How do you and your spouse fight? Do you fight fair? Or do you hit below the belt? Do you bring up past offenses and instances of when you were wronged? We would venture to say that all of us, at one time or another, have said something or done something in the heat of the moment that we regret. We have; we try not to but we do from time to time.
What we don't realize most of the time is that when we fight unfairly with our spouse we are doing damage to ourselves, not just our spouse. If you say whatever you must in order to "win" the argument, you have actually lost it. You don't win when you "win"; you lose when you "win" the fight.
It is inevitable for us to have arguments, disagreements, and fights with our spouses. We're not going to avoid them no matter how many marriage conferences we attend, workshops we learn from, or blogs we read. Two distinctly different people will eventually not see eye to eye on some matter and will wind up in some sort of argument. It is bound to happen. But, we can learn how to come out ahead after it is over and actually find a "win win" solution.
In order to understand how to reach a "win win", we have to come to the understanding that you and your spouse are no longer two, but one, flesh. When you argue and fight with your spouse, you are not fighting with someone else; you are fighting with yourself. The same thing occurs when you are faced with a decision that you must make on your own. No spouse to ask, no counsel to be had...you have to decide for yourself. You weigh the options, both good and bad, and eventually find the solution that is most beneficial to you. When we are arguing with our spouse it is the two sides of a matter being decided upon by different view points. Neither one may be wrong or bad but a decision must be made; your spouse is simply voicing the opposing side.
Now, we know not all arguments and fights are based around a decision that must be made. Maybe you have been accused of something false and you feel like defending yourself? Or maybe one of you did something that hurt or wounded the other unintentionally? Maybe you fight about finances, work, hobbies, time, friends, family, sex, children, etc. Whatever the reason you can still find the "win win" solution. It all goes back to remembering that you are not two, but one.
It goes against the way we have been taught about winning and losing from childhood but it works. When you argue realize that if you make your spouse lose you have lost, too. But, if your spouse wins, you win. It may not always turn out the way that YOU want it to. And that, too, is OK.
Whatever you are fighting about is RARELY as important as your spouse's emotional well being. Does winning the fight mean so much to you that you don't care how they feel afterwards? If not, you have emotionally raped them. (Yes, it sounds harsh but we talk plainly here. Our marriages are too important and time is too short to waste time being polite about such serious matters.) By winning in this way we lose because we will have FORCED our will and desires upon another against their will. Not only will we have raped our spouses but we will have done the same to ourselves because we are no longer two, but one, flesh. By injuring our spouses we do damage to ourselves and, ultimately, abuse both of us.
Over the next couple of days, we will be looking at a very sensitive subject- ABUSE. We will attempt to share what it may look like because it comes out in various forms; some of which we may not be familiar with. Bear with us...it might get a little ugly around here. But, as always, we will try to give the hope that comes from the love of Christ through all of this.
Josh and Serena
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