The past couple of days have been a rough patch of writing for us. Not because we don't care; we do. But, addressing abuse and unmasking the enemy can be a very exhausting task. Nevertheless, we know that these things must be said from time to time so that none of us can be excused for not knowing.
As we wrap up this short series on abuse, let's remember a couple of key points...
1. Divorce is not the answer. Because of the covenant that we lock ourselves into with marriage, divorce is an unnatural tearing. Even when abuse is present, divorce is not the answer. Divorce is simply putting a band-aid on cancer. Divorce does not deal with issues that need dealing with. It only temporarily removes the symptoms of the greater problem.
2. The enemy (aka the devil) wants you to lose. He will do whatever he can to make you fail. He will try to distract you, beat you, frustrate you and a host of other tricks. But, because we have God Himself on the inside we only have to not give up. The Father will do the rest. Don't look at the circumstances; look to the Eternal God that sees everything and is making a way for you to become restored.
2. God is greater. He is bigger than any abuse, any infidelity, any failure, any short-comings, and any lack. If we will hold to Him and not be so easily swayed by the doctrines of the world, we will see His ultimate power displayed through His restoration of our marriage.
3. You are not your own...you belong to God Almighty. As much as we may love our spouses we cannot lean on them to give us our identity. If we leave it to our spouses to tell us who we are we will wind up misshapen and retarded. And if our spouse has abused us in any way the damage done is that much greater. We must rely upon the Father to tell us who we are and remind us that we belong to Him.
We hope and pray that through our life and this humble blog that we are able to help even one person stand for what God has given to them. We love you all and pray constantly that His Holy Spirit would guide you on this journey.
Josh and Serena
Friday, September 30, 2011
Thursday, September 29, 2011
Emotional Abuse
Our bodies were created with the ability to heal itself. When our body receives an injury, large or small, it immediately begins to heal itself. Our bodies can fight off infection resulting from an injury, can regrow new bone where one has been broken, and construct new blood cells to name a few ways that our bodies work to restore itself back to health.
However, our souls- the intangible piece of you and I that floats between the spirit and the body- does not have that ability naturally. That is why emotional abuse is almost more diabolical than physical abuse. Your body can recover and heal itself; your soul begins to feed on the injury and it turns into a cancer of the soul, eating away at all that is good and lovely.
Our souls are a most interesting piece of our make-up. We are the only created being that possesses a soul. Animals and plants do not have this. We were made in the image and likeness of God Himself. God blew into Adam's nostrils and filled him with His own life and man lived. No other being has God's breath filling and flooding their life. However, when Adam sinned and took all of us with him into a life of sin there was a severing between our soul and God's Spirit. We have been trying to get back to that place since the fall and this is why Jesus came. When the disconnect between us and God happened, our souls were left to fend for themselves. When we were connected to Him, His divinity was easily supplied to our inner man and we did not know sickness or injury to our souls.
Our souls are fed by whatever they are connected to. When we were connected to God, He feeds us and supplies what our souls need. When we are connected to something or someone other than God, our souls lack the completeness that was found in God. As a result, our souls become twisted, deformed, and vulnerable to any and all attacks. This is why emotional abuse is so deadly. It has the ability to kill from the inside out.
Victims of emotional abuse do not fit into any mold or demographic. On the outside they may look right as rain but on the inside they are crumbling to pieces. They put up brave fronts to the world but in secret they deal with depression, physical self abuse, and suicide. And within the marital context, the victim's mentality is extremely dangerous.
When we all pledged our life to our spouses, we joined our soul to theirs. We are no longer two but one...not only in body but in soul and spirit as well. And being joined to another in this manner, we allow ourselves to be opened up to anything and everything that our spouses connect with. They are able to access your deep inner man and you have access to theirs.
What does emotional abuse look like? That is a hard question to answer. It could look like nothing; it could look like everything. It can take the shape of rude and insensitive comments. It can take the appearance of belittling and hateful words. It can be no attention given when it is needed. It can play favorites. It can be the silent treatment or shouting matches laced with obscenities.
The purpose of emotional abuse, from a human viewpoint, is to tear a person down from the inside so that they will not fight back on the outside. It is tortuous and inhumane. If you treated your dog in this manner, the authorities would take them away from you. But, in this world and culture we are taught to keep silent about such matters between husbands and wives. The purpose of emotional abuse, from a spiritual viewpoint, is to make you forget who you are and WHOSE you are.
The words that are spoken over and to a spouse can hit harder than a prize-fighter and can cut deeper than a surgeon's scalpel. A wound suffered in the soul is one that is virtually impossible to heal, especially when dealt from the lips of the man or woman that you pledged your life to. This is not to say that it cannot be healed. But, wounds in the soul can only be healed by the One that put your soul there to begin with.
Even if the victim of emotional abuse (outside of the grace of God) is able to reconcile on the outside with their abuser and that abuse never happens again, there will always be a tiny piece in the back of their mind that says, "What if...?" Only through God and His unending grace and mercy can a victim emotional abuse find the healing that they so desperately need. When you allow God to begin the work of healing a wounded soul, He begins by telling you who He is, who you are, and WHOSE you are. You belong to Him. The enemy of our souls would have believe that you are nothing and are worthless. But, YOU BELONG TO HIM!! You are worth more than anything else in all of creation. You are so worth so great a price that the only thing worthy to pay your ransom was the blood of Christ. That is what you are worth!!
In order to experience this healing you MUST reconnect your souls to God Almighty and allow His divinity to come in contact with the wound. We understand that it will take a level of trust that you seem to not have. But, the choice is yours...you can live with growing cancer of a wounded soul or you can take a risk and allow the Creator of your soul to touch the wound and heal it.
It is interesting that at the core of emotional abuse both the abuser and the victim are suffering from the same lack and the same root problem. Both have lost their identity. Both feel worthless. Both are suffering. Both are where they are by what they have been told.
It doesn't matter which one you are, victim or abuser, both of you can receive the healing from Jehovah simply by asking. We are praying for each of you.
Josh and Serena
However, our souls- the intangible piece of you and I that floats between the spirit and the body- does not have that ability naturally. That is why emotional abuse is almost more diabolical than physical abuse. Your body can recover and heal itself; your soul begins to feed on the injury and it turns into a cancer of the soul, eating away at all that is good and lovely.
Our souls are a most interesting piece of our make-up. We are the only created being that possesses a soul. Animals and plants do not have this. We were made in the image and likeness of God Himself. God blew into Adam's nostrils and filled him with His own life and man lived. No other being has God's breath filling and flooding their life. However, when Adam sinned and took all of us with him into a life of sin there was a severing between our soul and God's Spirit. We have been trying to get back to that place since the fall and this is why Jesus came. When the disconnect between us and God happened, our souls were left to fend for themselves. When we were connected to Him, His divinity was easily supplied to our inner man and we did not know sickness or injury to our souls.
Our souls are fed by whatever they are connected to. When we were connected to God, He feeds us and supplies what our souls need. When we are connected to something or someone other than God, our souls lack the completeness that was found in God. As a result, our souls become twisted, deformed, and vulnerable to any and all attacks. This is why emotional abuse is so deadly. It has the ability to kill from the inside out.
Victims of emotional abuse do not fit into any mold or demographic. On the outside they may look right as rain but on the inside they are crumbling to pieces. They put up brave fronts to the world but in secret they deal with depression, physical self abuse, and suicide. And within the marital context, the victim's mentality is extremely dangerous.
When we all pledged our life to our spouses, we joined our soul to theirs. We are no longer two but one...not only in body but in soul and spirit as well. And being joined to another in this manner, we allow ourselves to be opened up to anything and everything that our spouses connect with. They are able to access your deep inner man and you have access to theirs.
What does emotional abuse look like? That is a hard question to answer. It could look like nothing; it could look like everything. It can take the shape of rude and insensitive comments. It can take the appearance of belittling and hateful words. It can be no attention given when it is needed. It can play favorites. It can be the silent treatment or shouting matches laced with obscenities.
The purpose of emotional abuse, from a human viewpoint, is to tear a person down from the inside so that they will not fight back on the outside. It is tortuous and inhumane. If you treated your dog in this manner, the authorities would take them away from you. But, in this world and culture we are taught to keep silent about such matters between husbands and wives. The purpose of emotional abuse, from a spiritual viewpoint, is to make you forget who you are and WHOSE you are.
The words that are spoken over and to a spouse can hit harder than a prize-fighter and can cut deeper than a surgeon's scalpel. A wound suffered in the soul is one that is virtually impossible to heal, especially when dealt from the lips of the man or woman that you pledged your life to. This is not to say that it cannot be healed. But, wounds in the soul can only be healed by the One that put your soul there to begin with.
Even if the victim of emotional abuse (outside of the grace of God) is able to reconcile on the outside with their abuser and that abuse never happens again, there will always be a tiny piece in the back of their mind that says, "What if...?" Only through God and His unending grace and mercy can a victim emotional abuse find the healing that they so desperately need. When you allow God to begin the work of healing a wounded soul, He begins by telling you who He is, who you are, and WHOSE you are. You belong to Him. The enemy of our souls would have believe that you are nothing and are worthless. But, YOU BELONG TO HIM!! You are worth more than anything else in all of creation. You are so worth so great a price that the only thing worthy to pay your ransom was the blood of Christ. That is what you are worth!!
In order to experience this healing you MUST reconnect your souls to God Almighty and allow His divinity to come in contact with the wound. We understand that it will take a level of trust that you seem to not have. But, the choice is yours...you can live with growing cancer of a wounded soul or you can take a risk and allow the Creator of your soul to touch the wound and heal it.
It is interesting that at the core of emotional abuse both the abuser and the victim are suffering from the same lack and the same root problem. Both have lost their identity. Both feel worthless. Both are suffering. Both are where they are by what they have been told.
It doesn't matter which one you are, victim or abuser, both of you can receive the healing from Jehovah simply by asking. We are praying for each of you.
Josh and Serena
Wednesday, September 28, 2011
Physical Abuse
Disclaimer: As we begin this series on abuse do not look at your own marriage for faults and flaws that are not there. While some marital situations are abusive not all are. Do not imagine something into existence because it justifies you and your reactions to the situation. If there is abuse in your marriage, we pray that this helps. If there is no abuse, please pray that those that need help would find it. Our definitions here are rather broad. Therefore, check your heart in regards to whether you are abusing or are being abused.
Most of the time when we think of abuse, we think of a drunken middle-aged man in a dirty and stained A-shirt on a rampage through his house. This is true for some but many times physical abuse takes on a more sinister disguise. Not all drunken middle-aged men in dirty and stained A-shirts are abusers; nor are all clean cut, well-educated and sober men NON-abusers. And physical abuse does not only come at the hands of angry men; women are physical abusers as well.
Physical abuse cannot be summed up or stereotyped into a single demographic. It occurs to those in the lowest of income brackets and in the homes of those that make millions. It happens in non-Christian homes as well as in the most prominent of positions within the church, the pastors. It crosses all boundaries- foreign, domestic, race, religion, conservatives, liberals, and sex.
Most physical abuse (that we hear about) occurs in the form of striking another individual with a body part or other object within reach. However, there is other physical abuse that is not so well known but just as evil. One of those ways would be the physical presence of the larger individual (most often the male) in the marriage. If their size and demeanor are used in a threatening way it can be abuse. Their physical make-up was never intended to be used as an intimidating factor so that they can get their way. It was given to protect and comfort those entrusted to them.
Another way would be within the sexual arena and marital bed. Abuse here can occur in different forms. First, sex can be used as a weapon against the other spouse. Both husbands and wives have the ability to wield this weapon. Sex was given for recreation and procreation between a husband and wife. Not to be withheld because you're "going to teach them a lesson." Another way that sex can be classified as abuse is when one spouse forces the other to engage in a form of sex that causes them to be uncomfortable or ashamed. We believe that all things between a husband and wife are permissible within the marriage bed....with the exception of that which grieves the body, soul, and spirit of the other. Another way that sex can be classified as abuse is when a spouse is more concerned with their own sexual gratification and will completely neglect the other once their need is fulfilled. This is not always abuse but can turn into it if left unchecked.
This is a sick and degenerative way of life for the abuser. It is sad and heart-breaking for the one being abused. When we spoke our vows to one another we did so with the intent in mind that this person that we were pledging our lives would not be hurt by us and would not intentionally hurt us. But, the joy and elation of the wedding day fades and the frustrations of married life come to the surface soon enough. And when one person does not know how to cope with the difficulties of married life and finds it easier to bully the other one in order to get their way, it becomes their way of life.
Now, for some real talk...and hope!
If you are the physical abuser in your marriage, you MUST stop!! NOW!! There is NEVER an excuse to use your body as a weapon against your beloved spouse. Just because you do not know how to deal with people in ways that do not include physical intimidation does not give you the right to do so. You are wrong and living in sin. We do not care about your position or title. You may be a just a blue collar worker (like Josh), a high-powered high society type, or stand behind a pulpit on Sunday mornings....if you use physical violence to run your marriage and family, you need to repent and ask the Holy Spirit to renew your heart and cause you to be the person that you were designed to be. You need to ask for forgiveness of those that you have abused.
If you have been on the receiving end of this type of relationship, the first thing you need to know is that it is not your fault. They are the way they are because they have not been taught. And the first thing you need to do is to FORGIVE them. Even if they have not asked for it, do it anyway. There is a blessing waiting for you when you can overcome the hurt of what has been done to you and forgive your enemy, even if the enemy is your own spouse. Depending on the severity and frequency of the abuse, a TEMPORARY separation may be in order so that BOTH of you can get the help that you need. Consult an older, wiser, more tempered saint to help you and your spouse navigate this delicate situation. Pray for your spouse. Do not give up on them. The enemy of our souls has somehow convinced them that this an acceptable way to deal with life. You do not know what God is able to do with you and through you if you will stay completely submitted to Him. For all you know your gentle spirit and quiet, peaceful composure may be just the thing that will win you spouse to Christ.
Abuse, though sad and terrifying, is not a reason for divorce. There is a place of healing, wholeness, and restoration in Christ. It is available to you simply by asking. Like we have said before (and will continue to say over and over and over), God is bigger. HE IS BIGGER!!!! Nothing can stand before Him. So, if you will remain humble before Him and submitted to Him, He will deal with those that would seek to do you harm. He will not sit idly by and watch as another would destroy one of His children. However, God's destruction of the abuser does not always look like we want it to. Sometimes His way of destroying the abuser is by making them one of His own.
Josh and Serena
Most of the time when we think of abuse, we think of a drunken middle-aged man in a dirty and stained A-shirt on a rampage through his house. This is true for some but many times physical abuse takes on a more sinister disguise. Not all drunken middle-aged men in dirty and stained A-shirts are abusers; nor are all clean cut, well-educated and sober men NON-abusers. And physical abuse does not only come at the hands of angry men; women are physical abusers as well.
Physical abuse cannot be summed up or stereotyped into a single demographic. It occurs to those in the lowest of income brackets and in the homes of those that make millions. It happens in non-Christian homes as well as in the most prominent of positions within the church, the pastors. It crosses all boundaries- foreign, domestic, race, religion, conservatives, liberals, and sex.
Most physical abuse (that we hear about) occurs in the form of striking another individual with a body part or other object within reach. However, there is other physical abuse that is not so well known but just as evil. One of those ways would be the physical presence of the larger individual (most often the male) in the marriage. If their size and demeanor are used in a threatening way it can be abuse. Their physical make-up was never intended to be used as an intimidating factor so that they can get their way. It was given to protect and comfort those entrusted to them.
Another way would be within the sexual arena and marital bed. Abuse here can occur in different forms. First, sex can be used as a weapon against the other spouse. Both husbands and wives have the ability to wield this weapon. Sex was given for recreation and procreation between a husband and wife. Not to be withheld because you're "going to teach them a lesson." Another way that sex can be classified as abuse is when one spouse forces the other to engage in a form of sex that causes them to be uncomfortable or ashamed. We believe that all things between a husband and wife are permissible within the marriage bed....with the exception of that which grieves the body, soul, and spirit of the other. Another way that sex can be classified as abuse is when a spouse is more concerned with their own sexual gratification and will completely neglect the other once their need is fulfilled. This is not always abuse but can turn into it if left unchecked.
This is a sick and degenerative way of life for the abuser. It is sad and heart-breaking for the one being abused. When we spoke our vows to one another we did so with the intent in mind that this person that we were pledging our lives would not be hurt by us and would not intentionally hurt us. But, the joy and elation of the wedding day fades and the frustrations of married life come to the surface soon enough. And when one person does not know how to cope with the difficulties of married life and finds it easier to bully the other one in order to get their way, it becomes their way of life.
Now, for some real talk...and hope!
If you are the physical abuser in your marriage, you MUST stop!! NOW!! There is NEVER an excuse to use your body as a weapon against your beloved spouse. Just because you do not know how to deal with people in ways that do not include physical intimidation does not give you the right to do so. You are wrong and living in sin. We do not care about your position or title. You may be a just a blue collar worker (like Josh), a high-powered high society type, or stand behind a pulpit on Sunday mornings....if you use physical violence to run your marriage and family, you need to repent and ask the Holy Spirit to renew your heart and cause you to be the person that you were designed to be. You need to ask for forgiveness of those that you have abused.
If you have been on the receiving end of this type of relationship, the first thing you need to know is that it is not your fault. They are the way they are because they have not been taught. And the first thing you need to do is to FORGIVE them. Even if they have not asked for it, do it anyway. There is a blessing waiting for you when you can overcome the hurt of what has been done to you and forgive your enemy, even if the enemy is your own spouse. Depending on the severity and frequency of the abuse, a TEMPORARY separation may be in order so that BOTH of you can get the help that you need. Consult an older, wiser, more tempered saint to help you and your spouse navigate this delicate situation. Pray for your spouse. Do not give up on them. The enemy of our souls has somehow convinced them that this an acceptable way to deal with life. You do not know what God is able to do with you and through you if you will stay completely submitted to Him. For all you know your gentle spirit and quiet, peaceful composure may be just the thing that will win you spouse to Christ.
Abuse, though sad and terrifying, is not a reason for divorce. There is a place of healing, wholeness, and restoration in Christ. It is available to you simply by asking. Like we have said before (and will continue to say over and over and over), God is bigger. HE IS BIGGER!!!! Nothing can stand before Him. So, if you will remain humble before Him and submitted to Him, He will deal with those that would seek to do you harm. He will not sit idly by and watch as another would destroy one of His children. However, God's destruction of the abuser does not always look like we want it to. Sometimes His way of destroying the abuser is by making them one of His own.
Josh and Serena
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
Our Position on Abuse- An Overview
So, here we go....taking on a subject that feels WAY too big for our humble little blog and experience. But, nevertheless, we're taking a run at it. We're talking about ABUSE; particularly abuse within the confines of the marriage covenant. It is so sad that this even has to be a subject of a series of posts. The fabric of our society is tearing at the seams and this is an unfortunate and heart-breaking reality that so many have to deal with. Here is our basic position and we will try to expound on it in the days ahead.
1. It's wrong! There is no way of looking at it that will excuse it, neither is there any way to twist it into a good thing. It is evil. It is a perversion of the perfect plan of God. Abuse comes in many forms (physical, emotional, spiritual, and sexual) and ALL of them are directly from the devil and seek to destroy that which God has deemed good and beautiful.
2. Anything used outside of it's intended purpose is abuse. If you use a butter knife as a screwdriver, you are abusing the butter knife. It destroys the knife AND the screw. If you use your marriage or your spouse in ways that were never meant for the marriage covenant, it's abuse. You will get hurt, your spouse will get hurt, and your marriage will suffer.
3. There is NO situation so big that God is not bigger still. It does not matter how great the sin performed by you or upon you, God's grace is still able to reach that sensitive area and cover it so that it will be healed and made whole. You have heard us say that God is bigger than divorce; He is also bigger than any kind of abuse. If you believe otherwise you are saying (even if you haven't vocalized it) that there is something or someone bigger than the Almighty.
4. Abuse is not an acceptable reason for divorce. In God's Word, He gave us only ONE reason for divorce....infidelity. And that ONE exception was only given because we continued to press Him for the a way out, not because that was His Divine Plan. And now, we are reaping the consequences of our stubbornness and arrogance that we, somehow, know a better way than the Everlasting God.
5. Recovery and restoration from abuse should not be dealt with alone. It should be handled by a skilled and qualified counselor. And by skilled and qualified we do not necessarily mean someone with lots of letters after their name (PhD, D.Theo, M.D., etc) By skilled and qualified we mean someone that speaks to God and hears the voice of the Holy Spirit, has the confidence and courage to do what the Holy Spirit says (even if it sounds absurd and crazy), has the boldness and fearlessness to not back down from evil, the gentleness to guide you on the path to complete recovery in Christ but with the tenacity to be in your face when you need it. This is not to say that those with degrees and training in abuse counseling cannot be of help; they can. However, if you are reading this you and are in an abusive situation, you want to stand for your marriage. Many people in the world will not share your same belief about this. That is why we suggest you find that person or people that can play that crucial role of counselor for you. This may be your pastor, your pastor's wife, close friend, or some other spiritual mentor.
6. In certain cases, temporary separation is an advisable option. Mind you, we said IN CERTAIN CASES, not ALL. Anytime a separation from a spouse is put in place the chances for divorce become so much greater. This is a time where the advice of a skilled and qualified counselor would be of great help.
7. There is ABSOLUTELY a healing and wholeness available to you through the work of Christ on the cross. There is no sickness, no wound, no disease...there is nothing that the blood shed by Jesus cannot cover and make new. Nothing we do and nothing done to us that He is able to heal. This is why Jesus came to us....to heal us and make us whole...body, soul and spirit.
This is just an overview of what we believe. We will be getting into some of the uglier parts of this unfortunate disease in the next few days. We love you all and are praying for you. Our prayer is that this will inspire and empower someone to make the difficult choice of listening to the Holy Spirit and stand for their marriage, regardless of what is happening around them and being done to them.
Josh and Serena
1. It's wrong! There is no way of looking at it that will excuse it, neither is there any way to twist it into a good thing. It is evil. It is a perversion of the perfect plan of God. Abuse comes in many forms (physical, emotional, spiritual, and sexual) and ALL of them are directly from the devil and seek to destroy that which God has deemed good and beautiful.
2. Anything used outside of it's intended purpose is abuse. If you use a butter knife as a screwdriver, you are abusing the butter knife. It destroys the knife AND the screw. If you use your marriage or your spouse in ways that were never meant for the marriage covenant, it's abuse. You will get hurt, your spouse will get hurt, and your marriage will suffer.
3. There is NO situation so big that God is not bigger still. It does not matter how great the sin performed by you or upon you, God's grace is still able to reach that sensitive area and cover it so that it will be healed and made whole. You have heard us say that God is bigger than divorce; He is also bigger than any kind of abuse. If you believe otherwise you are saying (even if you haven't vocalized it) that there is something or someone bigger than the Almighty.
4. Abuse is not an acceptable reason for divorce. In God's Word, He gave us only ONE reason for divorce....infidelity. And that ONE exception was only given because we continued to press Him for the a way out, not because that was His Divine Plan. And now, we are reaping the consequences of our stubbornness and arrogance that we, somehow, know a better way than the Everlasting God.
5. Recovery and restoration from abuse should not be dealt with alone. It should be handled by a skilled and qualified counselor. And by skilled and qualified we do not necessarily mean someone with lots of letters after their name (PhD, D.Theo, M.D., etc) By skilled and qualified we mean someone that speaks to God and hears the voice of the Holy Spirit, has the confidence and courage to do what the Holy Spirit says (even if it sounds absurd and crazy), has the boldness and fearlessness to not back down from evil, the gentleness to guide you on the path to complete recovery in Christ but with the tenacity to be in your face when you need it. This is not to say that those with degrees and training in abuse counseling cannot be of help; they can. However, if you are reading this you and are in an abusive situation, you want to stand for your marriage. Many people in the world will not share your same belief about this. That is why we suggest you find that person or people that can play that crucial role of counselor for you. This may be your pastor, your pastor's wife, close friend, or some other spiritual mentor.
6. In certain cases, temporary separation is an advisable option. Mind you, we said IN CERTAIN CASES, not ALL. Anytime a separation from a spouse is put in place the chances for divorce become so much greater. This is a time where the advice of a skilled and qualified counselor would be of great help.
7. There is ABSOLUTELY a healing and wholeness available to you through the work of Christ on the cross. There is no sickness, no wound, no disease...there is nothing that the blood shed by Jesus cannot cover and make new. Nothing we do and nothing done to us that He is able to heal. This is why Jesus came to us....to heal us and make us whole...body, soul and spirit.
This is just an overview of what we believe. We will be getting into some of the uglier parts of this unfortunate disease in the next few days. We love you all and are praying for you. Our prayer is that this will inspire and empower someone to make the difficult choice of listening to the Holy Spirit and stand for their marriage, regardless of what is happening around them and being done to them.
Josh and Serena
Monday, September 26, 2011
Win Win
How do you and your spouse fight? Do you fight fair? Or do you hit below the belt? Do you bring up past offenses and instances of when you were wronged? We would venture to say that all of us, at one time or another, have said something or done something in the heat of the moment that we regret. We have; we try not to but we do from time to time.
What we don't realize most of the time is that when we fight unfairly with our spouse we are doing damage to ourselves, not just our spouse. If you say whatever you must in order to "win" the argument, you have actually lost it. You don't win when you "win"; you lose when you "win" the fight.
It is inevitable for us to have arguments, disagreements, and fights with our spouses. We're not going to avoid them no matter how many marriage conferences we attend, workshops we learn from, or blogs we read. Two distinctly different people will eventually not see eye to eye on some matter and will wind up in some sort of argument. It is bound to happen. But, we can learn how to come out ahead after it is over and actually find a "win win" solution.
In order to understand how to reach a "win win", we have to come to the understanding that you and your spouse are no longer two, but one, flesh. When you argue and fight with your spouse, you are not fighting with someone else; you are fighting with yourself. The same thing occurs when you are faced with a decision that you must make on your own. No spouse to ask, no counsel to be had...you have to decide for yourself. You weigh the options, both good and bad, and eventually find the solution that is most beneficial to you. When we are arguing with our spouse it is the two sides of a matter being decided upon by different view points. Neither one may be wrong or bad but a decision must be made; your spouse is simply voicing the opposing side.
Now, we know not all arguments and fights are based around a decision that must be made. Maybe you have been accused of something false and you feel like defending yourself? Or maybe one of you did something that hurt or wounded the other unintentionally? Maybe you fight about finances, work, hobbies, time, friends, family, sex, children, etc. Whatever the reason you can still find the "win win" solution. It all goes back to remembering that you are not two, but one.
It goes against the way we have been taught about winning and losing from childhood but it works. When you argue realize that if you make your spouse lose you have lost, too. But, if your spouse wins, you win. It may not always turn out the way that YOU want it to. And that, too, is OK.
Whatever you are fighting about is RARELY as important as your spouse's emotional well being. Does winning the fight mean so much to you that you don't care how they feel afterwards? If not, you have emotionally raped them. (Yes, it sounds harsh but we talk plainly here. Our marriages are too important and time is too short to waste time being polite about such serious matters.) By winning in this way we lose because we will have FORCED our will and desires upon another against their will. Not only will we have raped our spouses but we will have done the same to ourselves because we are no longer two, but one, flesh. By injuring our spouses we do damage to ourselves and, ultimately, abuse both of us.
Over the next couple of days, we will be looking at a very sensitive subject- ABUSE. We will attempt to share what it may look like because it comes out in various forms; some of which we may not be familiar with. Bear with us...it might get a little ugly around here. But, as always, we will try to give the hope that comes from the love of Christ through all of this.
Josh and Serena
What we don't realize most of the time is that when we fight unfairly with our spouse we are doing damage to ourselves, not just our spouse. If you say whatever you must in order to "win" the argument, you have actually lost it. You don't win when you "win"; you lose when you "win" the fight.
It is inevitable for us to have arguments, disagreements, and fights with our spouses. We're not going to avoid them no matter how many marriage conferences we attend, workshops we learn from, or blogs we read. Two distinctly different people will eventually not see eye to eye on some matter and will wind up in some sort of argument. It is bound to happen. But, we can learn how to come out ahead after it is over and actually find a "win win" solution.
In order to understand how to reach a "win win", we have to come to the understanding that you and your spouse are no longer two, but one, flesh. When you argue and fight with your spouse, you are not fighting with someone else; you are fighting with yourself. The same thing occurs when you are faced with a decision that you must make on your own. No spouse to ask, no counsel to be had...you have to decide for yourself. You weigh the options, both good and bad, and eventually find the solution that is most beneficial to you. When we are arguing with our spouse it is the two sides of a matter being decided upon by different view points. Neither one may be wrong or bad but a decision must be made; your spouse is simply voicing the opposing side.
Now, we know not all arguments and fights are based around a decision that must be made. Maybe you have been accused of something false and you feel like defending yourself? Or maybe one of you did something that hurt or wounded the other unintentionally? Maybe you fight about finances, work, hobbies, time, friends, family, sex, children, etc. Whatever the reason you can still find the "win win" solution. It all goes back to remembering that you are not two, but one.
It goes against the way we have been taught about winning and losing from childhood but it works. When you argue realize that if you make your spouse lose you have lost, too. But, if your spouse wins, you win. It may not always turn out the way that YOU want it to. And that, too, is OK.
Whatever you are fighting about is RARELY as important as your spouse's emotional well being. Does winning the fight mean so much to you that you don't care how they feel afterwards? If not, you have emotionally raped them. (Yes, it sounds harsh but we talk plainly here. Our marriages are too important and time is too short to waste time being polite about such serious matters.) By winning in this way we lose because we will have FORCED our will and desires upon another against their will. Not only will we have raped our spouses but we will have done the same to ourselves because we are no longer two, but one, flesh. By injuring our spouses we do damage to ourselves and, ultimately, abuse both of us.
Over the next couple of days, we will be looking at a very sensitive subject- ABUSE. We will attempt to share what it may look like because it comes out in various forms; some of which we may not be familiar with. Bear with us...it might get a little ugly around here. But, as always, we will try to give the hope that comes from the love of Christ through all of this.
Josh and Serena
Sunday, September 25, 2011
A Story
We're not sure where this is from or even true. We have had this waiting in a folder for a long time. We hope that through this story the Holy Spirit will speak to you however He needs to. Whether you are a stander waiting for your spouse to return or a prodigal not sure of the way back, read this and then listen to the Holy Spirit's voice.
When I got home that night as my wife served dinner, I held her hand and said, I've got something to tell you. She sat down and ate quietly. Again I observed the hurt in her eyes.
Suddenly I didn't know how to open my mouth. But I had to let her know what I was thinking. I want a divorce. I raised the topic calmly.
She didn't seem to be annoyed by my words, instead she asked me softly, why?
I avoided her question. This made her angry. She threw away the chopsticks and shouted at me, you are not a man! That night, we didn't talk to each other. She was weeping. I knew she wanted to find out what had happened to our marriage. But I could hardly give her a satisfactory answer; she had lost my heart to Jane. I didn't love her anymore. I just pitied her!
With a deep sense of guilt, I drafted a divorce agreement which stated that she could own our house, our car, and 30% stake of my company.
She glanced at it and then tore it into pieces. The woman who had spent ten years of her life with me had become a stranger. I felt sorry for her wasted time, resources and energy but I could not take back what I had said for I loved Jane so dearly. Finally she cried loudly in front of me, which was what I had expected to see. To me her cry was actually a kind of release. The idea of divorce which had obsessed me for several weeks seemed to be firmer and clearer now.
The next day, I came back home very late and found her writing something at the table. I didn't have supper but went straight to sleep and fell asleep very fast because I was tired after an eventful day with Jane.
When I woke up, she was still there at the table writing. I just did not care so I turned over and was asleep again.
In the morning she presented her divorce conditions: she didn't want anything from me, but needed a month's notice before the divorce. She requested that in that one month we both struggle to live as normal a life as possible. Her reasons were simple: our son had his exams in a month's time and she didn't want to disrupt him with our broken marriage.
This was agreeable to me. But she had something more, she asked me to recall how I had carried her into out bridal room on our wedding day.
She requested that every day for the month's duration I carry her out of our bedroom to the front door ever morning. I thought she was going crazy. Just to make our last days together bearable I accepted her odd request.
I told Jane about my wife's divorce conditions. . She laughed loudly and thought it was absurd. No matter what tricks she applies, she has to face the divorce, she said scornfully.
My wife and I hadn't had any body contact since my divorce intention was explicitly expressed. So when I carried her out on the first day, we both appeared clumsy. Our son clapped behind us, daddy is holding mommy in his arms. His words brought me a sense of pain. From the bedroom to the sitting room, then to the door, I walked over ten meters with her in my arms. She closed her eyes and said softly; don't tell our son about the divorce. I nodded, feeling somewhat upset. I put her down outside the door. She went to wait for the bus to work. I drove alone to the office.
On the second day, both of us acted much more easily. She leaned on my chest. I could smell the fragrance of her blouse. I realized that I hadn't looked at this woman carefully for a long time. I realized she was not young any more. There were fine wrinkles on her face, her hair was graying! Our marriage had taken its toll on her. For a minute I wondered what I had done to her.
On the fourth day, when I lifted her up, I felt a sense of intimacy returning. This was the woman who had given ten years of her life to me.
On the fifth and sixth day, I realized that our sense of intimacy was growing again. I didn't tell Jane about this. It became easier to carry her as the month slipped by. Perhaps the everyday workout made me stronger.
She was choosing what to wear one morning. She tried on quite a few dresses but could not find a suitable one. Then she sighed, all my dresses have grown bigger. I suddenly realized that she had grown so thin, that was the reason why I could carry her more easily.
Suddenly it hit me... she had buried so much pain and bitterness in her heart. Subconsciously I reached out and touched her head.
Our son came in at the moment and said, Dad, it's time to carry mom out. To him, seeing his father carrying his mother out had become an essential part of his life. My wife gestured to our son to come closer and hugged him tightly. I turned my face away because I was afraid I might change my mind at this last minute. I then held her in my arms, walking from the bedroom, through the sitting room, to the hallway. Her hand surrounded my neck softly and naturally. I held her body tightly; it was just like our wedding day.
But her much lighter weight made me sad. On the last day, when I held her in my arms I could hardly move a step. Our son had gone to school. I held her tightly and said, I hadn't noticed that our life lacked intimacy.
I drove to office.... jumped out of the car swiftly without locking the door. I was afraid any delay would make me change my mind...I walked upstairs. Jane opened the door and I said to her, Sorry, Jane, I do not want the divorce anymore.
She looked at me, astonished, and then touched my forehead. Do you have a fever? She said. I moved her hand off my head. Sorry, Jane, I said, I won't divorce. My marriage life was boring probably because she and I didn't value the details of our lives, not because we didn't love each other anymore. Now I realize that since I carried her into my home on our wedding day I am supposed to hold her until death do us apart.
Jane seemed to suddenly wake up. She gave me a loud slap and then slammed the door and burst into tears. I walked downstairs and drove away.
At the floral shop on the way, I ordered a bouquet of flowers for my wife. The salesgirl asked me what to write on the card. I smiled and wrote, I'll carry you out every morning until death do us apart.
That evening I arrived home, flowers in my hands, a smile on my face, I run up stairs, only to find my wife in the bed - dead. My wife had been fighting CANCER for months and I was so busy with Jane to even notice. She knew that she would die soon and she wanted to save me from the whatever negative reaction from our son, in case we push through with the divorce.-- At least, in the eyes of our son--- I'm a loving husband....
Now, listen....and then, obey.
Josh and Serena
Saturday, September 24, 2011
Scarred
Take a look at your body. I am sure that you have scars on it somewhere. Maybe from an accident or maybe a surgery. Maybe they are old scars, maybe new. If you think about it, it's pretty hard to go through this life unscathed. And besides, scars are cool!
Josh has a scar on his hand that is barely visible from a work injury when he was a teenager. He has another one above his right eye from playing with the family dog as a child. Serena has a scar on her head beneath her hair from hitting a rock while camping as a child. She has one across her abdomen from having to have C-sections with the birth of our children.
We all have them. Some bring back fond memories of good things that happened when you received them. Some bring back painful memories that you wish you could forget. Either way, we all have them. Even our Savior, Jesus Christ, possesses scars from his time on the cross. They remain on his hands, feet, and sides as reminder to us of the price that was paid for our ransom.
Not only do we have physical scars but also emotional and spiritual ones. Those are often more painful and regrettable than the ones on our bodies. And we're pretty sure that if you have been married for any real length of time that you have some from your marriage. If you're standing for the restoration of your marriage and the return of your spouse, you most assuredly have scars associated with it. And you will probably receive more.
However, scars can be hideous and ugly that are worthy of covering up OR they can be glorious and beautiful and deserving of being put on display. It all depends on your perspective.
If the wounds you have received in your marriage have healed improperly, the resulting scars will most likely be hid from everyone's view. You don't (or won't) talk about those things. You avoid situations that would expose those hideous features that now adorn your marriage. You find it easier to apply an emotional or spiritual cover-up to those areas than actually deal with the pain of having those wounds reset.
If the wounds that you have received in your marriage have healed properly, the resulting scars still will bring a twinge of regret and remorse over what caused them but will ultimately bring a sense of joy and exultation over the victory that has been won. You don't mind showing those scars to others that may be walking a similar road. You don't avoid those sensitive areas but embrace them as part of who you are now. You know that the more your scars are on display the more you unashamed of them you become. When you see them you don't shrink back in fear or shame. Rather, when you see them you realize that the marriage that you wanted could not have come without the scars you now have.
I'm sure that when Jesus sees His own scars He does not curse the cause of the pain. In fact, when He sees the scars He embraces the cause of them even more...you and I. He remembers the pain that brought them to His body but He also remembers that WE were the joy set before Him and that He gladly endured what caused them.
You're not getting out of this without some collateral damage to your perfect profile and image. So, you might as well get the right perspective from what is about to happen. It doesn't matter if you walk the road we did or not. Your marriage may never see the dark days that we did. You may see darker days. But, after it's all over you can either choose to have a bad attitude and curse the scars that are now evident in you OR you can have a REALLY cool story about those scars and how you got through those dark nights. No one really wants to hear you complain but EVERYONE is always down for an interesting story about a scar.
Josh and Serena
Josh has a scar on his hand that is barely visible from a work injury when he was a teenager. He has another one above his right eye from playing with the family dog as a child. Serena has a scar on her head beneath her hair from hitting a rock while camping as a child. She has one across her abdomen from having to have C-sections with the birth of our children.
We all have them. Some bring back fond memories of good things that happened when you received them. Some bring back painful memories that you wish you could forget. Either way, we all have them. Even our Savior, Jesus Christ, possesses scars from his time on the cross. They remain on his hands, feet, and sides as reminder to us of the price that was paid for our ransom.
Not only do we have physical scars but also emotional and spiritual ones. Those are often more painful and regrettable than the ones on our bodies. And we're pretty sure that if you have been married for any real length of time that you have some from your marriage. If you're standing for the restoration of your marriage and the return of your spouse, you most assuredly have scars associated with it. And you will probably receive more.
However, scars can be hideous and ugly that are worthy of covering up OR they can be glorious and beautiful and deserving of being put on display. It all depends on your perspective.
If the wounds you have received in your marriage have healed improperly, the resulting scars will most likely be hid from everyone's view. You don't (or won't) talk about those things. You avoid situations that would expose those hideous features that now adorn your marriage. You find it easier to apply an emotional or spiritual cover-up to those areas than actually deal with the pain of having those wounds reset.
If the wounds that you have received in your marriage have healed properly, the resulting scars still will bring a twinge of regret and remorse over what caused them but will ultimately bring a sense of joy and exultation over the victory that has been won. You don't mind showing those scars to others that may be walking a similar road. You don't avoid those sensitive areas but embrace them as part of who you are now. You know that the more your scars are on display the more you unashamed of them you become. When you see them you don't shrink back in fear or shame. Rather, when you see them you realize that the marriage that you wanted could not have come without the scars you now have.
I'm sure that when Jesus sees His own scars He does not curse the cause of the pain. In fact, when He sees the scars He embraces the cause of them even more...you and I. He remembers the pain that brought them to His body but He also remembers that WE were the joy set before Him and that He gladly endured what caused them.
You're not getting out of this without some collateral damage to your perfect profile and image. So, you might as well get the right perspective from what is about to happen. It doesn't matter if you walk the road we did or not. Your marriage may never see the dark days that we did. You may see darker days. But, after it's all over you can either choose to have a bad attitude and curse the scars that are now evident in you OR you can have a REALLY cool story about those scars and how you got through those dark nights. No one really wants to hear you complain but EVERYONE is always down for an interesting story about a scar.
Josh and Serena
Friday, September 23, 2011
Access to Strength
The Lord said to Gideon, "You have too many men for me to deliver Midian into their hands. In order that Israel may not boast against me that her own strength has saved her...The LORD said to Gideon, "With the three hundred men that lapped I will save you and give the Midianites into your hands." Judges 7:2, 7
Gideon had to reduce the army from 32,000 to 300! Can you imagine fighting and winning a battle with 300 men? It was God's battle, something we forget all too quickly. We feel alone, like no one is helping us. Can you imagine having an army of 32,000? I mean, the support would feel amazing. It would feel as though you could conquer everything. BUT maybe you are dealing with only 300? Or maybe it's just you? Think of how Gideon must have initially felt: What? You want me to win a battle with only these few? God wants to get all the glory, honor, and praise for any victory in a battle or a restored marriage. Only God's presence and His power can guarantee any victory for His people.
So remember--nothing is too hard for God. Where does your strength come from? Ask the Lord for strength. You may feel alone, but you have the strength of God on your side, and that is all you need. BUT you must ask for it.
It is God who arms me with strength and makes my way perfect. He makes my feet like the feet of a deer; he enables me to stand on the heights. Psalm 18:32-33
The Lord's strength is never too far we just need to ask Him for it. And we can do more than we could ever imagine, but it's not about how bad the circumstances are or how bad you feel. This is about a God that can do the impossible.
I can do everything through him who gives me strength. Philippians 4:13
Are you tired of waiting for your spouse to break off a relationship with the other person? Are your family and friends telling you to, "Get on with your life?" Are you tired of the fighting, the pain, the rejection and all that goes with adultery, separation or divorce? Are you tired of the never ending fights? Are you tired of the lack of joy?
I (Serena) think about what it was like when Josh was gone. Was it easier? Was it better without him? Oh, sure the source of pain was gone, but the pain was still there. The hurt, the rejection, the questions they were all still there. I am not sure why the world makes it seem that it is going to be better when you are by yourself or alone with your children. You will be responsible for everything! We have a few friends who are contemplating divorce or have just gone through it, and I do not find that their lives some how got easier. In fact, I would venture to say it's a lot harder. And a few of them are years down the road and STILL have hurts that have never been fully healed. So, this is a lie....it's not easier. It may feel that way, but it won't last. So, we aren't saying that standing for your marriage to be restored is easy, but it's that the pain won't get easier just because you get a divorce.
I (Serena) was asked the other day if I would really stand for my marriage if my story were uglier. God forbid it had been uglier, but I know many of you are going through much worse than I ever did. AND some of you may be going through less than I did. Pain is pain when it runs deep, and we are never quick to minimize the pain that people feel. If you are going through something less horrific than we did ..... it STILL hurts. AND if you are going through something worse than we did..... it STILL hurts. God's strength is the ONLY thing that can bring you through this hurt, and God is the ONLY one who can put the pieces back together. So, it doesn't matter how bad it is....God's strength is what you need. So, if I were to have gone through something worse I would still need to access God's strength.
O LORD, be gracious to us; we long for you. Be our strength every morning, our salvation in time of distress. Isaiah 33:2
God wants to restore marriage by His strength and power, not by our plans, our manipulations, our begging and pleading to our spouse. Our spouses need to know that our marriage can only be rebuilt by the TRUE HEALER or it will not last. Access His strength!
Josh and Serena
Gideon had to reduce the army from 32,000 to 300! Can you imagine fighting and winning a battle with 300 men? It was God's battle, something we forget all too quickly. We feel alone, like no one is helping us. Can you imagine having an army of 32,000? I mean, the support would feel amazing. It would feel as though you could conquer everything. BUT maybe you are dealing with only 300? Or maybe it's just you? Think of how Gideon must have initially felt: What? You want me to win a battle with only these few? God wants to get all the glory, honor, and praise for any victory in a battle or a restored marriage. Only God's presence and His power can guarantee any victory for His people.
So remember--nothing is too hard for God. Where does your strength come from? Ask the Lord for strength. You may feel alone, but you have the strength of God on your side, and that is all you need. BUT you must ask for it.
It is God who arms me with strength and makes my way perfect. He makes my feet like the feet of a deer; he enables me to stand on the heights. Psalm 18:32-33
The Lord's strength is never too far we just need to ask Him for it. And we can do more than we could ever imagine, but it's not about how bad the circumstances are or how bad you feel. This is about a God that can do the impossible.
I can do everything through him who gives me strength. Philippians 4:13
Are you tired of waiting for your spouse to break off a relationship with the other person? Are your family and friends telling you to, "Get on with your life?" Are you tired of the fighting, the pain, the rejection and all that goes with adultery, separation or divorce? Are you tired of the never ending fights? Are you tired of the lack of joy?
I (Serena) think about what it was like when Josh was gone. Was it easier? Was it better without him? Oh, sure the source of pain was gone, but the pain was still there. The hurt, the rejection, the questions they were all still there. I am not sure why the world makes it seem that it is going to be better when you are by yourself or alone with your children. You will be responsible for everything! We have a few friends who are contemplating divorce or have just gone through it, and I do not find that their lives some how got easier. In fact, I would venture to say it's a lot harder. And a few of them are years down the road and STILL have hurts that have never been fully healed. So, this is a lie....it's not easier. It may feel that way, but it won't last. So, we aren't saying that standing for your marriage to be restored is easy, but it's that the pain won't get easier just because you get a divorce.
I (Serena) was asked the other day if I would really stand for my marriage if my story were uglier. God forbid it had been uglier, but I know many of you are going through much worse than I ever did. AND some of you may be going through less than I did. Pain is pain when it runs deep, and we are never quick to minimize the pain that people feel. If you are going through something less horrific than we did ..... it STILL hurts. AND if you are going through something worse than we did..... it STILL hurts. God's strength is the ONLY thing that can bring you through this hurt, and God is the ONLY one who can put the pieces back together. So, it doesn't matter how bad it is....God's strength is what you need. So, if I were to have gone through something worse I would still need to access God's strength.
O LORD, be gracious to us; we long for you. Be our strength every morning, our salvation in time of distress. Isaiah 33:2
God wants to restore marriage by His strength and power, not by our plans, our manipulations, our begging and pleading to our spouse. Our spouses need to know that our marriage can only be rebuilt by the TRUE HEALER or it will not last. Access His strength!
Josh and Serena
Thursday, September 22, 2011
Remember When
Think back, if you will, to a time when you were younger and were thinking about your future. Maybe in your wildest dreams you dreamed of being an astronaut or president. My mom (Josh) dreamed of being a race car driver when she was younger. That's funny, to me, because if you met her you would never guess. But, we digress...
When we were younger we were able to live in a world of fantasy where anything was possible. Anything that we wanted to become, we could. Anything that we wanted to do, we did. Most females grew up thinking of and planning their wedding day with Mr. Right. Boys don't really think about those things but Josh had always dreamed of having a family...his family.
Remember when she was all you thought about? Remember when you used to pretend that you were Mrs. __________ and would write it out to see how it looked? Remember when you first began to notice her perfume and how your heart would start to pound when you smelled it because it meant that she was near? Remember when he could do no wrong and there was no one that could hold a candle to him? Remember when her hand first touched yours and you thought you just might pass out from the sheer joy of it? Remember when you purposefully brushed your hand against his to see if he would pass out from the sheer joy of it? Yea, you remember those days.
But, what happened?
When did it occur to us that our wildest dreams had possibly turned into a nightmare that actually proved to be the harshest reality. Life happened to us and we were caught unawares. Instead of becoming a firefighter or policeman or some other wild career, we awoke to find ourselves 30+ years old, still in the same dead-end job out of high school or college with no hopes of it changing. Maybe you found yourself at home trying to wrangle a household of children, dirty laundry, and bills with no appreciation for the work you've done. When all of this hits home in our marriages we find ourselves married to some one who has become a stranger, either because we slowly grew apart or deliberately. The man we married is rude, calloused, and unappreciative and shows not interest in you. The woman we married is no longer the inspiration to do the crazy and wild things we did to win her heart; in fact, she has become boring and unattractive.
This may seem like a nightmare but, for many, it is a reality. However, it doesn't have to be!!!
The power of our imagination that we once possessed as children is still inside of us. We have to call it forth and challenge ourselves to recreate the life we want from the life that we have. We are ABSOLUTELY NOT saying to drop everything, leave your spouse, and start over somewhere else. NO WAY!!! We are saying that if this is where you find yourself, it's time to make some drastic and permanent changes to the way you do life. Life seems to have happened to you, huh? Maybe it's time to make YOU happen to LIFE!
The woman that you married is still hiding in there under the surface. She is just waiting for the man that she fell in love with to do it again...and again....and again. Take some risks to win her heart back. So, what if you've only got a few bucks until payday....spend them on her and not another 6-pack. Call in sick now and then and spend the day with her; the bills and the work will still be there tomorrow. Let her know that just the thought of her waiting to be with you keeps you alive. Let her know how much you miss the scent of her perfume. Chase her, guys!!
That man you married...you know the one....the dashing, handsome guy with the cavalier and rebellious outward persona but was an old softy on the inside when you finally got him opened up...yea, him. He's still in there. Maybe he has just become bogged down with the cares of this life and has forgotten that he was always man enough to handle it. (Love you, Josh...you are man enough!) And back in the day, he was proud to handle life as it came if it meant that it would have impressed you. So, tell him how amazing he is. Tell him how impressive he is to you. Do the things that first made him strive to impress you. Let him chase you, ladies!! (But, let him catch you now and then..it's really fun!!)
Folks, this is not about how to put new sparks back into your old, tired marriage. It's about remembering what it was to dream and live that dream. Your marriage can be all that you imagine it to be. So, start imagining something greater than where you are now.
Josh and Serena
When we were younger we were able to live in a world of fantasy where anything was possible. Anything that we wanted to become, we could. Anything that we wanted to do, we did. Most females grew up thinking of and planning their wedding day with Mr. Right. Boys don't really think about those things but Josh had always dreamed of having a family...his family.
Remember when she was all you thought about? Remember when you used to pretend that you were Mrs. __________ and would write it out to see how it looked? Remember when you first began to notice her perfume and how your heart would start to pound when you smelled it because it meant that she was near? Remember when he could do no wrong and there was no one that could hold a candle to him? Remember when her hand first touched yours and you thought you just might pass out from the sheer joy of it? Remember when you purposefully brushed your hand against his to see if he would pass out from the sheer joy of it? Yea, you remember those days.
But, what happened?
When did it occur to us that our wildest dreams had possibly turned into a nightmare that actually proved to be the harshest reality. Life happened to us and we were caught unawares. Instead of becoming a firefighter or policeman or some other wild career, we awoke to find ourselves 30+ years old, still in the same dead-end job out of high school or college with no hopes of it changing. Maybe you found yourself at home trying to wrangle a household of children, dirty laundry, and bills with no appreciation for the work you've done. When all of this hits home in our marriages we find ourselves married to some one who has become a stranger, either because we slowly grew apart or deliberately. The man we married is rude, calloused, and unappreciative and shows not interest in you. The woman we married is no longer the inspiration to do the crazy and wild things we did to win her heart; in fact, she has become boring and unattractive.
This may seem like a nightmare but, for many, it is a reality. However, it doesn't have to be!!!
The power of our imagination that we once possessed as children is still inside of us. We have to call it forth and challenge ourselves to recreate the life we want from the life that we have. We are ABSOLUTELY NOT saying to drop everything, leave your spouse, and start over somewhere else. NO WAY!!! We are saying that if this is where you find yourself, it's time to make some drastic and permanent changes to the way you do life. Life seems to have happened to you, huh? Maybe it's time to make YOU happen to LIFE!
The woman that you married is still hiding in there under the surface. She is just waiting for the man that she fell in love with to do it again...and again....and again. Take some risks to win her heart back. So, what if you've only got a few bucks until payday....spend them on her and not another 6-pack. Call in sick now and then and spend the day with her; the bills and the work will still be there tomorrow. Let her know that just the thought of her waiting to be with you keeps you alive. Let her know how much you miss the scent of her perfume. Chase her, guys!!
That man you married...you know the one....the dashing, handsome guy with the cavalier and rebellious outward persona but was an old softy on the inside when you finally got him opened up...yea, him. He's still in there. Maybe he has just become bogged down with the cares of this life and has forgotten that he was always man enough to handle it. (Love you, Josh...you are man enough!) And back in the day, he was proud to handle life as it came if it meant that it would have impressed you. So, tell him how amazing he is. Tell him how impressive he is to you. Do the things that first made him strive to impress you. Let him chase you, ladies!! (But, let him catch you now and then..it's really fun!!)
Folks, this is not about how to put new sparks back into your old, tired marriage. It's about remembering what it was to dream and live that dream. Your marriage can be all that you imagine it to be. So, start imagining something greater than where you are now.
Josh and Serena
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
Roots
It is so amazing the way that God can speak at any given moment and the truth that He shares with you is so relevant and real. Today at work I (Josh) got called out for a repair that proved to be one of the most challenging I have ever encountered and here is where God spoke.
A client scheduled me to come out and repair a large river of water that was flowing from under their driveway. I have been doing this a long time and have encountered some very tricky repairs but this one was the worst. As I inspected the area I felt I knew what was the problem and quickly got to work to expose the damaged pipes.
As I began to dig I ran into a few roots. No big deal, I thought; I've had roots before. As I dug deeper and came closer to the pipe I found larger roots and eventually found them to be fully encasing the pipe I needed to work on. Many times I would have just chopped the roots and pipes and repaired the damage. But, on this particular repair I found about 10 wires that I really needed to not cut through. So, with caution in mind I removed all the imposing roots to accomplish the work I needed to do. I had found something precious that I did not want to destroy but still had to remove the problems and obstacles that surrounded them.
How relevant is this to our marriages and our spouses that we desire to draw back? Maybe your spouse is far from you and far from God surrounded by sin and other issues? The culture of world says divorce them, which is just like saying, "Chop the roots, the pipe, and the wires and then fix all the damage by replacing them." But, do you really want to have to replace that which is not broken or destroyed for the simple reason of saying that it's easier.
Yea, it would have been easier for me to cut through all of it and then replace all of it. But, for me, the wires were not damaged. I knew that if I was careful and payed attention to my work I could accomplish the repair and not cause myself extra work.
If we will truly pay attention to the work of our marriage, even if the damage done is great, we can help our spouses remove the damaged parts without severing all that is still good. We can cut the roots (sin, bitterness, pain, etc) and the damaged pipes (certain areas of one's life) and keep the wires (the good that is untouched and undamaged).
Your spouse is not all bad. There is still good in them. Your marriage is not all bad. There is still good there. You may have to dig through some extremely large roots to find it but don't get rid of everything just because it looks beyond repair. You just might find something precious if you dig deep enough.
I finished the repair without breaking any wires and repairing the broken pipe. I did it right and it proved to be my most exhausting repair. However, doing things right is not always easy. Many times, the right things are the hardest things.
Josh and Serena
A client scheduled me to come out and repair a large river of water that was flowing from under their driveway. I have been doing this a long time and have encountered some very tricky repairs but this one was the worst. As I inspected the area I felt I knew what was the problem and quickly got to work to expose the damaged pipes.
As I began to dig I ran into a few roots. No big deal, I thought; I've had roots before. As I dug deeper and came closer to the pipe I found larger roots and eventually found them to be fully encasing the pipe I needed to work on. Many times I would have just chopped the roots and pipes and repaired the damage. But, on this particular repair I found about 10 wires that I really needed to not cut through. So, with caution in mind I removed all the imposing roots to accomplish the work I needed to do. I had found something precious that I did not want to destroy but still had to remove the problems and obstacles that surrounded them.
How relevant is this to our marriages and our spouses that we desire to draw back? Maybe your spouse is far from you and far from God surrounded by sin and other issues? The culture of world says divorce them, which is just like saying, "Chop the roots, the pipe, and the wires and then fix all the damage by replacing them." But, do you really want to have to replace that which is not broken or destroyed for the simple reason of saying that it's easier.
Yea, it would have been easier for me to cut through all of it and then replace all of it. But, for me, the wires were not damaged. I knew that if I was careful and payed attention to my work I could accomplish the repair and not cause myself extra work.
If we will truly pay attention to the work of our marriage, even if the damage done is great, we can help our spouses remove the damaged parts without severing all that is still good. We can cut the roots (sin, bitterness, pain, etc) and the damaged pipes (certain areas of one's life) and keep the wires (the good that is untouched and undamaged).
Your spouse is not all bad. There is still good in them. Your marriage is not all bad. There is still good there. You may have to dig through some extremely large roots to find it but don't get rid of everything just because it looks beyond repair. You just might find something precious if you dig deep enough.
I finished the repair without breaking any wires and repairing the broken pipe. I did it right and it proved to be my most exhausting repair. However, doing things right is not always easy. Many times, the right things are the hardest things.
Josh and Serena
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
Wasting Grace
While reading status updates on Facebook we came across someone asking a question, and it got us to thinking. The person wanted to know if they should stop doing something that wasn't wrong, but their husband didn't like it. Oh, the comments were diverse, but the majority said it didn't matter what the husband thought--it wasn't a wrong thing to do. We do understand than a husband does not need to dictate every choice his wife makes, but I wonder why it's too hard just to lay our opinions aside for our spouse. There are going to be enough things our spouse will not like that we may even do unknowingly. Why waste it on something as trivial as what shoes you should wear with a particular outfit? This whole status update got us to thinking about the grace of God. I know, right? We can be so random. We often need God's grace but WHY do we insist on needing His grace for the things that we are already know?
Grace is like a running faucet with God, and though the water could continue running forever; we should still be using it wisely. We really do believe we can waste it if we are not careful. While God's grace will never run out, we should not try to use more than we need. And, since we know we will always need the grace of God why waste it on something that we already know would displease the Father.
When thinking about the Bible we know that Paul was very aware of God's grace. His name was originally Saul, and he persecuted the first Christians, putting them to death. But God saved Saul from his sins, changed his name to Paul, and set his life on a new path. Paul was appreciative that God applied His grace to him, giving him a major second chance; Paul was determined not to waste it. Paul knew of God's grace: the more sin that is present, the more grace that is needed to cover it.
But in Romans 6, Paul warns about abusing this grace. Just because we can freely apply God's grace to our lives, doesn't mean we should continue on with our lives in the same sinful manner. Paul instructs us to change our ways, so we don't end up wasting God's grace. His point is: if you know better, then you should live better, regardless of grace.
He goes on further to say that we died to our sinful nature. Once we become Christians, we allow our sin to die on the cross with Jesus, so that we may be alive with His resurrection. We are instructed to not allow that old sin back into our lives again, verse 12, "Therefore do not let sin reign in your mortal body so that you obey its evil desires." This instruction is given to us AFTER we have applied God's grace to our lives, not before it. It is a warning to live our lives, not to continually abuse the grace because it is there, but to, (verse 13) "offer the parts of your body to him as instruments of righteousness." The grace is not given so you may keep on sinning, the grace is given so that, (verse 14) "sin shall not be your master, because you are not under law, but under grace."
Grace is not given to us to just use whenever we need it; it's not meant to justify our sins and just cover them whenever needed. This is backwards. The grace is given so that the sinful nature may not be an excuse or to blame for living our lives against God's Word. By applying grace to our lives, (verse 22) "you have been set free from sin and have become slaves to God, the benefit you reap leads to holiness, and the result is eternal life."
The next time we are presented with the opportunity to sin, we are going to think about what we might be doing with God's grace. Should we deliberately continue to indulge in that sin? Are we abusing God's intended grace and becoming a slave to that sin and not God? We should not continue sinning, thinking we can simply apply God's grace. We need to remember that we are no longer a slave to sin but a slave to righteousness. While grace is free and unlimited, it is not a crutch to continually being an immature Christian. If we are living our lives and wasting grace, then we truly do not understand why God gave us His grace.
Josh and Serena
Grace is like a running faucet with God, and though the water could continue running forever; we should still be using it wisely. We really do believe we can waste it if we are not careful. While God's grace will never run out, we should not try to use more than we need. And, since we know we will always need the grace of God why waste it on something that we already know would displease the Father.
When thinking about the Bible we know that Paul was very aware of God's grace. His name was originally Saul, and he persecuted the first Christians, putting them to death. But God saved Saul from his sins, changed his name to Paul, and set his life on a new path. Paul was appreciative that God applied His grace to him, giving him a major second chance; Paul was determined not to waste it. Paul knew of God's grace: the more sin that is present, the more grace that is needed to cover it.
But in Romans 6, Paul warns about abusing this grace. Just because we can freely apply God's grace to our lives, doesn't mean we should continue on with our lives in the same sinful manner. Paul instructs us to change our ways, so we don't end up wasting God's grace. His point is: if you know better, then you should live better, regardless of grace.
He goes on further to say that we died to our sinful nature. Once we become Christians, we allow our sin to die on the cross with Jesus, so that we may be alive with His resurrection. We are instructed to not allow that old sin back into our lives again, verse 12, "Therefore do not let sin reign in your mortal body so that you obey its evil desires." This instruction is given to us AFTER we have applied God's grace to our lives, not before it. It is a warning to live our lives, not to continually abuse the grace because it is there, but to, (verse 13) "offer the parts of your body to him as instruments of righteousness." The grace is not given so you may keep on sinning, the grace is given so that, (verse 14) "sin shall not be your master, because you are not under law, but under grace."
Grace is not given to us to just use whenever we need it; it's not meant to justify our sins and just cover them whenever needed. This is backwards. The grace is given so that the sinful nature may not be an excuse or to blame for living our lives against God's Word. By applying grace to our lives, (verse 22) "you have been set free from sin and have become slaves to God, the benefit you reap leads to holiness, and the result is eternal life."
The next time we are presented with the opportunity to sin, we are going to think about what we might be doing with God's grace. Should we deliberately continue to indulge in that sin? Are we abusing God's intended grace and becoming a slave to that sin and not God? We should not continue sinning, thinking we can simply apply God's grace. We need to remember that we are no longer a slave to sin but a slave to righteousness. While grace is free and unlimited, it is not a crutch to continually being an immature Christian. If we are living our lives and wasting grace, then we truly do not understand why God gave us His grace.
Josh and Serena
Monday, September 19, 2011
Our Garden
Today we went out into our garden to harvest our crop of vegetables. The kids had a blast picking the vegetables. They were so impressed that we got 4 bowls full of carrots, peppers, a little corn, a few tomatoes, 4 (little) heads of cabbage, and onions. We, on the other hand, were a bit underwhelmed.
With the amount that we spent on the starter plants, we did not reap a very good return. With the amount of time that we spent caring for the garden, we reaped more than we deserved. We did a poor job watering regularly. We rarely would spend the time keeping the weeds out of it. No pruning took place. I'm sure that the birds took more than we harvested. We will admit that we are lazy gardeners.
Is this a picture of your marriage? Sure, you said the vows and have attempted to join together as one. But have you done the maintenance work? Have you spent time applying the Water of Life to your marriage? Have you got down on your knees to remove the weeds that would seek to choke out your fruit? Have you trimmed out the unnecessary and unwanted growths that would deplete your marriage of a bountiful harvest?
If not, the good news is that it's not too late. Unlike our pitiful garden, marriages are not based on four seasons of planting, growth, harvest, and rest. Marriages do have seasons but, fortunately, you can reap a harvest in one area while planting in another. You can rest in one while growing in another.
And unlike our garden, which is experiencing the end of a mediocre season of growth, your marriage is still primed and ready to be a success. Even if it seems like it is done and there is no hope for growth or success, it's not really over. If you are serious about doing the work, the rewards will come. If you will commit to getting your hands dirty, you can reap the fruit of your sweat and tears. It's never too late. Even if a divorce has occurred, it's still not too late. When God sees diligence on your part, He is willing to step in and do what only He can do...BRING LIFE!!
Thank God for His mercy that our marriage does not look like our garden. Our garden is an extra-curricular activity that we enjoy the idea of even if we don't enjoy the work. Our marriage, however, is where the Lord has planted us and we will work the soil of it until we die so that we can seek to reap a harvest glorifying to Him.
But, we are not safe or secure in where we are. If we become lax in our marital diligence, we will quickly find ourselves in a marriage that is dry and full of weeds. And that thought keeps us on our knees and our hands dirty with the work of marriage.
Josh and Serena
With the amount that we spent on the starter plants, we did not reap a very good return. With the amount of time that we spent caring for the garden, we reaped more than we deserved. We did a poor job watering regularly. We rarely would spend the time keeping the weeds out of it. No pruning took place. I'm sure that the birds took more than we harvested. We will admit that we are lazy gardeners.
Is this a picture of your marriage? Sure, you said the vows and have attempted to join together as one. But have you done the maintenance work? Have you spent time applying the Water of Life to your marriage? Have you got down on your knees to remove the weeds that would seek to choke out your fruit? Have you trimmed out the unnecessary and unwanted growths that would deplete your marriage of a bountiful harvest?
If not, the good news is that it's not too late. Unlike our pitiful garden, marriages are not based on four seasons of planting, growth, harvest, and rest. Marriages do have seasons but, fortunately, you can reap a harvest in one area while planting in another. You can rest in one while growing in another.
And unlike our garden, which is experiencing the end of a mediocre season of growth, your marriage is still primed and ready to be a success. Even if it seems like it is done and there is no hope for growth or success, it's not really over. If you are serious about doing the work, the rewards will come. If you will commit to getting your hands dirty, you can reap the fruit of your sweat and tears. It's never too late. Even if a divorce has occurred, it's still not too late. When God sees diligence on your part, He is willing to step in and do what only He can do...BRING LIFE!!
Thank God for His mercy that our marriage does not look like our garden. Our garden is an extra-curricular activity that we enjoy the idea of even if we don't enjoy the work. Our marriage, however, is where the Lord has planted us and we will work the soil of it until we die so that we can seek to reap a harvest glorifying to Him.
But, we are not safe or secure in where we are. If we become lax in our marital diligence, we will quickly find ourselves in a marriage that is dry and full of weeds. And that thought keeps us on our knees and our hands dirty with the work of marriage.
Josh and Serena
2011 Abdelaziz Garden
Sunday, September 18, 2011
Alzheimer's and Divorce
I'm sure by now you have heard of Brother Pat Robertson's extremely questionable stance regarding Alzheimer's and divorce. Not only did it cause a rustling within the Christian faith, it hit the mainstream media and has caused quite an uproar.
When we heard about what had been said and the stance that had been taken, we were heartbroken to say the least. That someone of such influence could openly pull down the sacredness of marriage causes our spirits to be grieved. It is hard enough to declare the awesomeness of God's most holy institution without people with our own faith undermining it. We were so taken aback that Josh immediately stopped writing the day's blog post and wrote the following to the Christian news agency that reported it to us:
When we heard about what had been said and the stance that had been taken, we were heartbroken to say the least. That someone of such influence could openly pull down the sacredness of marriage causes our spirits to be grieved. It is hard enough to declare the awesomeness of God's most holy institution without people with our own faith undermining it. We were so taken aback that Josh immediately stopped writing the day's blog post and wrote the following to the Christian news agency that reported it to us:
It is so sad to hear that someone that many in the Christian faith have looked up to for so long has chosen to take this position. And even more sad is the fact that by Brother Robertson’s position will give people one more reason to divorce their spouse. And once we begin to look for other reasons for divorce, other than what the Word of God allows for, any reason will do.
As a believer, I strive to follow the Word of God as it was meant to be interpreted. Even if it feels like I am experiencing more pain than is fair. But, the Christian faith has nothing to do with being fair. Christianity is about righteousness and holiness in the face of a culture that is rapidly decaying. Jesus dying on a cross was not fair but it is what was needed for our redemption.
Marriages today are under plenty of attack from the enemy of our souls without those within our own faith undermining its strength, as well. Too many Christians in our world today are busy looking for the loopholes within our faith to live the way they want instead of looking for the way that God intended for us to live. Divorce was given to us only in the case of infidelity. However, that exception was not the way that God intended for us to live. Divorce was given because of our own hard hearts, not because it was the way God meant for it to be.
Yes, Alzheimer’s is a terrible disease and the outcome of the sufferer is heart-breaking. And even though it may seem as “type of death” because the one you loved is gone, is not a reason to walk out on the one you committed your life to. What’s next? My spouse has dementia? My spouse has stage 4 cancer? My spouse has the flu? My spouse has allergies? Brother Robertson has placed the Christian faith in a very precarious position because he is so well known.
Our marriage to our spouse is meant to reflect the image of Christ and His bride, the church. Where would our faith be if the One that came to be our ransom decided to come down off of the cross before the price was paid because we were going to forsake and forget Him anyways? We would be eternally lost if our Savior chose to divorce His bride when she became ill. I am forever grateful that Jesus did not divorce us but would rather stay married to the backslider.
We need to return to the standards of how Christ intended for us to live instead of what is more convenient for us.
Josh
You see, people forget that marriage was meant to reflect the glory of the marriage and relationship between Christ and His church. This is a truth that we must come back to. We must come back to and hold up the standard of marriage for the world to see.
Friends, we are an endangered breed. There seem to be fewer and fewer of us in this day that are willing to go the distance for our spouses. It doesn't matter the whys...it could be adultery, complacency, or Alzheimer's...the marriage covenant is forever.
Josh and Serena
Saturday, September 17, 2011
Time
We know that many of our readers are dealing with a spouse that has left or are facing divorce very soon. You need to understand that standing for our marriages is not limited to time or seemingly inevitable circumstances.
We serve a God that is not limited to time and space but can move forward and back through every dimension as if they were all present at the same time. Time, space, future, and past are all currently available to God as areas in which He can move about in.
During our crisis period, Josh was out of the home for around 3 months. That was a part of OUR timeline. Don't get lost or confused if something doesn't happen in your situation within those parameters. To use our timeline as a basis for your stance will only cause frustration if it takes longer; pride if it happens in a shorter period.
And you can still stand if you do wind up divorced. In the eyes of God, the covenant remains the covenant regardless of our decisions around it. Our choices in a moment of weakness are not able to change the plans of God if we are willing to turn back to Him. We are not so great and mighty that our momentary existence will alter the plans of an eternal God.
To illustrate this point, we'll share with you about a couple we know of. To make a long story short, this couple had been divorced for 2 years. He was living with another woman but his wife would not stop praying for him and standing for their marriage. One day he stopped by to ask his then ex-wife to stop praying for him. She said no and he asked why. She believed in what God could do. That same day, on her lunch break, they got remarried. He called the other woman and told her he was not coming back again.
Your situation may not go according to the timeline that you think it should. However, when you serve a God that can do (and will do) impossibilities, time is not an obstacle or hindrance. You may have to stand longer than expected. You might have everything restored back to you in a lunch break. Don't weaken your stance by limiting it to a certain timeline.
Josh and Serena
We serve a God that is not limited to time and space but can move forward and back through every dimension as if they were all present at the same time. Time, space, future, and past are all currently available to God as areas in which He can move about in.
During our crisis period, Josh was out of the home for around 3 months. That was a part of OUR timeline. Don't get lost or confused if something doesn't happen in your situation within those parameters. To use our timeline as a basis for your stance will only cause frustration if it takes longer; pride if it happens in a shorter period.
And you can still stand if you do wind up divorced. In the eyes of God, the covenant remains the covenant regardless of our decisions around it. Our choices in a moment of weakness are not able to change the plans of God if we are willing to turn back to Him. We are not so great and mighty that our momentary existence will alter the plans of an eternal God.
To illustrate this point, we'll share with you about a couple we know of. To make a long story short, this couple had been divorced for 2 years. He was living with another woman but his wife would not stop praying for him and standing for their marriage. One day he stopped by to ask his then ex-wife to stop praying for him. She said no and he asked why. She believed in what God could do. That same day, on her lunch break, they got remarried. He called the other woman and told her he was not coming back again.
Your situation may not go according to the timeline that you think it should. However, when you serve a God that can do (and will do) impossibilities, time is not an obstacle or hindrance. You may have to stand longer than expected. You might have everything restored back to you in a lunch break. Don't weaken your stance by limiting it to a certain timeline.
Josh and Serena
Friday, September 16, 2011
Back to Basics Pt. 2
We forgot to mention something in yesterday's post about going back to the basics of standing for your marriage. It has to do with the actual how-to of standing. We have given lots of practical advice of things that you can do to stand but much of our advice is based around what we learned and common sense with a Christian bent.
There is not any one way to stand for your marriage. The path that the Holy Spirit led us on might look very much different than the one He is leading you on. With all of the different circumstances, personality types, and variables that make up your unique situation it would be foolish to think that there is some sort of 10-step program that will restore your marriage. Your unique marital crisis and situation requires an absolute creative God to speak into and breathe upon it. We cannot tell you what to do to cause restoration to happen, to bring your wayward spouse home, or to rebuild trust.
What we can tell you is this...listen to the voice of the Holy Spirit and then obey. We know, it's not ground-breaking or earth-shattering but it's the only advice that we can give with confidence that it will work. What He will tell you to do or say cannot and will not come from human wisdom and understanding. He might lead you down a very strange and, maybe, scary path but remember that He is leading you. He has not led you to where you are to leave you there. If He has lead you to it, He will lead you through it.
Recently, we received an email from a friend asking us what they should do in their situation. We could not give advice about what they should do; we shared what we did in a similar situation but did not recommend that they follow our path. We told them to ask the Holy Spirit what they should do. A few days ago we heard from them again sharing with us what they did. Their chosen response in the situation was very different from ours but clearly had the Holy Spirit's imprint upon it.
We might sound like a broken record with a lot of what we say. But, these things are based on who God is, what His Word says, and where His Spirit leads us. Apart from that, we don't have a whole lot worth listening to.
Listen to the Holy Spirit and then obey.
Josh and Serena
There is not any one way to stand for your marriage. The path that the Holy Spirit led us on might look very much different than the one He is leading you on. With all of the different circumstances, personality types, and variables that make up your unique situation it would be foolish to think that there is some sort of 10-step program that will restore your marriage. Your unique marital crisis and situation requires an absolute creative God to speak into and breathe upon it. We cannot tell you what to do to cause restoration to happen, to bring your wayward spouse home, or to rebuild trust.
What we can tell you is this...listen to the voice of the Holy Spirit and then obey. We know, it's not ground-breaking or earth-shattering but it's the only advice that we can give with confidence that it will work. What He will tell you to do or say cannot and will not come from human wisdom and understanding. He might lead you down a very strange and, maybe, scary path but remember that He is leading you. He has not led you to where you are to leave you there. If He has lead you to it, He will lead you through it.
Recently, we received an email from a friend asking us what they should do in their situation. We could not give advice about what they should do; we shared what we did in a similar situation but did not recommend that they follow our path. We told them to ask the Holy Spirit what they should do. A few days ago we heard from them again sharing with us what they did. Their chosen response in the situation was very different from ours but clearly had the Holy Spirit's imprint upon it.
We might sound like a broken record with a lot of what we say. But, these things are based on who God is, what His Word says, and where His Spirit leads us. Apart from that, we don't have a whole lot worth listening to.
Listen to the Holy Spirit and then obey.
Josh and Serena
Thursday, September 15, 2011
Back to Basics
Every so often we need to go back to the basics of what we believe...about standing for marriage...about divorce....about covenant. Sometimes its for us to keep us focused about what we write here, sometimes its to remind you about why you're reading, and sometimes its to let the new readers know about all of this.
Standing for your marriage is not simply saying, " I won't get a divorce." Neither is it idly sitting by and silently watching your spouse go down a path that will only bring destruction to their life. Standing for your marriage is firmly believing that God sides with the covenant and He is currently working out the restoration of your marriage.
Sometimes standing for your marriage is a joint effort; you AND your spouse both committing to being fully restored. However, much of the time it is not a joint effort. It is you....all by yourself. The number of people working toward your marital restoration does not matter, so long as it includes at least one of you. It does not take a husband and wife; it takes a husband OR a wife. Either one will do.
Remember, the tug-of-war analogy from a couple of days ago? It might just be you and God on your side. It may even appear that your spouse has sat this one out or has switched teams. That doesn't matter. It only takes one of you to side with God and stand for your marriage.
Standing for your marriage is a proactive response. Many times the enemy will try to make you feel like you are on the defense. But, the best defense is a great offense! This does not mean that you are vocal or pushy with your beliefs or standards. It simply means that you will not sit around and let the enemy come into your marriage and wreak havoc. It means that in good and bad times that you will press towards God and your spouse. You will NEVER rationalize that where you are is good enough. You will not be satisfied in where your relationship with your spouse was yesterday; you want to grow closer.
Standing for your marriage is all about seeking the face of God for the best in your marriage...not looking or asking for a DIFFERENT marriage. The one God wants you in is the one you are in!! Divorce, although allowed by God for infidelity but given because of the hardness of our hearts, is the enemy's way of short-changing us from God's best. Don't get cheated by the devil!
God's best was given in the form of the covenant and He ALWAYS sides with the covenant! In the forming of covenant, blood is shed and by that act all parties in the forming of the covenant are sealed in it. Only through death are the individuals released from the bonds of the covenant.
Josh and Serena
Standing for your marriage is not simply saying, " I won't get a divorce." Neither is it idly sitting by and silently watching your spouse go down a path that will only bring destruction to their life. Standing for your marriage is firmly believing that God sides with the covenant and He is currently working out the restoration of your marriage.
Sometimes standing for your marriage is a joint effort; you AND your spouse both committing to being fully restored. However, much of the time it is not a joint effort. It is you....all by yourself. The number of people working toward your marital restoration does not matter, so long as it includes at least one of you. It does not take a husband and wife; it takes a husband OR a wife. Either one will do.
Remember, the tug-of-war analogy from a couple of days ago? It might just be you and God on your side. It may even appear that your spouse has sat this one out or has switched teams. That doesn't matter. It only takes one of you to side with God and stand for your marriage.
Standing for your marriage is a proactive response. Many times the enemy will try to make you feel like you are on the defense. But, the best defense is a great offense! This does not mean that you are vocal or pushy with your beliefs or standards. It simply means that you will not sit around and let the enemy come into your marriage and wreak havoc. It means that in good and bad times that you will press towards God and your spouse. You will NEVER rationalize that where you are is good enough. You will not be satisfied in where your relationship with your spouse was yesterday; you want to grow closer.
Standing for your marriage is all about seeking the face of God for the best in your marriage...not looking or asking for a DIFFERENT marriage. The one God wants you in is the one you are in!! Divorce, although allowed by God for infidelity but given because of the hardness of our hearts, is the enemy's way of short-changing us from God's best. Don't get cheated by the devil!
God's best was given in the form of the covenant and He ALWAYS sides with the covenant! In the forming of covenant, blood is shed and by that act all parties in the forming of the covenant are sealed in it. Only through death are the individuals released from the bonds of the covenant.
Josh and Serena
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
What's Your Investment?
The following is one of our favorite stories because we feel that it shows a true picture of the investment we are making into our marriages. Are you investing the right amount? Or are you investing what others say that you should invest? Or do you invest according to God's promises of a spouse worth more than you can imagine? Read the story and decide for yourself.....
In the story, Johnny Lingo is a shrewd trader, said to be one of the richest men on his island. Lingo has come to one island to bargain for a wife. Mahana, the young woman he desires, is considered by her neighbors and even her father to be of little value, sullen, ugly and undesirable. As the bargaining is about to begin, women of the island brag to each other of how many cows their husbands had given for each of them, and comment that Mahana's father will be lucky to see one cow as Lingo's offer. The counselor advises Mahana's father to ask for three cows so that finally, Moki (Mahana's father) will at least get one cow.
The bargaining begins and as the counselor suggested Moke asked Johnny Lingo three cows. Islanders laugh derisively, then wait for Lingo to make his counter-offer, certain that he will make a devastating bargain.
Lingo, considering, says that three cows are many . . ."But not enough for my Mahana!" He then offers the unheard-of price of eight cows for her hand in marriage. The next day, the villagers gather at the house of Mahana's father to see the completion of the deal. Some of the islanders say that Lingo reconsidered his deal and would not show up. But Lingo brings the cows. He and Mahana then leave the island on a trading trip.
When they come back, the island storekeeper discovers, to his astonishment, that Mahana is a beautiful, happy woman. Even Mahana's father began accusing Johnny Lingo of cheating him by giving only eight cows for a girl truly worth ten cows. Johnny, her proud husband, had proved to her that her true worth had nothing to do with what others saw, but only what she truly was. He had made the best bargain of all -- a few cows for a life with the woman that he loved.
Think about it...what are you investing?
Josh and Serena
In the story, Johnny Lingo is a shrewd trader, said to be one of the richest men on his island. Lingo has come to one island to bargain for a wife. Mahana, the young woman he desires, is considered by her neighbors and even her father to be of little value, sullen, ugly and undesirable. As the bargaining is about to begin, women of the island brag to each other of how many cows their husbands had given for each of them, and comment that Mahana's father will be lucky to see one cow as Lingo's offer. The counselor advises Mahana's father to ask for three cows so that finally, Moki (Mahana's father) will at least get one cow.
The bargaining begins and as the counselor suggested Moke asked Johnny Lingo three cows. Islanders laugh derisively, then wait for Lingo to make his counter-offer, certain that he will make a devastating bargain.
Lingo, considering, says that three cows are many . . ."But not enough for my Mahana!" He then offers the unheard-of price of eight cows for her hand in marriage. The next day, the villagers gather at the house of Mahana's father to see the completion of the deal. Some of the islanders say that Lingo reconsidered his deal and would not show up. But Lingo brings the cows. He and Mahana then leave the island on a trading trip.
When they come back, the island storekeeper discovers, to his astonishment, that Mahana is a beautiful, happy woman. Even Mahana's father began accusing Johnny Lingo of cheating him by giving only eight cows for a girl truly worth ten cows. Johnny, her proud husband, had proved to her that her true worth had nothing to do with what others saw, but only what she truly was. He had made the best bargain of all -- a few cows for a life with the woman that he loved.
Think about it...what are you investing?
Josh and Serena
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
Tug-of-War
Do you remember when you were a kid and played tug-of-war? You never wanted to wind up on the team that had to face off against that one REALLY big kid. If you did end up being on the "they're obviously going to lose" team, you at least tried to get positioned towards the back so that you wouldn't be the first one to be pulled across the line.
The way we see it, there are two key positions when getting involved in a tug-of-war. The first key position is the very front of the line. If you wind up there, everyone looks to you when you lose because you crossed the line first. The second key position is the anchor. This person is that REALLY big kid that you would put at the very end in hopes that he would not be moved. Both positions are vital to winning but you can't play both at the same time.
This is where you are; this is where we are in our marriages. We are striving for the health and success of our marriage against the enemy of our souls. He is attempting to pull us over the line and cause us to fail in our marriage. And we (you and I) are the ones that are at the front of this battle. If we fail everyone looks to us as if we didn't try hard enough or hold up our end of the marriage. That may be the case but not always. Either way, we are the ones seen as a failure.
However, we forget to look at the back end of this tug-of-war. We didn't get picked to be on the team with the REALLY big kid. We were asked to be on the team of the BIGGEST God. He is the One holding down the anchor position. And He DOES NOT MOVE!!! Trying to make God budge from His position would be like you and I playing tug-of-war with a 150 year oak tree. It's not gonna move!!
If God Almighty is on our side, who can be against us? (Romans 8:31) But we don't let Him be the anchor. We are fighting with all of our own (puny) might to hold this whole thing together. When in reality all we have to do is hold on to the rope and let the REALLY big God do the work. He won't let you fall in or cross that line if you are allowing Him to anchor your position. God is on the side of covenant, and He will not budge. You might feel as though you are staring down the mouth of failure but just lean back into the anchor. He's not going to move on you. And the enemy CANNOT budge Him!
So, hold on. Don't hold on thinking that YOU are somehow keeping your team from losing. You're not. Hold on because God Almighty, the King of Glory, is about to secure the total victory. And if you are holding the rope with Him, you share in the victory. You will only lose if you let go and quit.
Josh and Serena
The way we see it, there are two key positions when getting involved in a tug-of-war. The first key position is the very front of the line. If you wind up there, everyone looks to you when you lose because you crossed the line first. The second key position is the anchor. This person is that REALLY big kid that you would put at the very end in hopes that he would not be moved. Both positions are vital to winning but you can't play both at the same time.
This is where you are; this is where we are in our marriages. We are striving for the health and success of our marriage against the enemy of our souls. He is attempting to pull us over the line and cause us to fail in our marriage. And we (you and I) are the ones that are at the front of this battle. If we fail everyone looks to us as if we didn't try hard enough or hold up our end of the marriage. That may be the case but not always. Either way, we are the ones seen as a failure.
However, we forget to look at the back end of this tug-of-war. We didn't get picked to be on the team with the REALLY big kid. We were asked to be on the team of the BIGGEST God. He is the One holding down the anchor position. And He DOES NOT MOVE!!! Trying to make God budge from His position would be like you and I playing tug-of-war with a 150 year oak tree. It's not gonna move!!
If God Almighty is on our side, who can be against us? (Romans 8:31) But we don't let Him be the anchor. We are fighting with all of our own (puny) might to hold this whole thing together. When in reality all we have to do is hold on to the rope and let the REALLY big God do the work. He won't let you fall in or cross that line if you are allowing Him to anchor your position. God is on the side of covenant, and He will not budge. You might feel as though you are staring down the mouth of failure but just lean back into the anchor. He's not going to move on you. And the enemy CANNOT budge Him!
So, hold on. Don't hold on thinking that YOU are somehow keeping your team from losing. You're not. Hold on because God Almighty, the King of Glory, is about to secure the total victory. And if you are holding the rope with Him, you share in the victory. You will only lose if you let go and quit.
Josh and Serena
Monday, September 12, 2011
Power of Music
Whenever the spirit from God came upon Saul, David would take his harp and play. Then relief would come to Saul; he would feel better, and the evil spirit would leave him. I Samuel 16:23
Do you wonder why we post music? Sometimes the power of music goes unrecognized. Without a doubt there have been moments where I felt something powerful while listening to music. In this verse, we learn that music can deny evil spirits access to the listener. David was anointed, and his music was filled with the Spirit. Evil spirits did not find comfort while David was playing, so we recognize that it has great power in driving out evil spirits. But that's not all.....
God chose to enter the temple and fill it with the His glory with musical cues: 2 Chronicles 5:11-7:6, Ps. 68:24-25. Now, the way we see it...this is BIG. This GLORY is what drives out those evil spirits. When David would play the harp for Saul, God's glory entered the room, and there was no room for the evil spirit to remain. The spirit had to flee. When you are feeling attacked turn on some anointed music, and the spirits must go. Try it!
In 2 Chronicles 20:14-28 we read about Judah, under king Jehoshaphat, was being threatened by a hopelessly large group of surrounding countries. He really was at a loss in what to do. Under the prophetic advice of one of the Levitical temple musicians, the king sent the choir and orchestra out in front of the army. Does this sound right? Send musicians out FIRST? This is a strategic move that might be questioned by MOST any experienced or maybe ANY Army General. At the very moment they began to sing, "Give thanks to Yahweh, for His loving kindness is everlasting," through the power of music and God's hand in action the armies began to attack each other; they turned on themselves!! They destroyed each other until not a soldier was left of Judah's enemy. The armies of God did not even have to go out in battle; the MUSIC fought the battle. The use of praise music to seek God's deliverance from distress is a good thing, and it works. We should use it more often.
Psalm 69:29-36
And in Psalm 32:7 we read that God protects us by surrounding us with "songs of deliverance." Psalm 40:1-3 informs us that music that focuses the mind on the goodness and greatness of God can have the effect of instilling the fear of God in the listener. There is a definite link between music and the fear of God. I (Serena) believe this was the main reason Josh was unable to play music while he was away. The only music Josh was able to play was Christian, and that meant there was POWER associated with it. In fact, thinking back, I believe this was why when I bought him a CD for his 30th birthday he was only able to listen to a portion of it. He bought music, but it wasn't feeding the God part of his heart. The power in the music and the fear of God made it impossible for him to listen and continue rejecting God. By listening to anointed music his spirit was connecting with the music. He was unable to listen and remain in sin. So, he chose not to listen to that music. Pray that your spouse will somehow be put in a position that music penetrates their spirits. If your spouse is at home, but you feel things are just not right.....have anointed music playing throughout the day.
When you are weary use music as a form of prayer. Psalm 42:8 tells us that music can be a form of prayer.
In Acts 16:23-26 we find that vocal music can release the power of God on our circumstances. Hymns are a great way to release this power. Devotional songs of thanksgiving. To decide that hymns are outdated and stuffy and no longer relevant to our "needs" is a shortsighted error. I (Serena) don't know a lot of hymns but would not make the mistake of saying they are irrelevant. Grab a hymn book and READ how relevant they really are. Power, Power, Power!
Ephesians 5:15-19
It's interesting that Paul referred to making music in our "hearts," not "mouths" or even "minds." He knew that music proceeds from the spirit, and has spiritual effects. Music comes from the spirit even as prayer does, this is why music can most definitely be a form of prayer. Use it! This is why some music has more HEART than others; your spirit can sense the anointing. This is not music made merely in our minds.
1 Corinthians 14:26 puts music in the same category as with preaching, prophecy, and interpretation of tongues in relation to the edification of the church. What then shall we say, brothers? When you come together, everyone has a hymn, or a word of instruction, a revelation, a tongue or an interpretation. All of these must be done for the strengthening of the church.
Our world may seem to have changed from "Bible Times," but we are under attack the same way. The enemy is out there to destroy--most of the time you can feel it on a daily basis. Music can help us fight back during those attacks. And we (pesronally speaking) do our best NOT to waste our time listening to music that is NOT bringing glory to God, because it is empty and powerless. And we would even dare to say some can give power to the very enemy you are trying to defeat. Music is more than just sounds; it's powerful. It is a weapon for battle to destroy the enemy. Satan would like to take it and use it to his benefit. We believe all music in varying degrees, can provide or deny good or evil spirits access to our spirits, to help or harm us, to strengthen or weaken us. Therefore, let us be careful what kinds of music we choose to make and receive, both in our daily lives and in corporate worship.
Josh and Serena
Do you wonder why we post music? Sometimes the power of music goes unrecognized. Without a doubt there have been moments where I felt something powerful while listening to music. In this verse, we learn that music can deny evil spirits access to the listener. David was anointed, and his music was filled with the Spirit. Evil spirits did not find comfort while David was playing, so we recognize that it has great power in driving out evil spirits. But that's not all.....
God chose to enter the temple and fill it with the His glory with musical cues: 2 Chronicles 5:11-7:6, Ps. 68:24-25. Now, the way we see it...this is BIG. This GLORY is what drives out those evil spirits. When David would play the harp for Saul, God's glory entered the room, and there was no room for the evil spirit to remain. The spirit had to flee. When you are feeling attacked turn on some anointed music, and the spirits must go. Try it!
In 2 Chronicles 20:14-28 we read about Judah, under king Jehoshaphat, was being threatened by a hopelessly large group of surrounding countries. He really was at a loss in what to do. Under the prophetic advice of one of the Levitical temple musicians, the king sent the choir and orchestra out in front of the army. Does this sound right? Send musicians out FIRST? This is a strategic move that might be questioned by MOST any experienced or maybe ANY Army General. At the very moment they began to sing, "Give thanks to Yahweh, for His loving kindness is everlasting," through the power of music and God's hand in action the armies began to attack each other; they turned on themselves!! They destroyed each other until not a soldier was left of Judah's enemy. The armies of God did not even have to go out in battle; the MUSIC fought the battle. The use of praise music to seek God's deliverance from distress is a good thing, and it works. We should use it more often.
Psalm 69:29-36
29 But as for me, afflicted and in pain—
may your salvation, God, protect me.
may your salvation, God, protect me.
30 I will praise God’s name in song
and glorify him with thanksgiving.
31 This will please the LORD more than an ox,
more than a bull with its horns and hooves.
32 The poor will see and be glad—
you who seek God, may your hearts live!
33 The LORD hears the needy
and does not despise his captive people.
34 Let heaven and earth praise him,
the seas and all that move in them,
35 for God will save Zion
and rebuild the cities of Judah.
Then people will settle there and possess it;
36 the children of his servants will inherit it,
and those who love his name will dwell there.
and glorify him with thanksgiving.
31 This will please the LORD more than an ox,
more than a bull with its horns and hooves.
32 The poor will see and be glad—
you who seek God, may your hearts live!
33 The LORD hears the needy
and does not despise his captive people.
34 Let heaven and earth praise him,
the seas and all that move in them,
35 for God will save Zion
and rebuild the cities of Judah.
Then people will settle there and possess it;
36 the children of his servants will inherit it,
and those who love his name will dwell there.
And in Psalm 32:7 we read that God protects us by surrounding us with "songs of deliverance." Psalm 40:1-3 informs us that music that focuses the mind on the goodness and greatness of God can have the effect of instilling the fear of God in the listener. There is a definite link between music and the fear of God. I (Serena) believe this was the main reason Josh was unable to play music while he was away. The only music Josh was able to play was Christian, and that meant there was POWER associated with it. In fact, thinking back, I believe this was why when I bought him a CD for his 30th birthday he was only able to listen to a portion of it. He bought music, but it wasn't feeding the God part of his heart. The power in the music and the fear of God made it impossible for him to listen and continue rejecting God. By listening to anointed music his spirit was connecting with the music. He was unable to listen and remain in sin. So, he chose not to listen to that music. Pray that your spouse will somehow be put in a position that music penetrates their spirits. If your spouse is at home, but you feel things are just not right.....have anointed music playing throughout the day.
When you are weary use music as a form of prayer. Psalm 42:8 tells us that music can be a form of prayer.
In Acts 16:23-26 we find that vocal music can release the power of God on our circumstances. Hymns are a great way to release this power. Devotional songs of thanksgiving. To decide that hymns are outdated and stuffy and no longer relevant to our "needs" is a shortsighted error. I (Serena) don't know a lot of hymns but would not make the mistake of saying they are irrelevant. Grab a hymn book and READ how relevant they really are. Power, Power, Power!
Ephesians 5:15-19
Be very careful, then, how you live—not as unwise but as wise, making the most of every opportunity, because the days are evil. Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the Lord’s will is. Do not get drunk on wine, which leads to debauchery. Instead, be filled with the Spirit, speaking to one another with psalms, hymns, and songs from the Spirit. Sing and make music from your heart to the Lord,
It's interesting that Paul referred to making music in our "hearts," not "mouths" or even "minds." He knew that music proceeds from the spirit, and has spiritual effects. Music comes from the spirit even as prayer does, this is why music can most definitely be a form of prayer. Use it! This is why some music has more HEART than others; your spirit can sense the anointing. This is not music made merely in our minds.
1 Corinthians 14:26 puts music in the same category as with preaching, prophecy, and interpretation of tongues in relation to the edification of the church. What then shall we say, brothers? When you come together, everyone has a hymn, or a word of instruction, a revelation, a tongue or an interpretation. All of these must be done for the strengthening of the church.
Our world may seem to have changed from "Bible Times," but we are under attack the same way. The enemy is out there to destroy--most of the time you can feel it on a daily basis. Music can help us fight back during those attacks. And we (pesronally speaking) do our best NOT to waste our time listening to music that is NOT bringing glory to God, because it is empty and powerless. And we would even dare to say some can give power to the very enemy you are trying to defeat. Music is more than just sounds; it's powerful. It is a weapon for battle to destroy the enemy. Satan would like to take it and use it to his benefit. We believe all music in varying degrees, can provide or deny good or evil spirits access to our spirits, to help or harm us, to strengthen or weaken us. Therefore, let us be careful what kinds of music we choose to make and receive, both in our daily lives and in corporate worship.
Josh and Serena
Sunday, September 11, 2011
Saturday, September 10, 2011
More Recall
Gideon said to God, 'If you will save Israel by my hand as you have promised- look, I will place a wool fleece on the threshing floor. If there is dew only on the fleece and all the ground is dry, then I will know that you will save Israel by my hand, as you said.' And that is what happened. Gideon rose early the next day; he squeezed the fleece and wrung out the dew-a bowlful of water. Then Gideon said to God, 'Do not be angry with me. Let me make just one more request. Allow me one more test with the fleece. This time make the fleece dry and the ground covered with dew.' That night God did so. Only the fleece was dry; all the ground was covered with dew." Judges 6:36-40
Laying out the fleece...visual reminders...that's what we were talking about yesterday. By now I am sure you have already been thinking of things. Most of us have probably done this anyway at one time or another. We have all asked for signs and confirmations that our prayers have been heard. Doesn't it feel amazing when those signs appear - when we see that Covenant Transport truck, or get that rhema word, or God sends us a messenger with good news. God does make His covenant known to us. We must ask Him. How great is our faith when the fleece is wet and the ground is dry!
For some of you, there has been an absence of signs. Circumstances remain the same day after day and there has been no change one way or the other for a very long time. Yet still we have faith because we know that we know that we know what God has promised us. And we can continue to stand and continue to walk because we know Who it is that walks beside us. Yes, we still have faith, even when the fleece is dry. Why is the fleece dry when we wish it were wet...we wish we knew! But that is where faith is key.
A deeper level of faith is part of this journey. This is the faith that looks at the impossible circumstances in our lives through the promises of God. This is where you pull out your Bible and find those promises and just hold on tightly. This is the faith that stands against the giant and swings the sling. This is the faith that looks at that Jericho Wall and shouts it down. This is the faith that parts the Red Sea and stops up the waters of the Jordan so that we can cross on dry land. This is the faith that brings a husband home that said he was done. This is the faith that shuts the mouths of hungry lions. All reasoning says it's not going to happen. Friends say it's not worth it. Family says you have tried hard enough. THIS is DEEPER FAITH....
God has given us authority over the enemies in our lives. We need to dig down deep and find this kind of strength when our faith is wavering and our hope is gone. We need to go deeper into God's Word and stand more firmly on His strength than we ever have before. We need to see with the eyes of our heart. We need to keep our eyes focused on Jesus and off the circumstances around us. We need to walk by faith and not by sight.
One story that our family definitely likes is one found in Judges 4. The faith of Deborah and the action of Jael--women obedient despite the circumstances. The Israelites had failed to drive the Canaanites out of the land; Jabin and his commander, Sisera were oppressing them. They had 900 chariots and Israel could have no hope of defeating an army with this kind of power. Yet Deborah stepped in as a leader for Israel, to stand in the gap for them, and she prayed to God for her people. When the time came Jael was also obedient; she stepped in and did what needed to be done. Read the story...it's incredibly heroic. Both of these women knew what it was to step up and be obedient, even at the cost of being rejected.
Women, during this time, were NOT commonly in a place of authority or of war. Deborah experienced success because she refused to look at the circumstances around her. She found that faith that lives deep in our hearts; the faith that believes even when it seems impossible; the faith that perseveres despite overwhelming odds. Deborah's faith and obedience made a difference in Israel's history. When Deborah walked by that belief deep in her heart, her nation was freed from oppression.
Your faith and your prayer can make a difference for your family. Who knows what changes this kind of faith can bring? Be a Deborah - stand up and fight for your family. Be Jael and drive a tent stake in the enemies head. Don't think about who might be watching or who might think you are wrong. The Holy Spirit works through a willing vessel, and He can walk with us through all of it. Allow Him to use whatever is necessary to drive the enemy OUT. A deeper faith, despite the circumstances, is necessary during marriage. The harder the journey, the deeper your faith.
Josh and Serena
Laying out the fleece...visual reminders...that's what we were talking about yesterday. By now I am sure you have already been thinking of things. Most of us have probably done this anyway at one time or another. We have all asked for signs and confirmations that our prayers have been heard. Doesn't it feel amazing when those signs appear - when we see that Covenant Transport truck, or get that rhema word, or God sends us a messenger with good news. God does make His covenant known to us. We must ask Him. How great is our faith when the fleece is wet and the ground is dry!
For some of you, there has been an absence of signs. Circumstances remain the same day after day and there has been no change one way or the other for a very long time. Yet still we have faith because we know that we know that we know what God has promised us. And we can continue to stand and continue to walk because we know Who it is that walks beside us. Yes, we still have faith, even when the fleece is dry. Why is the fleece dry when we wish it were wet...we wish we knew! But that is where faith is key.
A deeper level of faith is part of this journey. This is the faith that looks at the impossible circumstances in our lives through the promises of God. This is where you pull out your Bible and find those promises and just hold on tightly. This is the faith that stands against the giant and swings the sling. This is the faith that looks at that Jericho Wall and shouts it down. This is the faith that parts the Red Sea and stops up the waters of the Jordan so that we can cross on dry land. This is the faith that brings a husband home that said he was done. This is the faith that shuts the mouths of hungry lions. All reasoning says it's not going to happen. Friends say it's not worth it. Family says you have tried hard enough. THIS is DEEPER FAITH....
God has given us authority over the enemies in our lives. We need to dig down deep and find this kind of strength when our faith is wavering and our hope is gone. We need to go deeper into God's Word and stand more firmly on His strength than we ever have before. We need to see with the eyes of our heart. We need to keep our eyes focused on Jesus and off the circumstances around us. We need to walk by faith and not by sight.
One story that our family definitely likes is one found in Judges 4. The faith of Deborah and the action of Jael--women obedient despite the circumstances. The Israelites had failed to drive the Canaanites out of the land; Jabin and his commander, Sisera were oppressing them. They had 900 chariots and Israel could have no hope of defeating an army with this kind of power. Yet Deborah stepped in as a leader for Israel, to stand in the gap for them, and she prayed to God for her people. When the time came Jael was also obedient; she stepped in and did what needed to be done. Read the story...it's incredibly heroic. Both of these women knew what it was to step up and be obedient, even at the cost of being rejected.
Women, during this time, were NOT commonly in a place of authority or of war. Deborah experienced success because she refused to look at the circumstances around her. She found that faith that lives deep in our hearts; the faith that believes even when it seems impossible; the faith that perseveres despite overwhelming odds. Deborah's faith and obedience made a difference in Israel's history. When Deborah walked by that belief deep in her heart, her nation was freed from oppression.
Your faith and your prayer can make a difference for your family. Who knows what changes this kind of faith can bring? Be a Deborah - stand up and fight for your family. Be Jael and drive a tent stake in the enemies head. Don't think about who might be watching or who might think you are wrong. The Holy Spirit works through a willing vessel, and He can walk with us through all of it. Allow Him to use whatever is necessary to drive the enemy OUT. A deeper faith, despite the circumstances, is necessary during marriage. The harder the journey, the deeper your faith.
Josh and Serena
Friday, September 9, 2011
Is It Fuzzy?
Since the school year has started a lot of the household is deep into recalling what they have learned. The question is: Why do we forget? No, really, why? Numerous studies over the past few years have shown that our brains have the ability to store massive amounts of information, including precise details and information. So, why do we not remember what we have learned? We are not scientists--by no stretch of the imagination--so answering this is not in our area of expertise. BUT we do have theories....
If our brains can hold lots of information, what is the problem? Is it recall problems? Okay, yes, this is what we think it is...RECALL!!! How do we get the information to be recalled when we need it?
Seeing as we talk about marriage so often around here we were thinking maybe one of the best ways for you to recall what you have been taught is to ask God for a reminder to help you recall the information that you know is right. I (Serena) had those days where I was so tired, but I needed a reminder that what I was doing was right. Pulling out the index cards of Scriptures I had filed about marriage and divorce were always extremely encouraging, but sometimes I just wanted more! I would find myself praying and asking God for that little bit of encouragement, and He always provided.
Because of blogs and things I read during Josh's absence I found that the word covenant always gave me a visual reminder of what God was doing. OR when someone would say the word prodigal...oh, man, that was always the most encouraging thing when a pastor would start praying for prodigals to come home!! I knew it was for me!! Ask God for a visual reminder--a recall--of what He has promised. He will do it. Open your Bible and just start reading God will reveal to you a rhema word in regards to your marriage if you are asking Him. A friend might call and encourage you--these can all be helpful things for recall.
Let's not forget what we have learned.....
The Bible makes it clear that God hates divorce (Malachi 2:16) and that reconciliation and forgiveness should be the marks of a believer's life (Luke 11:4; Ephesians 4:32).
Josh and Serena
If our brains can hold lots of information, what is the problem? Is it recall problems? Okay, yes, this is what we think it is...RECALL!!! How do we get the information to be recalled when we need it?
Seeing as we talk about marriage so often around here we were thinking maybe one of the best ways for you to recall what you have been taught is to ask God for a reminder to help you recall the information that you know is right. I (Serena) had those days where I was so tired, but I needed a reminder that what I was doing was right. Pulling out the index cards of Scriptures I had filed about marriage and divorce were always extremely encouraging, but sometimes I just wanted more! I would find myself praying and asking God for that little bit of encouragement, and He always provided.
Because of blogs and things I read during Josh's absence I found that the word covenant always gave me a visual reminder of what God was doing. OR when someone would say the word prodigal...oh, man, that was always the most encouraging thing when a pastor would start praying for prodigals to come home!! I knew it was for me!! Ask God for a visual reminder--a recall--of what He has promised. He will do it. Open your Bible and just start reading God will reveal to you a rhema word in regards to your marriage if you are asking Him. A friend might call and encourage you--these can all be helpful things for recall.
Let's not forget what we have learned.....
The Bible makes it clear that God hates divorce (Malachi 2:16) and that reconciliation and forgiveness should be the marks of a believer's life (Luke 11:4; Ephesians 4:32).
Josh and Serena
These trucks STILL make me think of standing for marriage.
Thursday, September 8, 2011
Fog
A few years ago we were asked to help move some close friends across the state. We loaded our truck and trailer with their stuff and headed out early the next day. The stretch of road that we had to drive was a dangerous stretch on its own without the addition of heavy fog. This was no ordinary heavy fog. This was the kind of fog that didn't allow you to see past the hood of your vehicle. And we had almost 60 miles of this!!
As Josh drove (slowly and carefully) there were some that passed him in this blinding fog. Josh had driven this road many times but still was very unsure of the road. He kept his eyes on the painted lines that delineated the lanes and the shoulder. We eventually made it through the fog to clear driving. It took us more time but we arrived safe.
How often are we trying to race to the end of our journey? How often do we lose sight of the roadway due to obstacle, people, or situations? What in our lives could we consider a blinding fog that inhibits our vision and threatens our life if we were to misstep? Fortunately for us, God knows this and has made provision for us. But, we have to know where to look.
We need to look into His Word. Not only crack open our Bibles but read....DEEPLY....and allow the light of the Holy Scriptures to illuminate our lives. His Word has the answer to everything we could ever face.
However, our problem comes because His Word doesn't give us all the answers or all the directions or all the steps UP FRONT!! This can be huge problem! It would be much easier for us to have all the steps lined out for us to see and know where they were.
But, what would we do is we could see all the steps? What would you have to say to God if you saw this marital crisis/ affair/ prodigal spouse/ the world is falling apart around you from the beginning. I have a feeling that all of us would have some very serious words for Him expressing our extreme disapproval. We would veto all the steps that were dangerous or questionable and replace them with ones that made us feel better.
If that is what God wanted us to experience...a life of ease without complete trust in Him...He would have made our steps like that and then show them to us for us to approve.
But, that's not what God wanted. He wants us to trust Him and His Word. His Word promises to illuminate the step that we are on. Not the next 50 steps; not even the very next one. Just the one that we are on. Not that His Word cannot illuminate all of them; it can. But, if He let all that light shine in an instant, we would not learn to trust Him.
And that is where He wants us.
We're not saying that He laid out this step for you. This step your on...that we're on, too...could be the result of sin, our own wills, disobedience, or something else entirely. But, His Word has the power to light it up so that you can make the proper decisions while on this step regardless of why you are here.
And that is what He wants from us.
Josh and Serena
As Josh drove (slowly and carefully) there were some that passed him in this blinding fog. Josh had driven this road many times but still was very unsure of the road. He kept his eyes on the painted lines that delineated the lanes and the shoulder. We eventually made it through the fog to clear driving. It took us more time but we arrived safe.
Psalms 119:105
Thy word is a lamp unto my feet, and a light unto my path.
How often are we trying to race to the end of our journey? How often do we lose sight of the roadway due to obstacle, people, or situations? What in our lives could we consider a blinding fog that inhibits our vision and threatens our life if we were to misstep? Fortunately for us, God knows this and has made provision for us. But, we have to know where to look.
We need to look into His Word. Not only crack open our Bibles but read....DEEPLY....and allow the light of the Holy Scriptures to illuminate our lives. His Word has the answer to everything we could ever face.
However, our problem comes because His Word doesn't give us all the answers or all the directions or all the steps UP FRONT!! This can be huge problem! It would be much easier for us to have all the steps lined out for us to see and know where they were.
But, what would we do is we could see all the steps? What would you have to say to God if you saw this marital crisis/ affair/ prodigal spouse/ the world is falling apart around you from the beginning. I have a feeling that all of us would have some very serious words for Him expressing our extreme disapproval. We would veto all the steps that were dangerous or questionable and replace them with ones that made us feel better.
If that is what God wanted us to experience...a life of ease without complete trust in Him...He would have made our steps like that and then show them to us for us to approve.
But, that's not what God wanted. He wants us to trust Him and His Word. His Word promises to illuminate the step that we are on. Not the next 50 steps; not even the very next one. Just the one that we are on. Not that His Word cannot illuminate all of them; it can. But, if He let all that light shine in an instant, we would not learn to trust Him.
And that is where He wants us.
We're not saying that He laid out this step for you. This step your on...that we're on, too...could be the result of sin, our own wills, disobedience, or something else entirely. But, His Word has the power to light it up so that you can make the proper decisions while on this step regardless of why you are here.
And that is what He wants from us.
Josh and Serena
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
Snooze Button
So, the other night I decided I need to get up a little bit earlier before work so that I can work on a book I am writing (that is almost done). I've been trying to finish it for a while. Even last week I was attempting to make some extra time in the mornings to work on it. I can't do it on my own so I threw up a little prayer that went, "God, help me get up to finish this book You have given me." I set my alarm and was mentally ready. At 5:29 AM I woke up with a huge urge to pee. Then, as I was sitting on the edge of the bed to get up, the alarm went off at 5:30!! It was SO God saying, "Yes, I'll help you."
I got up and relieved myself and crawled back into bed!! I have felt bad about it all day!
I don't feel bad because I disobeyed Him; I didn't. I feel bad because I asked for help, got it, and then did the opposite. I feel as though I pushed God away when I first asked Him to be closer. I feel ashamed because I missed His will for that morning.
How often do we do this in our lives, marriages, or crisis moments? We ask, beg maybe, God for help and then when it comes we discard it and push away His hand like it was worthless. What we are asking for is not even out of alignment with His will. In fact, it is directly in line with His will because He confirms it with His readiness to answer our request. It's not that we don't want His help but it seems like when the help comes it is more than we bargained for. When God comes through for His child....I tell ya'....He REALLY comes through!!
Either we need to be more careful about what we ask Him for OR we need to hold up our end when He holds up His. If we ask God to bring our spouse home, let's not complain or make it hell for them when it makes us work harder than we thought. If we ask God to heal our marriage, understand He has to cut out the cancer before the healing can truly begin.
And do we really want to miss His will at any moment? When we actually learn how precious His will and what (some of) His plans are for us are, we can make the sacrifice to be in it. It's not really even a sacrifice at that point. A sacrifice is that which we give that cost us something. My will and comfort is nothing and worthless compared to His.
When we ask for things that are in line with His purposes, He will answer...and in record time!! Just make sure that we break off the snooze button before His answer comes!
Josh
(And, by the way, if He is merciful to wake me again....you'd better believe I am dragging my lazy butt out of bed!! I don't want to miss His will for me in the morning again!)
I got up and relieved myself and crawled back into bed!! I have felt bad about it all day!
I don't feel bad because I disobeyed Him; I didn't. I feel bad because I asked for help, got it, and then did the opposite. I feel as though I pushed God away when I first asked Him to be closer. I feel ashamed because I missed His will for that morning.
How often do we do this in our lives, marriages, or crisis moments? We ask, beg maybe, God for help and then when it comes we discard it and push away His hand like it was worthless. What we are asking for is not even out of alignment with His will. In fact, it is directly in line with His will because He confirms it with His readiness to answer our request. It's not that we don't want His help but it seems like when the help comes it is more than we bargained for. When God comes through for His child....I tell ya'....He REALLY comes through!!
Either we need to be more careful about what we ask Him for OR we need to hold up our end when He holds up His. If we ask God to bring our spouse home, let's not complain or make it hell for them when it makes us work harder than we thought. If we ask God to heal our marriage, understand He has to cut out the cancer before the healing can truly begin.
And do we really want to miss His will at any moment? When we actually learn how precious His will and what (some of) His plans are for us are, we can make the sacrifice to be in it. It's not really even a sacrifice at that point. A sacrifice is that which we give that cost us something. My will and comfort is nothing and worthless compared to His.
When we ask for things that are in line with His purposes, He will answer...and in record time!! Just make sure that we break off the snooze button before His answer comes!
Josh
(And, by the way, if He is merciful to wake me again....you'd better believe I am dragging my lazy butt out of bed!! I don't want to miss His will for me in the morning again!)
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)