Today we want to talk about something that is not really about standing for your marriage. It is about your marriage though and the lengths that you should go to protect it. Well, maybe it is about standing for your marriage...just not in the sense that we often talk about it. We want to talk about what should happen between a husband and wife after they say, "I do" in regards to carving out their own life in this world. We usually hear about it in the terms of "leaving and cleaving."
This concept of leaving and cleaving comes from Genesis 2:24 where it says this, "Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh." This is the Biblical model of what should happen after the "I do's" are done. The man should leave his own family in order to establish his own authority and priesthood of his home without the influence and opinions of his family. This is not to say that he should do it in a rude or dishonoring manner. In fact, his stepping out into this new role in his family should be all about expressing honor to the father and mother that raised him by upholding the godly heritage and morals instilled in him. However, as our culture progresses in a downward spiral, men are losing the ability to leave the childhood home and cut the apron strings, women are becoming more distrusting of their husbands ability, and the two of them are not cleaving into one being.
It is absolutely necessary for their to be a leaving of the old life and a cleaving to of the new life. Without this critical episode happening, a husband and wife will always be wrestling with one another's attachment to other family members. We have numerous friends that we see deal with this. They are unable to cut the ties to their parents...even if they think they have.
This is something that we have had to deal with in our own marriage. My (Josh) parents have been...I mean, are...great. They raised me according to Biblical standards. They stood by Serena as she stood for our marriage. They have always been there. However, this leaving and cleaving thing somehow got messed up in me.
For a long time, I was unable to make that break between me and my family. My sisters both had a time away from the house as they grew into who they were. One went to Bible school, the other got married and moved around the globe. I, on the other hand, was never ambitious enough to move away and deal with the reality of having to make it on my own. For the most part, it was never an issue...at least that is what I thought. I had plenty of work and started my own landscaping company. I had lots of opportunity to preach and lead worship at our church. I was always around for the holidays. But, I hadn't grown into my own man.
After I came home, we found it necessary to move away in order to save our marriage. My parents had a hard time coming to terms with this. I think it was because I had made such a huge mess of my life and could not really be trusted to make godly, wise decisions. But, we did it anyways. And it turned out to be one of the greatest things we ever did.
By moving away (1200 miles away) I had to become the man that I needed to be for my family. It didn't happen in one day but it did happen. It wouldn't have happened if we hadn't moved away. The weight of not having someone else to fall back on caused me to step up and DO!! By moving away it caused Serena to trust me and my decision-making abilities.
For each of us leaving and cleaving will not look the same. It is not about moving away across the country or around the world (although, personally speaking, we don't think it's a bad idea!). You might be able to stay in your town around your respective families. You might be able to draw boundary lines that will allow you to leave and cleave. Whether it be with a physical move or an emotional one, there must be a definite leaving of the family and the establishment of who who your family is and will become.
If you have been physically near your family and emotionally close to them, this will be hard on you but especially difficult for them. They may not understand you and might feel slighted by your choosing to leave. In this moment you have the opportunity to show them that this decision is not about them but about you and your household. The best way to do that is by making your family successful in this new venture. Making your family successful does not mean making a lot of money or acquiring new toys. Making your family successful means putting them first...doing things together...growing closer...finding the room to experiment...creating family experiences that are solely yours.
Leaving your family and cleaving to your wife is rite of passage that our culture desperately needs to return to. So, in your stand for marriage, ask yourself....have I REALLY left my parents? Have I become cloven (I think that is correct grammar) to my spouse? If you cannot say yes to both, maybe it's time to reevaluate where you have put your marriage in your priorities. This can be a very sensitive subject...so proceed with caution. Remember, your parents raised you for years and they only want to see the best for you. Sometimes though, your need to cleave to your spouse can become hijacked by their care for you. Don't be harsh...firm, but not harsh. Use wisdom.
Tomorrow we'll talk about how this actually works.
Josh and Serena
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