only be able to give you 80% of what you need at any given time.  But, we are discontent with the 80%.  We are ENVIOUS of the 20% that we can find elsewhere.  So, we pursue it.  It's not until after we acquire the 20% that we realize how good great fantastic AWESOME the 80% really was.

Don't envy what is not yours.  Pursue YOUR wife!  Pursue YOUR husband!  Pursue YOUR marriage!!  When you do you will find that it really is EVERYTHING you ever wanted or needed.

Recipe for Pancakes-Part 3

Yesterday's ingredient is mandatory to have in proper order with today's:

Love is...kind

Many times in our impatience, it leads us to being unkind--which is the exact opposite of love.  How many times do we speak unkind words to him/her because of anger and resentment?  How many times do we point out their mistakes?  Often times, we even use sarcasm as a mask to cover up sounding too mean!

It is hard for us to be kind if we are impatient.  Love is the motivation, patience is the understanding, and kindness is to be our action response.

How many times do I rush Josh to make decisions?  Do I have lists and lists of things he needs to do, knowing he hates lists? Do I nag about what I want done? How many times am I angry when he comes home late from work?  How many times am I upset when he doesn't text me back when what I had to say was really important?  Am I patient when he is running late on things I want done?  Or am I kind in the display of my love, even if it is not how I feel?

How many times do I make Serena feel bad because of the status of the cleanliness of our home?  Do I understand that her job lasts all day and is always present around her; where as mine, I am able to walk away from at the end of the day and leave 25 miles away?  Do I get upset at how often she interrupts my day with trivial phone calls?  Or do I, out of kindness, turn a blind eye to the circumstances and choose to show kind love?

We have a skewed view of what it means to display kindness.  We seem to think that kindness, like love, is about how we feel about the person we are displaying it to.  When, in reality, it has absolutely nothing to do with the other person but EVERYTHING to do with ourselves.  In M&P, kindness overflowed because of the tenderness of Serena's heart; not because I had made her feel so affirmed and loved.

Romans 2:4 Don’t you see how wonderfully kind, tolerant, and patient God is with you? Does this mean nothing to you? Can’t you see that his kindness is intended to turn you from your sin? (NLT)

Kindness is the only appropriate response from a heart that has chosen to remain soft and tender.  Something that we learned through Serena's standing for us:  If our heart remains soft and tender....naturally it will mean that it will hurt worse when the offense happens.  But by staying soft and tender towards your spouse, you will be ready and able to forgive them.  However, if you become hard you will hurt less when offense comes but unable to properly heal, unable to forgive, and unable to live. AND unable to properly accept your spouse when they ask if they can come home--in spite of how they treated you.

Don't set yourself up for failure by choosing to be unkind.  The Lord desires to display His kindness through you.  Will you allow Him to be gracious through you?  Do you have to be right or will you allow your heart reflect His kindness?

Recipe for Pancakes-Part 2

So, let's jump into making some pancakes for your spouse...your first ingredient:

Love is patient...

To begin, we need to look at the word, "love". This is not love as we would describe it in our culture today. Today, we would say love is a series of strong feelings that we have when we care for someone close to us. According to the images in movies and lyrics in songs, love is all about how it makes us feel and only on the most shallow of levels. It is definitions like this that are causing us to give up on our marriages.

The word "love" is the word "agape". It usually refers to the love that God displays toward us. It is the highest form of love and in today's post and the next few days we will see why. But, rather than us telling you what our thoughts are on it, let's allow the Word of God to speak for itself.

The first way that love is defined in 1 Corinthians 13:4 is "patient".

Now, don't think that this is going to be an easy word or definition to put away and forget. This word in the original Greek is defined as this:

1) to be of a long spirit, not to lose heart

a) to persevere patiently and bravely in enduring misfortunes and troubles

b) to be patient in bearing the offenses and injuries of others

1) to be mild and slow in avenging

2) to be longsuffering, slow to anger, slow to punish

When we read this we were kind of blown away. When we think of patience our minds tend to go towards thoughts like, "I will give her 5 more minutes and she better be ready" or "I will give him one more time to call before he is going to be late for dinner." Our idea of patience is so simple and foolish compared to the weight of what the Word means.

To persevere patiently and bravely in enduring misfortunes and troubles

This is so hard to grasp on so many levels. Thoughts of perseverance, bravery, and enduring misfortunes and trouble scare us. By even mentioning these things we have to assume that it means that there will be rough patches to come to say the least. And, as we all know, we don't like things that make us have to work...hard! I mean, enduring troubles?!?!?! Let's put this in context...what if what you are experiencing in your marriage never changes? The Word of God expects you to endure them...bravely! WOW!!! And to address misfortunes...those are things that happen everyday that irritate you. When he doesn't call, when she isn't ready, when you ask for certain things to be done and they're not...you know what we're talking about.

To be patient in bearing the offenses and injuries of others

We HATE to be wrong. We HATE to be offended or hurt. According to the Word of God, we are expected to patiently bear offenses and injuries. How does one get used to offenses and injuries, let alone patiently bear them? In application, this would mean that we don't defend or fight back when attacked. We remain quiet and focused on God instead of focused on the individual or situation.

Oh, we know this is not easy. What you are experiencing inside of you is the voice of the world's definition of love and patience. But, we have not been called to love according the world's standard or defintion. We have been called to love according to what God would have us do. God's definition of love is not about a feeling: it's about a holy response to an evil situation.

So, today, read and reread the definition of patient love and then ask yourself this...

What would God have you do in order to be patient
 in your love toward your spouse?

~Josh and Serena