Here is the question at the heart of the matter...why are you showing the love that you are to your spouse? Are you being patient and kind and loving so that you will receive from your spouse some sort of affirmation? Are you doing the work of love so that you will receive recognition? If you are looking for an "Atta boy (or girl)" from your spouse, you're heart is not right yet.
This is often a hard flaw to self-diagnose. As humans, we crave attention for doing good...especially from our spouses. Desiring that attention is not a bad thing. It only becomes a negative factor when it turns into our motivation for doing that which is good.
OK...I will share from my own life so that you don't feel all alone out there. I have a really bad habit of leaving my clean clothes in a HUGE pile in our bedroom. Serena does an amazing job at keeping our home clean and clothes washed. But, she does expect us to put our clean clothes away. Well, let's just say I am not the best at this. I get home from work and I am tired....I would rather hang out with the family...we are rushing out the door to some function. As a result, my clean clothes wind up piled up. I find what I need so it is not a big deal to me, but at times can be a big deal for Serena. So, being the selfish kind of person that I am, I often wait until it cannot be ignored any longer and she has harassed (I tease) me to no end and I finally give in and put them all away...only to start the whole process over again tomorrow.
I am seeking myself. It inconveniences me to put my clothes away. However, it inconveniences my wife, who I love to beyond words. If I was as giving and self-sacrificing as I think I am (or pretend to be) I would easily find the time to put my clothes away. I poke fun at myself to make a serious subject a bit lighter. But, this is only one situation.
What about the other areas of my life and your life? Men, do you wait to do things until the situation is primed for recognition from the wife? Women, do you neglect certain things and then...tada!...when your husband is looking it just happens?
Let's look at men and women and their needs and how we respond to them. I will start with the men because...well, I am one.
Men, we love the physical aspects of our marital relationship. It's ok...it's how we were created. It's ok to want to fulfill your sexual needs through your wife. But, men, we have to understand that we cannot be selfish and only fulfill ourselves. Your needs are important but what about your wife's needs. She needs to talk. Her need to communicate with words (both speaking and listening) is as important to her as your sexual drive. When you feel the need to "be" with your wife, think about how much time you allowed her to talk and share. Zip up your pants, open your ears, and fill your mouth with words (genuine ones work best)...quit being self-seeking and talk to her!
Women, we love to talk. It is the way we were created and its ok. It's ok to need more than conversation with a 3 year old to satisfy you. But, women, we have to understand that we cannot be selfish and only talk his ear off. Our need to talk is as important as his sexual needs. Sometimes talking is best left to another time. We would blow our husband's mind if we didn't talk and just came onto him. Quit being self-seeking and physically show some love to your husband--stop trying to decide if he met all of your needs that day BEFORE you give him what he wants. (this is a MARRIAGE blog, right?) If you haven't had sex with your husband in the last week (dare I say)......well, you think about it...what if you didn't get to have an adult conversation for a week? I, Serena, would go crazy!
This example is one of the biggest fractures that happen between husband and wives. Men want more sex, women want more communication. Give your spouse what they want before you get what you want. You may be more giving than what you receive back...but it's not about you...is it? It's about showing your spouse the love they need, not deserve.
Something to think about....
Josh and Serena
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