15

When Josh came home, I NEEDED to talk.  I needed to talk through all of the stuff that we went through, were going through, and what was still to come.  I needed an outlet to release everything that had been pent up for those days, weeks, months, and years.  However, the problem that we faced was that I was a woman and Josh was a man.

What I mean is that women like to talk and men, well, DON'T.  Josh knew it had to be done but that didn't change the way the he was wired.  However, we didn't talk about lots of this for some time.  It wasn't until we were in CO that we began to really work through the mess.  After we decided to begin talking through it we spent many nights in deep discussions about everything.  Much of it was stuff that we had already talked about the night before but I needed to hear about it again.  Josh tried to endure the questioning but it began to be too much for him.  I could see that visibly he was getting frustrated by the constant talking in circles.

So, we came to an arrangement.  Since, he was willing to talk but could not go on for hours and I needed to talk and could go on indefinitely, we decided that after the kids were in bed we would talk for 15 minutes.  Nothing was off limits, nothing held back.  But, after 15 minutes were over we would move onto something else...a movie, some Wii, other chores, etc.  This time was invaluable for us.

Two things happened during this time; 1. I spent my time away from Josh deciding what I would ask him to make the most of the time we had allocated to it.  2. Josh didn't get frustrated by the conversation that HAD to take place.  By Josh not being tired of talking he would be able to open up about other things on his own.  By giving me a finite amount of time to ask, I made sure that what I asked was really necessary for my healing and our well-being. AND gradually 15 minutes EVERY day was really too much, as I realized that I didn't really need to go over the same stuff.  BUT when I was talking in circles every night I would forget, so I had to ask again.  I also began to see that talking about the past really WASN'T bringing any healing.

Really think about your time and see if it's helping or hurting--the endless talking is not as helpful as you might think.  The quality time we spent playing games, watching movies, and talking about other stuff....that brought healing.  When we talked into the night about the hurt and pain there was NO time for the stuff that really helps.