Separation and Divorce

A question was recently asked of us, "Don't you think that there are some reasons for separation and divorce?"  We have sat on this for about a week before we answered.  We never want to respond to a question based upon our own preconceived ideas.

Our position is a complicated one.  We hope that we can properly convey it in this post.  Mind you, this is OUR position based upon what we have seen, experienced, and learned through the Word of God.

To begin, we would have to address the concept of divorce.  What we believe about divorce is based upon what we believe about God.  We have said it before...God is bigger!  Bigger than any sin, fault, or short-coming we may have, you may have, or that your spouse may have.  He is able to do AWESOME things with a person and for a person that is fully submitted to Him and His will...no matter where it may take them.  And because we believe that, we believe that no marital situation is beyond His ability to reconcile and restore.  Therefore, we believe that there is NO reason for divorce.  For us, divorce is a very black-and-white issue.  God is bigger, therefore, divorce is not a grey area

We do understand that the Bible does allow for divorce.  However, the only reason for divorce, that the Bible gives, is for infidelity.  It does not allow for "We grew apart" or "Irreconcilable differences".  This may sound harsh but it does not even allow for divorce in the case of abuse!  And the divorce that is legal, in the eyes of God, was only given because of the hardness of OUR heart, not because God was not big enough to do His work of restoration!  The final stipulation that God put on those that did end up with divorce was that they should not marry again!  That is the subject of a different post altogether.

Knowing how we believe about divorce, let us address the issue of separation.  This is where things can get tricky.  Changing your status from married to separated is beginning to walk on some very dangerous ground.  On one hand, we could argue that sometimes it is necessary; on the other, you are beginning to practice living as divorced people.  Who gets the responsibility of raising the kids?  What bills are paid by whom?  Who leaves and has to find a new residence and who stays in the home that you built together?  So many questions, so many unique situations.

If your reason for becoming separated is to give each other some space, it is the wrong reason.  It's practicing divorce.  However, if it is a time where one spouse is living a life that compromises the safety of the family unit, we could see some benefits to a moderated and accountable arrangement.  Whether it is abuse or promiscuity, there could be an argument made for separation.  In our opinion, if you are proceeding with a separation arrangement with the intent of coming together again at a later date, you need to be held to the standards of married life by a someone willing to call you on the carpet for your actions.  You need to find someone that will watch you closely and help you to insure that you are not preparing for divorce but rather standing for your marriage.

Another aspect that was asked of us was how kids are affected by this whole process.  What should you do when kids are involved?  We definitely do not think that you should endanger you children if a spouse is abusive; neither do we think that you should divorce your spouse because they are that way.  Ask God to reveal a solution to the issue at hand (your kids protection and your marital restoration) so that He would be glorified.  He is so creative in the way He works; you cannot find nor create a situation that He cannot handle. 

There is no set rulebook for marital restoration.  There is no program that can guarantee success.  It is too difficult to explain every imaginable scenario where a separation would be the way to go.  For inevitably, the enemy of our souls will find a way to make that situation come to pass.  As a rule, we would not advise you to pursue separation because it becomes ground that is unstable.  Rather we would counsel you to seek the face of God to find out what He would have you to do.  He is far more wise than we are and His ways are WAY higher than ours.  God's way--COMPLETELY--is the only way that we know, that will insure your marriage to glorify Him.

Hopefully, we answered some of your questions in regards to separation and divorce.  We know we can be extreme in our views but Christianity is not a religion of mediocrity or passivity.  It is one that is all or nothing and is filled with extreme displays of affection for His beloved.  Being believers, that kind of commitment must be evident in our beliefs about marriage. 

I love my wife!  I love my husband!

Josh and Serena

Standing On Your Own Two Feet

How was your stance before you started reading this blog?  Did you have the tools you needed?  Or did you find yourself constantly discouraged and frustrated by the state of your marriage?  If we didn't post would you be standing as strong?
We would venture to say you would not be standing as strong.  Not because we are so amazing (cuz we're not) or have some privileged revelation about marriage (cuz we don't) but because we are always stronger when we have support in our corner.  This is not to say that you can't stand without us.  However, we stand stronger together than apart.  By us knowing that you are there reading, it forces us to find something to give to you.  Which in turn forces us to dig deeper for more in our marriage and in Christ.  We also know that you are praying for us.  We, in turn, are praying for you and your marriage.

With all that being said, please do not look to us to be your rock in this time.  We love being here for you but, inevitably, we will fail you.  You HAVE to learn to stand on your own two feet.  You have to find that place that you can go to and receive the strength you need.  Here are a few things that will help you find your own footing so that you can stand through it all.

We would encourage you to learn two things; prayer and fasting.  The kind of prayer that we are talking about is not simple prayers that we pray before a meal or before bed.  We mean deep intercession for your spouse and your marital situation.  Not only selfish prayers about bringing your spouse back to you, physically or emotionally, but prayers for God Almighty to arrest them in their spirits.  That may mean you have to pray some very scary prayers (i.e. "Lord, WHATEVER it takes, bring him/her back to you...").  You need to learn to allow the Holy Spirit to pray through you.  Stop now and go read Romans 8:26, 27.  We cannot stress this enough; LEARN HOW TO PRAY!!  This will be the most effective tool in your arsenal.

The second part of that is that you need to combine your prayers with fasting.  Fasting most of the time indicates a forsaking of culinary pleasures for the sake of spiritual discipline.  However, in our technological age that we live in, I think it also applies to social media, Internet, TV, or any other pleasures that bring comfort to our flesh.  We give up those things that keep us from the face of God and earnestly seek His face.  That might mean that you stop reading here and commit to a season of fasting.  Your readership will be missed but knowing that you are seeking God's face will be an accepted reason for not reading!

A website that you might helpful in learning to stand on your own is biblegateway.com.  They have search features and different Bible translations that you can access FOR FREE.  Search for Scriptures about husbands and wives, about truth and virtue, about spiritual warfare, about seeking the face of God, or anything else the Lord lays on your heart...such as prayer and fasting.  Once you have found some Scriptures that encourage you read them in different translations (New Living, King James, The Message, etc.) and learn a deeper meaning of what you are reading.  Many times a different version will make all the difference in the world and suddenly you have a Scripture that will be like bedrock for you.

Study the Scriptures!  Don't rely on what you hear from us or what your bff said or what your own pastor has said from the pulpit.  Find out what God's Word says for yourself.  When you learn something for yourself, you then OWN that knowledge and revelation.  Once you have been persuaded by the Truth nothing else will be able to lie to you and bring you condemnation or guilt.

Learn to use a concordance.  In case you don't know, a concordance is a bible study tool that helps you learn the meanings of words in their original language.  You don't have to know Hebrew or Greek to use one.  A Strong's Concordance is highly regarded as the best but it is based on the King James version of the Bible.  There are other ones out there; check your local Christian book store for more information.  But, in the age of the Internet, there is a Strong's Concordance online FOR FREE!!  Don't you just love it?  Find your Scripture or word within the verse, learn its meaning and how it is used in context, what tense it is in, and where else it occurs in Scripture.  Soak in the deeper meanings of the Scripture.

We thank you for your readership and your allowing us to speak to you.  We are humbled that we have the opportunity to share in your restoration process and honored to fight alongside of you.  Keep standing!!

Josh and Serena

Standing in the Gap

This phrase "standing in the gap" what does it really mean?

And I sought for a man among them that should make up the hedge, and stand in the gap before me for the land, that I should not destroy it: but I found none. Therefore have I poured out mine indignation upon them; I have consumed them with the fire of my wrath: their own way have I recompensed upon their heads, saith the Lord GOD.  Ezekiel 22:30-31

Do we really understand the significance of the job?  Many married couples I hear talking about "standing in the gap" for their spouse.....um, did you READ what that means???  I mean, do you GET how HARD that looks, just READING it?  Walking it out....a WHOLE other story!!!  For me to say, my job is to stand in the gap for my children is actually not too difficult at the moment....the oldest is 9. Easy to say that's my job when things are going well and God's wrath isn't burning.  How often do we step out of the way when the fire gets hot?

In context the above verse is God describing the moral condition of the Jewish nation.  The prophets had entered into a conspiracy of not preaching the truth, thus they would only preach what was popular and positive for the sake of material gain (22:25).  The priests were not any better, for they failed to make a clear distinction between the clean and the unclean, or the holy and the common.  In other words, they permitted a state of moral ambiguity where everything was a shade a gray.  They had failed to teach the people God’s regulations (22:26).  The rulers over God’s people, those in positions of civil and political power, were in the habit of destroying the lives of others for the sake of material and social gains (22:27).   The people of the land, that is, the wealthy landowners, were exploiting the less fortunate, greed and the bottom line was the overriding policy (22:29).   God had searched, but He could not find any man, who would arise as a moral leader to stand in the gap and thus rebuild the moral wall that protected Judah from judgment. 

Morality is like a wall that shields people from divine wrath, yet where that wall breaks down, judgment enters.  Basically, God had said the same thing through Jeremiah, “Roam to and fro through the streets of Jerusalem, and look now, and take note.  And seek in her open squares, if you can find a man, if there is one who does justice, who seeks truth, then I will pardon her” (5:1).

When I read the above description of God’s people during the time of Ezekiel, it sounds like the moral condition of our nation.  More and more religious groups are conforming to the prevailing culture; the modern “prophets” and “priests” are preaching what is popular.  Oh, this is not to say ALL churches.  It seems like there is a deliberate conspiracy to avoid preaching God’s truth or to keep His truth hidden (Romans 1:18).

There is a gap between what  they cannot see as a danger to them and what someone willing to face the hardship and danger to protect them from what you can see. Justice must be answered and protected, but mercy must find a way as well.  God is JUST, but we can be an avenue of His mercy. This is LOVE. This is why God is God...how does justice and mercy flow at the same time? 

Every generation needs people to form a spiritual remnant, people to rebuild the moral and spiritual foundations and walls which popular culture and the unfaithful have tried to dismantle. 

Jeremiah 6:16

This is what the LORD says: “Stand at the crossroads and look; ask for the ancient paths, ask where the good way is, and walk in it, and you will find rest for your souls.  But you said, ‘We will not walk in it.’

As it may be hard for a time, you will be standing in the gap and building walls that future generations can benefit from....our perspective must be an eternal one.  Let's say your spouse never returns to your home, yet you have stood for marriage....future generations will NOT easily forget the sacrifice it took to stand in the gap.  Let's not be the ones who say, "We will not walk in it." 

Do your children and others know you are not too busy with this life and do they see that you have an eternal perspective? Do they know this by word or deed?  We must not place work and hobbies ahead of the spiritual needs of our families.  No job has the moral right to ask one to sacrifice one’s marriage or the spiritual growth of one’s children for its sake. People/Children need to hear how good God has been, what God has done for you, how God had taken care of you, how God’s ways are pleasant, and how God can always be trusted (Psalm 37:25).  People need to hear about our spiritual success stories. 

Do your children hear you praying for them (and being specific) and the other members of the family.  We have lots of work to get here, so please do not think we have this perfected. Standing in the gap means teaching our boys how to treat girls with respect and honor.  It means talking about the dangers of lust and pornography.  It also means that we do not glorify and revel in violence  (Genesis 6:11).  Standing in the gap also means protecting our daughters from predators and men who have eyes full of adultery (2 Peter 2:14) This will demand that we talk to them, and tell them what we expect, what God expects.

Standing in the gap for your spouse requires the love of Christ, as we have said before.  The heart of our Father is filled with mercy.  He would much rather NOT allow His wrath to burn hot, but He is just.  Are you willing to raise the standard of morality in your home?  Are you willing to step back and evaluate if you are taking the easy road or the RIGHT road?  Have you decided that God's way means that you should never suffer or cry out in pain?  When God's wrath is kindled and you stand in between the person deserving of His wrath it just might burn like hell....are you running?  Or standing firm?  Or lifting up God's standard of holiness and interceding on behalf of your spouse's soul? 

Unfortunately, even in some Christian families, parents play the role of a child instead of a parent.  Are you concerned about what the children are watching in the TV. Are you observant concerning language, attitudes and behavior?  Your children should KNOW that you can tell the difference between good and evil (Hebrews 5:14).  Standing in the gap does not mean seeing how close we can get to sin without sinning, or how much filth we can handle without turning off the set.  Standing in the gap means restoring the walls of godliness and morality.  As a the person standing in the gap we are trying to restore God’s standards or are we trying to see how far we can stretch them?  If you have no children are you protecting yourself? Husbands are your protecting your wives?

Often unspiritual people when they are challenged about a certain behavior or practice that they are involved in will have a knee jerk reaction and say something like, “Are you saying this might send me to hell?”  Those that stand in the gap ask an even more important question, “Does this manifest a hunger and passion for God?  Or, does it manifest apathy towards His holiness and His will?”  When you come across someone who says they don't own a TV do you view them with a critical eye or do you step back and think about MAYBE they are manifesting a deeper hunger and passion?  (We have a TV, but who am I to judge someone who is choosing NOT to fill their home with a device that most DEFINITELY CAN cause an apathy?) 

All of the things involved with standing are interlocked.  In order to stand between the fire of God and your spouse you HAVE to love them!!  You HAVE to remain soft.  This is OFTEN and most likely, depending on your situation, a DAILY (maybe minute-by-minute perhaps) cry of your heart.  You can not physically, spiritually, emotionally stand in the gap for someone that you HATE.  It is NOT possible. If you despise the thought of your child you cannot possibly be teaching them the standards of God, as He is love... 

To get a picture of what Christ did for us on the cross, laying down His life for His undeserving people.....how can we FULLY understand what it means to stand in the gap for our spouse.  It's undeserving, yet we are to be like Him. Your spouse may, for a time, even ridicule you for doing it--as stupid.  But when we are drawn closer to God, we find ourselves willing to be more like Him for those God is calling us to stand in the gap for until God prepares their heart to accept Christ's love for themselves.

Impossible you might be thinking? My spouse is just too evil, you may be saying. Not at all! No one is beyond God's reach. Remember He is the Creator of hearts and He knows just what can remold it.

Psalm 51:10   Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me. 

Christian writer, C. S. Lewis, once wrote in his book Mere Christianity that "evil is only spoiled goodness." It is not even original! It is God's goodness that has the ultimate power over evil. God has given us a free will, but it is a limited one with respect to His sovereignty and His wisdom. Nothing is too hard for Him!

So with everything we do in prayer and fasting on behalf of standing we must claim....."Be reconciled to God." 2 Corinthians 5:20

Christ's journey to the cross, standing in the gap for our sin....was marked with many trials, so learn to expect that those things WILL indeed come.  He took stripes on His back, so rejoice that your stand is not WRONG because of the trials you may endure...but cling to the promises God has given to you. His heart is that NONE should perish.

Date Night

So, we are still up....we just got back from date night.  What a great time we had!  First, a little snack at the mall, a movie, and then a late dinner.  Nothing fancy or over the top.  Just two best friends getting to hang out together.  And isn't that what it comes down to?

This did not come naturally for us....or should I say, me (Josh).  Even though the idea of date night sounds great making it happen can prove to be a bit more difficult.  A number of reasons (that could be better described as excuses) have always been a factor.  Babysitters, finances, scheduling can all be valid reasons....or really lame excuses.  This is the point that I finally learned....we make time and allow for what we want to do.  We want to hang out together.  So, we make time for it.  Most of the time it is usually our time in the evening at home.  But, we are adults and need to do adult-type things WITHOUT children.

But, getting to the point where we want to hang out together was a journey.  It wasn't until after we were rebuilt that we understood how important it is for us to be "us".  It wasn't until after the storm that we were able to appreciate each other and our individual interests enough to make them happen. If Josh made excuses I would pout about how much he didn't care--now we just make it happen.  Ladies, we know how to pout, right?  We want it to always be about how he swept us off our feet....it can definitely be nice, but we have GOT to be real and decide what's more important.  (an awesome date or pouting because it wasn't his idea)

Yes, scheduling can be a pain.  We all have lots going on.  Yes, babysitters can be hard to find...but, it can be done.  Yes, scraping up a few bucks to do something enjoyable may seem tough but if you found a cute pair of jeans (ladies) or wanted a new tool (men) you would somehow "magically" find the money.  C'mon, you know we're right!

Do something that your spouse likes to do but can't do it very often.  For me (Josh) I love movies.  So, Serena texted me yesterday to tell me that she had lined up the sitter and we were going to a movie that I had been wanting to watch.  She made plans to do what I wanted to do.  We didn't talk about serious, day-to-day stuff.  That stuff will be there tomorrow.  We laughed, took some pictures, held hands, and were just simply friends together.

So, reader, make a date night happen.  Gather some spare dollars, get cleaned up, and do something fun.  If you need some ideas, email us and we will help.  Try to do something that you two did when you were young and dating.  That is what got you to the married state in the first place....maybe it will rekindle some of that young, passionate love that feels it left your marriage long ago.  That spark hasn't died; it's just been dormant.  Stir it up.  You will be glad you did.

Dinner at Carino's--even shared a meal!

Josh and Serena

Choices

FAITH or DOUBT?
BLESSINGS or CURSES?
JUSTIFYING or STANDING?

"For out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks."  Matthew 12:34
Have you listened to yourself lately? No, I mean have you really listened? Are your words filled with faith and hope or are they filled with doubt and despair?
We should always be listening to ourselves. The confessions of our mouth most definitely determine our attitude towards them.  Frequently, (yes, I am sure you find this hard do believe) one of our five children has a bad attitude about something they have to do and the discussion of their WORDS will come up. 

Just the other day our oldest was asked if she wanted to clean the bathroom or the kitchen, afterwards she was all smiles.  She came to me and said, "Thank you for giving me a choice about what to clean; I did a much better job knowing that I had a choice."   Hmmm, this just did NOT set well with me.  We are definitely blessed with free will/choice, but should our GETTING a choice determine how well we do something?  What if it feels we are not being given a choice?  I (Serena) did not feel I was given much of a choice in the collapse of our marriage, so I could have sat back and just had a bad attitude.  This is exactly what our daughter had been doing--her lack of choice was determining her quality of work.  If God has called us to do something be grateful that we have a choice, but our attitude should be good no matter what.  We are called to do our best.  Raising our children has certainly given me more insight into my own attitudes, many times the choices I am given do NOT seem all that great.  Clean the bathroom or the kitchen....umm, neither, thanks?!?!?  How often do we say that?   In marriage you are given a choice, till death do us part or a hard heart?  We say, "Neither, thanks!"  AND then spend time proving how our hearts are just fine; do we really know the condition of our hearts? 

Our bodies/hearts can often internalize things that we have no idea of until too late, so we should do our best to make sure we aren't doing things that we have been told will have a certain outcome.  I (Serena) have what some would describe as an insanely high pain tolerance, but I can tell you this.....my BODY will and HAS quietly informed me of the dangers that the pain is causing.  When my gallbladder was acting up, and my liver and pancreas were shutting down....my blood pressure was through the roof.  I "should" have had seizures and headaches and numerous other symptoms. We are NOT all "textbook" and God's grace will still rest on our lives, but to say that our choices are not affecting us......do we REALLY want to take that risk?  Our hearts may very well be severely suffering, but because we have no symptoms.....we assume the best.  Like high blood pressure is called a "silent killer," so I believe is a hard heart. 

It's never too late....to set things right.

The Israelites were delivered from the hands of the Egyptians, yet they grumbled...

"Then they despised the pleasant land; they did not believe his promises. They grumbled in their tents and did not obey the Lord." Psalm 106:24-25
Because they did not believe God's promises, all of the generation of Israelites that grumbled in the desert died before reaching the Promise Land. Are you grumbling in the desert of divorce? Are you disbelieving the promises of God for the healing of your marriage? If so, stop right now and ask the Lord to forgive you of grumbling, faultfinding and complaining. Ask Him to replace your stony heart with a heart of flesh. Ask Him to protect your lips so that you sow seeds of grace, not seeds of destruction.

As the mouth speaks, so it will be. If I can leave you with one thought today, may it be...

"Let your conversation be always full of grace." Colossians 4:6

Let this be your prayer today...

"May the words of my mouth and the mediation of my heart, be pleasing in your sight, O Lord, my rock and my redeemer." Psalm 19:14

What you speak is so critical in the healing of your marriage. You can speak words of blessing or you can speak words of condemnation. You can talk about your circumstances or you can talk about God's promises in His Word. The choice is yours. May your words "be always full of grace."

It is Sin

"Our Lord said to Pilate (John 19:11): 'He that hath delivered me to thee hath the greater sin,'

It is evident that Pilate was guilty of some sin. Therefore one sin is greater than another.....NOT NECESSARILY what we have been taught.

In my thoughts, this would make me believe that sins are not all equal.

The philosophy of no sin being greater than another is somewhat newer; definitely my generation of believers has taught it.  BUT my thought isn't to debate on if your spouse's sin is greater than mine or who committed the more grievous sin.  It's the fact that are WE the ones called to bring judgment or revenge or make them "pay?"   Sin is sin.  I am not saying that one cannot be a "worse sin".....I am saying it is SIN. 

Marriages can deal with all kinds of symptoms, but it is sin. The marriage vow is not based on how bad the sin is in order to keep the vow.  Think of God's covenant with us; He is filled with grace and mercy.  He continually pours out MORE grace and mercy when we CONTINUE to sin.  Our questions should not be: "But we have walked this road before; do I really have to try again?"  Well, no, you don't HAVE to....but are you making the right choice? 

I (Serena) talked to you about my weight yesterday.  I could easily give up, but is that the RIGHT choice, just because I have given it a good try?  AND even succeeded, to a degree?  Certainly, after I have this baby I could go back to all of my old eating habits and I will just be fat.  For me, this is sin.  Can I continue in it?  Of course!!  Sometimes it takes a different view point in order to see that we all makes the decision to continue acting in a way we know is wrong or continuing to JUSTIFY our behavior OR giving up when deep down we know better.  We often use the "degrees of sin" as justification for our behavior.  My being overweight doesn't seem AS bad as Josh's affairs.  Okay...I see the point, but aren’t we supposed to strive to please God in everything?  Does it matter that we are on different paths?  Some of us do not have to overcome the same things--work on what YOU have to work on.  We are NOT perfect, but if you have to justify why YOU are not THAT bad, then you are missing the point. 

The degrees of sin have probably been overlooked in the past few years because it's easier to lump them all together than to realize there are things that grieve the heart of God MORE than others.  The philosophy of no sin being greater has most likely come out of the fact that "the wages of sin is death."  God paid for our sin; GREAT or SMALL.....let's not say that because our sin is smaller than another that our penalty is somehow less.  God forgave it, but it doesn't EXCUSE what we have been forgiven of....and that is SIN.

Asking me if you should stay with your spouse because they are in a homosexual relationship or he/she is abusive--these are all SYMPTOMS of the same problem. The underlying issue is the same as a spouse who is overweight, non-communicative, and rude.  The symptoms of a much deeper sin and it can ALL be forgiven.  This is NOT to say that we are condoning being in an abusive relationship and causing harm to your body or your children’s.  Please do NOT twist what we are saying.  We believe in marriage, and we have said before there is also a difference in separation and divorce.  In fact, I know of separated couples that have been separated for at least 10 years, but they are still open to God's restoration power.  They will not file for divorce, but it's not a safe environment to be in, this is something that has to be between each individual and God.  We are not condoning sinful behavior, but we are not going to give a loophole for divorce either.

Once you have that experience where God reveals His heart (He will do it!) for marriage you know that marriage standing is not about your spouse and your marriage or your happiness, but it is for your spouse's salvation, for your children's salvation, for their marriages and for your grandchildren's salvations and for their marriages and for many other generations it's not something that you can let go of too easily.

Our happiness is going to be in Heaven with our Lord. On earth, we have been given an assignment to stand in the gap for our spouse, our children, our grandchildren and for marriages around the world. I am to preach the Gospel of our Lord Jesus Christ. That Jesus Christ died on the Cross for all sinners which include you, your spouse and children. Nothing is impossible for our Lord God. That includes resurrecting, healing and rebuilding your marriage on the solid rock of Jesus Christ. Of course, we can take out any of those things we listed and still appear to be doing well, but we know deep down we are not fulfilling that FULL picture of what God has asked of us.

Yes, it may seem hard and you may cry. But your Lord God is right there beside you holding you with His righteous right hand. Seek to do His will and way in your life and you will never be disappointed. He will meet all your needs beyond what you could ever imagine!

Weight and Health

This was/is something I am constantly dealing with, as it seems to be an issue with me. Part of it started with not feeling I would ever be good enough to catch my husband's eye.  This was a phrase I heard on my wedding day from a guest. Josh better take a good look at you on your wedding day because he will never again see you this pretty.  I believed it, so I started our marriage feeling ugly--I mean, not THAT day...but from THAT day on.  My stomach wasn't flat enough...oh, yes, Josh DID tell me that. Being reminded of the exercises I could do to get my stomach flat, knowing deep down that this was NOT about me. Always hearing people tell you that your insides matter more.....yikes, how do you straighten it all out?  Let's not forget that I do NOT have "junk in my trunk" either, so the only thing going for me....."you have a beautiful face, and nice legs!"  Or at least, this was all I heard--and definitely all I believed. 

Am I to blame for some of this?  Of course!!  Until you can admit it, that's it something in you....you will always come back to blaming someone else.  (insert spouse)  When Josh was gone I evaluated all of my beliefs about myself, what made me feel so judgemental of myself.  Did Josh feed that insecurity? Yes, as someone who is seeing their own flaws...Josh had to find something he could point at--in me.  Josh refused to massage me, as it was kind of "gross" since I wasn't firm.  As the years passed and I knew my body wasn't looking any better after 6 pregnancies, and 3 c-sections....what was the point in even trying.  So, I stopped trying; I mean really trying. I would SAY I would try, but then I would quickly give up.

Knowing that I was not even trying could NOT have helped our marriage.  I wanted Josh to like me the way I was, no matter WHAT size, no matter what I did.  How could I demand such a thing? I wasn't happy with myself?  Did this excuse Josh from his comments about my weight? No, but he is not completely to blame.  How many of us want to blame ONLY someone else?

My weight had nothing to do with the deep things going on inside of Josh.  His capacity to appreciate, love, adore me were limited because of the sin in his life, NOT because of my size.  Does that excuse me from allowing myself to not care?  No...I believe not.  I hid behind his wrong attitude, and I refused to get myself together. Feeling that I would only be angry because if I got "skinny" then he would like me more....that's not fair.  Struggling with this for years got me no where--and ultimately at my heaviest.   

In 2006, I purposed I would lose some weight, as I didn't want to be the woman who lost weight only AFTER her husband left.  Yes, I grew up with hearing that, too!  I remember a lady at my church often talking about women who did this--it's amazing what sticks with us throughout the years. 2006 was when I first started noticing some problems, and I caught Josh in some lies.  I lost about 25 lbs, and then I became pregnant.  It was discouraging to have felt that I got somewhere and to only put the weight back on.  I was trying hard to lose weight FOR Josh.  (BAD MOTIVE)

Josh finally leaving brought me to the place of admitting that he was not fully to blame for my being overweight, despite the hurt that he had caused.  Despite having made attempts to lose weight.  Believing that I am beautiful no matter my size is a much deeper issue, that NO one can make me believe.  God reveals that to us, when we ask.  Ask God to show you who He sees you as....I still have to do this, at times.  For instance, I have a much better picture of God's love, but I still have to remind myself that my SIZE really isn't the deciding factor.   

Getting my weight under control and my eating habits in submission to God was not an easy road, and it's one I continue to climb.  Josh is no longer to blame for how I feel about my body, because in the last couple of years he is ultimately NOT the same person I lived with for 10 years prior.  Josh makes me feel beautiful; he tells me I am too hard on myself, and he encourages me to take care of my body....not judging me for how I look.  Whatever Josh really believes about how I look should NOT be what I base my weight on; how does God feel about my choices and my health? Am I bringing glory to Him when I am overweight? This can be different for every person; I am not saying we have to fit a chart or a doctor's opionion. 

Losing 60 lbs in 2010 and looking the best I have looked in years....still put me HIGH on the "healthy" chart, but I really didn't feel it was healthy to lose 20 more lbs. Same as everything else in this journey GOD can reveal to you even those PRACTICAL answers of what He desires from you.  For me, I know where I have failed in my health and weight.  It's not about the fact that I have been pregnant 9 times or have had 5 c-sections or have no gallbladder (which studies show it's harder to lose weight without a gallbladder) or a million other "excuses" I could come up with.....GOD cares MORE about our heart to bring glory to Him, that HE will help us.  We just have to lay down all of those excuses......

Hiring an Attorney

Listen to advice and accept instruction, and in the end you will be wise. Many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails. Proverbs 19:20-21

The above scripture had to have been one of my favorite scriptures while Josh was gone--still is a favorite. What happens if you are served divorce papers? I have to be honest I had no idea what I was going to do if that happened. Knowing that I would never file for divorce was one thing, knowing that my husband has a procrastination issue was another....but WHAT IF the other woman convinced him and helped him fill out the piles of papers for him? What if he wanted it bad enough? Then I got the call asking me for the phone number for our attorney......and then the calls confirming that Josh was in the process of speaking with a local attorney that would help him file papers--QUICK AND EASY.

Did I cry? Oh, man....that is an understatement. What do you do? What do you say? Josh was a bit shocked to find out that I would NOT just sign papers willingly, that I would NOT be UGLY...but I wasn't going to just lay back and let him divorce me.

Do you need at attorney? We do not know the answer. Only your Lord God knows what His plans are for your family. In our marriage, divorce was never granted because our marriage was restored. Some of our readers are separated, not divorced. This is NOT the same thing--might just address that later.

You need to be asking God if you need an attorney, and not listening to advice from anyone else--parents, siblings, and even pastors do not have all of the answers. If you ask Him, God will provide His answer, not man's suggestion, which could be wrong.

It would be devastating if you were faced with a court situation, and you followed the direct advice of someone to not get an attorney, and then end up losing losing your home, your money, and sometimes your children. There is a big difference in your retaining an attorney to institute divorce proceedings, and your finding an attorney to defend you after your spouse files.

The Bible teaches the difference between a Christian bringing suit, and of defending yourself against the suit of someone else. If you have received divorce papers, you are being sued, possibly for everything precious to you.

So, to clear up any misunderstandings that you may have of my beliefs I would NOT say that in order to be a stander you can never seek counsel or have an attorney. I pray it never gets that far, but I do realize that every situation is NOT the same. If you are seeking the Lord, He knows your heart....I would not dare stand in judgement of what God is telling you to do.

"A real "stander" will not use an attorney, trusting God alone to be their advocate in the courtroom is NOT something I believe." I felt the need to address this, as even Josh was a bit surprised....

This is the analogy I was given when I was wondering what I would do, and if I was not trustsing God......if you are faced with a deadly disease; would you consult a doctor? We know that God alone is the Healer, so why go to a doctor or hospital if you are having a heart attack? The Lord gives special wisdom to some of His children so that they can help others. It's the same in this situation. Please, please, if at all possible ask God to lead you to the correct attorney--a Christian, someone who believes God can heal marriages, not someone just trying to get more money for another broken marriage.

If you have been served with divorce papers, action will not go away, simply because you choose to ignore all that is happening. (although it seems easier, at times)

If you were awakened in the middle of the night by a noise and discovered someone in your home, attempting to steal, what would you do? We know the Lord will protect His children, so would you roll over and go back to sleep? No way! You would be praying while you were on the phone calling for help from the authorities. Do the same in this situation. Prayers can end up stopping the whole process. I have READ about divorce proceedings that were in there final stages, and they were dropped suddenly. God is the God of SUDDEN miracles. Satan, the enemy of the family has broken into your home, he wants to stealing your spouse, your belongings, and possibly even your children. Yes, God will be your Defender and your Protector, but you need to be asking Him if He would have you seek legal counsel.

Unless you are the one who is initiating the divorce, hiring an attorney does not end your stand for marriage restoration. I do not believe you are less of a stander. We do not claim to have the answer for hiring an attorney; we have no idea. God has the perfect answer. Seek Him first! I am sure part of the assumption of my disagreeing with counsel comes from the fact that I am not the type to seek a doctor at the first sign of a cold. Indeed, this is correct! Which is why I didn't ever need a lawyer...I don't run to the doctor quickly....so, in this case, I didn't run to a lawyer at the first mention of Josh hiring one either. Run to God first. He will guide you.

"The way of a fool seems right to him, but a wise man listens to advice." Proverbs 12:15

Should This Make Us Rejoice?

"Divorce Rate Declining"

Let’s look at the details behind the headlines of some articles I came across. The marriage rate has dropped by nearly 30% in the past 25 years, and people are waiting about five years longer to marry than they did in 1970. The study also showed that divorce within the first ten years of marriage dropped by one-third among college educated women, while remaining stable among less educated women. Divorce rates are lowered because of economic strain...well, that makes no sense?  According the article, the money causes stress, but the reason for the decline may have more to do with the fact that they can't afford to be divorced.  This breaks my heart. 

One major reason for the divorce rate being down, according to the study, is due to more couples living together without marrying. The number of couples who live together without marriage has increased tenfold in the past 25 years. It's clearly NOT that divorce has declined...it's that our culture has changed.  God still calls it sin for each individual involved in such a relationship. Every form of media actually encourages this trial-run.

In 1970, most unmarried couples who lived together did so privately. Today such sinful living arrangements are proudly announced. This is true, even when a covenant spouse has been abandoned so that a prodigal spouse can enter the sinful relationship.  I knew it was just a matter of time during Josh's prodigal days that his relationship would escalate to this level....

Cohabitation is here to stay," says David Popenoe, a Rutgers sociology professor and report co-author. "I don't think it's good news, especially for children," he says. "As society shifts from marriage to cohabitation — which is what's happening — you have an increase in family instability."

Cohabiting couples have twice the breakup rate of married couples, the report's authors say. And in the USA, 40% bring kids into these often-shaky live-in relationships.

"It is important now to think beyond the divorce rate to other kinds of couple unions and look at how stable they are," says Barbara Dafoe Whitehead, a social historian and report co-author.

"It's a pretty short period of time for that change (cohabitation) to have occurred and to have taken hold in the way it has," she says.

In the USA, 8.1% of coupled households are made up of unmarried, heterosexual partners. Although many European countries have higher cohabitation rates, divorce rates in those countries are lower, and more children grow up with both biological parents, even though the parents may not be married, Popenoe says.

The USA has the lowest percentage among Western nations of children who grow up with both biological

parents, 63%, the report says.

"The United States has the weakest families in the Western world because we have the highest divorce rate and the highest rate of solo parenting," Popenoe says. (stats found in USA today, 2005)

When a prodigal mother or father is packing their bags, walking out on a family to pursue selfish interests, it is unfortunate that the individual cannot look 20 years ahead, and see their child, grown up, but scarred by what that prodigal is about to cause to happen. Once the enemy has blinded a spouse, they consider only the immediate, and not the long term. Divorce is legalized child abuse, for what it does to children. (Ouch!)  During Josh's absence this was the kind of thing that kept me standing.......

Moms and Dads say they want what is best for their kids. That has to be an intact home; I said BEST.... this does NOT mean that God doesn't protect our children.  BUT I am sick and tired of hearing about little boys and girls who cry themselves to sleep every night, and hearing about a brokenhearted child when a prodigal parent does not show up for visitation.  or for graduation, or for weddings, or for other monumental occasions, as promised. Children sometimes suffer silently; I can think of many things over the last 20 years that I have been saddened by--in regards to my parent's divorce.  This is NOT what God intended; it is NOT His best.  AND, yes, you can survive...this is about God's best.  

Of all the sad things I have seen and witness when a marriage breaks up, the most heartbreaking is a young lady who has become sexually active, going from man to man, in a futile attempt to recapture the love that her daddy did not give her. As an adult having come from a divorced home I am so grateful this is NOT my story, but I have seen it so many times.  No man on this earth will ever replace what a father has robbed from her. I pray that these girls can discover early that the love of God can replace the love of a selfish, absent, earthly father. I spent many nights crying out for Jael, praying she never had to go through the feelings of rejection. No matter how much a child can rationalize in their mind it's not about them....it still feels like it, at times.

If you are even slightly considering telling me today that, "I quit. This is too hard. Nothing is changing. Everyone says I deserve better" messages--do NOT think of doing that today.

Are you so concerned with your immediate happiness that you cannot do what God has called you to do?
What circumstances would change today if you stopped standing?
There is too much at stake for you to become selfish, as your prodigal spouse has already done. Standing for the restoration of your marriage does not cause harm to your child...it allows them to see that you serve a God that is "God of the impossible!"

Society now accepts cohabitation as normal. The judicial system has no problem with it.  But wait, in many instances, the church has accepted cohabitation. I know...you are thinking I have crossed the line, but it's true in a lot of churches. I am not saying this is YOUR church. Somehow, it has become acceptable for two people, not married to one another, to live together in adultery, and to not only attend church, but to be actively involved in church functions--until God convicts them, right?

So, the divorce rate may have dropped a bit......for many reasons......
BUT is there any hope? Yes, there certainly is. Although it won't be found--most likely in statistics. How do you gather statistics based on GOD in His reconciliation power? Statistics need to be based in that divorce is down 100% in YOUR marriage. This will happen when the Holy Spirit has touched the hearts of you and your spouse, and you both have responded and have started to live as God intended, as a husband and wife, forsaking all others, "Til death us do part."

This disease has a cure; the war can be won.  BUT only with God’s help. First, you need to do what God has shown you to do--remember this is NOT about Josh and Serena.  Instead of running into another relationship, with an even higher possibility of failure, you need to take a secure stand with God for marriage restoration.  Second, do not become a secret stander. Allow others, in your family, at work, in your church, and in your circle of influence to hear, by your words and by your actions that you mean business in this war against divorce. When I told my mom that I would stand for Josh and our marriage she said, "How bad does it have to get? When do I tell you it's okay to give up?"  I replied, "It will get bad; it'll get worse. No matter how bad it gets....I can NEVER give up.  Always remind me I said NEVER, EVER, EVER give up!"   I never did say I wanted give up...I have no doubt that letting people know that I would stick to what God told me to do and never change was critical to my never giving up.  People WILL watch to see if you are only a secret stander.

Remembering

If we repeat ourselves or the stories sound similar, it's only because of passion. I know, without a doubt, that hearing the same things over actually helped me in the waiting times.  I needed to know I was not alone, and I was NOT the only one who hurt or felt a certain way. 

Being pregnant right now has caused lots of reflection as these last few months would have been the same time-frame as when Josh was gone while I was pregnant with Levi.  Having less sleep, less energy seems like something I would never survive at this moment, but God gives us what we need when we need it.  I spent many late nights praying, crying, and getting no sleep.  At this point I am so exhausted I can't get enough energy or sleep right now.  God is so gracious.  During the most stressful time in my life I had great health--God kept me.

A sermon at church last weekend talked about admitting that we are finite opens us up to the infinite God.  Without a doubt I could NOT do this alone I needed LOTS of help, and I thrived because of the infinite God and His strength. It was NOT about me or my strength; it was Him.  If I found that I was overly discouraged or upset I would just go back to God's Word.  I tell you...it was the ONLY way.  Relying on ourselves will only make the stander feel discouraged as it really does seem endless. We completely understand, and we understand the need for encouragement.

For encouragement:• God hates divorce – Malachi 2:15-16
• No weapon formed against you shall prosper – Isaiah 54:17
• The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds. – 2 Cor. 10:4
• Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand against the wiles of the devil. – Ephesians 6:11
• For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this age, against spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places – Ephesians 6:12
• If God is for us, who can be against us? – Romans 8:31
• It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery. – Galatians 5:1


Other verses to read for yourself and for encouragement:
• Colossians 1:9-14
• Colossians 3:5-14
• Romans 8:28
• Galatians 5

Glass of Milk

And again......Love always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.

This is the way we are called to be....this is how we are supposed to love.  By hoping, persevering, and never giving up! We may have failed yesterday, but it is not too late to work on these things.  When we stood at the altar we said we would LOVE forever, "'til death do us part."  Do you know what love is? Have the last couple of weeks given it a better picture?  For Josh and I it sure has......Love ALWAYS protects, ALWAYS trusts, ALWAYS hopes, ALWAYS perseveres, and it NEVER fails. 

We might sound like a broken record, but you cannot FAIL unless you give up.  Standing for your marriage will NEVER fail as LOVE never fails.  Unconditional love means that you love with a love that understands that you may not receive the same level of commitment.  If you are the one who has a spouse gone, distant, or cold....you are NOT receiving the same level of commitment BUT your calling has never changed.  We are called to LOVE. 

I have failed my husband in the past. I hurt him without realizing it. I honestly felt that I was the best wife I could be but when I compare myself to the days of looking at LOVE it's really hard to say that I loved like Christ loves.  I did many loving things for my husband, but did I truly love my spouse the way God intended?

The description of love found in 1 Corinthians 13 is the love of Christ. It is impossible for any of us to love another in this way all the time. This is perfect love, and only Christ is perfect. But this is the kind of love that we should strive to give every day. We will only be able to do this if we allow God to change us.

All standers are believing and praying for the restoration of their marriage. When God brings your prodigal home do you want to make the same mistakes? Do you ever want to go through this again? Do you want to put your children through this again? Of course not! Humble yourself before God. Continually ask God to breath revelation into your life.  Ask Him to continue to help you LOVE the way God intends. 

We are not trying to diminish the wrongs done to you by your spouse but we cannot focus on them. We have to lay those wrongs at the foot of the cross and let them go once and for all. Has your marriage gotten better trying to change the other person?  Have you seen that it doesn't matter WHAT they do they will not be perfect, just as you aren't?  We have to learn to love God's way, even if we feel that they will continue to fail us and hurt us and even if our spouse doesn't return the same level of commitment and love. You can continue to pray for your spouse and let God do any changing that needs to be done in them. He is much better at it than we are.

You can't go wrong with Milk and Pancakes...........

Got Milk?

Josh and Serena

Recipe for Pancakes-Part 15

Today's post may be one of the most pivotal points in the passage about love we have been studying.

Love never fails! (exclamation point added by us...we think it should be!!)

The Word speaks for itself.  Love NEVER fails.  Really, we could post it now and be done.  It sums up itself.  Love NEVER fails!!

This word "fails" means to fall out of, fall down from, or fall off.  It also means to perish.  Love NEVER falls under its load.  It NEVER falls from it stance for the one it has bestowed its affections upon.  It NEVER falls off of covering its partner.  Love NEVER dies.

We have said it before and we will say it some more.  You might get tired of hearing us say it....so?  We believe it so we say it.  YOU WILL ONLY FAIL IF YOU QUIT STANDING!!

So, here is the question...are you filled with love?  If you are not filled with love, you will quit standing.  However, if you are filled with love, you CANNOT quit!  Love will not let you!  We are not saying that you won't want to give up and call it quits.  You just might...maybe even every day.  But, when you have been filled with love....God's love, that is...something stirs deep within you that motivates and inspires you to keep going.

If love NEVER fails (never falls or dies) it would indicate that love NEVER loses!!  Love wins...but not like Rob Bell describes.  Love wins for two reasons:

1. Love wins because it does not fall from its position.
2. Love wins because it will live longer than any opponent.

Love wins by default.  It is only us that lose because we stop loving.  But, when love wins no one loses.  When love wins your pride dies.  When love wins your feelings do not determine your actions.  When love wins you become the person that the Father has been trying to make all along.  When love wins it is no longer a requirement for your spouse to change; you will love regardless of the pain.  When love wins God is glorified.

And that is the point of it all, isn't it?

Josh and Serena

Recipe for Pancakes-Part 14

Love endures all things.

Paul is indicating an active, vigorous endurance, not a passive, resigned acceptance of all that happens.  We often talk about the "fight" for our marriage.  When we use these terms we are envisioning the soldier who battles on no matter the opposition or the outcome. Josh's favorite movies are always when the solider fights to the end.  He endures a lot, but he fights with purpose. He has passion. He does not allow the difficulties of the moment to rob him of strength and purpose; he fights on unflinchingly.

So it is with love. Love's endurance is a positive and proactive acceptance of life with all its difficulties, not a passive attitude. It doesn't have to mean you sit around hoping things will change and doing nothing.  Many of you have read the story of the FIGHT for Josh.  I didn't sit quietly hoping things would be different. Love does more than put up with life's hardship; it grows and develops as it struggles against them. Love sees problems positively, everything can be a teaching moment.  When Josh was gone I knew that it was better that we faced this mess NOW, then have to face it in 10 more years!!!  Life has problems; love determines how we are going to endure.

Love is not putting up with a difficult relationship or situation, enduring it, persevering with it because you "think" it is the right thing to do.  Love is not something that you can think about or reason out the "right" answer.  You have to ask yourself and know for yourself...is it the right thing?  Have you asked God; what did He say about it?  Have you looked the Scripture on what God is telling you?

Persevering and enduring love has the backbone of courage.  That kind of love enables us to have the courage to endure and succeed in the face of all that is painful.  We don't pretend that what you may be experiencing is not painful.  To have your "one flesh" trying to rip you apart....Ouch!  Courage is the inner power to resist the painful experiences of life by facing up to the evil that attacks us and not surrendering.  NO SURRENDER! .  "Be strong and courageous" is the exhortation of Moses to Joshua, accompanied by the promise, "the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you or forsake you." (Deuteronomy 31:6-8) Love is strong and courageous because God goes with us and will never forsake us. We are not alone. God the Omnipotent, the Almighty, is with us.  That has to be encouraging!!

Over the last couple of weeks we have looked at Jesus, the perfect picture of love--the perfect example.  Jesus endured to the end.  His courage during torture, agony, betrayal, rejection and eventually His death.  Did He ever wish that He didn't have to endure it...of course!  BUT, He knew His Father's will--in His pain he never tried to escape or find a "loophole."  He told His disciples what to expect; He knew what He would face.  He was doing the Father's Will--no matter the persecution or injustice.

We are called to face our difficulties in the same manner. When we seek to follow Him, we gain His courageous love. We know many people that say, "But I don't think I could do that; I don't think I can continue enduring the pain and suffering."   We understand; we get it.  But, learn to draw on Jesus's courageous love to persevere in the face of suffering.  See beyond the trials to the victory.  You must get yourself to the place where you focus on the goal. Face your trials from a place of victory, not defeat. 

"Be on your guard; stand firm in the faith; be men of courage, be strong. Do everything in love." (1 Corinthians 16:13,14)

Love without strength is worthless; strength without love is only aggressive.  The combination of the two is a twofold cord which cannot be broken.  If I had fed Josh milk and pancakes with only a strength and stubborness to do what was I thought was right, I believe he would have seen right through it.  To endure trials you must have strength, but to have strength with no love....it's useless.  We are called to be men and women of courage, to be strong, to do everything in love. What a high calling this is.

To be a Christian in these terms is to be someone of consequence, someone who will accomplish something important. It is a noble calling of heroic dimensions. There is nothing wimpy about it. Love that always perseveres resonates with strength.  When people see you loving in this manner they will say, "Wow, you are really strong!" but in reality you would like to cry out, "Okay, but I don't WANT to be strong."  Persevering love HAS to be strong; there is no other way to endure.  We make excuses for ourselves so that we can under-perform in the battles of life. We are capable of more than we know when we are put to the test.  All too often the battles are lost because we give up loving too soon. Picture the cross...Christ NEVER gave up.  His eye was on the goal...our salvation!

Love always perseveres in order to avoid the dishonor of letting someone else down who is depending on us, who believes in us, for whom we are the hands and heart of Christ. During the few moments during Josh's absence that I would see a glimmer of hope I knew I was seeing that Christ's love WAS working.  Our children were also learning valuable lessons. I loved from a place of victory.  Love does not walk away from commitments when it would be easy, reasonable, and even justified to do so. Love endures to the end. The world has a lot of starters but very few finishers. Love finishes the race. Love does not give up. Love does not quit. Love perseveres in the battle against evil because it wants to win the victory. 

 "He who stands firm to the end WILL be saved." (Matthew 10:22;24:13)



Josh and Serena

Recipe for Pancakes-Part 13

Now, that we have covered and protected our spouses and have believed who they are when God is through with them, it is time to put action to it.

Love hopes all things.

This phrase means to put trust in.  It is faith in action.  It is one thing to say you believe who they are in Christ; it is something different to put trust in that person, not what they are acting like but who they actually are in Christ.

OK...this might sound kind of crazy but everything that this passage of Scripture has pushed us toward has sounded crazy.  I guess that is just agap'e....crazy God love.  So hear it goes...this means to put all your eggs in one basket!  And not your basket...God's basket!


Let me explain...when we come to the saving knowledge of Jesus, He expects us to put all of our hope in Him.  He is to be the source of everything for us.  The source of our dreams, our aspirations, our desires, our faith, our abilities...basically, our life.  He is to be everything.  Jesus wants all of our eggs in His basket.  This means your spouse, as well.

How does this apply to our marriages?  Well, I believe that it means to always set yourself up for witnessing the best in your spouse.  Not the best that your spouse can be on their own but the best that they can be through Christ.  It is easy to get your hopes up and feel completely crushed when that person (the physical person before your eyes) lets you down.  But, when your hope has been put in Jesus and what He can do with them, it is much harder to be...dare I say, impossible...to be let down by the person that He is still making.

Yes, we know this goes against our natural way of thinking and reasoning but all of these love traits have.  Should we go easy on ourselves now?  We have come so far and put up with so much that it would be easier to finish it and see what God will do than for us to throw in the towel.

When we see our spouse not acting the way that we have believed them to be it should not be a source of discouragement.  Them acting out the way they are is only a sign to us that God is still working on them.  Or maybe He is still working on us...getting us to the place that we fully trust and hope in Him.

Isn't that the point that He is trying to get us to?  To fully trust and hope in Him...through our expression of love to our spouses.

Philippians 1:6

And I am certain that God, who began the good work within you,

will continue his work until it is finally finished

on the day when Christ Jesus returns.

And you thought that this love thing was about changing your spouse?

Josh and Serena

Recipe for Pancakes-Part 12

Going deeper requires more of God to continue the journey.

Love believes all things...

This phrase transitions us beautifully from bearing (covering/ protecting) the faults and sins of our spouse into believing the truth about them.  Basically, we are protecting the person that they are but have not become yet from the person that they currently are.

This word "believes" typically refers to the faith that one puts in Jesus Christ...you know, saving faith.  The faith that we are saved with is the greatest act of faith that we will ever exercise.  That kind of faith says that all that you have done and ever will do against God, who you have never seen or talked to before, has been wiped clean because of what another man, that claimed to be God in the flesh, did on a cross 2000+ years ago.  Kind of wild to think about it like that but it's true none the less.

So, who is your spouse?  Don't ask what have they done.  Who they are and what they are doing is not the same thing.  In order to believe all things you must move beyond what you are currently witnessing.  To believe you don't use your eyes or your heart; you use His eyes and His heart.

So, who does God see your spouse as being?  Is he the righteous man that stands in the face if evil and does not flinch?  Not yet?  Don't worry; God is still working on him.  Look at him with God's eyes; see him now?  Is she the virtuous woman that stands by your side as you walk the path set before you?  Not yet?  Not to fret; God is still working on her.  Look at her with God's eyes; see her now?

In Judges 6, we find the story of Gideon.  Gideon is one of the most prominent stories of someone who did not see what God saw.  When the angel addressed Gideon, he called him "mighty man of God."  That was not how he saw himself.  But, after he began to see what God saw he was able to act according to that identity.

How you see your spouse and how you treat them will directly affect the outcome of your marriage.  If you see them and treat them as the immoral, inconsiderate person that they are acting like---it is who they remain.  But, if you see them and treat them as the honorable, righteous child of God that they truly are they will begin to change.

Don't be disheartened if they don't change overnight.  What you see is not what you get....because faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not yet seen...Hebrews 11:1

Josh and Serena

Recipe for Pancakes-Part 11

We pray that as you read some of the earlier posts in this series the Holy Spirit spoke to you and gave you some practical ways to show your spouse the way that the Father loves them through you.  Maybe they were not exactly what you had in mind...we are sure that they required a lot out of you...but, none the less, they were practical things.  And we are praying that you would see the fruit of His love evident in your life and marriage.

However, now as we progress through these last few phrases you will see that the beginning of this passage was only setting us up to make even more sacrifices in order to be conduits of His love.

Love bears all things...

And you thought the beginning of this passage called for some extreme love.  The earlier parts of this passage were small potatoes compared to the gravity of these last few lines.  This will be where the rubber meets the road.

This words "bears" in many cases and in our language would mean "to carry."  When it is used in this passage it has a different meaning.  And therein lies our problem...

It means "to cover, to protect, to keep secret or conceal (the faults of others)".  It also means "by covering to keep something off that threatens, to bear up against, hold out against, or endure."

What kind of position does this put you in?

It puts you in the most dangerous of positions for the one you love.  This is standing in harm's way for your spouse.  This is you getting in between your spouse and that which would threaten to harm them and YOU taking the hit.

This love business is getting really messy!  This type of extreme love is not talked about, not fully disclosed, and rarely mentioned in our churches, to say nothing of our premarital counseling.  Even our wedding vows don't even speak to this depth of love.  "For richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, as long as we both shall live" is about the extent of them.  What if we were to put in there, "when harm comes I will stand between you and the threat and cover you even if it means my own harm"?  This is an extreme view that we really don't want to hear.

We see this illustrated in the Word of God many times.  If you read Numbers 16, you find the story of leaders of Israel inciting a revolt against Moses and Aaron.  After God removed those guilty, the rest of the camp begins to murmur against Moses and Aaron.  God's anger blazed and began to kill the Israelites.  Moses, because he loved God's people even when they were speaking against him, told Aaron to grab the incense burners and stand between God and Israel and purify them with incense.  In verse 48, it says that Aaron stood between the living and the dead and the plague stopped.  Would you be willing to stand between God and your spouse in order to save them?

We also see Jesus do this for us.  Jesus took His place on the cross to satisfy the debt of sin that we owed to God.  He willingly stood between God and us and took the full force of the punishment for sin.  Why?  Because of His great love for us He stood in harm's way.  Never flinching, always concealing us from the wrath of the Almighty God, and faithfully protecting us when we wanted nothing to do with Him.

You may or may not have heard about how this type of love has been acted out in our world today.  In the aftermath of the tornadoes that struck the south recently is a story of a father that covered his family.  As they were all huddled in the home this father of 13 children protected them with his own body from the violence of the storm.  His oldest son witnessed his father's extreme sacrifice as he laid down his life covering his family.  This father did not worry about his own safety but willingly bore the full weight of the storm for those he loved.  Sounds a little like Jesus, huh?

We have said it before in earlier posts that this was something that Serena did for me as I was wandering from my place.  Many people wanted to know specifics about me and what I was doing but she refused to give them anything.  She covered me in prayer, protected me and my reputation, and kept me well hidden from potential threats that wanted to do me harm.  By her stance in this matter, I was able to eventually rebuild bridges that I had tried to burn.  Her protection allowed me to, in time, become fully restored to her, my family, my church, and in my ministry.  Because she did not lay my iniquity bare and let God have His way with me, I am....excuse me...WE are where we are today.

So, what does this mean for each of us?  Well, to start it means that we are very cautious about who we share our marital problems with.  This cannot be emphasized strongly enough.  Too often we share too much detail about our problems with too many people.  When it gets passed from you to others not relevant to the issue it passes from prayer request to gossip.  God has given YOU the grace to deal with the situation; not your neighbor, or your best friend, or you parents, or your kids (oh, please, do not make your kids choose sides!), or your coworkers.  Only involve those that you know will cover your spouse with you.  That should be a very short list.  Those that you share with should be people of great prayer that will intercede with you but will also demand accountability from you.

Covering your spouse would also include not speaking about them in a negative way in front of people.  Yea, lots of people may know their deeds because they have not kept them secret.  That does not give you license to speak about them or their deeds and cause judgment to be brought against them.  We forget that they are our own flesh and blood.  We have a covenant with them that does not allow for our separation until death.  Therefore, when you begin to speak negativity and curses on them, you speak them on yourself.  Remember...you are no longer two but one flesh!!

When you feel as though you cannot keep this covering over your spouse with your own strength, ask the Father for help.  According to the Word of God, we can do all things through Christ who strengthens us.  So, stop trying to cover them and protect them in your own power; let Christ cover them through you.

1 Peter 4:8

Most important of all, continue to show deep love for each other,

for love covers a multitude of sins.

Josh and Serena

Recipe for Pancakes-Part 10

Love...does not rejoice in iniquity but rejoices in the truth.

So, this one about delighting in evil may not be understood by everyone because it seems a bit over the top.  Let's look at the first part of this verse...does not rejoice in iniquity.  (Iniquity means acts of unrighteousness...basically, evil or sin)

I don't believe that I have ever delighted in evil, BUT maybe we don't know what evil is to God?  Many times we are blind to God's truth.  Could this be the case?  We may not knowingly delight in evil but we may not know what we have allowed ourselves to find delight in what GOD sees as evil?

We like to justify our behavior...that we had a "right" to feel a certain way.  Hmm...yes, now THAT sounds more like something I have done.  Delighting myself in the justification of my own attitudes.  If I didn't meet up to the true definition of love I am SURE it wasn't MY fault...it HAD to be Josh's!  Sound familiar?  Maybe just to me?

Another way to look at it is this...suppose you are at work and your coworker gets called out by the boss for something that they did.  Maybe not out loud but inside you are rather pleased.  Why?  Because HE got in trouble, not YOU.  And because he took the brunt of the boss's anger you, in turn, look so much better.  Maybe now is a good time to ask for that raise?

Now, apply this to your spouse...do you rejoice when they fall and receive the consequences of their actions?  Is "I told you so!" a common phrase that you use in your arguments to make your point?

This phrase that we are looking at is a little better explained by The Message translation.  It says, "Love doesn't revel when others grovel..."  Do you sit up high on your holier-than-thou throne as your spouse grovels for forgiveness?  If you answered "YES!!", now might be a good time to go back and read Part 5 of this series.  (It talks about pride and boasting...)

Now, for the other half...but rejoices in truth.  Here the New Living Translation speaks volumes.  It says, "but rejoices whenever truth wins out."  Rejoicing over the truth winning is not the same as rejoicing in one's iniquity.

When truth wins it is a glorious day!  Past hurts and offenses are forgiven because truth won!  Healing and wholeness comes in wave after rolling wave because truth won!  This is the day of the big payoff...because truth won!  All of the prayers...all of the fasting...all of the intercession...all of the tears that were shed...all of the injustices endured were all worth it because truth won!  This is the day you have been waiting for...for truth to win.

Rejoicing over the iniquity and sins of your spouse will be a very lonely party...you will probably be the only one to show up.  God won't be there.  But, when rejoicing over the truth having won...now that is a party that God will attend and the world will come to witness.  For the impossible will have been accomplished!  That which everyone said could not be restored will have been paid back to you with restitution made!  All of the one's that spoke negativity and death to your marriage....will stand in awe and be left speechless. You stood on the truth of God's Word when everyone else decided to stand on the opinion of the world.  I dare you to try and see who the last one standing is....

TRUTH WINS!!!  EVERYTIME!!!

Josh and Serena