Keep On Keepin' On

Have you ever had one of those days that seemed like it would never end?  And then, after you have spent all your energy on the day, something happens that demands your attention, strength, and energy?  Maybe it is some sort of family emergency that arises...or your little child becomes sick with "it" coming out of both ends...or you have to come to the aid of a dear friend in the middle of the night.  You've been there, haven't you?

It is strange that when something becomes a priority how quickly we can muster the needed resources from our otherwise spent capabilities.  When you've had one of those days and suddenly you realize that you don't have peanut butter and jelly for tomorrow's lunch...ya know...it's not really a big deal.  But when something is pressed upon you that you DO value and have placed it in high regard, well, then it does become a big deal.

Our marriages are to be placed in that high regard.  We said those vows, we made that oath, we committed our lives to another before God; we're not getting out of it that easy.  If we are considering jumping ship because of some hard times (maybe even straight up hellish at times), we have yet to gain God's perspective and God's priorities about our marriage.

We used peanut butter and jelly as a way to make a point.  But, what if someone you esteemed greatly was coming over tomorrow and they had asked for PB&J (I don't know who would but work with me people!), you would drag your tired and worn out body out to the all-night WalMart and get what you need.  Why?  Because value was placed on the PB&J!

So, where does this leave us in viewing our marriages?  We need God's eyes about us, our spouses, and our marriage.  We need to know who we are in His eyes.  We need to see the value in our spouses like He does.  We need to see the importance, the value, the witness that our marriages are in the sight of God.  When we do, it doesn't make the standing any easier, but it causes us to find the strength (in God, not us) to keep on keepin' on.

So....keep on keepin' on!

Josh and Serena

Potter and Clay

Do you like art?  I think we all enjoy art in some degree.  You may not enjoy paintings, sculpting, or acting.  But, if we enjoy life and the things in it, we must appreciate art.  We must appreciate it because we are surrounded by it.

There is a craftsmen somewhere that designed and built the table that I sit at.  The men that built this old farmhouse are dead I am sure but they built this house that is like few others.  The computer we write this blog on, the food that Serena cooked for dinner tonight, and the work that I do with my hands can all be classified as a type of art.  It may not hang in a gallery or be purchased by collectors but it is art just the same.  Art is not defined by the one observing it but by the one that created it.

So it is with our God.  He is an artist.  The world may not appreciate what He uses as art supplies but it does not take away from His artistic nature.  The Bible conveys this idea more than once...

Isaiah 64:8

And yet, O Lord, you are our Father.
      We are the clay, and you are the potter.
      We all are formed by your hand.

We are the clay; clay that is constantly being formed into the desire of the Potter's heart.  The clay has no desires or purposes of its own.  The clay is never responsible for the outcome of the Potter's work.  And the Potter is never frustrated by the clay not becoming what He intends for it to be.  For if the clay will not yield to the slight pressure of His hands in the forming process, He will only increase the pressure until the clay yields.

Every touch of the Potter's hand produces an effect in the clay.  Every tool that He applies to the clay creates a new uniqueness special to that piece of clay.  The touch and tools that the Potter uses are a mystery to the clay.  Some touches are designed to add to the features, some touches are meant to remove imperfections; however, all of His touches produce beauty in the vessel He is creating.

At some point, the Potter forces the formed clay into the fiery kiln.  This serves two purposes: to test the authenticity of His own work and to solidify the clay into what He desires it to be.  Without the fire, the clay, when left to itself would degrade back into a lump of clay.  It would fail to be a formed work of the Potter's hands and would no longer be able to be counted as art in His house.   

The vessel of clay cannot see the majesty that the Potter has created in His processes.  But, the Potter can.  He can see all the intricacies of His work and all the beauty He has made.  He stands back and witnesses the full value of the finished vessel.  He sees the obstinate clay that did not want to yield to His touch has now become a showpiece of His own handiwork.  And He chuckles as He remembers those early times as He worked, massaged, and caused life to spring forth from an otherwise worthless piece of clay.

He sees the finished work and calls it beautiful art.  He calls it good.  Every vessel He produces has a purpose and place.  The clay vessel has no purpose; it is the purpose of the Potter manifesting in the clay.  The clay never places itself where it thinks it should be; the Potter places the vessel where it is best served and best seen for what He desires.

The finished vessels are never relegated to the garage sale pile.  Why would they be?  He has poured His sweat, His blood, His time, and His life into that vessel.  In fact, the smell of the clay is still on His hands.  Why would He ever want to part with His own work?

You and I are clay.  Our marriages are clay in His hands.  Everything that we experience in our life and in our marriages is producing an effect that He will use for His purpose.  We must yield ourselves, our marriages, and our spouses (both in covenant with us and prodigals alike) to the touch of the Potter.  And as He is forming you and your spouse into one piece of clay, He knows the pressure needed to make you two inseperable.

Maybe you feel like He has increased the pressure on you?  Or maybe you feel as though He has shoved you into the kiln?  Either way, He is working on His clay.  His eye and His hand has not left you.  Everything that He does has purpose and meaning.  You may not be able to see the beauty that He is creating through this but beauty will be the result.  You may not be able to see the purpose in this but His purposes will be accomplished through it.

You were never meant to set the value and worth of the product He is creating out of you; that is for the Potter to establish.  And He is still creating so He has not set your finished worth yet.  So, stay in the center of the Potter's wheel!

Josh and Serena

Give Him A Chance

to blow your mind.....

Eleventh Hour

The eleventh hour is an expression meaning "a time which is nearly too late". The phrase comes from the Bible in Matthew and is referring to the workmen being hired late in the day. According to Jewish culture the work day ended at six, so the eleventh hour was at five.  Only one hour left before the day was over. About the eleventh hour he went out and found still others standing around. He asked them, 'Why have you been standing here all day long doing nothing?' Matthew 20:6 

Do you feel the rush?  Is the work day coming to an end and you still have too much to accomplish?  Our God seems to enjoy surprise endings, maybe this is because in that eleventh hour when you look around it seems impossible to finish what needs to be done.  God enjoys doing the impossible.  Doing the impossible is the best way for all glory to go to Him. If it wasn't impossible then maybe we would be more likely to accomplish things on our own. 

Do you look around and see everyone else accomplishing all of their goals? Maybe things seem to be going perfectly for them?  MAYBE you just don't know?  From past experience we have been able to look really good on the outside, and accomplish many things on our own. Years ago all of our bills were paid, we had two newer vehicles, huge wardrobes, and purchased many of the newest things.  BUT no one saw the amount of debt we accumulated to acquire these things.  It may seem like God is waiting too long to come through for you, but He might just know better.  He might just be waiting for us to come to the place where we could NOT accomplish things without His help.  He might just be waiting for us to stop figuring out how WE are going to accomplish His promises in our lives. 

When someone makes a promise to you...is it YOUR job to figure out a way to make it happen?  We would just WAIT for it to happen, SO why do we not continue to live our lives according to God's will and REST in His promises to us?  He has promised us many things in His Word.

My grace is sufficient for you. 2 Corinthians 12:9
Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight. Proverbs 3:5-6
“For I know the plans that I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans for welfare and not for calamity to give you a future and a hope.” Jeremiah 29:11
I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. Philippians 4:13
If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all men generously and without reproach, and it will be given to him. James 1:5
Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort; who comforts us in all our affliction. 2 Corinthians 1:3-4
Those who know your name will trust in you, for you, Lord, have never forsaken those who seek you Psalm 9:10.

We can rely on every one of His promises, and we do not have to MAKE them happen. God's promises may have stipulations, but we do not have to manipulate the outcome. God promises that when we tithe we will be blessed, but that doesn't mean we have to figure out in our human minds what that blessing will be....God made the promise. He WILL bless us. It might even seem to take forever, but the blessings WILL come. The power of a promise depends on the one who makes it. There's no better promise to trust than one made by God Himself. Claiming God's promises will unleash His power in your marriage. We encourage you to read the Bible and search for more of God's promises to you.  It may feel like the eleventh hour; it may even BE the eleventh hour...but God is faithful.  He knows best. Keep Standing! Don't quit!


Josh and Serena

God Gave Me You

So, I (Josh) have not been acting like the man I should be.  This is half meant for you to be inspired; half dedicated to my loving wife who stands by me regardless of my attitudes.  Thank you, Serena. 

Renew Me

 Sustain me, my God, according to your promise, and I will live; do not let my hopes be dashed. Uphold me, and I will be delivered; I will always have regard for your decrees.

Psalm 119:116-117

Are you tired of the fighting, the pain, the rejection, the disappointment and all that goes with marriage problems or divorce or maybe it's just LIFE? Ask the Lord to renew your strength. May you put all your hope in your Lord Jesus Christ, knowing that He is the only One who can turn all of our problems totally around to bring glory and honor to His mighty Name. This is about Him, not us!  Our hope needs to be in Christ, not in what He can do for us, not for what we see around us.  His Presence brings hope and healing and strength.  We seek His face and NOT His hand.  Are we seeking His face as passionately as we are seeking for His blessings? 

Are you tired of fighting with your spouse and does your marriage seems hopeless? Then go to the Lord and ask Him for His divine strength and wisdom.  We are sometimes so unqualified to speak into people's lives, as we have so much to learn. We feel tested, and we get discouraged.  We get tired, too!

Do you know the meaning of the word strength? Strength is the capacity to manifest energy, to endure, and to resist. In Hebrew, it is the word "dunamis." If we can understand that when we walk with our Lord, He is going to empower us as He did so many others throughout the Bible. We can walk in victory with the Lord on our side.  BUT we must continue to realize that this is only accomplished by staying connected to the Lord. Strength on our own only accomplishes a temporary fix.

The Lord is your strength and we encourage you to continue to put all your hope in your Lord as nothing is too hard for Him. GO all in...it might hurt when things don't go YOUR way, but KNOW that GOD delights in fulfilling His promises.  BUT His time is NOT our time.  (yeah, we get how frustrating that feels)

Ultimately God wants to restore your marriage. BUT this is by His strength and power, not by our plans, our manipulations, our begging and pleadings to our spouse. It's also not about what we think God should do for us, because it seems like the right thing.  God's ways are NOT our ways.  AND we KNOW this can be frustrating; we know it hurts. Your spouse needs to know that your marriage can only be rebuilt by the greatest--our Lord Jesus Christ.  If our marriages are not rebuilt by Christ, then they will only turn into rollercoasters of ups and downs for the rest of our lives.  Keep giving your marriage to Him.

You can depend on God as the source of your strength, but we definitely understand that even the strongest person gets tired at times, but God's power and strength will never diminish. He is never too tired or too busy to help or listen to you. When you feel all of life and circumstances are crushing you, and you cannot go another step, remember that you can call upon God to renew your strength.

Our prayer today:

"I love you, O LORD, my strength. The LORD is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer; my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge. He is my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold. I call to the LORD, who is worthy of praise, and I am saved from my enemies.... As for God, his way is perfect; the word of the LORD is flawless. He is a shield for all who take refuge in him. For who is God besides the LORD ? And who is the Rock except our God? It is God who arms me with strength and makes my way perfect."   Psalm 18:1-3,30-32

Josh and Serena

Sowing in Tears

"Those who sow in tears will reap with songs of joy. He who goes out weeping, carrying seed to sow, will return with songs of joy, carrying sheaves with him." Psalm 126:5-6

Do you know it's okay to cry?  It's not wrong! Studies have even shown many benefits to crying.  Scientists have collected both reflex tears (crying from an onion) and emotional tears. When scientists analyzed the content of the tears, they found each type was very different. Reflex tears are generally found to be about 98 percent water, whereas several chemicals are commonly present in emotional tears. One of the chemicals is a protein called prolactin, which is also known to control breast milk production. Adrenocorticotropic hormones are also common and indicate high stress levels. The other chemical found in emotional tears is leucine-enkephalin, an endorphin that reduces pain and works to improve mood.

The Lord sees our tears.  Not only does He sees them but it says that He bottles them (Psalms 56:8).  If He is bottling them, it must mean that He values them.  And if He values the tears, He values the one shedding them and the reason for them.

So, all of this to say....CRY; it's okay!!!  We can be strong; we can stand for marriage...but STILL have a GOOD cry!

Josh and Serena

A Prayer Request

We are about to embark on something that we have never done before.  We are asking you, our readers, to add a name to your prayer list.  We get emails from time to time asking for more specific advice about a situation involving a prodigal spouse.  We've been in contact with a lady...let's call her "Judy" for privacy sake...about her and her situation with her spouse.  She has been standing and she is getting tired.

"Judy's" husband has moved out and is living with another woman....even though he says there is nothing going on.  She has two young children; one of which is experiencing some health issues.  She was recently evicted from her apartment.  She is also involved in a business venture with her husband; she owns it, he runs it.

In corresponding with "Judy", we have seen a stander's heart that is unwilling to give up the fight.  She is willing to do whatever is needed to bring her husband home and allow God to restore their marriage.  She has admitted that she is tired and wants to take a break.  However, in a battle this serious, we cannot take a break from our stand.

This is where you come in....will you pray with us for "Judy"?  Even though we have few public followers, we know that there are hundreds out there that read this blog daily.  We are asking you to pray with us, battle with us, and help hold up "Judy's" arms in this time of need.

A few days ago we wrote about how everything has a season and a right time.  Well, this is a time of sowing seeds of full marital restoration into the life of someone else.  You may be experiencing many of the same things.  Sow seeds now, reap a harvest of your own marital miracle and restoration later.  That's God's laws of sowing and reaping...it's not something we made up.

However, we need to issue a warning.  If you choose to step into this fight with us and "Judy", you will experience the attack of the enemy.  He does not want the saints of God joining together in unity for the sake of a tired soldier.  The devil wants to see "Judy" fail and her family in shreds and he will attack any that get in his way.  But, that outcome for "Judy" and her family is something that we cannot sit by and watch happen.  This past 2 days or so we have seen the enemy attack our marriage and family.  So, be warned.

Also, be encouraged....because WE WIN!!!  The Bible says this...

1 John 4:4

But you belong to God, my dear children.

You have already won a victory over those people,

because the Spirit who lives in you is greater

than the spirit who lives in the world.

In your prayer time, pray with these things in mind...

1. that this other woman would be moved out of "Judy's" husband's life.
2. the "Judy's" husband would come home.
3. that "Judy" would remain firm in her stance and would experience the fullness of God in her life.
4. that "Judy's" husband's heart would be soft towards God and "Judy".
5. that until her husband's return, "Judy" would know the miraculous provision her loving Heavenly Father.

Josh and Serena

P.S.  We felt lead by the Holy Spirit to do this.  It does not mean that we will highlight your circumstance because you write to us.  We are happy to pray with and for you.  This blog was never meant for self-promotion or for the sharing of griefs.  Although we may do this again in the future, it is to be considered an exception, not the rule.  Thank you for your cooperation and understanding. 

Calling in Reinforcements

So, you're standing for your marriage and you know it's gonna get tough.  This is not a battle that you can give up on though even if you get tired.  There is too much on the line for you to give up or take a break.  There is a story in the Word about this very thing.  It's found in Exodus 17...go read it.

Basically, when Moses' hands were lifted Israel would win the battle.  When they fell, the enemy began to overcome.  When Moses' hands grew weary, Aaron and Hur helped him keep them up.  And Israel won the battle.

Are you here at this point?  Have you grown weary in the fight?  Are your hands tired from being raised?  It's time to call in reinforcements!

Now, we are not talking about just anyone.  Not everyone is able to stand with you and pray the way that you need right now.  So, be careful about who you ask.  Don't ask a member of the opposite sex to pray with you for your wayward spouse.  That will only serve to make a connection with them that could easily lead to an ungodly relationship.  And don't ask the church's token gossipper...that will only serve to have EVERYONE know your business.  Ask another couple that is secure in their marriage to pray with you.  Ask those close friends that are with you to the end...no matter what. 

We all get weary, but we just can't stop fighting. We are petitioning our readers to pray for marriages today; pray for those prodigal spouses to come home.  Pray that your fellow standers will continue to have strength to fight.  We have recently been receiving phone calls, e-mails, and texts from many of you who are really struggling. 

Let's pray for one another......

Josh and Serena

Hope

Hope.  It's all around us...if you know where to look.  There is no place so dark that hope cannot brighten it.  No situation so filled with despair that hope cannot uplift you.  You just have to know where to look.

For us, this week is filled with hope.  We have been in prayer for some time about my (Josh's) work situation.  We know in our heart of hearts that we have been destined for ministry.  However, doing landscaping seems so far from it.  The doors are opening, not for full-time ministry yet, but for a job that is at least one step closer.  There are lots of people in contention for the position but we have hope.  Our hope is not in my abilities or skills but in the Almighty God!  And it should be so for you, as well.

It is not enough just to have hope.  What is that?  Plain, old hope is intangible and unseen and can do nothing of itself.  It has no power and has no abilities of its own.  Hope can only derive its power, ability, tangibility, and strength from the one that it is placed in.  Therefore, hope placed in yourself will fall flat.  Hope placed in another human being will fail.  Hope placed in the hands of chance...you know, it's all gonna work itself out...will wind up dropping the ball.  BUT....our hope placed in the one, true God can do immeasurable things.

When our hope is placed in God, you are placing it in, not only the hand, but the full character of the ONLY One that is able to do the impossible.  The One who brought all of creation into existence by the mere mention of His words...The One whose mercies are new every morning...The One that has unending grace for those that need it...The One that chose to send His only Son for the purpose of dying for the sins of the world...The One that raised His Son on the third day declaring victory over sin and death...The One that called His Son back to glory and sent His Holy Spirit to come live INSIDE of us...The One that WILL return again for those that believe on His Son and take them away to a mansion in His Father's house...is the The One that will speak into our failing, crumbling, dying marriages and breathe into them new life and cause them to be, not only healed, but WHOLE!!  The God that shut the mouths of lions for His man, Daniel...The God that empowered the mighty prophets such as Elijah and Elisha...The God that led Israel into battle both in the Old Testament AND in the 20th century...The God that shook prison doors open and broke the bonds that held His man, Paul...is the same God that will shut the mouth of those that speak against the covenant of your marriage, empower you to stand through tortuous times, lead you into battle for your marriage and your spouse, and utterly destroy the bonds that hold you, your spouse, your kids, and your marriage.

You see, hope in hope is worthless.  But, hope in the Almighty can bring you into a life that you never could have dreamed existed.

Psalms 16

  Keep me safe, O God,
      for I have come to you for refuge.

 ² I said to the Lord, “You are my Master!
      Every good thing I have comes from you.”
 ³ The godly people in the land
      are my true heroes!
      I take pleasure in them!
 ⁴ Troubles multiply for those who chase after other gods.
      I will not take part in their sacrifices of blood
      or even speak the names of their gods.

 ⁵ Lord, you alone are my inheritance, my cup of blessing.
      You guard all that is mine.
 ⁶ The land you have given me is a pleasant land.
      What a wonderful inheritance!

 ⁷ I will bless the Lord who guides me;
      even at night my heart instructs me.
 ⁸ I know the Lord is always with me.
      I will not be shaken, for he is right beside me.

 ⁹ No wonder my heart is glad, and I rejoice.
      My body rests in safety.
 ¹⁰ For you will not leave my soul among the dead
      or allow your holy one to rot in the grave.
 ¹¹ You will show me the way of life,
      granting me the joy of your presence
      and the pleasures of living with you forever.

Josh and Serena

The Right Time

During your time of standing for your marriage, you may find yourself at a loss as to what you are supposed to do in a given situation.  Do I fight back or humbly submit?  Do I attempt to hold onto this by myself or do I entrust it to the hands of God?  Whatever the time, whatever the situation there is an appropriate response.

Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

¹ There's an opportune time to do things, a right time for everything on the earth:

 ^2-8 A right time for birth and another for death,
   A right time to plant and another to reap,
   A right time to kill and another to heal,
   A right time to destroy and another to construct,
   A right time to cry and another to laugh,
   A right time to lament and another to cheer,
   A right time to make love and another to abstain,
   A right time to embrace and another to part,
   A right time to search and another to count your losses,
   A right time to hold on and another to let go,
   A right time to rip out and another to mend,
   A right time to shut up and another to speak up,
   A right time to love and another to hate,
   A right time to wage war and another to make peace.

This may be a season of tearing down wall and barriers to your heart and the rebuilding of vital relationships.  It may be the right time to plant seeds of new hope or the right time to reap the fruits of your prayers.  It is the right time to love your spouse through the hurt and pain and it's always the right time to hate the deeds of the enemy as he tries to tear down what God has put together.

It's difficult to know the right response to a hateful act but there is a right response.  There is a right response to an impossible situation.  It may seem weird or abstract....maybe even foolish but there is a RIGHT way and a RIGHT time.  Search for what is right in the sight of the Lord and He will make it right with man.

Josh and Serena

The End

Have you ever looked upon someone and had great admiration for them?  Maybe it is someone that is a business or financial success?  Maybe it is someone that walks in the power of God in their daily life?  Or maybe you have payed close attention to marriage that you know is rock-solid?  These people did not get to where they were by mere chance or fate.  If you were to sit down and talk to them you would probably find out how much they endured to get to where they are now.

They would probably talk about the sacrifices they had to make for the sake of where they wanted to be.  They would tell of late nights they worked.  Or late nights that turned into early mornings consumed with prayer.  They would share with you the comforts laid down in order to ensure a better future than the present they were dealing with.  In essence, if you talked to these people, they would share with you their testimony.

Where they have been, where they were, what God has done and is doing, and where they are now are all parts of their testimony.  They are not discouraged by the places they have been.  Nor are they distracted by the past because that is exactly what it is...the past.  And, wherever you are now, your testimony is being written.

While our testimonies are being written (and not by ourselves, but by the hand of God) it is not always the most pleasant or enjoyable.  In the middle of the trial, the circumstance, the bottom falling out, and the end of your rope it is hard to see how any good could come of it.  You can't see the silver lining and definitely the light at the end of the tunnel.  However, if we continue to remain faithful to God, it is promised that it will work out for OUR good.  Go and read Romans 8:28.

If you were to continue your conversation with the person you admire, you would also find that where they have been and what they have endured makes them who they are today.  They don't despise the path that it took to get them to where they are.  This is not to say that if there was a way for them to gain the success without the pain they would choose the pain.  No one would.  Success without sacrifice is ideal but not realistic.  However, now they are grateful for what they walked through because of what they have.

As you are walking towards marital restoration, marital strengthening, or just standing for what you believe know this....where you are now is not the end.  What you are experiencing is the Author writing your testimony and His pen has not grown weary.  He does not have writer's block and can bring your story full circle and lead you back to the top.  But, it's not about bringing you back to the top; it's about what is going to bring Him the most glory.   What you are dealing with at the current moment is necessary for where you are going.  This isn't the end.  In order for you to carry the anointing He wants to put on you, you have to walk this road.

So, endure this moment with the knowledge that someday...you may not know when or how...all of this will be used for His glory.  If we will focus ourselves on the glory of God, we will be able to endure anything that happens.  Keep standing.

Josh and Serena

I Need More Strength

"'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me." 2 Corinthians 12:9

Think of the movies that get great reviews....the hero is a rugged individual, dependent on no one, self-made and self sufficient.  It doesn't matter if they are male or female, the more independent the better.  Almost as if we admire the cold, independent individual.  Saul was that self-indulgent man, living only for himself.  God struck him blind on the road to Damascus. Do you pray this kind of experience for your spouse? In Saul's weakness he had an encounter with God.  His name was changed to Paul; Paul realized that he could do nothing through his own efforts. He had to depend totally on God for his strength.  TOTALLY DEPENDENT!!

Do you try to fix things in your marriage through your own efforts? Most likely you are only accomplishing one thing--pushing your spouse further and further away. At what point will it be that you are so weary and broken that you cry out to God for help?  It doesn't  have to be a tragedy that causes a dependence on God!!! Turning your marriage and your spouse to the Lord and His infinite strength as EARLY as possible is the BEST thing you can do for your marriage.  The sooner the better!!  The burden of saving your marriage doesn't have to be a burden that you carry. You can relax knowing that the outcome is in God's hands, and He can take care of the details.

We are powerless without being rooted and grounded in Christ. Apart from Him, we can do nothing. Your marriage and your standing will bear more fruit if you remain in Christ. The success of your marriage and your standing should be God's responsibility, not yours. It's through honoring your marriage vows, no matter what your spouse may have been doing, that shows your trust in God and His plan for your life.  And the fruit is what causes our marriages to stay on the right path. Obeying God is what causes our marriages to bring glory to Him. If we listen to Him even in the good times then hopefully those fights and those "bad" times will becomes less and less. 

Trusting and obeying God is what shows Him that we love Him.  Jesus showed His love for the Father by being obedient unto Him even unto death, a death on the cross for the salvation of man's sins. He was crying out to God, dripping blood, and said, "Not my will but yours!"  God is calling us...you and I...to be like Christ in our actions, especially towards our spouses. 

We should be dependent on God...alone.  He is our strength. When we are weary, God will give us strength. He is always there to help when we are in trouble; the problem is not about Him not being there....it's about us not accessing Him.  Most of the time, this is because we have no desire to hear what He has to say.  We must lean on the heavenly Father. We must trust and obey, and through weary times we can have the hope that only the Lord can provide.  Keep standing in good times and in bad.

Josh and Serena

Seventy Times Seven

Marriages tend to go up and down, a coming together and moving apart; I would say this can be in any marriage.  The degree of severity, well, that will definitely play a part in how much healing needs to take place.  BUT relationships have ups and downs. It's more visible in a broken down marriage. One person is being distant and the other is actively seeking to hold the relationship together.

The spouse that has left will still feel an emotional pull back into the relationship at times. If the spouse at home has moved on, then the ability to reconnect is most likely gone forever.  That is why we have this blog to share the importance we feel for the deserted spouse to be ready at all times to accept, with open arms, the return of their prodigal.  As Christians, we are called to forgive those who have offended us just as Christ has forgiven us.

"Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, 'Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times?' Jesus answered, 'I tell you, not seven times, but seventy times seven.'" Matthew 18:21-22

In the Jewish culture at the time of Jesus, the number "seventy times seven" was infinite, meaning you had to forgive not just 490 times....but an INFINITE number of times. Jesus was trying to show us that we were to forgive an offense, no matter how many times it was committed against them.

So it is with a spouse seeking reconciliation of a broken marriage; the standing spouse must always be ready to forgive. Yes, no matter what offenses may have occurred.  Yes, no matter how many times it's a REPEAT of the SAME offense.

When your spouse feels that tug home, you need to be available, ready to accept unconditionally. Many marriages have failed to be restored because the standing prodigal has grown tired and weary. OR they have decided to judge their spouse for all the pain and suffering they have caused through their selfish actions.  Yes, it's hard to keep your mouth shut, but it HAS to be done.  And remember how we are supposed to be like Christ?  He is our example, right?  He was brutally beaten, scourged, had a crown of thorns shoved on his head and nails driven into His hands and feet, and yet he was not angry. He did not judge. He was dying on the cross, and His heart was soft. He forgave.

"Jesus said, 'Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing.'" Luke 23:34

Honest, Josh did not always know what he said or did while he was gone. In fact, some things I have even forgotten, but I wrote in my journal.  We don't remember all of the details because God has brought healing, but some things Josh still doesn't even remember.  This is because Satan had gained control of his thoughts and actions, causing him to be cold and calloused and go deeper into a life of sin. Josh was in great need of my prayers and forgiveness. Because he had decided to push God away he needed to see a picture of forgiveness (Christ) through me.

 Love means being able to forgive, regardless of the cost or personal hardship. Love means sacrifice. If you are unable to forgive, ask Jesus to show you the heart He has for your loved one. He will give you the strength and courage you need to extend the warm hand of forgiveness to the one that has hurt you so deeply. It is only through Christ living within you that love and forgiveness will prevail in your relationship. Let Christ bring healing to your home through your willingness to forgive the unforgivable.  We have never once made it seem like standing for marriage will be easy; we assure you...it is NOT.  It will cost you something...intercession costs you something....LOVE costs you something.  Are you willing to pay the price?

And forgiveness doesn't just have to be about marriage, or a prodigal spouse; we all have people in our lives that we struggle to forgive for offenses against us. Unforgiveness in your heart hurts no one but yourself.  Pride keeps us from being able to forgive. Let it go! Allow Christ to heal the hurt and let Him bear it.  He died for the forgiveness of all men's sins, not just yours. So, let's forgive like Christ. 

"Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you." Ephesians 4:29-32

Josh and Serena

Who's Watching

Have you ever had those times when someone comes up to you and tells you that they saw you do something...something good, something honorable, something of value?  Not bragging but we often have people come up to us and compliment us on how our children behave in public.

One time we had a couple in church tell us they saw us going into a store.  At first, I (Josh) was kind of worried that we may not have been acting the way we should.  Maybe arguing with one another or just being irritable.  Fortunately, this time they saw us laughing and holding hands.  Another time, a close friend watched as we walked through the most financially difficult time we have ever faced.  He told us later that he was jealous of our enduring it because of the result that it brought out of us.

The point is that you NEVER know who is watching!  The things you are doing, your reactions, your attitudes.  It could be complete strangers or family members.  It could be your kids or even your prodigal spouse.  You never know!

Those watching you are seeing you make this stand for your marriage even in the midst of horrible circumstances.  They are watching you endure through hard times and paying close attention to your reaction.  They are seeing you with what seems to be a good marriage but believing for the BEST marriage and doing whatever it takes to make good become best.  They are watching your heart be torn to shreds and are wondering why you will suffer through that kind of pain.  They are watching you turn your face to God when it seems like you cannot endure any more.

You won't know it at the moment of their watching but there is someone that is using you as a test of God's faithfulness, mercy, and justice.  They may be afraid to prove God on their own so they are letting you walk the dangerous road and checking to see of you make it.  They want what you want but haven't learned to trust God like that yet.  They see you as strong and calm in your spirit (even though we know that strong and calm is a far stretch from the way you really feel). 

This is why it is so important for us to keep our walk and our stance pure and holy.  This is why we must keep our attitude correct.  This is why we have to stay humble and constantly rely upon the Father for everything.

Whether you like it or not, someone's watching you stand for your marriage.  You're not doing it for them but they need you to do it.

Josh and Serena

Coming Home

We think it is important for those that are currently in a situation where you and your spouse are separated (physically not together) to remain constantly focused on the Lord and the day when the Lord brings them home.  It is not enough for us to do all the things necessary to bring them home (pray, fast, obey, trust, etc) and then fall short when they do come home.  And, by fall short we mean to not be ready for their entrance back into your life.

We have written before about what YOU need to do and have ready before your spouse comes home.  We would like to write about what your spouse will be looking for.  This is not based on Scripture but rather our own life; it's based on Josh's return to life.

One of the first things that you will have to remember is that your spouse will be coming to you broken and weak.  They may not think that they are but they are not in a right mind and cannot accurately gauge where they are spiritually, emotionally, and maybe physically.  As they walk back into your life and the life that they left, they will feel out of place and unworthy to make decisions about what is best for the family.  And the longer they are gone from the family home, the more difficult it will be to adjust.  This is where you will have to make every effort to fill in the gaps and make them welcome and make them feel welcomed.

You will have to fight the urge to judge them at every turn.  More than likely, they will already know how and where they have failed.  They are not looking to be judged; they are wanting love and acceptance.  You need to accept them....you don't have to accept their sins though.  However, we (as people) tend to lump sins and the persons together.  We judge them both.  You need to be able to separate your spouse's sins and your spouse from one another.  If you can distinguish between the two of them, you will be making AMAZING inroads into the heart of your spouse.

We mentioned it a moment ago but making your spouse be welcomed in their home is so critical!!  It is going to be weird and awkward....so expect it.  You won't know how to act and neither will they.  But, if you will include them (ask about dinner plans, schedules, etc) it will promote a sense of belonging.  They want it even if they don't act like it.  Don't cater to them and their negativity.  Instead, plug them into the life and routines of family life.  Even the mundane and boring (household chores and children duties) will help them reconnect to the family that they love.

Your prodigal spouse will be looking for things to connect them to you.  If they come home and do not see any pictures of them in the house, they will feel forgotten or worse....cut-off.  You don't know how they will return to you.  And if the condition in which they return doesn't matter, you need to be ready to help them start over.  This means the things that they need for life should be there....toothbrushes, deodorant, clothes, etc.  And if you are unable to bring them back into your bed right away, don't relegate to the garage or some lumpy couch.  If you need to create a room for them while both of you get reacquainted with one another, do it.  You might need to ease up on some of your OCD compulsions for awhile.  Did you want your spouse back or did you want them back only if they take off their shoes when they come in the house?  Doing things like this will show them that you are doing your best to bring them back into a full restoration with yourself.

You need to make time for them.  Yea...the children need attention...you need to work...the housework needs to get done....laundry needs folding.  But, your spouse is more important than all of those things.  So, take a break and let things go for a bit.  Spend time with them.  Doing so will show you that you care more about them than about the minor day-to-day things that will get done eventually.

We've said it before but you need to be wearing your ring.  Even if it is painful to see it on your own finger, do it.  Your spouse will be looking for it.

In the process of reconnecting your spouse to life, you need to continue to do the things that brought them home.  You need to keep pursuing God.  You need to keep putting on your armor.  You need to keep doing the things that help you achieve the victory.  What enabled you to gain the victory will help you to maintain the victory.  Get ready...they are coming home!!

Josh and Serena

Weary

Matthew 11:28 Then Jesus said, "Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest.

Are you having one of those days?  Does it seem like the burden is too heavy?  Are you having to carry the weight of your whole family?  What better promise to have.....Jesus said bring it to Him!!

Satan's game plan is to discourage you. If he can get you to lose hope and to give up, the battle for your family has been won. Satan knows that this is his only weapon against you. He has no power over you other than to plant seeds of discouragement in your mind.


Satan LIES...above all else...he LIES....do you understand?  Some of those lies....

God doesn't love you.
Why would He let something like this happen to you?
He doesn't care about you.
If He loved you, why did He let your marriage fall apart?
Your marriage is a mess.
There is no hope.
Get rid of your spouse.
There are plenty of people out there better suited for you.
You are so unhappy.
Your children will be better off if you found someone that could make you happy.
Go ahead, leave your spouse, and find the person of your dreams.
God only wants you to be happy.


How do you protect yourself from the evil schemes of Satan? How do you avoid discouragement? Prayer and the Word of God are your weapons against Satan. You need to be on your knees daily before God, seeking Him with all your heart. He is your source of strength and encouragement. Fill your mind with the promises of God found in the Bible. Do not give Satan an inch in the battle for your home.

Remember how we said PRAYER... is the BEST thing.  Yeah, we didn't change our opinion on that. And do not compare your prayer life to that of others. Don't forget that Satan wants to bring discouragement; he will do it any way he can.  Just work at doing more for yourself. If it's 15 minutes, start working towards 30 minutes.  Let's be more like Christ, that's all we should be focused on. 

"Jesus often withdrew to lonely places and prayed." Luke 15:16

Spend time with Jesus in prayer. Trials in life will come; no one is immune from them. A solid prayer life will help you through the difficult times. It is never too late to dedicate more time to prayer. It is your source of strength and encouragement. Fill your mind with the good things of God.

'I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.'" John 16:33

Discouragement is the trick of the devil. Do not give in to the temptation. Ground yourself in prayer and scripture reading. It is the source of life and encouragement. Nothing makes you feel better than to let out all of the feelings to the only One who can make a difference.

The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged." Deuteronomy 31:8 

Josh and Serena

Knight in Shining Armor...Josh's View

I just wanted to take a minute to talk about this subject Serena brought up.  I think it really speaks to the status of men and women these days.  Men don't know how to fight, women are trying to do everything men do, and both are missing what God has called them to.

When Serena mentioned how armor became obsolete in time and that it was relegated to ceremonial duties, it made me glad that the King allowed me to get my armor "battle-rated."  No longer is my armor only for show and ceremony but can be trusted to withstand battles.  Armor that is only for display is useless and only adds extra weight.  Ceremonial armor is made to a lower standard.  It is not meant to be beat upon.  It is not meant to be worn for extended periods.  The metal is thin and the suit cumbersome.  The sword is dull and the shield is easily pierced.

But, the armor of a real warrior is made of high quality material designed to endure the fierceness of battle.  It will usually have blood stains on it.  It will look dirty and unimpressive.  But, it is functional and effective.  It will protect his vital organs and still allow him to press forward in battle.  The shield is thick; the sword sharp and precise.

As a man, I would not trust a man that had his armor pristine.  I can appreciate a man that maintains his armor but his armor still should have some dents, dings, scrapes, and a certain amount of damage to it.  Those blemishes would indicate that this man has seen some fighting and has lived to tell the story.  This is a man that I can trust.  This is a man that I would call when I need prayer.  This man may have been hurt or damaged himself...no one said he was perfect!  However, he has fought, bled, and survived the enemy's attack and can be trusted to fight alongside of you.

This man not only may have blemishes in his armor but also bears the scars in his body.  Some may see those scars as unsightly but those close to that man know those scars testify to his commitment to being a victor!  When he sees his own scars he is reminded of the sacrifice he endured to have the best of God.  His battle may have left scars and pain but he knows that God will get glory from it.

You see, a real knight knows another real knight without having to see the armor.  A man will know a man not by his bank account but by the condition of his spirit.  Having been in a spiritual battle, I can tell a man that I can trust and fight with....usually within a few minutes of meeting them.  It is nothing weird or spooky about it.  It is simply the call of brothers in arms.  Something deep inside of us can tell the difference between a man who knows how to fight and a boy that is pretending to play war.

A knight in ceremonial armor can't save the princess and he cannot slay the dragon.  He can't scale the castle wall and take on all enemies.  But, a man with battle-tested armor and a battle-ready spirit can do all of that and more.  He may be the most unlikely of heroes.  He may not look like the one that will save the day.  He is usually the quiet and humble.  But, when the dust settles he will be the last man standing...not in his own power but in humility under the power of God.

So, men....shed the ceremonial armor.  It's not worth much.  And put on the armor that you have been given by God.  Become the man of God that knows how to fight because he has lived through the battle.  That is only man that is worth much!

Josh

Knight in Shining Armor

As women, we are drawn in at a young age with dreams of a knight riding in on a white horse, with pristine armor, and rescuing us from whatever drab life we may be living, and ultimately taking us to his huge castle to live happily ever after.  Right?  Okay, well, maybe you didn't, but you get the idea?  I (Serena) was a bit too logical to actually believe that THIS would be my life, as I had been raised knowing that marriage took work.  BUT, I still did believe that I could have a "Knight in Shining Armor." 

When our drama finally started coming to light, and the truth of everything was being revealed, I realized that my days of a believing THAT were over.  I mean, FOR GOOD!!  But, wait, this is not going to be a depressed, woe-is-me post; I was about to discover something much better. 

Dreams of a knight with shining armor made me realize that this knight, my husband, had never been in real battle.  He had never known what it meant to get a few dings and dents on his armor.  It was pristine; it was NEVER used.  Ironically, it was soon after the development of the full suit of plate armor that the medieval knight's advantage in battle began to wane, so even in REAL life this idea of armor wasn't really everything we dreamed it should be. With the effective use of gunpowder weapons, the face of combat changed. The cumbersome armor of a knight proved ineffective and impractical against new weapons and tactics. The knight and his plate armor were now relegated to ceremonial duties and displays. These "ceremonial" suits of armor are usually very ornate, featuring extensive fluting, intricate engravings, and other decorative features more at home in the world of fashion than battlefield utility.
 
I spent years with a husband who wore a "ceremonial suit," instead of a husband who realized that Satan's weapons and tactics are going to need a man to stand and fight.  Our perspectives do not have to be that we didn't get what we dreamed we should have; I may not have the ceremonial husband....but I much rather prefer the battle scars and the strength that has come about because of the fights and battles we have endured. 
 
History has always been intriguing to me, and medieval times with knights and ladies happens to be one of my favorites.  The knights would also wear the full suit of armor because it would allow them to bow out of a fight.  The opponents didn't know who they were fighting because the amount of armor could conceal the identity of a person.  Women were able to take the place of men, and they would try to convince their opponents of their ability to be "just as good as a man!"   All of these things mean so much to me now...I don't want my husband bowing out of a fight--no matter how hard.  So, I don't want him to have the fancy armor that distracts from the battle that needs to be fought.  AND, I definitely don't want to take his place; I am a lady.  I would much rather see him stand and fight with an armor that may not be perfect looking but  protects.  It may not be shiny, but that is ONLY because it has been battle-tested.  Josh is still my knight and he knows how to fight now.  He isn't on display for all to admire; he is out there fighting for our family. 

Perspectives might just need to change--a knight in shining armor may not be as sexy as you have always thought!  However, sending your man off to fight and not allowing him to just sit on display...now THAT is sexy.

Serena

View From the Pig Pen

It's strange to look back and see the hand of God in your life...even when you wanted nothing to do with Him.

While I was away from Serena, I met a man that was a picture of who I was to become if I stayed the path I was running on.  It was kind of a "Ghost of Christmas Future" sort of experience.  This man was a friend of a friend.  As I had dinner with him one night, he told me all about his past before his college days.  He told me about how he had a Christian band that opened for some big name artists.  He told me about his parents and grandparents and how if you mentioned their name in certain circles they would be very highly regarded.   Then he told me about what happened when he went away to college and was introduced to a different life.

As he relayed these stories to me, I couldn't help but think of myself and what I had done in years past and if this is how I would end up.  I thought, "I am never going to play music again.  I am never going to be worth anything after these things I had done."  The devil was using that meeting to cause me to slip deeper into my sin and shame.  But, God had other plans...

As I look back now, I see God's loving hand STILL guiding me.  He introduced me to this guy...allowed this man to be placed in my life.  God's quiet voice was warning me of a life to come if I didn't change.  Even though I was running hard away from the Father, He was running harder after me.  He refused to leave me or forsake me even though I forsook Him.  He didn't want to see me fail; He was working for my destiny to be revealed...our destiny to be revealed.

So, standers....here is the view from a redeemed prodigal.  God is able to place who He wants where He wants.  You may think that the people surrounding your prodigal spouse are no good for them.  Pray that God would place people around them that would be the warning call to them.

Prodigals reading this...God has not stopped pursuing you!  You may think that you are all alone but God is chasing you faster and harder than you can run from Him.  Nothing you have done or will do is beyond what His grace can cover.  No where you go is beyond His reach.  All you have to do is ask for Him and He will come to your rescue!  Call for Him...He's watching and waiting for you to even begin to turn back to Him.

Josh and Serena   

Sex and Spiritual Warfare

I (Serena) have been asked a few times HOW I was able to allow Josh to even touch me when he first came home?  Or even entertain the idea that we would be intimate when he first came home?  Many things comes to mind, but the biggest and most important reason is found in what I believe to be an important, sadly ignored benefit to sexual intimacy.

In 1 Corinthians 7:5, "Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control."  This is saying that a married couple that is Christian should have sexual relations frequently; they shouldn't deny one another but by mutual consent and then ONLY for a time. Otherwise Satan will get in there and attempt to destroy everything.

Would you say that a couple that doesn't have enough sex is experiencing demonic spiritual warfare? It's true.  Your sexual organs were not only meant for pleasure and making babies.  In the context of fighting for your marriages, they are weapons.  Not weapons to be used against one another, mind you.  They are weapons to be used against the enemy of our souls trying to rip apart our marriages!

All too often we hear, "My husband has not been very nice to me, so I'm gonna deny him sex. And until he's nice to me, I'm gonna withhold it."  That's demonic! Oh, and this is not just the wife saying this stuff; it's become a real problem in marriages to withhold sex unless everything is "perfect!"  The wife who says, "ya know, I'm just never in the mood, and I know you love me and we have a decent marriage, and there's no reason...but ..........."  Well,  that's demonic, too!  We realize this sounds really harsh but it's Satan's way of getting in between a couple. 

Is your spouse being unreasonable?  Or are you?  We are talking about the all too common situation where one person in the marriage wants to be intimate more often than the other, and they're rejected. They become bitter. Satan comes in and feeds that bitterness, baits the hook of their flesh with the temptation of the world. And all of a sudden, Satan puts in front of them images, people, and opportunities to lead them astray. It doesn't make anyone a victim because we choose sin on our own. But it does mean that you're giving Satan an opportunity.  It's Scripture!  Satan is at work and he might as well start with sex. 

Tough question: are you having enough sex? Be real; be honest! The answer will probably shock you.  We don't want to start fights but ask your spouse this question.  This should be eye-opening.  You can learn a lot if you really listen to their answer.  Ask your spouse what you can do to make things better. We are not perfect in this area but we certainly strive to have it so that Satan is not in our bed. I (Serena) long to hear Josh say, "I'm satisfied with the frequency and freedom of our sexual relationship." (But, Josh says that he is not that stuffy sounding!)  I don't want to feel we are fine and yet have Josh totally frustrated.  That's NOT unity. Husbands, you should not hear your wife saying, "He doesn't pursue me, he doesn't touch me, he doesn't desire me, he doesn't compliment me. I've got other men who compliment me, pursue me emotionally, and are desirous of me."  Believe us...there have been those times in OUR marriage!  But, we communicate to each other what we are feeling.  Unity in the bedroom is extremely important. 

Picture this...a couple that's not having frequent intimacy--when they go to bed, Satan is lying in the bed between the two of them. That's the image Paul is showing us in 1 Corinthians 7:5. This is a huge issue. It's not just about one person being more sexual than the other. Continually hearing about weeks, months, and years going by without sexual intimacy...is just wrong.  So, the next time you start to think about an excuse not to have sex with your spouse, think about the bigger picture.  Satan needs to be kicked out of your bed and you need to start fighting.  Each time we are intimate with our spouse we are waging a war against the attack on our marriages.  It's not just about fulfilling a sexual need; this is warfare!  In our home, we aim to win (which means we try to have it a lot)!!

Josh and Serena

Leaving and Cleaving Part 2

Today, we will try to expound on some of the ways for you and your spouse to make clean and godly breaks between family members.  For us, 8 years of marriage (before moving to Colorado the first time) was about extending the familial ties, not exactly cutting them.  We definitely do not have all of the answers to this sensitive subject, but we were asked to address it...so we are going to do our best.

When we made the decision to move to Colorado it was definitely for the healing of our marriage.  I (Serena) had become very dependent on the emotional support of Josh's family AND the frequent visits from my own mother.  I would not trade that support for the world but we also knew that for the sake of our marriage we both had to break some ties.  Some of them we did not even realize until after we had moved.  Going against the wishes of our parents was truly heartbreaking.  For both of us it was one of the toughest decisions of our lives. How do you honor, respect, and appreciate the counsel of your parents and yet disappoint them at the same time? 

Leaving your home (for the purpose of cleaving to your spouse) does not mean you stop talking with them and permanently withdraw. It doesn't mean you no longer have a good relationship with your parents. That's isolating yourself from your parents, not leaving. The commandment in Exodus 20:12 to honor your father and mother means that when you leave them, you need to go with respect, love, admiration, and affirmation.  Being raised in a broken home my mom always made sure that we honored my father, even if we didn't feel he deserved it or even if was hard. Honoring doesn't change just because the circumstances aren't ideal.  
You must make a break from them. It specifically says in Ephesians 5:31 that a man shall leave his father and mother and cling to his wife. For us this also means being diligent to prevent any reestablishment of dependence---this is an area we are STILL working on.  When we moved back to California to mend fences it was a critical moment for us.  How do you accept the helping hand of family and yet still maintain independence?  Honestly, we don't know!  And, again, when we made the decision for our family to move back to Colorado...it felt like a ripping!  Our hearts were saddened; we had become so dependent it was very difficult to make the decision that was best for our family, but it must be done.  Sometimes it ends up being done more than once.

God knows your heart, and ultimately, you must do what is best for your family.  Do you want to respect your parents? Is your desire to honor them?  Maybe a letter or a family chat expressing your gratitude for all they have done to help you and guide you in your life.  Consider a thank-you gift for all they have done to ensure that you succeed as you make your decisions. Definitely reassure your parents that you are not wanting to abandon them for good but you have to learn how to be on your own. Make it about you and your family, even if you feel your parents are over-protective--make it about YOUR need to make the separation. According to Scripture this isn't about your parents leaving you alone....this is about the HUSBAND leaving.  This is about the break necessary for your spouse.  Over the years Josh and I have been under the guidance of many great men and women of God, and the advise they have given to us has been very helpful in this area. Unity between a husband and wife is critical in the foundation of a marriage.

If you are a wife who has never "left" her parents in order to cling to her husband's leadership and authority, it's time.  This may be very difficult if your relationship with them is good.  BUT you need to share with your parents that God has been doing a new thing in your heart, and that you really need to give your husband the respect he deserves and honor his leadership. It can be very difficult if it's something you have done for a long period of time. Or perhaps your own mother was dependent upon her parents. We often model what we lived with.  God is preparing you for something great; you must follow the leadership of your husband.  Remember what we are learning and modeling is teaching the next generation how to behave. If done respectfully and with a humble heart your parents will at least HEAR you and you can explain you have no desire to hurt them by your decisions. 

If you are a husband who has never left the comfort of your family, it's time to man up and stand on your own two feet. Josh went to a conference called, Man Up, and it was very good at teaching him to take responsibility for his place as spiritual head of our home.  It might feel a little strange and your first few decisions on your own will be quite nerve-wracking.  But, you will be able to grow in areas that you haven't.  You will need to share with your parents your need to lead your family and how you cannot fully do that until you leave.

Certain relationships may feel more sensitive than others, for example, my mom is a single parent, and it can be hard to break away if she no longer has anyone at home to lean on and may feel terribly alone. Thankfully, because I moved to California it was not difficult for me to separate from my mom, and she also had an amazing friend to lean on.  Like we stated earlier, if you had a parent that modeled behavior different from what you desire or what they desired. In both of these situations, the leaving can create a void. The leaving and cleaving issue can be difficult on both sides. The parents and children feel a ripping.  This doesn't mean it's not still necessary--the ties must be cut.

We are not trying to make it sound like the wisdom of parents should never be asked.  You can honor your parents and also reap benefits by seeking their wisdom on certain issues.  We would be foolish to say that parents do not have any wisdom.  The Bible talks a lot about the advice of parents. AND those that love us the most (like parents) have some of the best wisdom.  When you ask them to offer their insights, you must make it clear that you are seeking information and advice, not surrendering your right to make final decisions.*   This was some of the best advice we were ever given once Josh came home.  We really had to make decisions that were best for us, and it hurt us and our parents.  First and foremost, always consult your spouse before seeking input from parents. This will become easier if you make a huge effort. The more you consult your spouse, the more natural this will become. If you and your spouse are on the same page it will always make asking for advise not about a battle of who's side but of truly seeking wisdom.

Sometimes without realizing it, we may allow our parents to reestablish the severed connections. It could occur during a Christmas visit. It might happen during a phone call when you mention to the parent some disappointment or failure experienced.  This is why discussing faults and negatives with your parents has to be a VERY guarded thing, as it can cause a dependency that is VERY difficult to break.  Our parents want to protect us, and it can cause problems.  For us, this happens in reverse....Josh's family is on Serena's side, and Serena's family is on Josh's side.  The dependency can still occur, if we are not careful. I was raised with a mom who always told me that if you get someone involved with your arguments or differences then it's hard for that person to forgive, as God did not extend grace for that situation, but he extended grace to YOU for that situation.  I was very careful about what I shared while Josh was gone, because I knew grace was being given to me, from God, but it may not be to everyone else.  Your relationship with your spouse is first and foremost.

You must not allow parents to innocently (or not so innocently) drive a wedge between you and your spouse. Some parents may seek to manipulate and control their child.   We have seen friends with the need to set boundaries in their marriages, and it really has helped.  Sometimes, the husband has had to step in and limit contact between his wife and her parents in order to establish his leadership.  This is not a bad thing and it does not need to be a permanent thing.  However, if he is seeing that something is not right because of manipulation it is necessary for the health of his marriage. These things can be (should be) discussed with each other on what is best for your marriage; the husband can explain to his wife the behavior he is observing...AND he may have to step in and speak with his wife's family.  Or she might share with her husband what she is witnessing and her concerns and together work out a solution.  All of this can be done with utmost respect, as well.  These encounters WILL be intimidating for either spouse but boundaries need clarification.

You may want to seek advice before you take action; call your pastor or another successfully married couple.  Your allegiance must always be to your spouse. Husbands, sometimes this means that you need to protect your wife. Sometimes you may need to graciously but firmly step in and shield her from a manipulative parent, but I beg you to gently guard your wife's heart and your marriage from a dad or mom whose intentions may be good but counterproductive. As you protect your wife, she will learn to trust you and will follow you anywhere. 

If, as a couple, you are having trouble maintaining a clean break, you may decide to spend less time at home for holiday visits. Instead of a week, perhaps the stay should be shortened to two or three days. Or skip a holiday altogether, just as a way of clarifying for yourself where your boundaries lie.  We have noticed that these situations vary for so many different people because our personalities differ.  Some people have no problem living next door to their families and having severed these connections permanently.  So, this is NOT about the distance you go, this might be about how prone you are to being dependent on your parents. 

Having now been married for 12 years (which isn't that terribly long), we have come to realize, for us, leaving is not a one-time event or limited to the early years of marriage. The temptation to reconnect some of the old bonding lines will continue as long as our parents are alive. And you can't blame your parents....because they are your parents!  They don't stop caring just because you got married!  Many things in our life has made this all to clear, as our hearts have literally felt like they were breaking when we have had to go against the advice of our respective families.  When grandchildren come along, most parents want to share from their vast stores of experience on how to raise kids--this can be beneficial, but you have to make sure you are able to also make decisions with your spouse.

Do you know how to make a decision on your own?

As children, we need to remain on guard so that our leaving remains proper, respectful, and honoring—a healthy, God-ordained realignment of the parent-child relationship. The relationships we have with our parents is something we cherish, but we must ultimately cherish the relationship with our spouse FIRST.....and only YOU and your spouse can determine what that means in your marriage.


Josh and Serena

*we have been told this sounds just like something from Dennis and Barbara Rainey's book, Starting Your Marriage Right.  Although we have not read the book it does sound just like what he says.  We have read, heard, and received lots of counsel over the years, and we will not be ones to say we have all of the answers. We have learned and gleaned a lot from many different resources, people, books, counselors, thank you for understanding that our goal is not to steal from other people but to share what we have learned.

Leaving and Cleaving

Today we want to talk about something that is not really about standing for your marriage.  It is about your marriage though and the lengths that you should go to protect it.  Well, maybe it is about standing for your marriage...just not in the sense that we often talk about it.  We want to talk about what should happen between a husband and wife after they say, "I do" in regards to carving out their own life in this world.  We usually hear about it in the terms of "leaving and cleaving."

This concept of leaving and cleaving comes from Genesis 2:24 where it says this, "Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh."  This is the Biblical model of what should happen after the "I do's" are done.  The man should leave his own family in order to establish his own authority and priesthood of his home without the influence and opinions of his family.  This is not to say that he should do it in a rude or dishonoring manner.  In fact, his stepping out into this new role in his family should be all about expressing honor to the father and mother that raised him by upholding the godly heritage and morals instilled in him.  However, as our culture progresses in a downward spiral, men are losing the ability to leave the childhood home and cut the apron strings, women are becoming more distrusting of their husbands ability, and the two of them are not cleaving into one being.

It is absolutely necessary for their to be a leaving of the old life and a cleaving to of the new life.  Without this critical episode happening, a husband and wife will always be wrestling with one another's attachment to other family members.  We have numerous friends that we see deal with this.  They are unable to cut the ties to their parents...even if they think they have. 

This is something that we have had to deal with in our own marriage.  My (Josh) parents have been...I mean, are...great.  They raised me according to Biblical standards.  They stood by Serena as she stood for our marriage.  They have always been there.  However, this leaving and cleaving thing somehow got messed up in me.

For a long time, I was unable to make that break between me and my family.  My sisters both had a time away from the house as they grew into who they were.  One went to Bible school, the other got married and moved around the globe.  I, on the other hand, was never ambitious enough to move away and deal with the reality of having to make it on my own.  For the most part, it was never an issue...at least that is what I thought.  I had plenty of work and started my own landscaping company.  I had lots of opportunity to preach and lead worship at our church.  I was always around for the holidays.  But, I hadn't grown into my own man.

After I came home, we found it necessary to move away in order to save our marriage.  My parents had a hard time coming to terms with this.  I think it was because I had made such a huge mess of my life and could not really be trusted to make godly, wise decisions.  But, we did it anyways.  And it turned out to be one of the greatest things we ever did.

By moving away (1200 miles away) I had to become the man that I needed to be for my family.  It didn't happen in one day but it did happen.  It wouldn't have happened if we hadn't moved away.  The weight of not having someone else to fall back on caused me to step up and DO!!  By moving away it caused Serena to trust me and my decision-making abilities.

For each of us leaving and cleaving will not look the same.  It is not about moving away across the country or around the world (although, personally speaking, we don't think it's a bad idea!).  You might be able to stay in your town around your respective families.  You might be able to draw boundary lines that will allow you to leave and cleave.  Whether it be with a physical move or an emotional one, there must be a definite leaving of the family and the establishment of who who your family is and will become.

If you have been physically near your family and emotionally close to them, this will be hard on you but especially difficult for them.  They may not understand you and might feel slighted by your choosing to leave.  In this moment you have the opportunity to show them that this decision is not about them but about you and your household.  The best way to do that is by making your family successful in this new venture.  Making your family successful does not mean making a lot of money or acquiring new toys.  Making your family successful means putting them first...doing things together...growing closer...finding the room to experiment...creating family experiences that are solely yours.

Leaving your family and cleaving to your wife is rite of passage that our culture desperately needs to return to.  So, in your stand for marriage, ask yourself....have I REALLY left my parents?  Have I become cloven (I think that is correct grammar) to my spouse?  If you cannot say yes to both, maybe it's time to reevaluate where you have put your marriage in your priorities.  This can be a very sensitive subject...so proceed with caution.  Remember, your parents raised you for years and they only want to see the best for you.  Sometimes though, your need to cleave to your spouse can become hijacked by their care for you.  Don't be harsh...firm, but not harsh.  Use wisdom.

Tomorrow we'll talk about how this actually works.

Josh and Serena

Strength in Weakness

Something that we hear from time to time is this..."I don't know why I'm going through this but I know that God doesn't put anything on us that we can't handle."  Tell us...where does this idea come from?  It's not backed up by Scripture.  It is simply a product of our own wishes and imaginations.  Scripture says this...

1 Corinthians 10:13

There hath no temptation taken you but such as is common to man:

but God is faithful, who will not suffer you to be tempted above that ye are able;

but will with the temptation also make a way to escape, that ye may be able to bear it.

It says that He won't put a TEMPTATION on you that you can't handle.  The Word says nothing about other circumstances!!  Actually, in the light of the entirety of the Word of God, we see the Father routinely allowing or purposefully putting His children in a situation that is beyond their ability.

Look at Noah and his ark...he was an old man when he got that assignment.  Not only did he have to build the ark but he also had to wrangle all those animals.  All of this was beyond his ability.

Look at Abraham and his promise to be a father of many nations.  God called him out of Ur with no place to go.  And then the promise of a son came when He was an old man!  It was beyond his ability to accomplish on his own.  And when he tried it on his own, he ended up with Ishmael.

Look at Moses and the Exodus.  A murderer called to lead the people of God out of bondage.  Unable to speak in public and fearful of the Pharaoh.  Even the people of Israel didn't trust him.  His ability to lead Israel was beyond his ability.

Look at Esther and her audience before the King.  She had the weight of the destiny of all Israel riding on her ability to please the king of Babylon.  It was beyond her own female powers of persuasion.

Look at Jesus and his task of taking the sin of the world to the cross.  He was entrusted with this task but He was still human.  Humanly speaking, it was beyond His ability. 

We could keep going...David, Joseph, Mary, Stephen, and Paul.  All of these and more were, in one way or another, served up a set of circumstances that were too big for them to deal with.  The odds against them were stacked.  The situations they faced were too large and the outcome completely unsure.  Yet they didn't back down from the task at hand.

The truth is that God expects us to be caught in situations beyond our control and abilities for the purpose of making us rely on Him to get us through.  If we are able to deal with it, then the situation is not bad enough yet.  Your inadequacies are meant to push you toward God and His perfect strength.

2 Corinthians 12:9

And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee:

for my strength is made perfect in weakness.

Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities,

that the power of Christ may rest upon me.

As long as you can function in your own strength, His strength in you CANNOT be made perfect.  His desire is to show His strength through you and your frailty.  It is, at the same time, both frightening and humbling to know that we are unable to accomplish what needs to happen.

We are not saying that your marriage is struggling because God made it happen.  What we are saying is this: the Father has the ability to take the ugliest and most horrific of circumstances and cause your life to flourish in the midst of it.

What you are walking through you CANNOT handle!  It's time to lean on the Christ and allow Him to deal with it!

Josh and Serena