Default Settings

Do you know what your default settings are?  That is, what are your reactions or behaviors based on your instincts or experiences?  If not, you need to find out what they are.In the world of computers, the default settings are what you use to reset when things have become messed up and you need to start over with restored settings.  In a marriage though the wrong defaults can cause serious harm and permanent damage (intentional or unintentional) if left unchecked.

When you get into an argument with your spouse and they are not seeming to get your point, what do you do?  Raise your voice...to the point of screaming?  Do you tear of the emotional scab to reveal a festering wound in the life of your spouse?  Do you criticize or cut them down?  Or maybe none of these hit home-maybe you just check out...you know, turn off the volume to their voice in your ears?  Do you leave the house...practicing the leaving of your spouse?  Do you throw things?  Break stuff?  Or do you use artificial stimulants (alcohol or drugs-Rx or illegal) to help you cope with the situation?  Maybe you just accept the blame for the fight and sweep it under the rug and make it go away (This can be just as bad as any of the others).  This is not an all inclusive list.  We think you get the idea...you can fill in your own default setting.

Here's the point-if you have destructive defaults they are just that....DESTRUCTIVE!!  They don't help the situation; they only make it worse.  They don't build up; they only tear down.  When we resort to our destructive defaults we are never able to establish a foundation upon which good things can be built.

As you read this the Holy Spirit is already revealing things to you about the way you react to your spouse.  You might be asking yourself how they got there in the first place.  They may have taken root in your life when you were young.  You may have seen your parents or other people present in your life at an impressionable age do those thing and they instilled them in you.  Maybe those destructive defaults came from your own undisciplined life and habits.  They may have come from something that gave you comfort at a very difficult time in your life.

For me (Josh) one of the my destructive defaults is (was) mentally checking out...to the point of sleeping.  Whenever I get stressed or agitated, I want to sleep.  I sleep great anyways, without having stress in my life.  I can pretty much sleep anywhere...quickly!!  But, when I sleep I don't have to deal with the reality or gravity of the situation.  It is so much easier to check out and take a nap than it is deal with Serena and the situation at hand.  It is not a good default but it is something that I endeavor to change.  It was so bad that when we were in the hospital having our first child I slept through Serena's water breaking, nurses checking in, and most of 24 hours of steadily increasing, Pitoccin-induced contractions.  I know, I know....BAD DEFAULT!!  (But, humorous to look back on now!)

For me (Serena) one of my biggest destructive defaults is the desire to leave the situation...to the point of driving away without telling Josh.  It is something that I have put a MAJOR stop to but, I must admit, that the desire has yet to leave.  Now, fortunately, Josh and I get into so few BIG fights that it's really not an issue.  Still, it is something that is destructive to the foundation of our marriage.  I was the one that stood for Josh and our marriage and the devil would want to use my desire to leave (for some alone time) to speak lies to Josh that I am not coming back.

Whatever reason you have those distinct defaults, it is not acceptable to keep them.  Not if you are desiring to improve or save your marriage, that is.  You must identify them and then replace them with new defaults.  New, CONSTRUCTIVE settings that you put in place of the old, destructive ones.  This will not be easy but it is possible.

Constructive default settings look like this- praying for your spouse when you would rather tell them off, serving them when they are undeserving, humbling yourself and remaining quiet when you have words that are unkind, showing love even when it hurts, choosing never to believe that evil reports that the enemy would speak against your spouse, building them up when they have torn you down.  Again, the Holy Spirit is speaking to you now about what you can do to replace the old with the new.  Listen to Him and then obey.

Like we said, this will not be easy.  It will go against your seemingly natural, knee-jerk reactions.  But, with time and practice these new defaults will become your own.  These new defaults will speak volumes to your spouse.  Often times when we argue with our spouse, each of us will be enabling our destructive defaults.  And, we wind up in the same place each time...NOWHERE!!  However, if you are able to change your defaults, you will force (ever so gently, of course) your spouse to respond differently.

Don't let destructive defaults run your marriage.  Change them and let your defaults become Christ-honoring and watch your marriage blossom.

Josh and Serena