Disclaimer: As we begin this series on abuse do not look at your own marriage for faults and flaws that are not there. While some marital situations are abusive not all are. Do not imagine something into existence because it justifies you and your reactions to the situation. If there is abuse in your marriage, we pray that this helps. If there is no abuse, please pray that those that need help would find it. Our definitions here are rather broad. Therefore, check your heart in regards to whether you are abusing or are being abused.
Most of the time when we think of abuse, we think of a drunken middle-aged man in a dirty and stained A-shirt on a rampage through his house. This is true for some but many times physical abuse takes on a more sinister disguise. Not all drunken middle-aged men in dirty and stained A-shirts are abusers; nor are all clean cut, well-educated and sober men NON-abusers. And physical abuse does not only come at the hands of angry men; women are physical abusers as well.
Physical abuse cannot be summed up or stereotyped into a single demographic. It occurs to those in the lowest of income brackets and in the homes of those that make millions. It happens in non-Christian homes as well as in the most prominent of positions within the church, the pastors. It crosses all boundaries- foreign, domestic, race, religion, conservatives, liberals, and sex.
Most physical abuse (that we hear about) occurs in the form of striking another individual with a body part or other object within reach. However, there is other physical abuse that is not so well known but just as evil. One of those ways would be the physical presence of the larger individual (most often the male) in the marriage. If their size and demeanor are used in a threatening way it can be abuse. Their physical make-up was never intended to be used as an intimidating factor so that they can get their way. It was given to protect and comfort those entrusted to them.
Another way would be within the sexual arena and marital bed. Abuse here can occur in different forms. First, sex can be used as a weapon against the other spouse. Both husbands and wives have the ability to wield this weapon. Sex was given for recreation and procreation between a husband and wife. Not to be withheld because you're "going to teach them a lesson." Another way that sex can be classified as abuse is when one spouse forces the other to engage in a form of sex that causes them to be uncomfortable or ashamed. We believe that all things between a husband and wife are permissible within the marriage bed....with the exception of that which grieves the body, soul, and spirit of the other. Another way that sex can be classified as abuse is when a spouse is more concerned with their own sexual gratification and will completely neglect the other once their need is fulfilled. This is not always abuse but can turn into it if left unchecked.
This is a sick and degenerative way of life for the abuser. It is sad and heart-breaking for the one being abused. When we spoke our vows to one another we did so with the intent in mind that this person that we were pledging our lives would not be hurt by us and would not intentionally hurt us. But, the joy and elation of the wedding day fades and the frustrations of married life come to the surface soon enough. And when one person does not know how to cope with the difficulties of married life and finds it easier to bully the other one in order to get their way, it becomes their way of life.
Now, for some real talk...and hope!
If you are the physical abuser in your marriage, you MUST stop!! NOW!! There is NEVER an excuse to use your body as a weapon against your beloved spouse. Just because you do not know how to deal with people in ways that do not include physical intimidation does not give you the right to do so. You are wrong and living in sin. We do not care about your position or title. You may be a just a blue collar worker (like Josh), a high-powered high society type, or stand behind a pulpit on Sunday mornings....if you use physical violence to run your marriage and family, you need to repent and ask the Holy Spirit to renew your heart and cause you to be the person that you were designed to be. You need to ask for forgiveness of those that you have abused.
If you have been on the receiving end of this type of relationship, the first thing you need to know is that it is not your fault. They are the way they are because they have not been taught. And the first thing you need to do is to FORGIVE them. Even if they have not asked for it, do it anyway. There is a blessing waiting for you when you can overcome the hurt of what has been done to you and forgive your enemy, even if the enemy is your own spouse. Depending on the severity and frequency of the abuse, a TEMPORARY separation may be in order so that BOTH of you can get the help that you need. Consult an older, wiser, more tempered saint to help you and your spouse navigate this delicate situation. Pray for your spouse. Do not give up on them. The enemy of our souls has somehow convinced them that this an acceptable way to deal with life. You do not know what God is able to do with you and through you if you will stay completely submitted to Him. For all you know your gentle spirit and quiet, peaceful composure may be just the thing that will win you spouse to Christ.
Abuse, though sad and terrifying, is not a reason for divorce. There is a place of healing, wholeness, and restoration in Christ. It is available to you simply by asking. Like we have said before (and will continue to say over and over and over), God is bigger. HE IS BIGGER!!!! Nothing can stand before Him. So, if you will remain humble before Him and submitted to Him, He will deal with those that would seek to do you harm. He will not sit idly by and watch as another would destroy one of His children. However, God's destruction of the abuser does not always look like we want it to. Sometimes His way of destroying the abuser is by making them one of His own.
Josh and Serena
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