Weight and Health

This was/is something I am constantly dealing with, as it seems to be an issue with me. Part of it started with not feeling I would ever be good enough to catch my husband's eye.  This was a phrase I heard on my wedding day from a guest. Josh better take a good look at you on your wedding day because he will never again see you this pretty.  I believed it, so I started our marriage feeling ugly--I mean, not THAT day...but from THAT day on.  My stomach wasn't flat enough...oh, yes, Josh DID tell me that. Being reminded of the exercises I could do to get my stomach flat, knowing deep down that this was NOT about me. Always hearing people tell you that your insides matter more.....yikes, how do you straighten it all out?  Let's not forget that I do NOT have "junk in my trunk" either, so the only thing going for me....."you have a beautiful face, and nice legs!"  Or at least, this was all I heard--and definitely all I believed. 

Am I to blame for some of this?  Of course!!  Until you can admit it, that's it something in you....you will always come back to blaming someone else.  (insert spouse)  When Josh was gone I evaluated all of my beliefs about myself, what made me feel so judgemental of myself.  Did Josh feed that insecurity? Yes, as someone who is seeing their own flaws...Josh had to find something he could point at--in me.  Josh refused to massage me, as it was kind of "gross" since I wasn't firm.  As the years passed and I knew my body wasn't looking any better after 6 pregnancies, and 3 c-sections....what was the point in even trying.  So, I stopped trying; I mean really trying. I would SAY I would try, but then I would quickly give up.

Knowing that I was not even trying could NOT have helped our marriage.  I wanted Josh to like me the way I was, no matter WHAT size, no matter what I did.  How could I demand such a thing? I wasn't happy with myself?  Did this excuse Josh from his comments about my weight? No, but he is not completely to blame.  How many of us want to blame ONLY someone else?

My weight had nothing to do with the deep things going on inside of Josh.  His capacity to appreciate, love, adore me were limited because of the sin in his life, NOT because of my size.  Does that excuse me from allowing myself to not care?  No...I believe not.  I hid behind his wrong attitude, and I refused to get myself together. Feeling that I would only be angry because if I got "skinny" then he would like me more....that's not fair.  Struggling with this for years got me no where--and ultimately at my heaviest.   

In 2006, I purposed I would lose some weight, as I didn't want to be the woman who lost weight only AFTER her husband left.  Yes, I grew up with hearing that, too!  I remember a lady at my church often talking about women who did this--it's amazing what sticks with us throughout the years. 2006 was when I first started noticing some problems, and I caught Josh in some lies.  I lost about 25 lbs, and then I became pregnant.  It was discouraging to have felt that I got somewhere and to only put the weight back on.  I was trying hard to lose weight FOR Josh.  (BAD MOTIVE)

Josh finally leaving brought me to the place of admitting that he was not fully to blame for my being overweight, despite the hurt that he had caused.  Despite having made attempts to lose weight.  Believing that I am beautiful no matter my size is a much deeper issue, that NO one can make me believe.  God reveals that to us, when we ask.  Ask God to show you who He sees you as....I still have to do this, at times.  For instance, I have a much better picture of God's love, but I still have to remind myself that my SIZE really isn't the deciding factor.   

Getting my weight under control and my eating habits in submission to God was not an easy road, and it's one I continue to climb.  Josh is no longer to blame for how I feel about my body, because in the last couple of years he is ultimately NOT the same person I lived with for 10 years prior.  Josh makes me feel beautiful; he tells me I am too hard on myself, and he encourages me to take care of my body....not judging me for how I look.  Whatever Josh really believes about how I look should NOT be what I base my weight on; how does God feel about my choices and my health? Am I bringing glory to Him when I am overweight? This can be different for every person; I am not saying we have to fit a chart or a doctor's opionion. 

Losing 60 lbs in 2010 and looking the best I have looked in years....still put me HIGH on the "healthy" chart, but I really didn't feel it was healthy to lose 20 more lbs. Same as everything else in this journey GOD can reveal to you even those PRACTICAL answers of what He desires from you.  For me, I know where I have failed in my health and weight.  It's not about the fact that I have been pregnant 9 times or have had 5 c-sections or have no gallbladder (which studies show it's harder to lose weight without a gallbladder) or a million other "excuses" I could come up with.....GOD cares MORE about our heart to bring glory to Him, that HE will help us.  We just have to lay down all of those excuses......