Recipe for Pancakes-Part 1

We will never be able to eat or make pancakes again without getting a little choked up. We were asked for the "recipe" for those "pancakes." Well, we are going to do a little sharing about that. Remember, WE do not have the answers. God does and He is the One that shows us, through His Word, how to love.

The recipe for pancakes goes something like this...Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. 1 Corinthians 13:4-7

Do we really understand what love is? Not what love feels like but what love is. Love is not a feeling in your stomach when you get around a certain person. Love is not that fickle. Love is not what is bestowed upon you by another because of what you have done. Love is not selfish like that. Love is not only what God does but is who He is. (1 John 4:7,8) Love is the inherent nature of God.

As humans, we have defined love as a series of feelings that make us feel good. We only know the superficial effects of love. However, the love of God goes beyond human comprehension. The love of God is the only thing that will heal and restore your marriage.

Ask yourself this: do I really put into practice what love is? What about when you are faced with actually having to LOVE the unlovable? I mean, really, to say the Bible doesn't tell us WHO to love would be ignoring some of the hardest advice you can be given, especially to a hurt and wounded spouse. The Bible says to LOVE YOUR ENEMY. Yeah, I know...that hurts!! BUT here is the core of our issues...did we really love our spouses BEFORE problems started or did we just have feelings of love for them? There really is a difference!! I still have to work on loving Josh--marriage is work. Relationships are work; you don't just have good relationships by doing nothing.

Ultimately, love is a choice. Love is to sacrifice my own wants, needs, desires and feelings for the wants, needs, desires and feelings of the one I love. The key is to be able to do this without pity and anger. No one makes you do these things! You make the choice and you do them out of love. Love is sacrifice without self pity and anger.

Love will make us do crazy things. Things that appear to be foolish and illogical to the outside spectator. But, only those that are involved in that love relationship can understand the 'whys.' We see this illustrated in the days that we were beginning to learn about our spouses before we were married.

When Serena and I were courting, we lived about 450 miles apart. Most of our communication at the beginning was through snail mail and email. Only occasionally did we talk on the phone. But, as we grew to know the other emails would quite satisfy the need we were developing for the other. The phone calls increased in tone and length of time. It was reflected in our phone bills! After we were engaged and we saw marriage quickly coming on the horizon, phone calls didn't satisfy the need either. We had to see each other. I began to make frequent trips to visit her. One time stands out amongst the others.

I was working for a landscape company and had worked a full day on Friday. I had decided that day that I wanted to see her that weekend. I also had to lead worship at church on Sunday. It sounds kind of stupid to make a 450 mile, 8 hours drive to visit someone only to have to do it again hours later. My dad told me so in no uncertain terms. But, that is what love makes us do. And I was not about to be dissuaded! So, I made the journey arriving early on Saturday. Serena and I had a great day visiting. Sometime around midnight on Saturday I had to leave to go home. Well, because of the sleep deprivation that I was putting myself through for the sake of love, let's just say that the drive home was a lot longer than the one it took me to go. I rushed into the house with only minutes to spare to get ready and be back at church. But, I loved that girl. The few hours that we were able to spend together were worth it!

This is only a tiny glimpse of what love will make us do. Look at what love made Jesus do...He died for us. We all know that He could have taken Himself off that cross anytime He felt like it. His sacrifice was made out of unselfish love for us. He was not angry because He knew He had to do it. He did it because He loved us even though He knew that we would continue to fail Him and hurt Him.

Christ knew that we would never be able to return that same level of commitment and love to Him. And, still, He took the punishment for us. This is the way that we are to love our spouse. If we are honest with ourselves, and ask the hard questions, most of us can say that we have failed in this area. To love without the same level of commitment??? Isn't that exactly OPPOSITE of the world's view of marriage? And, sad to say, this is also the church's view of marriage.

So, what will be your response? Will you tell God that you will commit forever to love Him? And what happens if you don't? Does He go away? No!! He is right there waiting for His lover to be ready to return--no matter how ugly they return. Hey, some of us do come back broken and repentant, some of us don't. God never divorces us--He is always there.

During the next few days we are going to write together and break down this verse with the ways we both fail in the areas of perfect love. It happens, and maybe our failures and successes will show YOU how to love better.

Josh and Serena

Reality Check

So, Serena and I were a little overwhelmed by the response to yesterday's post. We are so completely humbled right now. We spent quite a bit of time last night talking about the things that happened, comments that were shared, emails we received, and links on Facebook.

Serena was asked for the recipe for those pancakes. We will be sharing the recipe for those "pancakes" in another day or so. But, we decided that in today's post we needed to share some VERY difficult truths about people, about us, and about what it will take for you to stand for your marriage. You may not like what we have to say but it is said with absolute love for you. We do not want you to be discouraged by what the situation currently looks like or will look like tomorrow.

So, grab a seat, maybe a cup of coffee or tea, and I am pretty sure a box of tissues...

To start, we believe that NO marriage is too far gone! But this belief does not come from our own puny wisdom that we have learned through trial and error. We believe that every marriage is capable of restoration because we believe in and have faith in a God that is bigger! He is bigger than any circumstance or situation thrown at Him by man. He is bigger than any stubborn habits that we possess. He is bigger than the hardness of our hearts. If you cannot grasp, through faith, the enormity of the God that we serve....what hope do you have? If you think that the solution to your marital problems can be found in you, good luck. If you believe that God is bigger than the problem and that He is the solution...well, you have just completely changed the rules of engagement. I mean, you will have just enlisted the help of the God of impossibilities!

With all that being said, you have to understand that if you embark on a journey to save your marriage you must count the cost. Luke 14:28-30 speaks of a man that endeavors to build a tower, didn't count the cost to finish it, and after having laid the foundation abandons the project. As a result, everyone that looks at the half-finished tower mocks him for his ignorance. If you desire to make your marriage the best that it can be and you believe God to be bigger than what you are facing, be prepared for what is about to happen! Here is the cost factor that you must be aware of: Satan and all of his demons do not want to see someone standing in the gap for their spouse. It reminds him of Jesus standing in the gap for all of humanity. When you set your face (it should be like flint!) to bring restoration to your marriage, all the forces of hell will come against you to stop you in your tracks. But, if you have already believed that God is bigger, does it matter what comes against you?

Romans 8:31b "If God be for us, who can be against us?"

What is about to be said and shared will be very hard to read and not be taken as an offense. Please, remember, this is said out of complete love.

If you look at any part of our culture, you can see the waves of fads that come and go. A few years ago the world was introduced to 'WWJD' with little to no change to people's lives. I'm sure if you were to look back in pictures you would absolutely mortified by the clothes you CHOSE to wear 10, 15, 20 years ago. We can really see fads in the area of dieting. (This is not going to turn into a weight loss session!) In the world of dieting, we have The Hollywood diet, Atkins, HCG, Slimfast, Weight Watchers, Total Body Makeover, Jenny Craig, Biggest Loser....the list goes on and on and on. All of these have had their 15 minutes of fame. They come and go but most of them fail to change the real problem- you must have the desire to find and change your reasons for being fat and then, and only then, will you find the ability to make the changes that will change your life. Standing for your marriage CANNOT be a fad diet! You cannot one day wake up and say, "I am going to stand for my marital restoration!" Reason why? Because tomorrow will come and your spouse will do something stupid and you will say, "This is sooooooo not worth it! I'm done!" Standing for your marriage is you going all in with God and holding fast until the storm ends! We guarantee that before your marriage begins to glorify God it will get as ugly as hell! The only way that you can lose your marriage is if you stop standing!

Now, here is the rest of the "Milk and Pancakes" story. This is ugly and I (Josh) am very ashamed.

The day after Serena served me and showed Jesus' love to me, I turned on her like a rabid dog. I was used by the devil to tear her down. You see, I didn't recognize the love of Jesus through Serena until after I had returned from my prodigal lifestyle. I was trying to push her and God as far from me as possible. And since I couldn't push God; I pushed Serena. I told her things the day after for no other purpose than to let her know that I was done with her. The very day after her kindness was the first day that I asked her for the information about our legal insurance that we carried to see if they could help with divorce papers. That day was also the day that I made it known that I was deeper into pornography because I asked Serena for the security codes to unlock my computer. I now recognize that I had to push harder against the love shown to me in order for me to continue on the path I was choosing.

Everything that we talked about today are things that you must account for. You will not hear us tell you how to stand for your marriage because every marriage is different and God is not one to be locked down into a set of rules for restoration. But, you will hear us tell you the condition of your heart and your attitude in order to best facilitate a restored marriage.

Just so you know, this was very hard for us to write. On one hand, we want to encourage you to fight for your marriage with all that you have. On the other, we need for you to know that this will be no walk in the park. This will be the fight of your life but will be absolutely worth it! You are worth it! Your spouse is worth it!! Your marriage is worth it!!!

With a prayerful heart,

Josh and Serena

Milk and Pancakes

Have you displayed the love of Jesus to your spouse that is far (physically, emotionally, or spiritually) from you? Or do you only show love when love is shown to you first? Let me tell you a story about me and Serena...

As you probably know, I left my 6 month pregnant wife and 3 kids for a life that I thought I wanted. During that time, I was physically in my wife's house a few times. She had invited me over. Yes, you heard me right...SHE INVITED ME!

This was a very strange thing for me. I couldn't then, and I really can't now, explain the way it made me feel. There was one instance in particular that boggled my mind.

While I was gone I turned 30 years old. When my birthday happened she was all of 9 months pregnant. And on my birthday (since I felt I had "missed out" on this) I got blackout drunk. I could not remember the ride home or who took me home. I vaguely remember falling on the way out of the bar. And I had to work the next morning. I was so drunk that I was still inebriated at 7 AM as I drove to work.

That day I was framing in a landscaping structure. Drunk, on a ladder 8ft. in the air, and shooting 4 inch long nails with a nail gun. I almost put one through my thumb! As the day progressed I felt worse and worse. No food for me as I didn't think it would stay down.

Sometime during that day Serena called me. She asked how my party was and how I was doing. I didn't have a whole lot to say. Her care for me caught me off guard. She then asked if I wanted to come over after work for dinner. I was only pancakes but I was welcome to come. For reasons I don't know, I said yes.

Now pancakes were not going to sit well with my hung-over stomach but I still ate. As I sat at the breakfast bar in her kitchen, she served me. She offered me milk and made me as many pancakes as I wanted. She talked to me about nothing in particular. She did not ask me if I was staying because she knew I wasn't. She didn't ask me to stop living the life I was. She simply served her husband; her husband that left her alone and pregnant. No condemnation came from her lips. Only love for her husband who was hurting deeply but didn't know it (or wouldn't admit it).

We talked at the door as I was leaving about the kids and work. She asked me one time as I was walking out if I wanted to stay. I looked away and told her no. She knew the answer but had to ask. She watched me as I got in my truck and drove away.

It wasn't until after I was home for good that I learned the depth and strength that it took to do what she did. She loved me like Jesus loved me. She showed me Jesus when I couldn't see Him with my own eyes. I knew that many people loved me and were praying for me. But only my wife, the one that I offended the most, was the one that offered me Jesus in the form of a glass of milk and a stack of pancakes.

When Jesus was hanging on the cross, He cried out to the Father to forgive His tormentors. It was this type of love that my wife showed me. In one of my darkest and most alone times, my wife showed me light and love. I can only imagine the strength of character and love of Jesus that had to have overwhelmed her in order to do what she did.

So, I bring you back to the question I asked at the beginning....have you shown the love of Jesus to your spouse that is far from you? Or do you only show love when it is shown to you first?

Wherever you are...however bad your situation is or isn't...you have the opportunity and privilege to allow Jesus to love your spouse through you. For Jesus to choose to love your spouse through you is a high honor...even if it is as simple as milk and pancakes.

With tears in my eyes because of the love of Jesus displayed to me through Serena,

Josh

You Did What?

Criticism in standing for the covenant of marriage can come in so many different forms. I am going to list a few only so that you realize--we get that it's not an easy road. We get that you might feel alone.....but we also wish we could encourage you to understand that those people NOT standing also feel some of those same things.  Satan wants to make sure you feel so alone....alone, so that you give up. 

Soon after deciding that I would NOT--NOT EVER---file for divorce I had a Christian lady tell me that I was stupid. She actually told me that I was a door mat, and I should think better of myself and not allow Josh to treat me so badly.  The saddest part--her husband had cheated on her, and she didn't even know it.  He has never told her, probably out of fear that she would leave him.  I was not very close to her in the first place, but her husband felt a passion to try and talk some sense into Josh.  Once Josh came home he had told me a few of the things that this man had told him--how it wasn't worth it, etc.  AND, no, it had no impact on him at the moment.  BUT my point is...people will not always support you, and they will think you are stupid, even a door mat, or someone with low self-esteem.  AND may I say, it takes GREAT courage to stand for your marriage.  Those feelings of worthlessness....they will come no matter what, so let us stand for truth, and we can stand before God with our heads held high. It's not about those people who don't agree; our self-esteem must be grounded in knowing that you are pleasing t. he Father. 

Pray God gives you those people that WILL support you; God will bring them.  My family was amazing, and I also had online support.

Once Josh came home, believe it or not....THAT was actually the REAL test. Since I did a "decent" job keeping things private about Josh's lies, behavior, and lifestyle most people didn't SEE him for how he really acted.  It wasn't until he got home that people did NOT understand why I was still with him, especially since some of his attitudes didn't change.  People were upset that he didn't go and repent to all of those people he had hurt.  Upset that the apologies they received didn't seem genuine. I had already gone through some of the toughest stuff--battling for him to be at home--I wasn't giving up now. I lost friends if I shared anything negative about Josh's behavior AFTER he was home.  To me, it was NOTHING compared to how he had been.  BUT apparently people assumed he should return home perfect, humble, repentant, and MISTAKE free.  Josh being home was a much harder road, so I want to make sure that people understand...if your spouse is HOME I "get" how it can be a living hell. Your dreams of a PERFECT spouse my be a LONG road. 

Josh was willing, after some mistakes, to allow me to point out things he may not have been aware of....this is a process.  Pray for God to soften your spouse's heart to allow you to be their eyes when they are not seeing the danger signs.  I had to sacrifice friendships to be the "mean" wife---all for my marriage.  It's hard, Friends!!  My heart hurts when I have to draw the line and say, "You can't call or text or chat with my husband!"  BUT the payoff is MUCH greater.

We have been attacked in regards to the size of our family, that we should NOT bring more children into the world because of past sins?!?  Honest, we don't deserve to have any of our children; they are each an amazing blessing.  Why should I think so highly of myself to tell God....what you want to bless us with....we can't have anymore, because so-and-so doesn't feel we deserve to raise another child?   We don't deserve any of God's blessings, and we are trying to not live in a place where we say, "NO" to God.  We have consequences for past sins, yes, but when God blesses us we are not going to live in guilt over those blessings!

Allowing people into such a horrible season in our lives has opened us up to a lot of attacks from Godly, Christian people.  It might shock you how many of our attacks are NOT from those in the world.  The world seems to understand mistakes, failures, and forgiveness a lot better than the Christian community. 

I grew up hearing, "Don't shoot the wounded, because some day YOU might be one!"  I hear it EVERY time I see someone do something that I know is wrong, as a reminder to check that I am not SHOOTING them, or that I am not treating them with a love that I would want if I were them.  We are NEVER above making a mistake, and I am not one to say that I could never fail.  Being treated with TRUE forgiveness and TRUE love is what I would need.  Often we do NOT realize what the other person is dealing with; we automatically assume they must feel great because they are just breezing through life with no consequences.  Wrong!  They are dealing with a lot more than they would care to admit--and their bill WILL eventually be tallied.  AND it's big enough without you adding in extra fees.