“I have a headache"

Excuses for not doing what God commands has gotten out of control....and a lot better reasons for not having sex. This is so sad, as each time a spouse comes together in this way--it's a picture of Christ. 

Satan wants to destroy this aspect of your married life first and foremost, as it represents the love of Christ for His people.  If we could encourage those of you right now who keep coming up with reasons why you can't have sex to stop it...THIS is what it would look like....so keep reading.  Looking at some of our excuses MIGHT just help us see how Satan will use anything and everything to keep a husband and wife apart. 

Getting out of sex has long been a running joke – and reality – of long-term relationships. The typical scenario depicts the man getting turned down time and time again. But it seems the joke has gotten old, at least in OUR minds.  In fact, it has gotten so bad that both spouses turn each other down, not just the woman.

For both genders, “I’m too tired” is the most common cop-out. Others that we ourselves have used or have heard others use were:

— I’m not in the mood.

— I’ve got to get up early in the morning.

— I’m preoccupied with work.

— I’m angry with you.

— I can hear one of the children.

— You need a shower.

— I’ve got a bad back.

__I could get pregnant.
__I have to cook dinner.
__I just put lipstick on.

Oh, and there are more......LOTS more!!!

No matter what the reason, all sorts of reactions come when people use excuses for getting out of sex. Of course, if somebody doesn’t want to have sex, they shouldn’t be forced or pressured into having sex. “No” means “no”; however, far too many people are using NO as an excuse far too often. If you find yourself regularly avoiding sexual intimacy, there are situations where excuses are downright lame, if not insulting to your spouse. We have heard so many stories in the last 12 years of couples having sex once ever 6 months?!?!  What?!?  No, this is NOT acceptable.  This is dangerous ground.  During our separation, God did  AMAZING things in Serena's heart, even when Josh was being absolutely WICKED. GOD can keep your heart soft, and you can love with a love that you could not have imagined. 

Sex excuses that deserve a thumbs down include, but not limited to.....(compiled from a list found online)

You’re too exhausted to have sex. And yes, there are days when you’re too exhausted. At the same time, sex can be wonderfully energizing or give you an amazing night of sleep, which is ultimately restorative, so start thinking about these things when you continue to turn your spouse down. (you might be avoiding a night of delicious, sweet sleep)  

You’ve got things to do. Guess what? We all do. And all of that stuff will be there for you to do tomorrow. Yes, it’s hard to get in a sexy state of mind when you’re preoccupied with a to-do list. But consider the stress relief that’s to be had....yes, we ARE gonna be THAT bold.  Studies have shown that having sex more reduces stress. Can you imagine how special your spouse will feel if you put your "plans" aside for them? 

You’re on a sexual hiatus till the economy improves. Yes, can you believe this is one we have read? The recession is being blamed for wreaking havoc on sex lives! Sure, bad news doesn’t exactly breed sexual desire. If this is an excuse for you...start tuning out the media and turn on your partner. It might take effort at first. Financial worries ARE a big concern in marriages today, but there’s no better excuse for taking care of each other than times of hardship. In that shared moment of intimacy the worries can be forgotten.

You've got a headache.  Do you realize that an orgasm is a great pain reliever?  No, I am NOT kidding. A South Illinois School Of Medicine study on 52 migraine sufferers reported that 16 experienced considerable relief after an orgasm and another eight had their headaches completely gone. No reason now to say, "Not tonight honey, I'm having a headache."  According to modern research there are many health benefits to having sex. However, we believe those benefits are only evident when sex is exercised within the confines of a marriage covenant.  More reasons?

You’ve already settled down for sleep. Yes, we get you don't REALLY want to be interrupted, but are you being selfish?  With your body totally relaxed, consider this the best time for your sexual response. You’re likelier to be more responsive to touch. So take out your retainer (have you watched Date Night?)...and stop with the excuses. 

You’re not feeling beautiful. We all have those days when we’re not feeling gorgeous.  Turning down sex with your spouse because you have a negative body image you are passing up opportunities for letting yourself be loved. If your spouse desires you, they like your look. Let them love you--stop being so selfish. 

You haven’t shaved. (had to share this one...as I (Serena) have definitely used this one when I haven't shaved my legs) Humans have body hair. (Gasp!) And when they’re in the mood, most can overlook that you’re sporting your natural look. If you can't...then MAKE SURE YOU ARE SHAVED.   

Honest or not, at the end of the day, sex excuses hurt your partner. It’s painful to get routinely rejected, especially when you take a hard look at reasons that can be adequately dealt with if you really evaluate your motives.  To regularly be turned down because you are too tense, had an argument with your boss, too cold or hot, couldn’t tear yourself away from a terrific movie, and any others you might use can really only cause harm and a distance in your relationship. 

When we have discussed our sexual life, we sometimes realize that we have developed bad habits in excusing ourselves from one of the most important aspects to a fulfilling marriage.  Yes, we said it....but somebody has to....Satan sure knows it...so don't let him WIN this area.   

If the last few months you have read our posts and compared your spouse to the things we talk about and get negative about how they are not "meeting your standards" and you get bent out of shape.....has it affected your intimacy???  We want to make sure that your eyes are OPEN to the attacks of Satan...THIS COMPARING your spouse to what YOU believe is right can lead to some VERY destructive habits.  Your intimacy with your spouse should be based in LOVING them...remember what love is???  God has called you to fulfill your spouses sexual needs--NO ONE ELSE, so stop coming up with excuses. 

Be ready to satisfy your spouse sexually when they need it, if it’s not convenient for you, tell him/her in a very polite and loving way. For women especially, if a man wants sex and doesn’t get it, here is what will happen: his bodily passions will build up and your refusal will feel like punishment.  By doing this you are putting him in a very vulnerable position to look for it elsewhere and I tell you........you do NOT want your spouse to start this lifestyle. Be their protection.  AND be obedient to the commands given in God's Word. 

1 Corinthians 7:2-5 (The Message)

Certainly—but only within a certain context. It's good for a man to have a wife, and for a woman to have a husband. Sexual drives are strong, but marriage is strong enough to contain them and provide for a balanced and fulfilling sexual life in a world of sexual disorder. The marriage bed must be a place of mutuality—the husband seeking to satisfy his wife, the wife seeking to satisfy her husband. Marriage is not a place to "stand up for your rights." Marriage is a decision to serve the other, whether in bed or out. Abstaining from sex is permissible for a period of time if you both agree to it, and if it's for the purposes of prayer and fasting—but only for such times. Then come back together again. Satan has an ingenious way of tempting us when we least expect it. I'm not, understand, commanding these periods of abstinence—only providing my best counsel if you should choose them.

Josh and Serena