Are You My Mother?

You may just think your spouse needs a LOT of mothering? Maybe you think they didn't have a good mom?  Or maybe they had such a helpful mom that YOU are paying for the fact that as an adult they STILL need a mom? The roles in marriage have been so confused, that some of these topics are more easily switched, as well.  Husbands are NOW feeling they have to parent their wives.  It's not just wives mothering their husbands.

If your eyes open one day and you discover that your relationship with your partner is no longer romantic and it has changed into a parent/child relationship, take a good look at yourself and see what you are doing to parent them.  After all, it is hard to respect a spouse and look at them as sexually attractive if you are treating them as a child. So, since the last few days we have discussed the NEEDS of a spouse, maybe you need to see what things you are doing that might be hindering your relationship.  It might be YOUR actions and instincts of "parenting."

Because we do believe this is something women struggle with more, it may seem lop-sided.  This is NOT taking away from the power of a father's influence.  BUT women who have had children know all about the mothering instinct, even the newest of moms. The mothering instinct is strong and it is amazing.  How does a mom KNOW her newborn is hungry even before the baby makes a sound.  Over the years it amazes me how I can awake in the midddle of the night, thinking I heard something.....and realize it was nothing.....but 5 seconds later the baby wakes.  Moms gain amazing God-given powers.  Being pregnant can even seem like an extra dose of spiritual awareness--no, I am not kidding.  There are so many powers, moms ought to have a superhero costume with a big ‘M’ emblazoned across our chests! I might just have to get one of these someday....

All kidding aside though, mothers are great at giving advice.  We are great at seeing things ahead of time. We have the ability to sense danger, and then we automatically give warnings.  It's like we can forsee the future, and those of us with the power of the Holy Spirit, well, it's like DOUBLE power in regards to giving those warnings.  With our children it's amazing what Mommy can tell just by the attitudes and responses given during certain conversations.  Moms sense when quiet REALLY means mischief is in the making.  If our children tell a lie it's like we knew it ahead of time.  Moms have an incredible amount of strength when we feel our children are in danger or need our help. Our touch can soothe a distressed heart and our kisses can make things better; when our children are sick we can almost sense when they are going to cry before they even make a sound. We can do all of this and more… and sometimes only on a few hours of sleep! All of the moms or even moms at heart KNOW this is SO TRUE.

The mothering instinct is so powerful and consuming, is it any wonder that many moms slowly discover they have become their partner's mother? What?  Not you?  Or maybe you just read all of those things and thought, "How does this happen?" It all goes back to our superhero mothering instinct. It is incredibly strong; you might even think to the times where you have thought of how you could be a better mother to someone else's child.  Or you can't seem to turn away another stray cat or dog or bird, or bunny?  When females become moms, most of us just instinctively know how to care and love things. 

BUT you are not called to be your husband's mother!!! 

If you have found that your relationship with your partner has shifted and you feel more like your spouse's parent instead of their friend, lover, and partner you may have some work to do. It is very easy to mother a spouse, especially if the spouse enjoys it! 

Let's ask Josh...Can you blame a guy for letting his wife mother him? Who doesn’t like to be mothered and cared for?  It's hard to blame a guy for being cared for like a mother would.  You're right...who wouldn't want that?  But, in all honesty, it feels WAY better to be appreciated and cared for as a husband and lover than as a child!  I love my mom and I enjoy it when she loves me back as only she can.  But I am no longer in her house, no longer needing the care that she would give me if I was still at home.  Even when I go home to visit my mom, I do not want to be treated like her little boy.  I am a man and expect to be treated as such.  I much rather prefer the treatment I receive from my wife.  She loves me like no other and can respect me like no one else.  She may cater to some of my needs but not because she is "mothering" me but rather she is honoring me as her head.  She recognizes my manhood and responds accordingly.

The problem is most men are happy to indulge in all the caretaking and nurturing......BUT when they are tired of it…then we are labeled a nag!  It is important that moms learn as early as possible how to recognize when they are mothering their spouses so they can stop it. God didn't design a marriage to be this way, because taking on the responsibility of becoming mommy to a man will leave a woman with no soft place to fall and resentment can build quickly.  Resentment leads to that HARD heart...and we KNOW where that leads.......

The other side of this issue is the man's role in fathering his wife.  Men are strong in body and steely within their spirits...at least they should be.  They are able to make snap decision that will usually stand up to scrutiny.  They have compartments and partitions inside of them that allow them to be able to do unthinkably difficult things with little to no lasting damage.  With their children, they are often strict and demanding, desiring for his kids to be better than he was.  He doesn't often have sympathy and compassion for skinned knees for very long.  He is always the fixer of his kid's problems....whether they be broken toys or dealing with neighborhood bullies.  He allows no direspect from his kids.

When it comes to his wife, he should be tender and loving with strong arms to hold her when things get rough.  But, if he develops a fathering complex with his wife, he becomes a different person.  No longer does the husband see his bride as his partner and confidant but rather as a child that needs tending to.  He pushes his wife to be better.  He often will make decision contrary to her counsel for no other reason than to be spiteful.  He gets on her case for leaving lights on, gives advice for keeping a better home, and generally tells her what to do and when to do it.  He talks down to her when he communicates with her.  He does not allow for her to be her own person; she needs to be who he wants her to be.

Here are some signs to watch out for...signs for both the wife and the husband:

• You have to help them find things they have lost--frequently. This is not to say you can't help look for something that is lost.
• You pick out your spouse's clothes for them.  Again, as you read these...it's not meant for the special occasion where you need input or actual help.  BUT you lay out underwear, socks and shoes--EVERYDAY?
• You are in charge of making your spouse's recreation plans. Let your spouse plan their OWN things. Wives, DO NOT whine that he did them before his "chores" were done.  Moms are the ones who feel everything NEEDS to be done to their standards before anything can be enjoyed...our husbands need to know that when their responsibilities are not being done that someone ELSE is going to bring this to their attention--NOT HIS WIFE!!   Pray those people INTO your spouse's life that will help them get their priorities STRAIGHT, if you feel they are "off!"  It does NOT need to be YOU that is making them "perfect!"  You can't do that, remember?
• Reminding your spouse of their chores!!  Seriousley?  Knock it off...it's JUST not your job. AND I am talking about things like the trash, dusting, dishes, toilets, or even mowing the lawn.  These are such obvious things--they can SEE that those things are not done. AND that does not mean I think you should be doing them. There have been times where I have put the garbage on the porch, but I am NOT taking it to the dumpster.  Use some common sense to see if you are always nagging about chores. 
• Remind them of their schedule of what needs to be done for the day--every day! I (Serena) don't need to be reminded that I have to teach the kid's school. I (Josh) do not need to be reminded of each little job I have for the day.  If your husband has not learned some work ethic those things are going to show up without YOU pointing them out.  He is going to get fired if he doesn't show up to work.  AND, my only thought on this....it might be hard if he loses his job, but do you want to spend the rest of your marriage mothering a boy or do you want him to be a man? 
• Do you call your spouse by ‘mom’ or 'dad' more often than you use their pet name or first name?
• You HAVE to prepare their food a certain way so they will eat it.  Or do you make something special just for them? Different from what everyone else is eating? 
• You have to remind them that they need a hair cut or that they need to shave or that they need clothes ironed or that they need to brush their teeth. Your marriage should NOT be filled with nit-picky behavior.  These things are not meant that you should NEVER point them out, but we know marraiges where this is a DAILY thing.  Just picking out EVERYTHING. 
• You have to remind him of holidays or birthdays. You have to make sure he purchases gifts… even for you.   This is NOT to say you are not called to HELP, but you might just need to NOT get a present for Mother's Day, birthday, anniversary.....those are sacrifices you can make if you don't want to be your husband's mom. Do I (Serena) get presents for everyone else...YES, as it would not get done. BUT there have been many holidays/birthdays/anniversaries where I get nothing....I am not going to do it. 
• Does your husband prefer to play video games or watch his action flicks than snuggle or talk to you?  Or, for women, do you prefer your blog reading, Facebook, or chats with girlfriends MORE than you do time with your husband?  Your spouse should be a priority....and sometimes it's because the roles of PARENT has overtaken the role of SPOUSE.   

 When the toilet overflows does he come running to you?

Do you ask him what he wants for dinner, all of the time?

It is perfectly fine and natural to care for and love the men/women in our lives. The key is making sure your spouse doesn’t get lumped into the ‘child’ category. It can be difficult to do, too, especially if you have a partner who likes to be mothered. BUT it's not healthy, as it will get old.  God made you male and female...not parent and child.

But at the beginning of creation God made them male and female. For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh. So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate. Mark 10:6-7

Your husband is leaving his parents, not to have you replace one of them. Your wife is now a part of you...no longer does she find her identity in her parents.  Both of you are to be ONE flesh with one another.  You can't be one flesh with your child; that would be known as incest.  Remember the roles that you and your spouse is supposed to play.  It's husband and wife; no longer two but one flesh.

Josh and Serena