Excess Baggage

As we take a crash course in spiritual warfare, one of the things that we will find is that many times what we are doing is more aligning ourselves with where God is than it is about actually having to fight.  Over and over in the Word we see God going before His people and doing the work in order to secure the victory for Israel.  Remember Moses and the Red Sea (Exodus 14)?  Remember Joshua and the walls of Jericho (Joshua 6)?  Remember Gideon and the torches (Judges 7)?  2 Chronicles 20:22 says that "when the people began to sing and praise, the Lord set ambushes (notice: plural) against" the enemies of Israel.

We need to position ourselves to be in God's will but not in His way.  He doesn't need your input, opinions, or advice in order to accomplish what He wants to do in your marriage.  Nothing has happened to you, to your spouse, or between you and your spouse that He doesn't already know.  He needs you to follow closely behind Him, suited for battle, and when He gains the victory you will be there as well.

However, many times we are unable to follow closely behind God.  We may be suited for battle and ready to go...so we think.  Quite frequently (especially if we are not accustomed to doing this) there can be hidden, unknown, or forgotten things in our past, in our homes, in our previous generations, or in our lives currently that hinder us from being able to follow closely after God.  Excess baggage is what it is.  And its hard enough to stand without having to carry extra weight.

There's a story in Joshua 7 about Joshua and the city of Ai.  We encourage you to read it for yourself but we will hit the highlights.  Joshua has led Israel in the utter destruction of Jericho.  He proceeds on to Ai, which is a very small city.  He sends a small contingent of his forces to battle them.  And they get spanked!  Joshua tears his clothes and is distraught as to why they failed so miserably.  God reveals to him that there is an accursed thing in their midst and that they need to be sanctified.  As it turns out, a man named Achan kept some of the loot from Jericho, which was supposed to be destroyed, for himself.  Once the sin of Achan was dealt with, Joshua returns to Ai and destroys them.

Question to us is this: What is it that is hidden from public view (maybe even from us) that is causing us to be defeated?  This is a serious question that cannot and should not be answered quickly.

We need to a hard look at our life and ask God to reveal what we have lingering our lives that is stopping us from living in the victory that He is accomplishing.  It might be a significant item or moment that immediately comes to light; it might be something that would appear to be innocent but holds some deadly soul-ties for you.  Whatever it is it must be dealt with hard and fast.  Let's throw out some examples of things that could be hiding in and around our lives.

Pornography would be at the top of the list of things that could be lingering.  This is a topic that should be addressed all on its own.  But, for the moment, let's just throw this out there as something that will definitely hinder the hand of God from working in our lives.  Porn is a sin and an addiction that can grow to a deadly proportions very quickly.  It could be full-blown hard core videos and magazines or simply the revealing of more than is appropriate flesh scenes in movies and TV or even what we see when we as we walk around the local mall.

Zodiac signs, astrology, and other forms of fortune telling are some other things that may be evident in our life that we may be unaware of.  In the Old Testament (according to the laws of God), the people that practiced these things and those that consulted with them were worthy of death.  All of these things are considered witchcraft.

Other religions becoming mixed in with faith in Jesus Christ will stop us from tasting in the victory that God desires to win on our behalf.  This was one of the things that God told Israel specifically when they were crossing into the Promised Land.  We are told not to practice the customs and rituals that the pagans in the land practice.  The power of the Gospel is that it is Jesus Christ and Him alone!

Generational curses can be a serious source of bondage for us.  The things that our father, grandfathers (and on and on) did before we got here can trickle into our life.  Do some digging and learn what happened in your family tree years ago.  It might just be a shocking revelation for you.  You may find a history of divorce, adultery, fornication, drug use, alcoholism, abandonment, abuse, witchcraft to name a few.  What you find in your history needs to be brought before the Father and spiritually broken off of you and your family.  Research your spouse's history, too. 

Some other things that hinder us would be rebellion (to authority, parents, God), drug use (in Hebrew the word for witchcraft is the same word that we derive our word "pharmacy" from), and alcoholism. There could be something that is tied to pieces of clothing.  I (Josh) have thrown out lots of clothes that were tied to my running from God and my wife.  We have a friend that threw out dishes, suits, shaved his head, and broke his glasses in order to completely remove the association with the sin that crept into their marriage.

Our list here today is not all inclusive.  You need to do some serious soul searching.  Look at your life with a fine-toothed comb.  Question everything and its relevance to your life.  If it comes back with a sordid past or painful memories of failure, get rid of them.  You don't want some skeleton left hiding in your closet to derail the plans of restoration that God has for you.  You can't follow God carrying all that excess baggage.  That is exactly what sin is....excess baggage that keeps you from enjoying the victory and freedom that is in Christ.

Hebrews 12:1

Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a huge crowd of witnesses to the life of faith,

let us strip off every weight that slows us down, especially the sin that so easily trips us up.

And let us run with endurance the race God has set before us.

This is us positioning ourselves for God to do His greatest work!!  This is warfare!!  This is our life!!

Josh and Serena

Ready to follow God into the fight?

Wanna Fight?

We need to address a subject that many of you may not have much knowledge about.  That is spiritual warfare.  It is a subject that is pivotal to marital restoration success and one that needs to be taught more.  It is not one that should be taken lightly; it's very serious business.  There is no way that we can cover everything in one post.  This will be a few days to get the basics covered and we will probably come back to this more over time.  Like most of our topics we do not claim to be experts.  However, both of us grew up in churches where we were taught the reality and gravity of spiritual warfare.

When the terms spiritual warfare are used, (for the person unaccustomed to it) it will conjure up images of movies like The Exorcist,  and Paranormal Activity.  While they are based in some truth, Hollywood cannot accurately portray what is really happening in realm of the supernatural.  So, as we begin this conversation we will attempt to show what spiritual warfare is and how it should be applied to our marriages.

As we start to wage spiritual warfare for our marriages, we need to start at the beginning.  The beginning of spiritual warfare is not knowing what the demons and angels are up to.  In order for us to venture into the realm of spiritual warfare, we need to be dressed properly.  When you are getting ready to go into work, you dress for the task at hand.  If you are moving your home, you would not dress in a suit and tie or evening dress.  Why?  Because it is likely that you will get sweaty and dirty.  If you are going to work in your garden, you are not going to wear what you would if you were about to meet a distinguished member of your country's government.  You would dress accordingly.  If we are going out to battle the enemy of our souls for the health, vitality, and restoration of our marriage we should dress accordingly.

Ephesians 6:10-17

¹⁰ Finally, my brethren, be strong in the Lord and in the power of His might. ¹¹ Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand against the wiles of the devil. ¹² For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this age,^[c] against spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places. ¹³ Therefore take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand.
¹⁴ Stand therefore, having girded your waist with truth, having put on the breastplate of righteousness, ¹⁵ and having shod your feet with the preparation of the gospel of peace; ¹⁶ above all, taking the shield of faith with which you will be able to quench all the fiery darts of the wicked one. ¹⁷ And take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God;



This is our dress when we go out to fight.  And since we don't fight for our marriages a couple days out of the week or for a few hours a day, we need to be dressed for battle ALL THE TIME.  That way we can STAND at all times.

The armor goes on just as if you were dressing for war.   There is a reason why we the armor is described in this fashion.  Let's look at each of the pieces and why they are important...

Belt of Truth (waist girded with truth)

The reason that we put this on first is so that we are covered, first and foremost, with truth.  Not subjective truth but Absolute Truth.  The truth that comes from Jesus Christ.  When we know the truth, we cannot and will not be persuaded by lies.  The lies from the enemy fall on deaf ears once truth has spoken.  In Roman times (when this was written) this belt would be the same as a war skirts that soldiers would wear.  It covered the loins which, in both men and women, hold the reproductive organs.  We need to cover our ability to reproduce with truth.

Breastplate of Righteousness

We cover our vital organs with righteousness.  Not our own righteousness but the righteousness that comes from being in right standing with God.  Isaiah 64:6 says that our own righteousness is like filthy rags (aka women's menstrual pads...just being real, folks).  We need the righteousness of God to come and cover our heart.  The Bible says that out of the heart flow the issues of life and that out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks.  By keeping our heart covered with the righteousness of God, it keeps it right before Him and as a result keeps our heart tender.

Gospel of Peace Shoes

As we struggle to keep ourselves in a right mind, we will eventually fail.  Our minds will go to dark places.  However, when we make our foundation (our feet) one of peace, even the most hideous of storms will not cause is to lose our peace.  We need to strap them on tight.  Philippians 4:7 is part of a prayer we should pray...that the peace of God that passes understanding would guard our hearts and minds.  The road to marital restoration is tumultuous at its best.  Put on the shoes that will allow you to have peace in your stance.

Shield of Faith

Above all, make sure grab this everyday.  With it you will not only stop but quench or extinguish the fiery darts from the enemy.  The shield of faith is what will enable you to see your marriage through the lies of what it looks like right now.  Your faith will allow you to see God coming through when it looks like all is lost.  This shield is one that you can completely hide behind when the battle becomes to ferocious and still be safe.  This shield has the ability to join together with other fellow warriors and standers to make an impenetrable wall.  Your faith in Jesus will become your greatest defense.  Your faith in Him will stand for you when it seems like you are unable to make it.

Helmet of Salvation

Where does our salvation come from?  It does not come from Dr. Phil or Oprah.  It does not come from any other.  Our salvation comes from the One who took death, hell, and the grave on the chin and came back victorious from them.  In Exodus 14:16, when Israel was facing the Red Sea on one side and the armies of Egypt on the other, Moses told Israel to STAND still and see the salvation of the Lord.  This helmet covers our eyes so that we see like He sees.  He sees in the realm of faith and impossibilities.  This helmet covers our ears.  The enemy is screaming his lies and we are able to only hear the gentle but firm

 voice of our King.  It covers our mind so that the mind that was in Christ Jesus would be in us (Philippians 2:5).  It covers our mouth so that we only speak what we hear the King saying.  And if, God forbid that your shield isn't up, your helmet will not allow Satan to take you out with one shot.

Sword of the Spirit

Our only offensive weapon but one that can cut through anything.  Hebrews 4:12 says that it is living and powerful and is able to pierce to the division of soul and spirit.  The Word of God needs to not only be hidden in your heart (Psalms 119:11) but also in your mouth (Joshua 1:8).  We need to become proficient with the Word of God.  Memorize it.  Meditate on it.  This does not mean to sit in a difficult yoga pose and clear your mind.  It actually means to FILL your entire being with His Words.  Even Jesus, when battling Satan while He was fasting in the wilderness, didn't fight with any other weapon.  He spoke the words that the Father had long ago authored.  If it worked for Jesus, it should work for us.

The only area that is not covered is our back.  The reason for that is that the King never intended for us to turn our back to the fight.  We are expected to advance.  And if we cannot advance, we are told to stand.  Don't give up ground that has already been taken.

Now that we are dressed, we are ready to fight.  But, don't stop with outfitting yourself with for the fight.  Dress your spouse for battle.  They may not be able to do it for themselves but you can for them.  I did it for Josh while he was gone.  It is likely the only thing that kept his life from being snatched before his time.  Dress your kids.  The enemy doesn't just want your marriage; he wants the destiny of your kids, too.  If he can take out their future by destroying your marriage now, he will.  Don't let him!

Get your armor on...EVERYDAY!!!  We have only begun to fight!!

Josh and Serena

We fight together!!

DONE!!!

I'M DONE!!!  I CAN'T KEEP GOING ON LIKE THIS!!!  I CAN'T KEEP DOING THIS ANYMORE!!!

Have you been there?  Have you said it?  Sometimes our marriages can cause us to express our emotions in a way that doesn't describe how we really feel.  Most of the time when we say things like this it is usually said out of our extreme frustration to be unable to affect the change that we want to see in our lives.  We usually don't mean that we CANNOT do it; we just know deep down that what our life is and what God designed it to be don't match and we don't know how to make them match.

Something that must be considered when making these statements is this: our spouses may not be able to fully comprehend what we mean.  Don't be surprised when our spouses respond by giving you what you want...or what you say you want.

We need to be very careful with our words.  The Bible says that life and death are in the power of the tongue.  And for us to be careless with our words because of frustration is to wield a deadly weapon with no regard to the damage we are causing.

So, really we want to make our perception of our marriage and God's destiny for it to match.  How do we do it?  There are lots of things we can do to be prepared for that to happen and one of the major ones is by how we talk.  What we say about our spouse, what we say about our marriages, what we say about what we will be able to handle, and what we say about our belief in what God is able to do will all affect the final outcome.

If you were to hang out with us for a while...you know, go through a few times of trials, struggles, or illness...you would hear us do a lot of talking about what we BELIEVE that God will do.  It's called speaking faith.

Now, this is not the kind of faith talking that you find late at night from some wild-haired televangelist.  And it's not the kind of name-it-and-claim-it that many churches teach as gospel.  This is simply believing in what the Father put in His Word as promises given to us and for us to claim as our own.  So, when we are sick, you would hear us declaring that we are the healed of the Lord and that He paid for our complete healing.  And when we are facing serious financial crisis, you would hear us boldly saying that He is our provider and that He takes care of His children so that they are free from worry.

When it comes to our marriages, we (you and us both) need to begin to speak the things that the Father is able to do in our own hearts and the hearts of our spouse, as well as in the life and health of our marriage.  God's Word says things like, "what God has put together let no man put asunder" and "they are no longer two but one flesh" (Matt. 19:6).  His Word says that He can turn the hearts of kings like rivers (Proverbs 21:1)  In Ezekiel 11:19 and 36:26 it says that He will put a new heart and spirit in us.

It says a whole lot more that you can claim as promises from the Master.  Find them.  Pray them.  Speak them over your life and believe that He is able to bring them to fulfillment.  Because you're not really done...you're just frustrated.  Take that frustration and use it to make your stand.  Stand on the Word and what the Father put in it.  The Word works!!

Josh and Serena

Waiting

We are writing to you from a hospital room in northern Colorado with the newest addition to our family, a brand new baby boy.  We delivered him this morning.  It was quite a journey of waiting and standing to bring him into the world.  It makes us think about where some of us may be in our marriages.

We strive to be an all-natural family.  We try to eat healthy, live healthy, and attempt to have our children naturally.  But, we fail in things sometimes.  We eat Pizza Hut now and then and we probably don't exercise enough.  And our birth stories don't always turn out the way we would hope.  However, we do put lots of effort into what we believe though.

We had hoped to have an unassisted home birth.  We know...we are kind of crazy!!  But, after 10 hours of labor at home we ended up with a C-section due to extremely high blood pressure.  Now, this is not about the merits and dangers associated with home births and C-sections.  This is about standing for what you believe in spite of what the "experts" may say.

You see, we knew that having a home birth was a long shot but one we were willing to take.  It is something that we believed.  So, we worked at it for 10 hours...laboring, breathing, resting, and relaxing.  Doing all the things that you are supposed to do to make it happen.  We pushed against the doctors for what we believed and what we wanted.  And despite what the doctors say, the labor we worked through showed up in the health of our son.  And even though the road to meeting our new son was not what we had hoped, we believe that the road was determined by God Himself and that the ending still glorifies Him.

Now to our marriages....maybe the road that you are walking is not the one that you had hoped for or imagined.  Maybe what the "experts" are telling you and what you believe that God has said don't line up.  Maybe there is more labor that you need to do before the fulfillment comes.  Whatever the case...what are you waiting for?

Are you waiting for the restoration of your marriage or are you waiting to be right?  Are you waiting to see your spouse be touched by the spirit of God or are you waiting just for them to come home?  Are you waiting for the completion of the total work or are you willing to settle for a temporary fix?

We dare you to push for what you believe!!  We dare you to contend for the best even if it means more pain!!  We dare you to trust God with the outcome of your marriage and the road that it takes to get there!!  It may not be (probably won't be) the path you would have chosen.  But, if the way that He chooses for you gets you to the desired end, does it matter the path?  Does the pain matter if you win bigger than you had hoped?  With your eyes firmly set on the Master, the pain you endure and the time you wait doesn't matter.

Bring on the pain if it means God wins and, in turn, you win!

Romans 8:18

Yet what we suffer now is nothing compared

 to the glory he will reveal to us later.

What are you waiting for?

Josh and Serena

To All the Critics...

Recently, we have seen a very thinly veiled attempt to bring condemnation against us for our stand on marriage.  We should not have been surprised when it came our direction.   It does, however, break our heart that people would think that we would stand in judgment over them for choices that we may disagree with.

Our sincere desire, whenever you read our musings on standing for your marriage, is never to make you feel little or ashamed for where you currently are in your marriage.  Many times we do have Scriptural backing for what we believe; other times it is simply what we have learned.  And, quite a lot of the time, He is teaching us even as we are writing the post for the next day.

Let us clarify some things that you may have misunderstood or misinterpreted about us and the stance we have taken for us and our marriage, you and your marriage, and for the friends and their marriages that we have yet to meet.

We have chosen to stand for our marriage.  We believe that our marriage is a gift that the Father has given us for the purpose of completing the things in us that would be incomplete without our spouse, for the procreation of a Godly family, meeting the physical needs of companionship, pleasure, enjoyment, and sex.  This does not mean that there are never hard or difficult times.  In reality, it is more of a guarantee of hard or difficult times.  Marriage is a union of two people becoming one person.  The problem is that both parties are bringing their different personalities and characteristics into the relationship and attempting to make them mesh together.  And whenever you do anything that involves people, it is bound to get messy and someone will get hurt at some point.  But, it does not mean that we give up as soon as it gets messy.  When people get married they need to be told that life will get messy, you might lose who you thought you were but in the midst of the mess and the process of life you will become someone much better because you have allowed someone else into your life and have chosen to be a part of them regardless of the pain. Vows are not based on how hard you try but you can give up eventually....remember you said, "'til deathdo us part'.  What you really said was, "I am going to work at this until death." 

We have chosen that divorce is not an option.  But, that does not mean you have to believe like us.  The Bible does teach us that God ALLOWS for divorce, in cases of infidelity.  But, that was not the way He intended it to be.  Over and over throughout Scripture we see God enacting laws and guidelines for us because of the hardness of our hearts. God says He hates divorce.  Our goal should be to hate what He hates.  We are all on a journey towards this, there are many things in our life that God hates....working on removing those should be our focus. 

Israel begged and pleaded for a king to rule over them when God specifically told them that He desired to rule over them.  What was the end result for their begging for a king?  The ended up with generations of men that sat on the throne that were wicked, horrible, evil men.  Yes, they did have some good kings in the mix but when you look at their history you quickly notice evil men constantly on the throne.  I wonder what would have happened had Israel listened to God and let Him be their King; would the Middle East be in the turmoil it is in now?

God desired for us to be in an intimate relationship with Him with nothing between us....like back in the garden of Eden.  But, again, due to our hardened heart and sin we got kicked out.

In 1 Corinthians 12 Paul is teaching about spiritual gifts and how they are to operate.  As that chapter closes he says, "Let me show you a way of life that is best of all." and then proceeds into what is known as the "Love Chapter."  The best way is the way of love.  Not the kind of love we talked about the past couple of weeks but the kind of love that Jesus embodied in His life and His sacrifice on the cross.

Divorce is no different.  God allows for it because of OUR hard hearts.  It is a lawful thing in cases of infidelity.  It is our belief (NOT BIBLE-BASED) that our culture has manipulated the purposes of divorce and now it is running rampant.  People turn to divorce because our culture has made it the easiest way...but it is not the best way.

God's way is the best way.  His way is not our way.  Our way is lacking, to put it mildly.  The Father is desiring for us to rise up to where He is.  Obviously, we fail at this continually and can never attain His level of reasoning but that does not mean that we should not make an attempt, no matter how feeble it seems to Him.  We will never be perfect as He is but He wants us to at least try.

Some good friends of ours told us a story recently that illustrates this well.  The wife is deaf and they are teaching their young kids sign language.  When they put their kids to bed they say, "I love you" in sign.  Their oldest, who was only 3 at the time, made the sign back to them....flawed and imperfect but they understood and were overjoyed.  What do you think it does to the Father's heart when He sees His children attempting to imitate Him?  We are flawed and imperfect in our attempts but still we try.  I believe that He is thrilled at our tries, even if we fail He understands.

Here is the point...we want to help you in any way we can to make you marriage and your life better imitate Him.  If you choose divorce or have had one, we do not stand in judgment over you.  We still want the best life for you; it might mean that you walk a more difficult road but God is bigger than the circumstance or the divorce.  Our pathetic lives and choices cannot throw off God's plan for us.  He is sovereign and can bring us to where He wants us.

And if you choose to stand for your marriage, you have fellow fighters here that you can call upon.  Our prayers did not change; the prayer is still for the best in your life.

We believe that we are choosing God's more excellent way.  We want to help you make that same choice.  Not so that we can have a following...we could care less about that.  We want to see you be everything that He is capable of making you and your marriage.

There is no situation or circumstance so great that He is not greater still!!

With all the love we have to give you,
Josh and Serena

How, How, How?

I (Serena) get this question constantly.  How did you do it?  I mean, really?  Fellow Standers, this is not about how...it's different for every one of us in terms of the exact details of HOW.  BUT it's grace for the situation you are in--Grace comes from the Lord.

Grace: God's sovereign divine ability to get the job done on our behalf when we can't do it ourselves.  God's power in me to do what His will demands of me.  (Definition courtesy of Pastor Jim Cobrae, The Rock Church and World Outreach Center)

A good explanation of grace is found in the epistle to the Philippians: "For it is God which worketh in you both to will and to do of His good pleasure" (2:13).

God resists the proud; it is to the humble that He gives grace. Faith (the kind that comes from God) is the knowledge of God's will for you, and grace is the God-given desire and power to do His will.

Faith without action is dead, and you can only accomplish God's revealed will as you humble yourself before Him and receive the grace to do it. The Christian's sinful nature is still with him until he leaves his body, and if you were left to yourself you would not do God's will---you would have neither the desire nor the power to do it. Without Him you can do nothing (John. 15:5).  So, really, this is NOT about me...this is about Christ in me. When I realize that it was too hard to keep GOING...most often it was because of those times in prayer were not what they SHOULD be; TOO much whining and not enough seeking His face! 

Grace in a crisis may just need to be accessed at every moment.  Many times I had to get that measure of grace.  We can all access it, but we have to do the work.  God will supply it.

Josh and Serena

Prayer

Many times as we share our story, one on one or through this blog, we are asked what changed Josh's heart or what brought the whole ordeal to an end.  The answer always is...PRAYER!

Not good thoughts or staying positive but PRAYER!  Not positive confessions or counseling but PRAYER!  Not making any major changes or ultimatums but PRAYER!  Not meditation or finding yourself but PRAYER!

The only thing that changed the outcome of our marriage was prayer.  The only thing that broke through the cold and calloused heart that Josh had developed was prayer.  The only thing that caused Serena to hold on in spite of what was going on was her time in prayer.

We realize that we are sharing this blog with many other people around the world that may not believe like we do or may not understand our faith.  So, let it be known that when we speak of prayer we are speaking about conversing with the Triune God, the King of kings, the Father, the Son (Jesus Christ), and the Holy Ghost.  We believe that only He is able to do exceedingly abundantly above all that we could ask or think.  Only He is able to do the impossible.  Any other god does not have power to save.  We place our faith and trust and hope in the only God able to save, Jesus Christ.

Many of you may have never prayed in your life.  We mean, REALLY prayed!!  Don't let it scare you or cause you turmoil.  Prayer is simply having a conversation with God, sharing with Him your concerns and your heart and Him sharing with you His truth and His heart.  So, often we think that prayer is telling God all about our problems and then leaving that place of prayer before He has a chance to respond to the outpouring of your heart.  But, we need to learn to wait for His answer.  He will ALWAYS respond to His child's cry for help.

When our marriage began to fall to pieces, Serena found a place of prayer that she could be real with God.  It was a place where she lived her life daily.  Her prayer time became her life, not only something that she did when times got rough.  She had always knew how to pray but never had the load laid upon her that required her to dig deep into that place of prayer.  Through her times of prayer her ears became tuned to the frequency of God's heart and she learned to hear His still and calm voice clearly through the screaming of lies from the enemy.

We would encourage you to learn the language of prayer.  Learn to bring the cries of your heart before the Master.  Discipline your life and carve out time where you will be able to hear from the heart of God as He responds to you.  Pray for your spouse.  However, don't pray selfish prayers that would make you feel better.  Pray prayers that would call the perfect and divine will of God to come down, infiltrate, and affect change in their life...but not for your own peace of mind but for the glorification of the Father God.  If you will ask God to glorify Himself through you, your spouse, and your marriage He will come to you and your aid in such a mighty way that you will have to hold on for what is about happen.

You see, God is all about bringing the most glory to Himself.  And if you will get on board with that and make that your prayer, He will answer.  These are the prayers that God will answer every time.  It may not be the way that you think it should be but it will be the maximum glory for Him.  And if He is glorified, His child will be at peace.

As our situation progressed from bad to worse, Serena's prayers were not for me to come home.  Yes, she wanted me home but she would rather have had me right with God if that would be the lasting change that was needed.  She was willing to sacrifice the temporary joy of having me before the fulfillment of the work was complete for the lasting sactisfaction of knowing that my heart was in right standing before God.  A hard to prayer to pray but one that caused her to trust God more the more she prayed it.

Find your place of prayer.  It might be a physical place that you have to go....an empty closet, your garage, your lunch break even.  One lady used to make her place of prayer by pulling her apron over her head.  or it might be a place you go within yourself.  Anything you have to do in order to find alone time with God where you and He can speak freely.

Prayer will change...everything!  It will change your situation.  It will change your spouse!  But, most importantly it will change you.

Josh and Serena

Love Don't Run

Whenever we post a video, hopefully, we inspire you to keep fighting just a little bit longer for your marriage.  Sometimes the inspiration may come from Christian places, sometimes it might come through other means.  Today it comes through a country western song.  Truth is truth no matter where it comes from.  So, don't run!  (Disclaimer: It has some mild language in the first couple lines.  But, if you are walking this road, you will understand.)

Us

As we look back over the past few months and years, it is so incredibly humbling to stand here and witness what the Lord has done and is doing in and through us.  There are so many times that we have surreal moments about what our life and where we are today.

We think it might be good for some of you to get to know us a bit.  Many of you that read our blog know us personally and have for some time.  However, most of you don't know us at all.  And here you are reading what we post everyday...maybe even applying what we share in the hopes that it will somehow change your marriage.  We will attempt to share some things about who we are and what makes us like this.

Both of us grew up in Christian homes...strong ones, too.  We were in full-time pastoral ministry for 10 years.  We were both home-schooled and are doing so with our own children.  We have allowed the Father to plan our family. 

We believe in Jesus, not because that was what we were taught as children but because we have witnessed His loving grace and mercy for ourselves.  We are pretty normal on the outside.  We love to have people over in our home and just hang out and do life with them.

We never try to push our beliefs on others or force them to believe like we do.  We let the life that we live be our testimony.  We are the same in public as we are in private.  What we write here on this blog is how we live our life.  We are not perfect, by no means.  But, we are constantly trying to live a more committed life before God.

We love to grill outdoors.  We love to spend time with our kids.   Sometimes, its playing the Wii (we had a Wii Mario marathon during the winter months....3 days of lounging in the living room playing!) or family movie night, other times its taking a hike in the hills together or going fishing.  We love our friends.  We try to be the friends that we want to have.  We do our best to be there for those that need us...be it a phone call, a text, or coffee and a conversation.

We love the real....real people, real relationships, real life.  We have a hard time relating to the fake....fake people, fake relationships, fake drama.  We would rather have an honest and frank conversation than to just to have a surface, superficial friendship.

We believe in standing for marriage because we know it works.  We keep ourselves low before God and near Him because we know that is the ONLY way we can ever hope to have any kind of success.  We believe and ground our life on the fact that God is BIGGER than anything or anyone.  We believe that there is nothing He cannot do.  We have learned (or should we say that we are still learning) to stay out of His way while He is working.

We love each other more now than when we got married.  We no longer look to the other to be our source for life.  We are stronger now after the storm.  We have been battle-tested and know each other's strengths and weaknesses; therefore, we know when we need to step it up and be there for the other. 

Really, we are normal.  We love to make each other laugh and can poke fun at ourselves easily.  We are each other's best friend.  We love to hang out with each other.

We are pastors without a church but God has seen fit to bring people to us that need pastoring.  So, that is what we will do as long as He allows.  This is some of who we are and some of what makes us tick.

Josh and Serena

A Prayer

Father,

I'm tired.  I'm confused becoming increasingly frustrated.  I have done all that I can think of that is right and godly.  I don't know what more to do.

I know better than to ask You "why".  But, that is all I feel like asking You for right now.  I realize that You know best but it's hard for me to not question You and Your ways.  I guess that is the problem when me and my finite existence tries to comprehend You and Your infinite majesty.

This season in my life is harder than I think I can handle.  I never envisioned that this is where I would find myself in life.  My heart is screaming for You and it seems like You aren't listening.  I know that this isn't true; You always hear me when I call.  But, why are You so long in Your answer.

I hope You don't mind my honesty.  You already know what I am feeling inside so I might as well make it known in words to You.

Since You haven't answered the question of why I am where I am, will You give me strength to keep my head high and shoulders squared back?  Give me the strength to shoulder this season without complaint?  I know You have all I need and more.

Oh, and could You grant some peace to me, as well?  Your peace ends the confusion and clears the fog from my mind and spirit.  Your peace silences all the voices that speak lies to me and tries to make me quit.  You have brought me to far to leave me now.

You know my heart.  I hate it when I doubt You.  Sometimes my spirit is not as strong as it should be and I slip into the flesh.  Can You help my unbelief?  Will You show me more of who You are so that my doubts flee?  I know You already do, but will You show me more of Your love so that my fears flee, also?

I guess I sound kind of needy, huh?

May I tell You thank You?  Thank You for all You have done for me.  You have faithfully brought me manna in my wilderness.  You have not missed a day.  And I don't think You will.  You've told me all about Your mercies and how You make them new for me each day.  I love those.  It's pretty much the only reason that gets me out of bed each day.  You have filled me with Your own Spirit.  For all of that I am so grateful.

Now, will You help me show this grace and love to my spouse?  I won't be able to do it without You.  I am  going to take a big risk here and tell You that You can use me to show my spouse all the things that You are able to do.  I am Your willing vessel.  I put my own desires aside so that through me You would be glorified to the fullest.

I love You more than anything!

Your child

PLEASE...DO NOT GIVE UP!!

You may or may not know this but we are currently expecting our 6th child any day now.  The Lord has richly blessed us.  As you can imagine we have lots of family coming around to help out.  Serena's mom came out 3 weeks ago and my mom arrived about a week and a half ago.

As a surprise my dad made plans to show up unannounced to everyone.  He called me to make sure I would be able to pick him up from the airport that night.  It was a great surprise for everyone.  However, I paid the price the next day.

You see, we live about an hour and 15 minutes from the airport.  His plane arrived at 12:30 AM.  We didn't leave the airport until after 1:00 AM.  Then once we got home we had to let everyone know.  Needless to say, I didn't go to bed until almost 3:00 AM and had to be up for work at 7:00 AM.  I am sure I didn't actually fall asleep until after 4:00 AM.  I ended up with a full day's work load running off of 3 hours of sleep.  I was miserable while at work.  But, I didn't have the option to call in or not show up.  I have responsibilities and people counting on me being there.  I have bills that need paying and mouths to feed.  I have a family that depends on me to working to provide for our life.

As I looked back on the situation I was in a couple days ago, it made me think about how Serena was and how some of you may be in the fight for your marriage.

The person you are married to may not be acting the way they should.  They may be doing everything that is imaginable to push you away.  They may be walking, RUNNING the wrong way as fast as they can.  But, you believe in marriage....YOUR MARRIAGE!!  You have chosen to fight for what belongs to you!  You may have grounds to divorce your spouse but you have chosen to trust God to fix it.  You are standing regardless of how bad you have been hurt because you believe that God is able.

PLEASE....DO NOT GIVE UP!!  Just as I shared how I had to go to work because my family was depending on me to work, someone is depending on you to stand!  Your spouse doesn't even know it but they are depending on you to stand and fight for your marriage.  Yea...it's hard and it hurts.  I have seen it all too well in the eyes and life of my wife.  It hurts me now to know what I put her through.

PLEASE...DO NOT GIVE UP!!  This is coming from someone that didn't know that I was depending on my spouse to stand for us.  All glory goes to Jesus for what He did in our life but Serena was the one that had to do the work in the natural.  I needed her to stand because I was too cowardly to do so myself.  Where we are today is due to her diligence in standing her ground in the face of lies and in the midst of hurt and pain.

PLEASE...DO NOT GIVE UP!!  If you are standing for your marriage through the onslaught of the enemy, take heart.  It's not only you and your spouse you are fighting for; you're also fighting for other marriages of friends and family.  You're fighting for marriages in your town and abroad.  There are untold multitudes of people that are waiting to see if anyone else is able to bring restoration to their broken marriages.

We know...you're tired and want to just curl up in a ball.  You want to cry for days on end.  You want it all to just be over.  You want to wake up from this nightmare and have life be the way it was supposed to be.  It's OK to feel that way.  It's OK to cry.  It's even OK to be mad angry PISSED OFF at what the devil is trying to do to you and your spouse!  Just....PLEASE...DO NOT GIVE UP!!

Josh

If It Feels Good...

Today's little conversation on sex comes from you..."How important is good sex?"  If you need today's post to be short....yes, good sex is important.  If you stick around for a little longer, we'll share some of what we think about good sex and our measure of such.

Yes, good sex is important to a marriage.  Your marriage should not be based on it but it is a crucial piece.  You didn't marry your spouse because they were attractive to your eyes, they had other qualities that drew you to them.  But, physical appearance did play a role in the relationship.  Sex is no different.  Sex should not the basis for a marriage but it plays its role.

Here is the problem with good sex versus bad sex; it is a concept that is based in the twisted imaginations of our culture.  Think about it...did Adam and Eve ever have bad sex?  I don't think so.  They were participating in an activity that God designed for their pleasure.  Differentiating between good and bad sex started when we (people in general) began to have different and numerous partners.  We began to judge that Joe Bob was better in the sack than Billy Bob.  (No offense if your name is Joe, Billy, or Bob or any combination of them)  And Sally was a better lay than Sue.  (Again...no offense intended)  As a result, many of us that had never been with anyone other than our spouse hear these things and may wonder, "Am I missing out on something?  Am I having good sex?"

Sex was never meant to be a competition about who was better than whom.  Sex was never meant to be a physical salad bar where you get to pick the partners you like and don't like.  This goes against what we hear from the world.  We are told that we should experiment with different partners doing different things.  We are asked the question, "How do you know that he/she will be good in bed?"  The answer is...YOU WERE NEVER MEANT TO KNOW THAT!!!  Knowledge of another's sexual prowess was never meant to be an indicator of whether they would be a good spouse.

If the only person that you knew sexually was your spouse you would have nothing else to compare it to.  No other memories flooding in when you are with your spouse.  You would not know the difference between good and bad sex.  Sex would always be good.  There would be no bad times.

When we were first married we used to ask each other all the time, "How was it?"  The answer never came back, "Oh, not very good.  You were off tonight."  We would ask each other this because we, too, were caught up in the idea of that it was good sometimes and not so good other times.  We have since learned differently.  We don't have bad sex.  We just don't.  I mean...c'mon....it's sex!!  Not that sometimes it is better than others.  There are times when we spend more time doing what the other likes than we get for ourselves.  But, many times the giving of pleasure is just as fun as getting.  We wouldn't even know what bad sex felt like.  We get to be intimate with each other the way God made for us to be and that is ALWAYS good!!

So, now the question could be raised, " How do we improve our sex life?"  Answer...do whatever you want!  According to the Word of God, (Hebrews 13:4) the marriage bed is undefiled.  Within the confines of the marriage bed....anything goes!  You and your spouse can do whatever in the marriage bed that makes the other feel pleasure without fear of guilt or shame.  If one of you is uncomfortable about something, don't do it.  But, feel free to play around.  Sex within the marriage bed was made for you to have fun!  So, have fun.  It doesn't matter if you are inexperienced.  You have your spouse to learn with.  Learn what they enjoy and tell them what pleasures you.  Being vocal about what you like and dislike will help tremendously.

Keep the questions coming...

Josh and Serena

Desire or Lack Of?

So, one of the questions that started this whole talk about sex was in regards to, "What do you do when you don't feel like it?"  It's a great question; one which many of us are afraid to ask.  So, what do you do?

There are a few different ways to look at it.  You can look at it from the standpoint of a time of pleasure for you and your spouse or simply as the fulfillment of a basic need.  It can be thought of as a ministry towards your spouse.  It can be a sacrifice; something that you are willing to offer for the sake of your spouse.  It can even be a moment of spirituality where there are times that it can be one of these, a different reason altogether, or all at the same time.

In a perfect world the best sex would happen when the husband comes home from work and the site of him stimulates his wife.  He responds to her by sitting with her and asking about her day and then assisting her in the remainder of the household chores.  This, in turn, causes her to want to please him in anyway possible.  When they do come to the act of sex, both are highly aroused by the each other's thoughtfulness, care, and compassion shown and fulfill each other's sexual desires until they pass out.

But, we don't live in a perfect world.  We become selfish and want what we want when we want it.  No thought goes into what the other has experienced in their day or how they are feeling.  And both husbands and wives are to blame for this.

Husbands are usually to blame for forcing sex on their wives.  Husbands sometimes use guilt, coercion, bartering, or (sadly) physicality to get what they want.  Selfishness in sex is usually more visible in men because it is what men want.  And they will sometimes do whatever they must in order to get it.  This is not meant as an excuse for their behavior.  They should be able to control their testosterone and desires.  Husbands need to learn that sex is not always about them and their needs.

But, wives don't get off the hook so easily.  They are just as much to blame as are husbands.  Wives display their selfishness most often by NOT giving their bodies to their husbands.  They will withhold sex as a punishment, a tool to get what they want in other areas, or as vehicle to wield power over their husbands.  Wives are not excused, either.  They should learn to be giving of what they have.  Wives must learn that sex is not about how they feel at the moment.

So, to go back to the original question (What do you do when you don't want to?) you MUST learn to hear from God and what He would have you do in the individual situation.  This is a MUST for you to learn not only in this area but in EVERY area.  What does God want you to do?  Or how does He want to use me in this situation.

Husbands, you have a special role to play here.  One of the greatest things you can learn is the ability to sacrifice your needs for your wife's.  Although rare, there are times when she needs sex and you don't feel like it.  You can fulfill her needs in this area.  Husbands, unlike your wife you don't need to have a conversation about your feelings to become turned on by your wife.  If your wife told you that she NEEDED sex....BAM!!!...you're in the mood!  You may not have been in the beginning but God wired you differently than your wife.  However, sacrificing for your wife usually means that you PURPOSE not to be so vocal and demanding about your needs and learn what EXACTLY she needs.

Wives, the giving of your body to your husband when you are not in the mood can speak volumes to him about your care for Him.  Your husband may have had the worst day of his life and is looking for some sort of release to take him away for a time.  You can do this for him.  The way God made the woman's body was intended for the pleasure of her husband.  This can be an EXTREMELY powerful weapon against dark forces seeking to grab hold of your husband.  And this has been given to you....ALONE!  Don't wield against him; use it to strengthen him in ways that only you can.  Vocal affirmation from friends and coworkers is great and monetary compensation from your employer is nice but when a wife gives herself fully to her husband in sex, it can place in him the fire to endure the fight a little while longer.

OK....you're the spouse that doesn't want to or is having some problems in this area.  There is no condemnation here.  Just a nudge to reevaluate where you are at the moment.  Your willingness to pleasure your spouse can become a source of joy and connection to them even in the face of difficulty and adversity.  But, a vital key to reclaiming this area in our lives is becoming closer to God and intimate with Him.  Become intimate with God and you can become intimate with your spouse.

We've said it here before but remember this...sex and emotional release are basic needs for husbands and wives just like hunger.  You like to eat every day, right?  Well, husbands want that physical part and wives want the emotional part FREQUENTLY.  Think about it...

Josh and Serena

P.S.  Got a question...ask it!

Sex Ed

We will embarking on a delicate journey for a few days.  It might make you a bit uncomfortable but it is one of those subjects needs to be addressed more frequently.  As you can tell from the title...you guessed it...SEX!!  We want to talk about it in frank terms...the way it should be taught.  But, we do not want to share this the way the world teaches it; we want to share about it the way that God made it and intended it to be.

In our culture today how we see sex portrayed is a wrong picture.  What we see displayed in movies, written about in Cosmopolitan magazine, and shared on the talk shows is not the way God made it.  Sex is a beautiful thing!  Sex was given to us by God!  What is seen in culture today is a lie from the enemy that we believe.  We are told by society that sex is supposed to sound a certain way or look a certain way or that it has to be done a certain way.

If we think about our ideas of sex and how it is supposed to be, we can usually trace it back to a time when we were first exposed to sexual things and how we responded to those things.  It might be a movie we saw, a conversation we had, or some risque or even pornographic pictures we saw.  Whatever it might have been those first exposures burn into our impressionable, young minds the hows, whys, and wheres of sex.  What would be the outcome if our first exposures to sex were made by godly men and women that we looked up to in our lives, hearing from the Word of God and from a morally sound basis?  I dare say that our perceptions of sex would be greatly different.

The beauty and divine purpose of sex can be seen within our very physical make-up.  The way that God made men's and women's bodies to fit together perfectly is irrefutable evidence of His plan for sex.  He made it for our pleasure and for our ability to reproduce....all for His glory.  The act of a husband and wife coming together in the act of sex is much more than just a physical act.  The way that God made it involves the physical, the emotional, and the spiritual.  The bond that takes place between two individuals when the act of sex occurs is one of the deepest and strongest that happens in our human existence.  And that is why the enemy of our souls seeks to devalue, distort, and destroy our sex lives.

So, for the next few days we would invite you to ask questions...questions about its purpose, your desires, how to spice it up, etc.  Go ahead and ask either through the blog email or on the comment page (don't worry...we won't post the comments!).  We're gonna take a big risk here...no question is off limits, ok?  With that being said, we'll tell you right now...this will make us as uncomfortable as it will you!  But, this is the type of forum we need more often in Christianity; an honest, open, and frank discussion about one of the most important areas or our marriages.  Honestly, we don't assume to have all the answers about sex.  But, we believe that we can learn the answers from the One who created it.  So, ask away and we'll all blush together.

Josh and Serena

The Other Side

Perhaps you read Josh's account of yesterday and thought, "Wow, that's really nice that Serena was able to watch a movie with Josh while he was being so distant."  What you don't realize is how perspective and attitude can make all of the difference in the world.  Do you know how DIFFICULT that week really was for me?  I mean, think about it.....I just had a c-section. My husband was there, but he had just come from another woman's arms only minutes before arriving to see how I was feeling.  He had all of his opinions about how my birth should go, and yet he had not been "my husband."  I was dealing with all of the emotions of my children who REALLY believed that when the baby was born--SURELY that would be the moment Daddy decided he was coming home. Let's not forget that I had just had a baby, and those hormones....well, they are NOT always fun to deal with OR keep in check.

To hear him say I had to spend an entire week with Josh "helping" out with the baby was gut-wrenching.  Really?  You mean I "HAVE" to spend time with you?  I am tired!!  Do I have the energy?  Because you see...that wasn't REALLY about him helping me.  He wanted to look good in the eyes of "the other woman."  Oh, I am not dumb; I knew this.  BUT he was going to be in OUR HOUSE!!!  Regardless of circumstances on the outside, this was a BIT of what I prayed for....the opportunity to show God's love, for him to FEEL it.  So, I knew without a doubt that THIS was my opportunity to flood the heavenlies with my crys and prayers.  Josh would be coming home, and he needed to feel a VAST difference in OUR  home vs. the world.  Could I do it? 

God can give us a supernatural strength, if we only ask, and allow Him to use us. I anointed things with oil; I prayed where I knew he would sit.  Each morning was spent walking through the house and commanding an overwhelming peace to be in our home, that it would be a presence SO thick that it would be HARD to not acknowledge.  Through the heartache and turmoil would Josh be able to FEEL what I prayed?  Believing that GOD is powerful enough to make that happen....that's why you have to get closer to HIM in order to truely stand.  This isn't about how long YOU can stand, this is about how close you are to GOD and His ability to stand through you.  He is standing FOR you in those moments of pure exhaustion and weakness.

Some mornings I was so exhausted, but I had to pray that God would just remove the affects. A few times I called family to come check on me, as I had a rough recovery, in the natural.  Being angry and bitter towards Josh would NOT have allowed for the environment I felt the Lord was wanting to create in my home, so I remained prayerful.  Bruising from the surgery was worse than I have ever experienced, but I knew that GOD was taking care of it all--and He did.  Levi was an absolute joy; the children enjoyed time with their Daddy.  I just had to focus on what God called ME to be, and keep listening to Him.   

The environment of peace was obviousley created, as was seen in Josh's description of our movie watching.  Do you realize it's been almost 4 years since that day?  I didn't hear about his reaction until NOW!!!  Yes, first time. Are you willing to wait to see the fruits of your labor?  In fact, my memories of that week and day were no where NEAR the same.  When Josh would leave it was the most heart breaking thing--EVERY day, because he was leaving me, every day, to go be with someone else. He couldn't wait to leave the house--that's how he acted, at least. He spent the afternoons texting the other woman and his friends, setting up his "plans" for the evening.  He knew he was being inconsiderate, so there really was no need for me to say a word.  He was definitely making sure that I KNEW that was exactly what he was doing; he wanted me to hate him.  He wanted to divorce me, and if he could get me to hate him....then it would be easy for him to go ahead with "his plans."

One afternoon he say directly across from me, and typed away on his computer.  He was writing a letter to my mom, explaining that he really would appreciate being left alone to make his own decisions in life.  He explained to her that he should be respected for his decision, and that he had absolutely NO feelings for me whatsoever.  You see, he had checked and verified.  He was giving it ONE LAST CHANCE when he was here for the week to SEE if there was anything left between us!!!!  Amazing, huh?  Because as you see.....that was exactly the OPPOSITE of what he was REALLY feeling.  To spare him the pain of remembering that letter...it was LONG, horrible, and painful.  BUT I remember reading it, and KNOWING that it was just a LIE from the pit of hell.  A double-minded man is so unstable.  As well as....when your spouse feels that tug towards home, in order to keep running away they HAVE to try and believe the lie that everything is as they want it to be....horrible.  Plain and simple: where God wants you is NOT horrible, so you MUST create a lie. 

The point of that whole week:  Don't always believe that God is not doing what you have asked!! He is behind the scenes working through your prayers--changing the hearts of man.  No matter how much they HATE it, your spouse still feels that TUG in their hearts.  Home is where they should be--so, pray them home!  Let God do the rest....and LISTEN to what He speaks. AND obey!

Josh and Serena

From the Mail Bag

So, we received a question via private email in regards to our last few posts about becoming your spouse's biggest fan.  The question was, "How do I pursue my spouse's interests when they want nothing to do with me?"  Great question!!  We will attempt to answer it to the best of our ability.

Lots of what we wrote was a little more geared toward those of us with marriages that could use a little nudge in the right direction or for those of us trying to breathe life into a situation that is struggling.  When it comes to a situation where one spouse wants nothing to do with their partner it puts things in a different light and throws some twists into the mix.

From our heart, our best advice would be to keep doing the things that will keep you in touch with them.  When your spouse is acting out and purposefully doing things to push you away and has told you, point-blank, that they want nothing to do with you, do you accept that or do you keep pursuing them?  By pursuing the things that they enjoy you will be pursuing them.

For those that just need a nudge, becoming their fan will only help.  For those that are standing for a marriage that is under severe attack, becoming their fan becomes a type of warfare.  By continuing to pursue your spouse's pursuits, you are making public your investment in that person.  You are saying, "You mean enough to me that I still want to be around the things that you enjoy and that make you happy."  Pursuing their pursuits is an investment that you make regardless of if you see a speedy return.

This is probably not the answer you were wanting us to give you.  We know that so much of what we write seems easier for us to write than it is to put into application.  However, much of what we write does have some first-hand knowledge wrapped up in it.  Can we share a story?

While I (Josh) was gone, Serena gave birth to our fourth child.  Not my finest moment (to say the least) but this is when the story takes place.  Anyways...after she came home from the hospital, I spent the days for the first week at Serena's house.  I was attempting to be this great guy but sorely lacking.  For me, there was not a whole lot to do during the day so I watched TV and movies.  And from our previous posts you know that I like movies.  With all that Serena could have made me do around there or told me what to watch or not to watch, she sat down and watched with me.  She sat near me and we watched movies like nothing was wrong.  Not saying that nothing was wrong (cause there was a WHOLE lot wrong) but she shelved those feelings of hurt I had put in her.  One night as we were watching her head ended up on my lap.  Let's just say that by her doing that made it VERY hard for me to leave that night.  Her choice to do what I wanted to do even though it didn't help the situation was breaking through to my heart.  We had a long ways to go after that night but that night was hard for the old me.

Don't let the enemy get you confused or discouraged by what you are doing.  You may not even know the depths to which your kindness is hitting.  Keep going...keep fighting!!

Josh and Serena

Pratical Advice for Becoming a Fan

Some miscellaneous thoughts about becoming your spouse's biggest fan.  Not an exhaustive list just some things that come to mind when we think about this subject.  We have not mastered these but we are working at it just like you.  You don't have to do all of them.  Pick one or two to do (or not to do) to let them know you care.  Most women will have an easier time of this than the men.  That's just how women work.  So, first for the husbands to the wife....

Help out with the housework.  You're not too proud to pick up a dust rag or to clean the bathroom, are you?  Taking care of the home might be what she does all day but when you offer to help out it says (through actions) that you appreciate what she does.

Give her time to take a bath.  Now, guys, this is not a bath to get clean.  It's a bath to relax her.  One that does not involve children running in to ask questions.  Which brings up another point...you take care of the kids for a time and give her some time off.  Think about it....you GO to work and put in your time and then punch-out and GO back home.  You get to remove yourself from your work and get a rest.  Her work doesn't end.  She has kids, laundry, housework, grocery shopping, etc. that NEVER ends.  So, offer to take the load for a few hours.  It will benefit her (letting her rest) and YOU (wait until she learns that you care about her work and that you appreciate what she does everyday...do I need to spell it out).  You are grown man that deals with situations everyday at work.  They are your kids and home, too.

Call when you are on your way home.  Call when you know you will be late for dinner.  Call her on your lunch break.  Call her for no reason at all other than to say, "Hi.  How are you?"  Text her.

Don't be all about the physical aspects of sex all the time.  Let it be about her.  Spend as much time as she needs to get her in the mood.  Talk to her, ask about her day, let her vent her frustrations, hold her in you arms.  All of that stuff is foreplay for women.  Get adept at doing it.  It works!  Guys, your wife is like a diesel engine...it may take her a while to warm up and get up to speed but once she is going she will run forever.

And don't...I repeat, DO NOT....try to fix everything.  Men, we are fixers by nature.  When we learn of a problem we want to fix it.  Sometimes what your wife tells you does not need a fix.  She knows what needs to be done and will do it but she wants you to HEAR her.  Let her tell you all about the problem.  Care about it...really care about it.  Ask her questions.  But don't fix it.  It will seem weird to go against your nature but you will learn by her tone when she needs you to FIX it and when she wants you to LISTEN.

Buy her a treat on your way home from work.  A little card is really great, too.  Once when we were out shopping on a date I had to stop in to the restroom.  It was occupied so I waited.  While I waited I was flipping through cards near the bathroom.  One of them said something about jumping her bones...so I bought it, wrote a little note and then slipped it in her purse without her knowing it.  A little off-color but fun when she found it.

Now for the wives to the husband...I believe every woman already knows what to do to make her husband happy, at least for a short time. I am including it just so the men don’t feel cheated or think that I don’t understand what they really, really want. Make his favorite dinner occasionally, not just for his birthday. Bring him a beer or his favorite soda while he is out working or when he’s watching the game. Take off your clothes--anytime is fine! 

It is best to avoid asking the question such as “What are you thinking about?” Men hate this because they know they will get themselves into trouble if they tell you what they were really thinking. Or they can't remember--because they really do sometimes NOT think....that's just a fact.
 

Always speak highly of him to others. Don’t call up your best friend to tell her about his latest stupid mistake.

Don’t cut him down. It may be tempting to tell him exactly what you think of him during an argument, but hold your tongue. Don’t remind him of his weaknesses at every opportunity. Most men are fully aware of their weaknesses and do not need reminding. 

Be quick to apologize for snapping at him when you are tired and cranky. I absolutely hate it when Josh mentions that I am acting this way. I have got to learn to be honest that even though I HATE to be told that I am hormonal...THAT is also a fact, too! Now, Josh...this is NOT permission to tell me I am hormonal, this is just saying I should recognize it in myself.  Women, we have GOT to stop finding excuses to behave in a way that is NOT bringing glory to God; isn't that our goal? In everything, to shine a light to Him. We may feel justified, but it is still not RIGHT.   

Listen to what he has to say. This may include topics that you neither understand nor care to be enlightened about, such as the rules of fantasy football or a comparison of programming codes or music or math or gardening....I mean the list is endless, but your husband has SOMETHING he wants to talk about.  Figure it out, because most likely if you have developed a habit of not caring they aren't talking to you because they have gotten the clue that you do NOT care.  Start caring!!  It might take more work to find what that is, but the reward is great.  If you someday want to come home from a shopping trip and  have him care about the great deal that you got you better start caring about when he comes home from work and wants to talk about the new irrigation system he installed.  Remember the important things to HIM.  Josh makes money by working for a local landscaping company.  He spent his first few months on the new job blowing out sprinkler systems to prepare for winter; he had never done this before....so, it was something new to talk about.  Are you continuing to show an interest?  Josh had to spend the springtime turning the systems BACK on...this CAN be a delicate job for someone who has NEVER done this before.  I have enjoyed cheering him on, as each system he turns on has been in perfect working order.  He is AMAZING at what he does!!  Does your spouse KNOW you think they are amazing?  

Appreciate who he is and don’t try to change him. Really? I mean, it doesn't mean you won't find yourself slipping into a season of dissatisfaction, but you are really NOT accomplishing anything.  It is such a waste of your time.  Not only is it annoying, but you aren't doing any good. So, stop!

If you ever find yourself thinking that your spouse is just too difficult or there is just nothing you can do to make things better. Remember this.....How easy is it to live with you when all you do is complain about how difficult he is?  Are you always a perfectly dreamy mate? I’m not! Do you want compassion? Give it!  Do you want sensitivity?  Give it!  Do you want understanding? Give it!  Do you want them to be your biggest fan? Start being theirs!!!

Josh and Serena

Go Home and Love Your Wife

Biggest Fan

Who is your spouse's biggest fan?  Your answer may appear to be obvious but you might want to take a serious look at your life.  You might just find out that it is not you that is their biggest fan.  It might be their coworker or best friend.  It might be their boss that roots for them the most because they always come through.  Or it might be your wife's girlfriend that is always encouraging her in what she is doing.  If it is not you, you are endeavoring to walk a very dangerous road where your spouse does not need your affirmation but someone else's.

When someone else has the power to motivate YOUR spouse to action...when someone else has the power to cheer up YOUR spouse, you are creating a potential firestorm.  When they have a bad day who will they look to?  They will keep their emotions bottled up from you and share them with the one that they know will be there for them and help them break out of the funk.  That SOMEONE should be YOU!!

Honestly, what do you do that would indicate that you are their biggest fan?   Do you tell them?  Are you excited to hear what they have to say, even if it insignificant and boring?  Do you talk about them (in a positive way, of course)?  Does your spouse KNOW that you admire them?  You should be working towards this goal!!!

You might be saying, "But, I'm not their biggest fan.  I'm not even sure if I am a member of the fan club!"  We are not suggesting you lie. If you are not their biggest fan, you should be! This might be hard for you but it is ABSOLUTELY necessary.  You have got to let them know you are their biggest fan. There should be no question in their mind who's side you are on.  If your spouse enjoys playing music do you admire their skill or do you compare them to someone else who is better?  Be critical with yourself and see if you REALLY do cheer them on in life.

Becoming your spouse's biggest fan is not a fad or something cool to do for a short period.  It should be your life.  A part of who you are (or need to become) is the person that when they wake up they immediately begin to think about how they can make their spouse's day better.

Some practical steps...tell them how great they are.  Tell them how much you appreciate the little things they do to help you (no matter how small or unwarranted or even inconvenient they may be....after all, their heart is in the right place) and how much they are loved.  When they come in through the door greet them with a smile and a kiss.  Instead of choosing a movie that you want to watch, let them pick.  Make his lunch.  Men, try not to make such a huge mess wherever you go (I know...we are REALLY pushing on this one!!).  This one always makes me (Josh) feel AMAZING...talk about them, especially when they think that you don't know that they are close enough to hear.  Brag about them to your friends.  Become like grade-school boys and tease them.  Be a flirty high school girl that practically swoons when her jock boyfriend walks into the room.  It might seem silly but when did we become so mature that we can't have fun?  I heard a guy from our church say this about his wife...I'm crushin' on her.  If you don't already, get a crush on your spouse....and then act on it!

Josh and Serena

Pursuing Their Pursuits

This subject of pursuing your spouse is really beneficial one for ALL of us to learn...even us.  So, thank you Reader, for your question.  You have inspired a HUGE topic that should be discussed more.  Practically, one of the first things that comes to mind when endeavoring to pursue your spouse is this...PURSUE YOUR SPOUSE'S PURSUITS!!

What does your spouse like to do?  Do you even know?  What inspires them?  What motivates them?  What relaxes them?  What do they do in their spare time?  What do they collect?  If you don't know, you NEED to find out.

Encourage their hobbies, even if you aren’t fond of them.  Unless they are undoubtedly ungodly, learn about them.  Learn the lingo, study the material, become proficient at their sport; little else will inspire confidence and promote love more than knowing the things that they like.  You will rock their world when you open your mouth and speak with accuracy about their likes.

Guys that like football really like it when their woman ALSO likes football.  The wife doesn't actually have to like but she can play along and learn to be excited about it with them.  Women like it when their husbands like to go to the little "girly" boutiques.  They may not like to go but they can go with GOOD attitudes and smiles on their faces.  (Josh) My sister does this.  She has never been into organized sports.  But, her husband loves...I mean, LOVES...USC football.  It's a big deal to him.  So, on game day, she dresses in burgundy and gold.  She dresses their kids in the same.  She roots for the their team and can even talk names about the players.  She will sit with him the whole game and jump and cheer with him.  That is pursuing your spouses pursuits.

Josh loves to watch movies, play video games, and take naps. He likes guns and tattoos.  People are always saying things like “I can’t believe your wife let you have a tattoo.” and “How could you let him do that?”  Let him?  That’s not how it is supposed to work.  He is my husband, not my child.

Do you tell your friends it would be great if they didn't like sports or video games or the outdoors because then YOU might be more of a priority?  Start enjoying their joys and toys and you might just be pleasantly surprised.  For one, you might actually like it.  Mind blowing, I know!  But, their response to your actions will cut through negative thoughts and cycles of disappointment.

We have heard married couples say that tension comes into their marriage because they can't just put aside petty differences and enjoy the pursuits of our spouse.  Before you were married, if your boyfriend asked you to come to a sports game or a concert you would have gladly gone but during marriage it's not a big deal.  Do you find yourself no longer doing anything together because you don't BOTH enjoy it?  It wasn't this way before it doesn't have to be this way NOW!

The things that Serena mentioned about the things I like to do, she usually does them with me.  Except for maybe the naps.  We don't often nap at the same times.  But, other than that she does ALL those things with me.  Even if she doesn't care to do them, she does them with me.  We play Wii together, watch movies together ( we rarely watch things without the other), and go to the tattoo shop together.  She paid for my first tattoo; she bought me my shotgun!  But, its not just Serena doing for me.  I do for her as well.  She likes to go shopping (we don't buy very much...just walk around for a couple hours), stopping for iced tea while running around town, and cooking.  Some time ago, when she had entered a pie-baking contest, she did not win the prize she wanted (a Kitchen Aid mixer).  I thought she was deserving so I went out and bought it for her.  She still uses it frequently, to this day.  It gives me great joy to see her enjoying things.  I think even greater joy than me getting what I want.

What your spouse likes may not be appealing to you but it is to them.  Whatever it is gives them great joy.  So, whether it be collecting Star Wars figurines (or knights) or habitual scrapbooking, take an interest.  Invest (monetarily or emotionally) in what they value.  By doing so you will be investing in them.  And that is always a good great WISE investment.

Josh and Serena