Fence Me In....Please!!

So, here is a topic that DESPERATELY needs to be addressed, and we will probably continue to address.   It is one that has been neglected by most everyone and yet needs to be maintained at all costs.  This is important for everyone but especially important to the married person; vitally important to the one who is standing for the restoration of their marriage.

It is boundaries.  Boundaries in our actions, boundaries in our words and conversation, boundaries in our relationships...specifically, our relationships with those of the opposite sex.

If we listen to our culture today we would think that there is no need for boundaries with the opposite sex.  We would hear that males and females can remain platonic friends, best friends even, without the involvement of amorous feelings and emotions.  We would hear that males and females can work together in the workplace without any type of emotional connection being formed.  We would also hear that if your spouse  has a bff of the opposite sex that you are to be alright with it.

All of this could not be further from the truth!

The boundaries that we set up with the opposite sex now, could and most likely, will save you a lifetime of heartache later.  We cannot put ourselves in close proximity to a member of the opposite sex and not expect to be drawn closer to them.  It is the simple laws of attraction between men and women.  If you hang around with someone long enough, eventually, there will be a connection deeper than what is appropriate.

If you create the type of boundaries that we are talking about you will be looked down upon, maybe ridiculed, or even shunned.  We have seen this firsthand in our lives.  A few years back, while we were still recovering and being restored, some people that we began to form a friendship with had a bit of a hard time handling our boundaries.  As we were hanging out with them frequently, we exchanged cell numbers so we could stay in touch.  After a while the wife began to text me (Josh) for no apparent reason.  She never said or did anything inappropriate but the frequency began to be a problem.  So, I (Serena) made it very clear to stop texting my husband and then explained why--even said it was NOT about her but about us. That was pretty much the end of the friendship at the time.  This woman did not understand because she had never been taught.  Some time later, she began to understand and made a full apology to Serena for the fallout of that incident.  She now understands and keeps her distance from Josh.  We had established our boundaries and would not compromise them, even for friends. It can break your heart, but it's better that....than breaking your marriage.

Even more recently, we encountered a couple that we really liked.  They had a larger family than most of our friends (not more than us though) and were homeschoolers like us.  We felt a draw to them and invited them over for dinner.  It was a great night.  Less than a week later, Josh received a phone call from the husband's phone but the wife was calling.  We had made our boundaries known during the dinner earlier that week, through a conversation about our past.  When she called her first words were, "I know that this will probably destroy our friendship but _____."  Our new friends were in marital distress and she was still aware of our boundaries and was very sorry for having to violate them.  Well, by those being here first words made it very clear that she understood what boundaries were and was honoring of them. The friendship we have today would not be the same if it were not for those boundaries in place, and we cherish our relationship with them. It's safe: for them, and us!
I (Josh) was always for the concept of boundaries but always wanted to make sure that the exceptions to the rule were clear.  Such as...if I saw a woman stranded on the side of the road I was obliged to help since I would want a great man to stop to help my wife if she were stranded.  The scenario that you can imagine where you drop the fences and expose your most vulnerable areas is the same scenario that the enemy will cause to happen.  Once, while I was working at a client's house, a horse that she owned bit off the tip of her finger!  I know, huh?  This kind of stuff never happens!  She came running to me and was begging me to drive her in her car to the hospital.  Sounds legit, right?  Well, the back story was that I was only a few weeks from being caught having an affair (before I ran from Serena and God).  Serena and I had been having conversations about boundaries and where they needed to be.  I made sure to keep the exceptions there....and sure enough, the enemy made them happen.  One of our biggest fights after I returned home from my adulterous life was one about a hypothetical situation involving a single woman, a snowstorm, a broke down vehicle, her house, and a cup of coffee.  Long story short...I didn't understand the NEED for specific boundaries in our relationship.

So, what do proper boundaries look like?  We will give you some things in how it look for us.  This is not definitive but ever evolving as life and situations change.  But, the core of 'why' never changes.  The 'why' is that our marriage is, apart from our individual salvation and relationship with Christ, THE MOST IMPORTANT THING WE HAVE!!

First, we do NOT make a point to spend much time in communication with the opposite sex.  That means email, Facebook, phone calls, or face to face.  Whenever one of us is in a position to be in communication with the opposite sex, we tell the other one.  Even if it is a simple hello while passing each other in the halls of church, we tell.  Complete transparency is the goal.  If anything is ever said or done that has to be hid, it is more than likely inappropriate.

Secondly, we do not have friends of the opposite sex.  By friends I mean people that we allow to get close to us on an individual basis.  We have many couples that we are close to that we do life with and share our hearts with.  But, even within that context, the opposite spouses do NOT contact the others apart from the presence of their respective spouses.  This is not meant to be suffocating; it is liberating.  We can be friends with people that share our beliefs about boundaries.  And even if it was suffocating and we had no friends, so what?  Our marriage is worth the sacrifice.

And speaking of friends, we don't have friends that do not FULLY support the boundaries that we have established.  Not only that, they have boundaries in their own marriages that are similar to ours.  That is only more insulation.

Now, in our age of the Internet, email, and Facebook, we must be even more cautious.  If you were to look at our respective Facebook accounts or Internet activity or email accounts you will not find anything that our spouse does not know.  Serena knows about every female that I am friends with on Facebook and has approved them; Josh knows and has approved of everyone on my account.  Sometimes, we have to say ''No" to certain people that we do not feel would be a beneficial friend to have for our spouse.  It might even mean defriending people that prove to be...shady.  It may seem mean to those being denied but, again, our marriage is worth the sacrifice.

And since we are on the subject of Facebook, Internet, and the like....your spouse needs to know ALL of your accounts in social media world and, even more crucial, ALL of your passwords to those accounts!!  Every single last one of them!!  Nothing hidden, nothing held back.  That means to your email accounts, Facebook and Myspace (and whatever social networking that you do), and cell phones (all of them...work and personal).

It would appear obvious, but....we do NOT ride in a car with a member of the opposite sex....we do NOT allow ourselves to be alone with a member of the opposite sex...we do NOT jeopardize our reputation by letting our guard down.  When our guard goes down, the devil will strike.  He doesn't want to battle you when you are prepared for him.

So, set those boundaries!  Build those fences!!  Establish those walls!!  Keep you and your spouse safe from the attack of the enemy!  The fences and boundaries may seem confining at first but will allow you more freedom to further establish a deep relationship with your spouse and keep you safe from marauding friendships!

Josh and Serena