Today, we will try to expound on some of the ways for you and your spouse to make clean and godly breaks between family members. For us, 8 years of marriage (before moving to Colorado the first time) was about extending the familial ties, not exactly cutting them. We definitely do not have all of the answers to this sensitive subject, but we were asked to address it...so we are going to do our best.
When we made the decision to move to Colorado it was definitely for the healing of our marriage. I (Serena) had become very dependent on the emotional support of Josh's family AND the frequent visits from my own mother. I would not trade that support for the world but we also knew that for the sake of our marriage we both had to break some ties. Some of them we did not even realize until after we had moved. Going against the wishes of our parents was truly heartbreaking. For both of us it was one of the toughest decisions of our lives. How do you honor, respect, and appreciate the counsel of your parents and yet disappoint them at the same time?
Leaving your home (for the purpose of cleaving to your spouse) does not mean you stop talking with them and permanently withdraw. It doesn't mean you no longer have a good relationship with your parents. That's isolating yourself from your parents, not leaving. The commandment in Exodus 20:12 to honor your father and mother means that when you leave them, you need to go with respect, love, admiration, and affirmation. Being raised in a broken home my mom always made sure that we honored my father, even if we didn't feel he deserved it or even if was hard. Honoring doesn't change just because the circumstances aren't ideal.
You must make a break from them. It specifically says in Ephesians 5:31 that a man shall leave his father and mother and cling to his wife. For us this also means being diligent to prevent any reestablishment of dependence---this is an area we are STILL working on. When we moved back to California to mend fences it was a critical moment for us. How do you accept the helping hand of family and yet still maintain independence? Honestly, we don't know! And, again, when we made the decision for our family to move back to Colorado...it felt like a ripping! Our hearts were saddened; we had become so dependent it was very difficult to make the decision that was best for our family, but it must be done. Sometimes it ends up being done more than once.
God knows your heart, and ultimately, you must do what is best for your family. Do you want to respect your parents? Is your desire to honor them? Maybe a letter or a family chat expressing your gratitude for all they have done to help you and guide you in your life. Consider a thank-you gift for all they have done to ensure that you succeed as you make your decisions. Definitely reassure your parents that you are not wanting to abandon them for good but you have to learn how to be on your own. Make it about you and your family, even if you feel your parents are over-protective--make it about YOUR need to make the separation. According to Scripture this isn't about your parents leaving you alone....this is about the HUSBAND leaving. This is about the break necessary for your spouse. Over the years Josh and I have been under the guidance of many great men and women of God, and the advise they have given to us has been very helpful in this area. Unity between a husband and wife is critical in the foundation of a marriage.
If you are a wife who has never "left" her parents in order to cling to her husband's leadership and authority, it's time. This may be very difficult if your relationship with them is good. BUT you need to share with your parents that God has been doing a new thing in your heart, and that you really need to give your husband the respect he deserves and honor his leadership. It can be very difficult if it's something you have done for a long period of time. Or perhaps your own mother was dependent upon her parents. We often model what we lived with. God is preparing you for something great; you must follow the leadership of your husband. Remember what we are learning and modeling is teaching the next generation how to behave. If done respectfully and with a humble heart your parents will at least HEAR you and you can explain you have no desire to hurt them by your decisions.
If you are a husband who has never left the comfort of your family, it's time to man up and stand on your own two feet. Josh went to a conference called, Man Up, and it was very good at teaching him to take responsibility for his place as spiritual head of our home. It might feel a little strange and your first few decisions on your own will be quite nerve-wracking. But, you will be able to grow in areas that you haven't. You will need to share with your parents your need to lead your family and how you cannot fully do that until you leave.
Certain relationships may feel more sensitive than others, for example, my mom is a single parent, and it can be hard to break away if she no longer has anyone at home to lean on and may feel terribly alone. Thankfully, because I moved to California it was not difficult for me to separate from my mom, and she also had an amazing friend to lean on. Like we stated earlier, if you had a parent that modeled behavior different from what you desire or what they desired. In both of these situations, the leaving can create a void. The leaving and cleaving issue can be difficult on both sides. The parents and children feel a ripping. This doesn't mean it's not still necessary--the ties must be cut.
We are not trying to make it sound like the wisdom of parents should never be asked. You can honor your parents and also reap benefits by seeking their wisdom on certain issues. We would be foolish to say that parents do not have any wisdom. The Bible talks a lot about the advice of parents. AND those that love us the most (like parents) have some of the best wisdom. When you ask them to offer their insights, you must make it clear that you are seeking information and advice, not surrendering your right to make final decisions.* This was some of the best advice we were ever given once Josh came home. We really had to make decisions that were best for us, and it hurt us and our parents. First and foremost, always consult your spouse before seeking input from parents. This will become easier if you make a huge effort. The more you consult your spouse, the more natural this will become. If you and your spouse are on the same page it will always make asking for advise not about a battle of who's side but of truly seeking wisdom.
Sometimes without realizing it, we may allow our parents to reestablish the severed connections. It could occur during a Christmas visit. It might happen during a phone call when you mention to the parent some disappointment or failure experienced. This is why discussing faults and negatives with your parents has to be a VERY guarded thing, as it can cause a dependency that is VERY difficult to break. Our parents want to protect us, and it can cause problems. For us, this happens in reverse....Josh's family is on Serena's side, and Serena's family is on Josh's side. The dependency can still occur, if we are not careful. I was raised with a mom who always told me that if you get someone involved with your arguments or differences then it's hard for that person to forgive, as God did not extend grace for that situation, but he extended grace to YOU for that situation. I was very careful about what I shared while Josh was gone, because I knew grace was being given to me, from God, but it may not be to everyone else. Your relationship with your spouse is first and foremost.
You must not allow parents to innocently (or not so innocently) drive a wedge between you and your spouse. Some parents may seek to manipulate and control their child. We have seen friends with the need to set boundaries in their marriages, and it really has helped. Sometimes, the husband has had to step in and limit contact between his wife and her parents in order to establish his leadership. This is not a bad thing and it does not need to be a permanent thing. However, if he is seeing that something is not right because of manipulation it is necessary for the health of his marriage. These things can be (should be) discussed with each other on what is best for your marriage; the husband can explain to his wife the behavior he is observing...AND he may have to step in and speak with his wife's family. Or she might share with her husband what she is witnessing and her concerns and together work out a solution. All of this can be done with utmost respect, as well. These encounters WILL be intimidating for either spouse but boundaries need clarification.
You may want to seek advice before you take action; call your pastor or another successfully married couple. Your allegiance must always be to your spouse. Husbands, sometimes this means that you need to protect your wife. Sometimes you may need to graciously but firmly step in and shield her from a manipulative parent, but I beg you to gently guard your wife's heart and your marriage from a dad or mom whose intentions may be good but counterproductive. As you protect your wife, she will learn to trust you and will follow you anywhere.
If, as a couple, you are having trouble maintaining a clean break, you may decide to spend less time at home for holiday visits. Instead of a week, perhaps the stay should be shortened to two or three days. Or skip a holiday altogether, just as a way of clarifying for yourself where your boundaries lie. We have noticed that these situations vary for so many different people because our personalities differ. Some people have no problem living next door to their families and having severed these connections permanently. So, this is NOT about the distance you go, this might be about how prone you are to being dependent on your parents.
Having now been married for 12 years (which isn't that terribly long), we have come to realize, for us, leaving is not a one-time event or limited to the early years of marriage. The temptation to reconnect some of the old bonding lines will continue as long as our parents are alive. And you can't blame your parents....because they are your parents! They don't stop caring just because you got married! Many things in our life has made this all to clear, as our hearts have literally felt like they were breaking when we have had to go against the advice of our respective families. When grandchildren come along, most parents want to share from their vast stores of experience on how to raise kids--this can be beneficial, but you have to make sure you are able to also make decisions with your spouse.
Do you know how to make a decision on your own?
As children, we need to remain on guard so that our leaving remains proper, respectful, and honoring—a healthy, God-ordained realignment of the parent-child relationship. The relationships we have with our parents is something we cherish, but we must ultimately cherish the relationship with our spouse FIRST.....and only YOU and your spouse can determine what that means in your marriage.
Josh and Serena
*we have been told this sounds just like something from Dennis and Barbara Rainey's book, Starting Your Marriage Right. Although we have not read the book it does sound just like what he says. We have read, heard, and received lots of counsel over the years, and we will not be ones to say we have all of the answers. We have learned and gleaned a lot from many different resources, people, books, counselors, thank you for understanding that our goal is not to steal from other people but to share what we have learned.
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