His Story

If you could look ahead in time and see the fruits of what you are doing by standing for your marriage...if you could hop into a time machine and go back to where it all went downhill and then jump ahead to the future and see how it all worked out...if you could somehow catch a glimpse of what the Father sees when He looks at you...do you think it would give you the strength the to finish this project you have started in standing for your marriage?  I would venture to say, YES!!

Why would seeing how it all turns out, for your good, inspire you or give you strength to keep going?  Because it is your testimony!!  Even though you can't see it right now or is very difficult to see through the pain of your current situation, your testimony is being written by the hand of the Almighty...even as we speak!  You testimony, authored by God, is not done yet.  God is not in the habit of writing dark comedies or horror novels.  He is not writing your testimony to be a mystery or a comedy of errors.  He has not written you into a 3 Stooges picture or a comic book.  We don't understand His creative writing process but His stories (your testimony) always finish with the most AMAZING endings.  We think Hollywood comes up with wild twists at the end of movies....you've not even begun to see God work!!

What makes God's stories (your testimony) so ridiculously awesome is that His stories never end up with you or I being exalted or glorified.  His story ALWAYS finishes with Him being glorified to the highest, exalted above every other thing, and He alone being seen.  In the end of God's story (your testimony) you fade into the background and He rises to the forefront.

You see, right now, you are the one in the spotlight.  You are the one that is enduring the pain.  You are the one that has caused pain.  You are suffering.  You are holding on beyond hope.  People mock you because of your stance.  You are carrying the shame of what you have done to your spouse.  Whatever it may be, you are being seen by all.

But, soon, He will be seen!  He will rise to the occasion of completing your story and displaying His awesome power.  All of your pain will be used to glorify Him.  All of your shame will exalt Him.  Everything that was used against you, said about you, done to you will be brought forth to honor the King of all Kings!!

We don't know now how or when He will do it.  In fact, from where we stand it seems impossible.  It seem ludicrous to think that good can come from the evil you have endured.  But, He will do it...if you let Him.  If you let Him write it and be willing to be simply a character in the story of God, He will do it.  He will not fail or get writer's block.  He will use each and every thing about you in telling the story about Himself.  Through you, He will display RECONCILIATION!  Through you, He will display LOVE!!  Through you, He will show the world that there IS a God in heaven that deeply loves people, regardless of what they look like or what they have gone through.  All through you...

So, don't give up now!  Hold on!!  Don't give up on reading His story (your testimony) as it is played out in your life!!  The best part has yet to be written!!

Romans 8:28

And we know that God causes everything to work together

for the good of those who love God

and are called according to his purpose for them.



Josh and Serena

Rose-Colored Glasses

Have you found yourself discouraged?  Does it seem hopeless? Do you wonder if your spouse will EVER be the person you hoped? 

Let's take a step back.....are we perfect? Does God look at us and think we are hopeless causes?  Do you think He wonders at times if we will EVER be the person He hoped we would be?  Okay, yes, I realize that He is God, but how many times have we failed to follow His best?  Are we holding our spouses to a standard we ourselves don't even attain?  Are we REALLY being fair?  Do we want our loving Father to treat us with the same standards we hold for our spouses?  I, for one, don't want Him to be fair.

Don't we actually want Him to deal with us in LOVE AND MERCY? 

Maybe it would help if we gave some verses to show you how your Heavenly Father sees your spouse...and yes, even that spouse who doesn't SEEM to want anything to do with God. God wants ALL of  people to KNOW Him, so start confessing and praying these verses over them, to get in your heart that GOD wants them right with Him, more than even you want it.

Genesis 1:26-27     They are created in God's image.
Matthew 5:13, 14     They are salt and light of the world. Speak it out!
John 1:12     They are a child of God.
Romans 5:1     They are not condemned by God.
I Corinthians 3:9     God's fellow work and His building
I Corinthians 3:16-17     They are the temple of the Holy Spirit.
II Corinthians 5:17     They are a new person in Christ.
II Corinthians 4:16     Confess they are a renewed person daily.
Philemon 6     Pray the Lord fills them with the knowledge of every good thing.
I Peter 2:9-10     Pray that they realize they are a chosen race, a royal priest, and a citizen of a holy nation.

The Lord is not slow in keeping his promise, as some understand slowness. He is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance.  2 Peter 3:9

Learning to act as Christ will be the only way we can truely stand for our marriages in an upright, holy, way....be like Christ--be patient, not wanting "get what they deserve," but to come to repentance.  Some might say this is just lying to yourself, some might say you view life through rose-colored glasses.  I think our Heavenly Father often does this for us....and the view through those glasses can really make all the difference.  Don't you think?

Josh and Serena

15

When Josh came home, I NEEDED to talk.  I needed to talk through all of the stuff that we went through, were going through, and what was still to come.  I needed an outlet to release everything that had been pent up for those days, weeks, months, and years.  However, the problem that we faced was that I was a woman and Josh was a man.

What I mean is that women like to talk and men, well, DON'T.  Josh knew it had to be done but that didn't change the way the he was wired.  However, we didn't talk about lots of this for some time.  It wasn't until we were in CO that we began to really work through the mess.  After we decided to begin talking through it we spent many nights in deep discussions about everything.  Much of it was stuff that we had already talked about the night before but I needed to hear about it again.  Josh tried to endure the questioning but it began to be too much for him.  I could see that visibly he was getting frustrated by the constant talking in circles.

So, we came to an arrangement.  Since, he was willing to talk but could not go on for hours and I needed to talk and could go on indefinitely, we decided that after the kids were in bed we would talk for 15 minutes.  Nothing was off limits, nothing held back.  But, after 15 minutes were over we would move onto something else...a movie, some Wii, other chores, etc.  This time was invaluable for us.

Two things happened during this time; 1. I spent my time away from Josh deciding what I would ask him to make the most of the time we had allocated to it.  2. Josh didn't get frustrated by the conversation that HAD to take place.  By Josh not being tired of talking he would be able to open up about other things on his own.  By giving me a finite amount of time to ask, I made sure that what I asked was really necessary for my healing and our well-being. AND gradually 15 minutes EVERY day was really too much, as I realized that I didn't really need to go over the same stuff.  BUT when I was talking in circles every night I would forget, so I had to ask again.  I also began to see that talking about the past really WASN'T bringing any healing.

Really think about your time and see if it's helping or hurting--the endless talking is not as helpful as you might think.  The quality time we spent playing games, watching movies, and talking about other stuff....that brought healing.  When we talked into the night about the hurt and pain there was NO time for the stuff that really helps.

Regrets

Regrets...we all live with them, don't we?  They don't feel good, do they?  Regrets come when we have done something that we shouldn't have or have not done something that we should have.  Regrets can cause us to sink into deep pits of despair and depression.  However, they can also spur us onto action and purpose.  It does not matter what the regret is, your response to it will determine whether you sink into hopelessness or rise up to restoration.

Maybe you are reading this and you are living with regrets stemming from a series of bad decisions.  Maybe you have left your family and your decisions have not turned out like you imagined it.  Maybe your marriage has crumbled to some sort of substance abuse.  Regardless of what your regrets are or where they have come from, you don't have to live a life where your regrets rule you.

Or maybe you are reading this and you are regretting decisions where you were supposed to stand for right and you didn't.  Maybe you decided that a divorced life would be acceptable and now wish it could be undone.  Maybe you remember a time long ago when life was right, your marriage was sweet, and you want to rewind time to way back when.  You don't have to live your life wishing that things were different.

When I look back at what I (Josh) have done, I could easily find myself in a very dark place.  If I was judging myself I would find myself lacking in so many things; regretting the majority of my life and decisions from a very young age.

When I (Serena) look back, I regret not praying more for my husband and learning what it meant to stand for your husband LONG before he makes a downward spiral. Marriages not TRUELY covered in prayer are east targets.  If I spend enough time dwelling on the past, I wish I could take back time and find the moment where our lives starting dipping lower and do something...ANYTHING...to make the last few chapters of our lives not happen.

But, we don't live in the past.  We can't!  There is too much that God has placed in our hands and directed us to for us to live in the past with regrets swallowing us.  There are times when we are talking about things when sometimes one of us has to say, "Enough."  Usually those are the times when our regrets start to rise up into an ungodly size and we begin to feel a sense of defeat.

We learned, during our restoration, that we cannot linger in the past.  We had to move on into where God was leading us; forgiveness, healing, forgiveness, wholeness, forgiveness, love, forgiveness, joy, and a little more forgiveness.  It is simple in thought and theory but not so simple to live out.

Whatever the regret you have to move on from it.  Be it something done or not done, you have to move on.  What has been done cannot be undone but the lingering effects from them can be turned into something good.  You may be asking, "What good can come from this?"  That is up to a combination of God and your response to His leading.

Once you have regrets, you have a choice...will you continue to live in such a way that it breeds more regrets?  Or will you learn to make some hard decisions that will cause you to say, "It doesn't matter how hard this may be I WILL not continue to have regrets!"

I don't know about you, but for us, we don't have time for regrets.  God has too much for us to do...for you to do...to let regrets cripple us.

Josh and Serena

No matter how big or how small....we all have SOME kind of regrets. 

Are We There Yet?

We know the feeling. Don't we all experience it? Even children at a young age learn to bug their parents with the classic, "Are we there yet?"  My (Serena) uncle used to just say "5 more minutes;"  I actually hated that as I would rather be told that it was 10 hours than hoping it was 5 more minutes.  As parents, now, I probably understand it a bit more. We aren't saying you should lie; how about, "I don't really know!"  Do you really know?  I mean, what IF you got a flat tire, or a speeding ticket, or the pregnant momma had to go pee?  These things can all affect the TIME we will arrive.  So, my uncle was probably more accurate than I would care to admit or like because saying it will be 10 hours, assuming you give yourself plenty of extra time, can almost be MORE devasting. 

For example, pregnancy lasts an average of 40 weeks. Doctors consider full term anywhere in between 37 and 42 weeks.  What if you decide you aren't going to "allow" yourself to get anxious for the arrival of your baby until 42 weeks; I mean, it is afterall LONGER than most women. What happens at 44 weeks?  You are now frustrated, uncomfortable, and not exactly very happy with having to wait.

Ecclesiastes 3
Time for Everything

There is a time for everything,

and a season for every activity under heaven:

a time to be born and a time to die,

a time to plant and a time to uproot,

a time to kill and a time to heal,

a time to tear down and a time to build,

a time to weep and a time to laugh,

a time to mourn and a time to dance,

a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,

a time to embrace and a time to refrain,

a time to search and a time to give up,

a time to keep and a time to throw away,

a time to tear and a time to mend,

a time to be silent and a time to speak,

a time to love and a time to hate,

a time for war and a time for peace.

What does the worker gain from his toil? I have seen the burden God has laid on men. He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end. I know that there is nothing better for men than to be happy and do good while they live. That everyone may eat and drink, and find satisfaction in all his toil—this is the gift of God. I know that everything God does will endure forever; nothing can be added to it and nothing taken from it. God does it so that men will revere him. Whatever is has already been, and what will be has been before;

and God will call the past to account. And I saw something else under the sun: In the place of judgment—wickedness was there, in the place of justice—wickedness was there. I thought in my heart, “God will bring to judgment both the righteous and the wicked, for there will be a time for every activity, a time for every deed.” I also thought, “As for men, God tests them so that they may see that they are like the animals. Man’s fate is like that of the animals; the same fate awaits them both: As one dies, so dies the other. All have the same breath, man has no advantage over the animal. Everything is meaningless. All go to the same place; all come from dust, and to dust all return. Who knows if the spirit of man rises upward and if the spirit of the animal^c goes down into the earth?”

So I saw that there is nothing better for a man than to enjoy his work, because that is his lot. For who can bring him to see what will happen after him?

We do not know the time when things will happen in your marriage or any other aspect of your life, but we do KNOW that there is a time for everything.  AND as we read the verse above it clearly says there is nothing better than for a man to enjoy his work, because that is his lot.  This says to us, that we are to be enjoy whatever season the Lord has us in, currently.  This might be a time of war, but a there is time for peace, also.  It could be 5 minutes away, or it could be 10 hours?  God knows the answer, and He isn't always sharing either. So, maybe we should stop asking the question......

Many scriptures attest that God will recompense, remunerate, reward, or pay wages for the faithful service of his followers--run the race well, and remain faithful in your calling.  When you said your vows your "calling" was to be a loving, faithful spouse.  Remain faithful in your calling.

Josh and Serena

View From the Pig Pen

This time of year is kind of hard for me.  This is the time of year that many of my problems took shape.  It's fair time around the country.  You know...4H, FFA, home-baked goods up for 1st prize, cinnamon rolls, and funnel cakes.  I hate this time of year.

Now, I have nothing against fairs in and of themselves.  It can be a very fun time for the family.  Looking at all the accomplishments of the kids that raised their livestock is a blast for the children.  Getting to snack on giant turkey legs that put your stomach in knots is always a good time.  Free concerts in the summertime is hard to beat.  Fairs are a good time...unless you spent the previous 8 years using that time to pursue your carnal desires.

I worked at the local fair for about 8 years as a security guard.  We were there to make sure that a good time was had by all and remove those that would make others fair experience a bad time.  Most people that worked the fair did it to earn a few extra bucks and that was the excuse I used.  But, in all honesty, I used it to hit on other women.

My view from the pig pen consisted of taking in all of the eye candy (actually, eye heroin) that showed up at the fair each night.  I used the fair to let my second life come to the surface more and let it run wild.  I was not seen by my wife and kids for most of the 10 days that it was in town.  I had no accountability for my time or whereabouts.

So, this time of year is difficult for me to see the fair coming to town.  I wish I could have those memories of time at the fair redeemed so that I could experience it with my family without remembering the hurt that I eventually caused by my lies.

As you stand for your marriage and your prodigal spouse, keep this in mind...when your spouse does come home there may be some things that they did while they were gone that may be long term reminders about where they were at one time.  This does not mean that they are still acting wrong; it simply means that they have sensitive areas that are still healing.  When your spouse's heart has been softened and humbled by God they will have areas that are particularly sensitive to memories.  You need to be cautious not to push them too hard in those areas.  Pushing them hard will not drive them away but it will simply remind them of the pain they caused.  You don't have to remind them of what happened; they remember all too well.

On the other hand, I will not be held hostage to my past or to bad memories.  If I want to have the fair time redeemed, I must begin to make new memories with my family.  Serena understands both sides of this so it makes it a bit easier.  She knows how hard it is for me to think about those times.  So, she doesn't push me too go if I seem to be a bit bothered by it.  But, she still asks because she also knows that we need new memories.  I am sure we will be going to our local fair sometime in the next week.

Josh

Honestly...

Is it alright for us to be real and honest with you?  Hope so....cuz we're gonna be!!

Everyday we make it a point to post something for you.  Maybe a word of encouragement, maybe some wisdom, a story or two from our past, or a challenge to grow and trust God more.  We know, firsthand, how difficult and daunting the task is to stand for your marriage sometimes.  That is why we are here.  You are why we are here.  If something that we say, do, have lived through, or possibly see can help you in your fight to win your marriage back...it's yours.  No questions asked; nothing required in exchange.  We love you and want to see you victorious in your relationship with God and your spouse.

With all that being said (here comes the honesty), we are still human!  We still have bad days that seem to come from nowhere.  We have days that we would rather just stay in bed and hide under the covers than to face the day and the challenges it will hold.  We still fight with each other.  We have learned how to circumvent a lot of the things that trigger HUGE fights but we have them none the less.  We still have nights where our dreams are filled with images of days past or what might be lurking around the corner.  We still have our doubts about Josh and whether or not this life is for real.  When left unchecked our thoughts and imaginations can easily get the best of us.  Temptations still wait around every turn for us; sin sits outside waiting and watching for a place to creep in.  We still fight the devil....EVERYDAY!!!  He has not left us alone just because we are back together and standing where God would have us.  We still get scared about what we cannot see about the our spouse.

It may seem at times that we have it all together.  It may look, from where you stand, that our life is peaches and cream, a little Mayberry at times, and all around hunky-dory.  It's NOT!!  Our life, just like yours, is full of ups and downs, mountains and valleys, wins and fails, great days and bad ones.  Please, don't look at us like we are professionals at this marriage thing.  At times, (maybe even most of it) we feel so extremely inadequate to even post a single word of marital advice.  We want to be transparent with you so that TOGETHER we can walk out what it means to be a stander.

As we get ready to close today's post, can we share one truth with you to encourage you?  We are just like you...we fight, we get mad, we cry, we laugh, we enjoy life...we have learned one thing that sticks with us.  Wherever you are or whatever mood you are in or whatever has happened, it will NOT stay that way.  Bad days come but they don't stay.  Bad dreams happen but they don't have to darken your daytime.  Hurts happen and hurts heal.  You don't have to stay where you are emotionally.  You have a choice.  You can get bogged down by the reality of the situation and the hopelessness of life....OR.....you can pick your chin up and square your shoulders back and think about the fact that today His mercies are new!  You can choose to remember that today is the day that the Lord has made and the devil cannot stop you from rejoicing in what the Lord has done!

So, honestly, yesterday morning was pretty tough to face the day...but we did and came through it unscathed.  The sky didn't fall and the world did not end.  In fact, just the opposite is true...God created, just for us, a brand new day...and it was beautiful!!

And in the immortal words of The Shirelles..."Mama said there'll be days like this..."

Josh and Serena

Covenant Eyes

Covenant Eyes is a small company in central Michigan with a big heart to protect families and individuals online. Today tens of thousands of people from Chicago to Shanghai use their Accountability and Filtering Services, including us.  They recently interviewed us for their blog, featuring our story of reconciliation.  We greatly appreciated the opportunity, but we do not want to fail in mentioning what a valuable service their company has offered us over the last 3 years. 

Accountability Service

Blocking software is very useful but it has its limits. This service simply monitors everywhere you go online. It doesn’t block anything. A rating is then assigned to every web address based on objectionable material, and the information is compiled into easy-to-read reports. Reports are sent via e-mail to anyone you wish to see it.   We can not recommend this service enough, as it has put up some definite boundries and guards for us.  They are in the process of developing software for blackberries, iphones, and more....

This is a great tool for parents, using these reports to have good conversations with your kids about where they go online. Friends can help friends discuss the temptations they face online and how the Internet impacts their relationships and their lives offline.  My (Josh) guy's group keeps each other accountable, and we know that if we slip up one of us will be calling each other. Open, honest conversation, from a young age, is so vital to keeping your children knowing right and wrong in this world of technology. 

The Accountability Service is custom-designed to help you have honest conversations about how the Internet is used. Removing the secrecy helps to remove the temptation.  The cost is definitely worth the investment--it can be the investment to bring healing to your restoration process. 

**Word of warning: Josh did NOT download this onto his computer for MANY months, as he was NOT ready to be held accountable.  Don't push your spouse, as the ultimatums and things you "require" mean nothing when it comes to buidling trust.  Pray, Pray, Pray!! (that works); Eventually Josh wanted the accountability, and he has not looked back since.

Filtering Service

The filtering service allows you to block undesired content online. Customize their filter to meet your needs. Have multiple usernames with their own custom settings. Control when and for how long the Internet is used. Protect all your home and office computers. At this point we do not have the filtering service, but we are definitely looking into it, as we now have children that are on the computer.  We both have separate user names in order to keep track of our own usage, and we have our reports sent to each other....but also to others, as this helps relieve the stress on your spouse to be your accountability partner. 

Your Beliefs

Why do you believe what you do?  Really...ask yourself.  Why do you believe in standing for your marriage?  Why are you purposing to bring restoration to your marital situation?  Why do you believe...anything?

Is it because of how you were raised?  Or did you come to your set of beliefs through some sort of fiery trial?  Maybe you heard someone teach on something and really liked it?  Maybe you REALLY like us (C'mon...you know you do) and want to believe like we do?  Or did your set of beliefs come through divine revelation from God?

One of these may be your source for your beliefs, however, for most people none of these are the reason.  For most people have learned their beliefs and chose their road in life from popular culture.  They have left the foundational truths taught by generations past for the complex simplicity of doing what everyone else is doing.  They do not look to God for wisdom on how to proceed in life.  And, God forbid, that someone else say something that would challenge their beliefs and stretch them into growing.

I think that is one of the reasons that we write this blog.  We have been challenged to grow and we are constantly being pushed to rethink our positions on touchy subjects.  Some things we have changed our views on; others we have become more resolute in our thinking.

I (Josh) was driving in the car the other day and was kind of thinking about some of this stuff.  It all started by listening to some preacher on the radio use a word (correctly) and then thinking about how often people use words incorrectly or use words that are not really words at all.  I know, it seems like quite a stretch but I will try to bring it full circle...

The word "regardless" is an actual word.  The word "irregardless" is NOT a word.  Recently, it has been added to acceptable language because EVERYONE uses it and no one is correcting them on what the proper word is.

The contraction "ain't" is technically not a proper contraction.  It has become accepted because, again, lots of people using it....very few people correcting the masses.  All the other contractions are the combination of two words made shorter.  What words make up "ain't"?

Popular culture is telling people that it is OK to use poor grammar and nonexistent words to convey their message.  Rather than keeping the standards of language high, we lower the bar and accept a soft language instead of one where people have extensive vocabularies to make their point.

This is not only evident in our language but (since this IS a marriage restoration blog) also in the area of marriage, divorce, separation, sexuality, parenting, and roles of the sexes.  Instead of keeping a very high standard and pushing people to reach for higher and greater, we lower the bar and say, "It doesn't matter the reason, get divorced.  It's OK for you to be a single parent.  You can do it on your own."

Popular culture is telling us that it's normal to be divorced, normal to be a single parent, normal to need two incomes, normal to homosexual or bisexual, normal to be separated.  Popular culture is lying to us and telling us that it is normal to go against the God-ordained order of things.

Who is dictating what popular culture says, anyway?  It cannot be blamed on any one person or group.  It's not a Democrat or republican issue; it's not pro-choice or pro-life; it's not a race issue; it's not a church denomination problem.  You cannot solely blame music, movies, TV, or magazines on the state of the world.  Popular culture is basically a whole lot of people that are too lazy to climb to higher heights, and since they do not want to be alone in the depravity, they pull on the standards of sane and godly individuals to bring them down to their level.  Misery loves company!

Enough is ENOUGH!!  Well, we are here to push the bar higher.  We are a voice amongst a few others that are saying, "It's not OK to embrace the divorce mentality!  It's not normal to be a single parent!  It's not normal or OK to be promiscuous....in or out of marriage!"  Their has been too much of the popular culture propaganda being spewed on our ears, hearts, and spirits just to sit idly by and do nothing.  We have to strive for higher, for greater, for holiness.  We have to strive to have the heart of God and see things as He does.

We have to see that God is all about restoration, healing, and wholeness!  We have to see that God is on the side of your marriage...as ugly as it may seem right now!  We have to see that God desires to have a real relationship with His creation!  We have to see that your marriage and my marriage is a holy union and the devil wants nothing more than to destroy the image of holiness in the eyes of the world.  We have to see that God desires for their to be two parents to raise the next generation...one man and one woman!  We have to see God!

These things must be shouted from the rooftops so that the world can hear.  The world is morally decaying faster and faster everyday.  The world needs an awakening of people standing for their marriage that will not go quietly!  Will you join us in making His plan for marriage clear to the world?

All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.  Edmund Burke

Do something....STAND!!!

Josh and Serena

Get Revenge

Ephesians 6:12 For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the powers, against the world forces of this darkness, against the spiritual forces of wickedness in the heavenly places.

Who are you fighting?  Have you forgotten?  Are you finding that you are taking revenge out on your spouse?  Maybe you are even finding some progress in the things you have been applying, but you are still unsatisfied.  That's okay....take it out on the RIGHT thing!!

Get your joy, your peace, your self-esteem, your time, your place and voice in God....get it ALL back, and FIGHT for it!!! 

I (Serena) had to have listened to this song EVERY day for 4 months...oh, and I had it on REPEAT!!!  It still just makes me wanna SHOUT!!!  I WANT IT ALL BACK!!! And my favorite...."you wouln't have bothered me if you had known what I was gonna be....."    Let that be your cry when you get tired!!!!  Get mad at the devil; make him wish he had NEVER thought to bother you!!!



Testimony Time

Well, friends, it's testimony time!  Yesterday was our anniversary...12 years to be exact.  And, oh, what a ride it has been!

We have seen some good times and bad times. We've been through a living hell and have come out to now be living in the peace of God.  We were thrown into a fiery furnace with no residual effects...we don't even smell like smoke.  And, through it all we have seen God's hand in our life.

12 years...3 miscarriages...5 children (6 very soon!)...3 cross-country moves...5 affairs...1 standing spouse...1 prodigal spouse....and 1 eternally faithful God!!

He walked the road that we walked.  He pushed us and strengthened us when we didn't want to go on.  He carried us when we would have fallen.  He crushed us and broke our wills so that He could be glorified in the restoration and healing of us as individuals and as a couple.  It is to Him that all glory and honor is due.  It is for Him that we now live our lives.  Anything that we are and everything that we are able to do is by His grace alone!

This is our testimony.  We are where we are today by the saving grace of Christ.  We will be who we are tomorrow because of His faithfulness and new mercies.  No longer are we two individuals striving to make a marriage work.  We are now one body, joined together and united with Christ, flowing in the beautiful dance of a marriage that only the Father could choreograph.

And this can be your testimony, too.

Standing stronger than ever....

Josh and Serena

Father's Day

Today is Father's day.  I am so glad that I am able to enjoy this day with my wife and kids.  It almost wasn't so.  This may come out being a bit harsh but it is also a warning for something you may be considering or in the process of doing.

When I began my departure from my family, I started practicing what it would be like to be a divorced dad.  I did all the "fun" things.  I took them all out to dinner once a week...to wherever they wanted to go.  I was going to be the fun dad.  I thought that was "being there" for them.  However, there is more to being there than dinners once a week or going out for ice cream.

This is not meant to bring blame or condemnation if you find yourself in this situation because of your spouse's choices.  Being a divorced spouse is not something that is to be taken lightly.  The movies and TV make it look like it is no big deal.  Our culture makes it easier and easier to be a divorced parent.  But, it is not meant to be this way.

If you, as a parent, desire to be there for your kids means that you have to be there...physically, emotionally, and spiritually.  It means that you are there for the good times (going out to eat, ice cream, winning the soccer game, birthdays) and the bad times (skinned knees, dashed hopes, bad dreams, and thunderstorms).  You don't get to pick which days you want to be a great parent.  Great parents aren't made by the good days; they are made by the bad days that you have but have to pull it together for your children.

Wives pray your husbands home, for the sake of your children. Don't allow Satan to win this battle.  It doesn't just end with dashed childhood hopes and dreams; this carries into adulthood. Think about the long term effects and how their life will turn out. Teach your children that God makes the impossible possible.  Keep standing for the return of your children's father. 

Fathers, GO HOME, if you are not where you should be.  Your daughters need you to affirm them and show them what to look for in a future spouse. They need their dad to be there to protect them from the hormones of young men.  Your sons need their father to teach them how to be a real man.  How to change a flat tire and how to stand courageous in the face of danger and adversity.  In years to come, don't leave them standing in the card section at Walmart wondering what kind of card to give you on a day which honors your role as their father...wishing it wasn't so hard to pick the "right" card.  Be there for them and being there for them is where GOD wants you. 

Happy Father's Day!!

Josh and Serena

Right For the Job

The past few days at work I have had to endure a job that I very much disliked.  And yesterday was the culmination of all of the preparation I had done.  I was responsible for cutting into a large water main and installing a valve for a new client's landscape irrigation system.  The past two days involved locating the main from the plans, digging it up (it was 4 ft. deep), purchasing all of the parts, and cutting into it.  I had contacted the company that manages the property to inform them of my plans and to obtain the information about the valves that would shut off the water so that I could work in it.  Well, I shut the valves, cut the line, and then waited for it to drain.  It drained for over 24 hours and was not about to stop.  So, the managing company sent a guy out o help me shut off the entire system.  After he did I was able to finish my job, which was the part I was dreading.  That was, to jump into this huge, muddy hole and begin to clear the mud so that I could plumb my valve in.  Let's just say that I was not a happy camper!

I didn't have a bad attitude; I just didn't want to do it.  It was dirty, wet, and tough to do.  But, that is what my employer pays me for.  He calls for me when the job needs to be done in a certain manner and trusts my work.  That is the reputation that I have established with him.  It makes for many of my jobs and projects to be less than enjoyable.  However, he has entrusted me with some of his most delicate work issues knowing that I will come through for him.  When the job needs to get done, I am the man for the job.

You may be wondering, "How is this work story connected to marriage and standing for them?"  Let me explain...

Most of us started our married lives in relative peace in our relationship.  We expected life to be roses and perfume all of the time.  We were going to be like marshmallows and hot chocolate, peanut butter and jelly, or peas and carrots all of our days.  No bad would befall us because we LOVED each other.  It's why we got married, right?

But, that's not how life turned out, is it?  The roses turned out to have more thorns than you imagined.  You got hurt by your spouse.  You hurt your spouse.  I hurt my wife.  I nearly derailed my marriage.  Life got ROUGH!

Now, if you believe that nothing is chance...that everything has a purpose...that God has been orchestrating and choreographing your entire life....each and every moment He has known about and taken into consideration, then you have to realize that even this crisis that you are walking through is by His design.  This is not to say that God made your spouse do what they did to you.  However, it does say that YOU, by His design, were the right person for this situation.

It means that He knew your unique make-up of traits, attributes, talents, and character would be exactly what He needed to make the difference in your spouse's life.  He knows your weaknesses and faults but is able to work through them and show Himself strong through them.  As ugly as the situation is or may get, you are not in it by accident.  There is something that God is desiring to do in you and through you by His grace.  You are the man/ woman for the job of YOUR marriage restoration.

Yea, I know....you don't want to do it.  I didn't want to have to do the plumbing work in that main line, either.  It's not fun.  There is little to no recognition for all the mess you have to put up with.  You feel mistreated and used.  You are overlooked and under appreciated.  But, regardless, you are the right person for the job.  When God saw the situation that was about go down, He saw you and said, "There you are; I have been looking for you.  I need for you to be who you are and endure this situation.  No one else can do it.  You are perfectly suited for this."

Now, at first glance, this may not appeal to you or seem to be encouraging.  But, I tell you it is.  Going back to me and my work, I get very frustrated sometimes when I think about the task at hand that my boss is asking me to do.  It is tough and, usually, exhausting.  But, when I step back and see that he gives me these job because he trusts me and knows I can handle them with integrity and faithfulness,  I feel much better.  God is not giving you the trial you are walking through because He dislikes you or has forgotten about you.  Just the opposite is true.  He HAS considered you.  He HAS thought about you.  He has bestowed trust upon you knowing that you will not let Him down by giving up.

Here is what the Word of God says about you...

Romans 8:28 We know that God causes everything to work together^[a] for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them.

Psalms 139:16 You saw me before I was born.  Every day of my life was recorded in your book.  Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed.

Job 1:8 And the LORD said unto Satan, Hast thou considered my servant Job, that there is none like him in the earth, a perfect and an upright man, one that feareth God, and escheweth evil?

God needs you!  Your spouse needs you (even if they say they don't, they still do!)!  Be the right person for the job!

Josh

Farewell to Lukewarm

How often does your church give an altar call for salvation? Do they preach with a goal to save souls from destruction? If your spouse walked into a church service, after abandoning you...what would they hear?  Do you KNOW what your church believes?  Would you be directed to an altar or an attorney. Even though only separated, many are pointed toward divorce recovery classes, often the first step in finding a new mate. Or they encourage a spouse to get involved with the single's ministry, so that they have something to do!  We shake our heads in sadness, because we see that as a lukewarm stand. Believing God will restore your marriage can not be about recovering from divorce; singles' ministry is not waiting for your spouse to come home.  And, yes, I realize that many churches have both of these programs, and they encourage people to attend.

The motto of many churches in dealing with fractured marriage has shifted from "Hang on and let God work," to "Get mad, get over it, and get on with your life."  We rejoice when we hear about a pastor who has taken on a prodigal church member who walked away from family and faith, praying and praying, and praying some more; loving the unlovable, until that marriage is healed. We are thrilled when we hear of a pastor going the extra mile to show a confused, sin-filled prodigal they are still loved, both by that pastor and by their God. 

How often from the pulpit at your church do you hear, "marriage restoration," or "marriage put back together again," or "marriage restored," or marriage healed," or anything along that line?" Just consider what would happen if every pastor in the world was praying for marriage restoration every week! That is where we need to be. If we are praying for the sick, why not the sick marriages?  We get so excited when it happens at our church.  Maybe this is NEW for your church....maybe God has you in a place to shed new light.  BUT you have got to make a decision for yourself  and your family that you are no longer accepting lukewarm.  The Bible even talks about it being better if you are cold!!!  If you do not want to believe in God's restoration power for your marriage, that's fine. BUT stop saying you do and then going to the single's group!

There may come a day when your prodigal spouse goes to church or sits down with a pastor. We pray they will be given a straightforward answer; not looking for loopholes, but a man of God sharing what the Bible says about marriage, divorce, and the family. Your prodigal needs to be directed home, not into another relationship. We need to pray there are pastors like that across the land.

A couple years ago, as Josh and I were in the beginning stages of the healing process, I (Serena) went to see a counselor at our church.  I went there looking for advice as to what I could do to help the healing and health of our marriage.  What I got was not what I expected.  I was told that I was dumb and ignorant for allowing Josh back into my home.  As a stander I (Serena) actually had to write a letter to one of our pastors explaining my stand for marriage and that I was NOT thrilled that I was given advice to seek a divorce.   I realize a lot of pain can be caused by allowing a spouse that is not fully committed, but it is NOT dumb or ignorant to believe that GOD is capable of changing hearts.  Pray that MORE people will stand and fight against the enemy and his attack on marriages.  It is not too late to stop the slide to destruction of individuals, families, churches, and then society. Do you stand for marriage? Or does it just sound good?

"But just as he who called you is holy, so be holy in all you do; for it is written: "Be holy because I am holy." I Peter 1:15

Ultimately it is each person's choice to be hot or cold...BUT we pray that you will make a choice.  It may be much more difficult to keep water boiling and hot, but it's worth it in the end.  Or even ice water...gotta keep putting in something to stay cold.  To be lukewarm takes NO effort...no drive...no heart...no passion! Have passion for something!

Josh and Serena

View From the Pig Pen

"What am I missing out on?"

This was the type of thinking that helped me along on the path to departing from my faith and my God.  I reasoned in my broken mind that because I was living this "Christian" life I was somehow missing out on the plethora of opportunities that were to be had in the world.  From my viewpoint, on the right side of the fence, that everything beyond what I could see must be far more fun than where I was currently.  I thought that the old adage, "The grass isn't always greener on the other side of the fence." must have been a lie.  From where I stood everything looked better than the life I had.

This type of thinking finds it hold us from the influence of popular culture.  In our TV shows and in our movies, the lifestyle of party hard and live your life with no thought to the consequences is ingrained in us.  We laugh at the guy that is so drunk that he has no idea what he is doing or is being done to him.  We procure our entertainment from watching people maneuver through the ups and downs of a debauched life.  We find our humor in watching men cheat on their wives and the lies they tell to continue in their lifestyle.  It is so sad.

And that was the life I wanted to live.  I wanted to be the party guy, the drunk guy, the sleeping around guy, the guy that everyone wanted to know.  I thought that guy was better than the guy that blessed his kids and tucked them in each night.  I thought that the cheating guy was better and more fun than the guy that was faithful to his wife and always would stand strong for her.  I wanted to be the the fun guy; the guy I was was a stick in the mud.  In reality, if I had stood my ground for the being the man that I was and committing to it,  would have been the envy of all the TV shows and movies.  Men that are strong in soul and spirit are to be admired much more than men that are only in it for the fun.

The allure of the world that I was not in, called to me...not to more fun but to the pig pen.  And I responded by running full-force, headlong into it...with no thought to the damage I would cause.  However, that was not who I was.  I was a family man...I was a Godly man.  I was not the party animal; I was the steadfast rock for my family.  No matter what I did or where I went I would not be able to shake that feeling.  I may have been able to make it fade a bit but never made it go away.  I tried extremely hard to make it disappear.  I had to make my heart colder and harder in order to continue doing what I was doing.  Even if I couldn't see it with natural eyes from the pig pen, the view that remained in my mind was one of my home and my family.

My problem was that I was not on the right side of the fence....or the wrong side.  I was walking the top rail.  And walking the middle does not give you a proper perspective.  I saw myself as boring because I wasn't committed to God.  You can have a lot more fun in Christ when you aren't looking out for what you are missing.  Now that I am wholly committed to God and my family, I have a lot more fun and enjoy life to the fullest.

What am I missing out on, now?  Nothing at all!  I have the best life that could be imagined by God.  I never want to see the world from the pig pen ever again.

Pray that your spouse that is far from you and God would have moments of visual clarity, in their mind or with natural eyes, to see where they are and where they should be.  God can do amazing things when a standing spouse begins to pray for their other half!

Josh

Rembrandt's The Prodigal in the Tavern

For Your Eyes Only

Do you make your spouse read?  Do you point out what they SHOULD be doing? Do you read lines out of books to help make them see YOUR side?  Do you highlight when you read a marriage book, with the idea that maybe they will see what YOU see as important? 


Marriages in crisis do NOT need two people to fix.  Yeah, we know that is NOT what you have been told.   It is possible to be done with only ONE spouse willing to work on the marriage. Eventually, with God's help, we believe that you will eventually be on the same page. BUT that doesn't mean after one month of putting things into practice all of your new-found information will fix everything and you will both be back in the honeymoon stage. 


Your spouse does NOT need you pointing out what they should be doing to make things better.  They do NOT need to read this blog in order to help them.  If you are reading this blog, then it's meant for YOU!  Praying with your spouse, fasting with your spouse, devotions with your spouse, love and respect of your spouse, needs of your spouse....those are ALL good, but the things you learn are meant for YOU. 


I (Serena) have read countless marriage books; honestly, I thought if I could get Josh to read even ONE book--MAYBE we would be on the same page!?!?!  Do you not realize that this is SUCH a lie--in order to cause more tension?  Josh has still yet to read even a fraction of the books I have read, but he is an amazing husband!!! How can that be?  If we haven't stressed it enough....let's say it again. GOD is the ultimate teacher--not YOU! 


We can always learn new things from things we read, but maybe those things were meant for ONLY you. We all learn at different speeds and in different ways.  It's not in your job description to make sure your spouse knows all of the things YOU know.  If there is something lacking, take it to God.  Cry out and ask HIM to reveal what need to be revealed.  Allow Him to work on your heart and see if it's your own selfishness or could it be that your spouse DOES need to learn something.  God has continued to amaze us in how HE can be the ultimate teacher.  And, no, that doesn't mean you should insist that your spouse read their Bible every day in order to hear God's voice on what YOU have been praying about. 


Being out in the world Josh was NOT reading his Bible at all....so, HOW did God speak?!?!  We assume we have it all figured out, but we have no idea how BIG our God is.  What is He capable of using?  Do you want to limit His resources to using only you?  Oh, yes, he can USE you, but is that His best?  Countless times in the last few years we have seen God use other people and things to put us on the right course.  It really works so much better than us putting our HUMAN limits on a BIG God. 

We have placed so many limits on God that His Spirit has no room to even move.  In reality, God's Spirit could depart from our midst and we wouldn't notice any difference. With today's resources through books, music, tapes, computers, we can really do an impressive job without God's help.  "Do it MY way" ....that's the motto.  It's very easy for highly motivated, gifted, and successful leaders to run ahead of God.

Don't misunderstand us, we are not against any of the ways God will use.....we DO have a blog, afterall. But without God's blessing we labor in vain. Our pastor even pointed out a few weeks ago how we can have everything in perfect place and appear to look right, but God is not really invited to make His presence known. We have been in small groups where there was no technology and no music but where there was an overwhelming sense of God's presence. It's not about what WE think is right, but have we truly asked God to speak to us--and invite HIM to do the work of changing hearts? 

When Balaam was about to use his God-given gift and calling for the wrong reason with the wrong motive, God had to use a donkey to stop him dead in his tracks. Read the story in Numbers 22. It's fascinating. Imagine the shock when Balaam's donkey spoke to him. In today's world we think it needs to be some book, blog, or TV program that will catch our spouse's attention--or maybe they will listen to our nagging SOON ENOUGH.  Do you want that?  Or do you want to shut your mouth and let the DONKEY do the talking?  Which do you think will make the BIGGER impact?  Do you want to be known as Balaam's donkey or would it be easier to let GOD decide?

God may have to use a few "donkeys" today to get his people to hear and see what is happening.  BUT maybe we should let God decide who He is going to use, and we will stick to praying that God do it....however HE wants.  If God's is going to use US as "donkeys" we want to make sure that is EXACTLY what He wanted.  Balaam's donkey was probably never an "ordinary" donkey after that encounter. 


Josh and Serena

Are You My Mother?

You may just think your spouse needs a LOT of mothering? Maybe you think they didn't have a good mom?  Or maybe they had such a helpful mom that YOU are paying for the fact that as an adult they STILL need a mom? The roles in marriage have been so confused, that some of these topics are more easily switched, as well.  Husbands are NOW feeling they have to parent their wives.  It's not just wives mothering their husbands.

If your eyes open one day and you discover that your relationship with your partner is no longer romantic and it has changed into a parent/child relationship, take a good look at yourself and see what you are doing to parent them.  After all, it is hard to respect a spouse and look at them as sexually attractive if you are treating them as a child. So, since the last few days we have discussed the NEEDS of a spouse, maybe you need to see what things you are doing that might be hindering your relationship.  It might be YOUR actions and instincts of "parenting."

Because we do believe this is something women struggle with more, it may seem lop-sided.  This is NOT taking away from the power of a father's influence.  BUT women who have had children know all about the mothering instinct, even the newest of moms. The mothering instinct is strong and it is amazing.  How does a mom KNOW her newborn is hungry even before the baby makes a sound.  Over the years it amazes me how I can awake in the midddle of the night, thinking I heard something.....and realize it was nothing.....but 5 seconds later the baby wakes.  Moms gain amazing God-given powers.  Being pregnant can even seem like an extra dose of spiritual awareness--no, I am not kidding.  There are so many powers, moms ought to have a superhero costume with a big ‘M’ emblazoned across our chests! I might just have to get one of these someday....

All kidding aside though, mothers are great at giving advice.  We are great at seeing things ahead of time. We have the ability to sense danger, and then we automatically give warnings.  It's like we can forsee the future, and those of us with the power of the Holy Spirit, well, it's like DOUBLE power in regards to giving those warnings.  With our children it's amazing what Mommy can tell just by the attitudes and responses given during certain conversations.  Moms sense when quiet REALLY means mischief is in the making.  If our children tell a lie it's like we knew it ahead of time.  Moms have an incredible amount of strength when we feel our children are in danger or need our help. Our touch can soothe a distressed heart and our kisses can make things better; when our children are sick we can almost sense when they are going to cry before they even make a sound. We can do all of this and more… and sometimes only on a few hours of sleep! All of the moms or even moms at heart KNOW this is SO TRUE.

The mothering instinct is so powerful and consuming, is it any wonder that many moms slowly discover they have become their partner's mother? What?  Not you?  Or maybe you just read all of those things and thought, "How does this happen?" It all goes back to our superhero mothering instinct. It is incredibly strong; you might even think to the times where you have thought of how you could be a better mother to someone else's child.  Or you can't seem to turn away another stray cat or dog or bird, or bunny?  When females become moms, most of us just instinctively know how to care and love things. 

BUT you are not called to be your husband's mother!!! 

If you have found that your relationship with your partner has shifted and you feel more like your spouse's parent instead of their friend, lover, and partner you may have some work to do. It is very easy to mother a spouse, especially if the spouse enjoys it! 

Let's ask Josh...Can you blame a guy for letting his wife mother him? Who doesn’t like to be mothered and cared for?  It's hard to blame a guy for being cared for like a mother would.  You're right...who wouldn't want that?  But, in all honesty, it feels WAY better to be appreciated and cared for as a husband and lover than as a child!  I love my mom and I enjoy it when she loves me back as only she can.  But I am no longer in her house, no longer needing the care that she would give me if I was still at home.  Even when I go home to visit my mom, I do not want to be treated like her little boy.  I am a man and expect to be treated as such.  I much rather prefer the treatment I receive from my wife.  She loves me like no other and can respect me like no one else.  She may cater to some of my needs but not because she is "mothering" me but rather she is honoring me as her head.  She recognizes my manhood and responds accordingly.

The problem is most men are happy to indulge in all the caretaking and nurturing......BUT when they are tired of it…then we are labeled a nag!  It is important that moms learn as early as possible how to recognize when they are mothering their spouses so they can stop it. God didn't design a marriage to be this way, because taking on the responsibility of becoming mommy to a man will leave a woman with no soft place to fall and resentment can build quickly.  Resentment leads to that HARD heart...and we KNOW where that leads.......

The other side of this issue is the man's role in fathering his wife.  Men are strong in body and steely within their spirits...at least they should be.  They are able to make snap decision that will usually stand up to scrutiny.  They have compartments and partitions inside of them that allow them to be able to do unthinkably difficult things with little to no lasting damage.  With their children, they are often strict and demanding, desiring for his kids to be better than he was.  He doesn't often have sympathy and compassion for skinned knees for very long.  He is always the fixer of his kid's problems....whether they be broken toys or dealing with neighborhood bullies.  He allows no direspect from his kids.

When it comes to his wife, he should be tender and loving with strong arms to hold her when things get rough.  But, if he develops a fathering complex with his wife, he becomes a different person.  No longer does the husband see his bride as his partner and confidant but rather as a child that needs tending to.  He pushes his wife to be better.  He often will make decision contrary to her counsel for no other reason than to be spiteful.  He gets on her case for leaving lights on, gives advice for keeping a better home, and generally tells her what to do and when to do it.  He talks down to her when he communicates with her.  He does not allow for her to be her own person; she needs to be who he wants her to be.

Here are some signs to watch out for...signs for both the wife and the husband:

• You have to help them find things they have lost--frequently. This is not to say you can't help look for something that is lost.
• You pick out your spouse's clothes for them.  Again, as you read these...it's not meant for the special occasion where you need input or actual help.  BUT you lay out underwear, socks and shoes--EVERYDAY?
• You are in charge of making your spouse's recreation plans. Let your spouse plan their OWN things. Wives, DO NOT whine that he did them before his "chores" were done.  Moms are the ones who feel everything NEEDS to be done to their standards before anything can be enjoyed...our husbands need to know that when their responsibilities are not being done that someone ELSE is going to bring this to their attention--NOT HIS WIFE!!   Pray those people INTO your spouse's life that will help them get their priorities STRAIGHT, if you feel they are "off!"  It does NOT need to be YOU that is making them "perfect!"  You can't do that, remember?
• Reminding your spouse of their chores!!  Seriousley?  Knock it off...it's JUST not your job. AND I am talking about things like the trash, dusting, dishes, toilets, or even mowing the lawn.  These are such obvious things--they can SEE that those things are not done. AND that does not mean I think you should be doing them. There have been times where I have put the garbage on the porch, but I am NOT taking it to the dumpster.  Use some common sense to see if you are always nagging about chores. 
• Remind them of their schedule of what needs to be done for the day--every day! I (Serena) don't need to be reminded that I have to teach the kid's school. I (Josh) do not need to be reminded of each little job I have for the day.  If your husband has not learned some work ethic those things are going to show up without YOU pointing them out.  He is going to get fired if he doesn't show up to work.  AND, my only thought on this....it might be hard if he loses his job, but do you want to spend the rest of your marriage mothering a boy or do you want him to be a man? 
• Do you call your spouse by ‘mom’ or 'dad' more often than you use their pet name or first name?
• You HAVE to prepare their food a certain way so they will eat it.  Or do you make something special just for them? Different from what everyone else is eating? 
• You have to remind them that they need a hair cut or that they need to shave or that they need clothes ironed or that they need to brush their teeth. Your marriage should NOT be filled with nit-picky behavior.  These things are not meant that you should NEVER point them out, but we know marraiges where this is a DAILY thing.  Just picking out EVERYTHING. 
• You have to remind him of holidays or birthdays. You have to make sure he purchases gifts… even for you.   This is NOT to say you are not called to HELP, but you might just need to NOT get a present for Mother's Day, birthday, anniversary.....those are sacrifices you can make if you don't want to be your husband's mom. Do I (Serena) get presents for everyone else...YES, as it would not get done. BUT there have been many holidays/birthdays/anniversaries where I get nothing....I am not going to do it. 
• Does your husband prefer to play video games or watch his action flicks than snuggle or talk to you?  Or, for women, do you prefer your blog reading, Facebook, or chats with girlfriends MORE than you do time with your husband?  Your spouse should be a priority....and sometimes it's because the roles of PARENT has overtaken the role of SPOUSE.   

 When the toilet overflows does he come running to you?

Do you ask him what he wants for dinner, all of the time?

It is perfectly fine and natural to care for and love the men/women in our lives. The key is making sure your spouse doesn’t get lumped into the ‘child’ category. It can be difficult to do, too, especially if you have a partner who likes to be mothered. BUT it's not healthy, as it will get old.  God made you male and female...not parent and child.

But at the beginning of creation God made them male and female. For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh. So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate. Mark 10:6-7

Your husband is leaving his parents, not to have you replace one of them. Your wife is now a part of you...no longer does she find her identity in her parents.  Both of you are to be ONE flesh with one another.  You can't be one flesh with your child; that would be known as incest.  Remember the roles that you and your spouse is supposed to play.  It's husband and wife; no longer two but one flesh.

Josh and Serena

His Needs, Her Needs

Yesterday, as we were talking about our unmet needs, it made us realize a point of contention that happens quite frequently between husbands and wives.  It has the potential to be a huge issue between spouses.  The issue is the needs of men and women; men need sex, women need conversation from the heart.  We know that this is pretty general and that there are exceptions but the resolution to the problem remains the same.

The reason that the "sex vs. conversation" issue is a constant problem for most married couples is that we don't understand each other.  It has been this way since all of us were small children.  Remember back to younger days with us...

Boys tend to climb trees, play with frogs, find ways to "kill" each other with sandwiches bitten into the shape of guns, and laugh when our friends get hurt.  That is just the way boys are!  That is how we learn to socialize and resolve conflicts with our other boy friends.  Girls, on the other hand, learn to socialize by playing with dolls, pretending to cook, play dress up, and have slumber parties where they stay up half the night and dream about their future wedding day.

We are different at our very core.  When a boy starts to like a girl, he doesn't endeavor to show it to her in sophisticated means.  He doesn't write poetry or adore her in song.  He doesn't do the things that would make her swoon.  How does a boy in grade school start to show his interest in the girl that sits in front of him?  He pulls her hair!  How ignorant, and yet, somehow normal for a boy.

Boys, as the turn into men, don't usually stop this kind of behavior.  It's no longer hair pulling but has now turned into more masculine displays but still ignorant.  You see, boys don't understand that women don't get turned on all that much with the overtly masculine displays that he thinks should do the trick.  What the boy needs to learn in order to woo the women that he cares for is to use his words and his brain.

Girls, as the begin to become interested in boys, began fantasizing about life with that boy.  Things like writing out their name with his last name, what the wedding will be like, where they will live, etc.  Often too shy to make the approach to the one that they are attracted to, they use their mind and emotions to become connected to their boy.  And girls, as they become women, continue this behavior only with more details thrown in.  They dream that their man will come in on a white horse with shining armor, whose mouth delivers words of affirmation and love with the sweetness of honey.

All of this is fine and good for children but for married couples this becomes a problem.  After the honeymoon, here is what happens...

He comes to expect her to be ready for a romp in the hay at moment's notice.  Why?  Because he, being the awesome working man that he is, just arrived home from battlefield of work where he fought for his daily bread.  On his way home, he is thinking, "She should be so grateful because I work so hard that I will bet money that she is bed waiting for me to walk, triumphantly, through the door!"

Problem is that she is not and has actually had a doozy of day juggling kid's, household work, and her morning sickness.  She wants nothing more than for her husband to walk in the door, swoop her up in his arms, and ask, "Dear, how was your day?" with nothing but absolute care and compassion in his voice.  He proceeds to listen intently and asks provoking and carefully thought questions about what has been going on a Jr's preschool and how she is feeling now that she is past her first trimester.

Problem is that he doesn't and is totally confused as he walks into the house and finds reality and his ideal world look nothing alike.  She is just as confused as to why he is so distant and cold to her.  It's bit exaggerated but you get the idea...

The husband's need for a physical connection (sex) and the wife's need for an emotional connection (conversation) are basically the same.  They are inherent to each one's core make-up.  Both needs are vital to their feelings of success.  When a husband is satisfied emotionally, he is more prone to chat it up and care about his wife.  When the wife is genuinely cared for and allowed the time and room to bare her soul, she is more ready to bare her body to her husband.

Here is where the breakdown between husbands and wives becomes ugly.  The husband thinks, "Since she won't put out for me, I will play the emotional terrorist, tune her out, and not talk to her!"  The wife thinks, "Since he won't care about me and my day, I will hide my beauty and the body that he wants like it's Area 51!"  It's THE single most ugly cycle that married couples find themselves.  All because they don't understand each other.

Here is the solution for those that want to stop the cycle.  Husbands, even though you want nothing more than to find her standing at the door begging for you, take the extra time to forsake your needs and talk to your wife.  Ask about her day, what she has been thinking about, what her and the Lord have been talking about, etc.  If you will genuinely do this with purpose and passion, it will not be long before you won't be able to keep up with her!  Wives, you may have had the longest day in the history of womanhood and only want to unload on your husband about your trials, but recognize that as bad as you want to talk he wants to be with you physically just as bad.  Take care of your husband and soon he will begin to talk YOUR ear off!

Your needs are the same only manifested differently.  When you begin to understand that your spouse wants to connect with you in their own way as much as you want to in your own way, you can learn to meet the needs of your spouse out of compassion.  Withholding what your spouse wants is cruel and unusual...would you want your needs withheld from you?  Make the sacrifice and do for your spouse first.

Luke 6:31

Do to others as you would like them to do to you.

Josh and Serena

Unmet Needs

If you are listening you will hear most stay-at-home mommies complain about not having enough adult conversation in their day.  For some odd reason they don't enjoy and relish their in depth conversations with 2 and 3 year olds.  Strange....

A common complaint coming from the camp of men is that they don't get enough sex.  Even if they are getting it 3+ days a week...it's not enough.  Is it ever?  (HAHAHAHA)

The point is not about women not having enough conversation or men not getting enough sex.  The point is that all of us have needs that sometime, or maybe all too often, go unmet.  For us to make this grounds for divorce or separation is ludicrous!  If we believe that another imperfect human being can somehow fulfill all of our needs, we are believing a lie.

You are imperfect; your spouse is imperfect.  We get mad and irritated when that other imperfect person in our life does not meet all of our own imperfect needs.  If you, as the more sexually-charged member of your marriage, become mad that you are not getting enough sex maybe you should ask if you are giving the other what they are needing.  Or if you are mad because they want more frisky behavior and all you want is some more adult conversation, ask yourself are you giving it up first?  Sounds a bit hypocritical, huh?

If we are honest with ourselves we will have to admit that we have dismissed our spouses needs only to push for the fulfillment of our own.  Not only hypocritical....how selfish of us!  And we (Josh and Serena) are no exceptions.  We have done this over and over again.  Not as often but still it can be an issue.

However, life is all about cycles.  Cycles of sin, of depression, of success, of increase...cycles are present all around us.  Women have a monthly cycle that men learn early on to give a wide berth to.  Men have them too!  It sometimes takes women...and men...to learn the guy's cycle.  But, I digress...

Cycles...we all have them.  If you can honestly look at your life and the cycle of your marriage, you will see that their are times when you get all the sex you can handle, men, and you get all the conversation you bring forth, women.  It's not about actually having a need that is unmet.  It's about not having the need met when you demand it.  That is what makes us most angry.

But, all of this is beside the point.  Here is what the Word of God says about it...

Philippians 4:19

And my God will meet all your needs

according to the riches of his glory in Christ Jesus.



Often we hear this preached and taught that this is in reference to the material, financial, and tangible needs that we have.  Why do we limit the ability and resources of God?  If His Word says that He will meet ALL of our needs, doesn't He mean ALL of our needs?  Not only the monetary and material but also the emotional, spiritual, and....yes, sexual needs.  It may seem weird to think about God being able to meet our sexual needs but the Creator made our bodies; I think He has knowledge sufficient to know how to satisfy or suppress those needs.

If your need is for more in depth, heart-felt communication and you are unable at this time to get it from your spouse, talk to God.  He is a great listener but He also has more than enough to say that it will far exceed the fulfillment of your need.  If you need more of the physical type of love (sex), look to God.  He will be able to quench that longing in your physical body by giving you more to deal with in the spiritual realm that you will forget about that minor need.

Whatever you need, God's got it.  He's ready to give it to you...just ask.

Josh and Serena

Default Settings

Do you know what your default settings are?  That is, what are your reactions or behaviors based on your instincts or experiences?  If not, you need to find out what they are.In the world of computers, the default settings are what you use to reset when things have become messed up and you need to start over with restored settings.  In a marriage though the wrong defaults can cause serious harm and permanent damage (intentional or unintentional) if left unchecked.

When you get into an argument with your spouse and they are not seeming to get your point, what do you do?  Raise your voice...to the point of screaming?  Do you tear of the emotional scab to reveal a festering wound in the life of your spouse?  Do you criticize or cut them down?  Or maybe none of these hit home-maybe you just check out...you know, turn off the volume to their voice in your ears?  Do you leave the house...practicing the leaving of your spouse?  Do you throw things?  Break stuff?  Or do you use artificial stimulants (alcohol or drugs-Rx or illegal) to help you cope with the situation?  Maybe you just accept the blame for the fight and sweep it under the rug and make it go away (This can be just as bad as any of the others).  This is not an all inclusive list.  We think you get the idea...you can fill in your own default setting.

Here's the point-if you have destructive defaults they are just that....DESTRUCTIVE!!  They don't help the situation; they only make it worse.  They don't build up; they only tear down.  When we resort to our destructive defaults we are never able to establish a foundation upon which good things can be built.

As you read this the Holy Spirit is already revealing things to you about the way you react to your spouse.  You might be asking yourself how they got there in the first place.  They may have taken root in your life when you were young.  You may have seen your parents or other people present in your life at an impressionable age do those thing and they instilled them in you.  Maybe those destructive defaults came from your own undisciplined life and habits.  They may have come from something that gave you comfort at a very difficult time in your life.

For me (Josh) one of the my destructive defaults is (was) mentally checking out...to the point of sleeping.  Whenever I get stressed or agitated, I want to sleep.  I sleep great anyways, without having stress in my life.  I can pretty much sleep anywhere...quickly!!  But, when I sleep I don't have to deal with the reality or gravity of the situation.  It is so much easier to check out and take a nap than it is deal with Serena and the situation at hand.  It is not a good default but it is something that I endeavor to change.  It was so bad that when we were in the hospital having our first child I slept through Serena's water breaking, nurses checking in, and most of 24 hours of steadily increasing, Pitoccin-induced contractions.  I know, I know....BAD DEFAULT!!  (But, humorous to look back on now!)

For me (Serena) one of my biggest destructive defaults is the desire to leave the situation...to the point of driving away without telling Josh.  It is something that I have put a MAJOR stop to but, I must admit, that the desire has yet to leave.  Now, fortunately, Josh and I get into so few BIG fights that it's really not an issue.  Still, it is something that is destructive to the foundation of our marriage.  I was the one that stood for Josh and our marriage and the devil would want to use my desire to leave (for some alone time) to speak lies to Josh that I am not coming back.

Whatever reason you have those distinct defaults, it is not acceptable to keep them.  Not if you are desiring to improve or save your marriage, that is.  You must identify them and then replace them with new defaults.  New, CONSTRUCTIVE settings that you put in place of the old, destructive ones.  This will not be easy but it is possible.

Constructive default settings look like this- praying for your spouse when you would rather tell them off, serving them when they are undeserving, humbling yourself and remaining quiet when you have words that are unkind, showing love even when it hurts, choosing never to believe that evil reports that the enemy would speak against your spouse, building them up when they have torn you down.  Again, the Holy Spirit is speaking to you now about what you can do to replace the old with the new.  Listen to Him and then obey.

Like we said, this will not be easy.  It will go against your seemingly natural, knee-jerk reactions.  But, with time and practice these new defaults will become your own.  These new defaults will speak volumes to your spouse.  Often times when we argue with our spouse, each of us will be enabling our destructive defaults.  And, we wind up in the same place each time...NOWHERE!!  However, if you are able to change your defaults, you will force (ever so gently, of course) your spouse to respond differently.

Don't let destructive defaults run your marriage.  Change them and let your defaults become Christ-honoring and watch your marriage blossom.

Josh and Serena