We have mentioned ultimatums in the past. An ultimatum (Latin: the last one) is a demand whose fulfillment is requested in a specified period of time and which is backed up by a threat to be followed through in case of noncompliance. An ultimatum is generally the final demand in a series of requests. As such, the time allotted is usually short, and the request is understood not to be open to further negotiation. We have used them in our marriage before but it never became more clear how useless they are until our marriage fell apart. Ultimatums are those quick fixes. From the outside I (Josh) complied with all of the demands Serena made after she caught me in what she thought was my first affair. We argued about a few ultimatums in order for me to keep up appearances, but I pretty much kept my part of HER deals...at least that was what she thought. I didn't call the other woman on my phone...the one she knew about. I (Serena) would check every phone call Josh made, and he let me. He was willing to let me see his computer, his phone, and his e-mail. He was so "open," because I demanded it. But, as we learned through trial and error that this is not how marriage restoration happens. I (Serena) was demanding that my ultimatums were met only to find out that there was no lasting change. Ultimatums, as we learned, are only good for bringing about short-term change; they are a quick fix and only allow for a shallow relationship.
When people ask HOW we built trust back in our marriage it was not from demands being met; those are so superficial. We absolutely believe in boundaries needing to be set, but we have also learned they mean NOTHING if the heart isn't right. Separate cell phones, separate e-mail accounts, and hidden stashes of money were only a few of the things that Josh kept hidden. How can you put ultimatums on things you don't know about? You can demand your spouse wear their wedding ring, but are they taking it off before they leave the drive way? This post isn't meant to make you wonder about all of the lies that COULD be happening it's to make us aware that our superficial desire for a QUICK, OUTWARD fix means nothing in the long run.
Is the prayer you have been praying selfish? Have you been praying for your spouse to come back to you? Or do you desire more for your spouse and your marriage? If you are truly loving your spouse you would have to admit that you would rather have them get a changed heart than just come back to you. Wouldn't you rather them have a heart that grieves at the thought of disappointing God instead of disappointing you?
A heart that desires God and burns to know Him more is a heart that is able to build trust.
We are not saying that you should not be checking cell phones or email accounts OCCASIONALLY (We emphasize this "occasionally" because you can drive yourself crazy trying to keep up on every single call or email!). But, your checking up on your spouse is like shining a dim flashlight with dying batteries into vast unending darkness. Begin to pray for your spouse and ask that the Holy Spirit to start shining some light into their life. Besides, who is better at shining LIGHT into dark places; you or God? God is and if you are seeking His face continually, He will reveal truth. Josh being honest about the past is a very good thing...but it's NOT everything. Josh being honest is more about HIS recovery than mine.
So....you still want to fish with your old bait of ultimatums? Or would you rather change your tactics and have greater success?
Josh and Serena
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