So, one of the questions that started this whole talk about sex was in regards to, "What do you do when you don't feel like it?" It's a great question; one which many of us are afraid to ask. So, what do you do?
There are a few different ways to look at it. You can look at it from the standpoint of a time of pleasure for you and your spouse or simply as the fulfillment of a basic need. It can be thought of as a ministry towards your spouse. It can be a sacrifice; something that you are willing to offer for the sake of your spouse. It can even be a moment of spirituality where there are times that it can be one of these, a different reason altogether, or all at the same time.
In a perfect world the best sex would happen when the husband comes home from work and the site of him stimulates his wife. He responds to her by sitting with her and asking about her day and then assisting her in the remainder of the household chores. This, in turn, causes her to want to please him in anyway possible. When they do come to the act of sex, both are highly aroused by the each other's thoughtfulness, care, and compassion shown and fulfill each other's sexual desires until they pass out.
But, we don't live in a perfect world. We become selfish and want what we want when we want it. No thought goes into what the other has experienced in their day or how they are feeling. And both husbands and wives are to blame for this.
Husbands are usually to blame for forcing sex on their wives. Husbands sometimes use guilt, coercion, bartering, or (sadly) physicality to get what they want. Selfishness in sex is usually more visible in men because it is what men want. And they will sometimes do whatever they must in order to get it. This is not meant as an excuse for their behavior. They should be able to control their testosterone and desires. Husbands need to learn that sex is not always about them and their needs.
But, wives don't get off the hook so easily. They are just as much to blame as are husbands. Wives display their selfishness most often by NOT giving their bodies to their husbands. They will withhold sex as a punishment, a tool to get what they want in other areas, or as vehicle to wield power over their husbands. Wives are not excused, either. They should learn to be giving of what they have. Wives must learn that sex is not about how they feel at the moment.
So, to go back to the original question (What do you do when you don't want to?) you MUST learn to hear from God and what He would have you do in the individual situation. This is a MUST for you to learn not only in this area but in EVERY area. What does God want you to do? Or how does He want to use me in this situation.
Husbands, you have a special role to play here. One of the greatest things you can learn is the ability to sacrifice your needs for your wife's. Although rare, there are times when she needs sex and you don't feel like it. You can fulfill her needs in this area. Husbands, unlike your wife you don't need to have a conversation about your feelings to become turned on by your wife. If your wife told you that she NEEDED sex....BAM!!!...you're in the mood! You may not have been in the beginning but God wired you differently than your wife. However, sacrificing for your wife usually means that you PURPOSE not to be so vocal and demanding about your needs and learn what EXACTLY she needs.
Wives, the giving of your body to your husband when you are not in the mood can speak volumes to him about your care for Him. Your husband may have had the worst day of his life and is looking for some sort of release to take him away for a time. You can do this for him. The way God made the woman's body was intended for the pleasure of her husband. This can be an EXTREMELY powerful weapon against dark forces seeking to grab hold of your husband. And this has been given to you....ALONE! Don't wield against him; use it to strengthen him in ways that only you can. Vocal affirmation from friends and coworkers is great and monetary compensation from your employer is nice but when a wife gives herself fully to her husband in sex, it can place in him the fire to endure the fight a little while longer.
OK....you're the spouse that doesn't want to or is having some problems in this area. There is no condemnation here. Just a nudge to reevaluate where you are at the moment. Your willingness to pleasure your spouse can become a source of joy and connection to them even in the face of difficulty and adversity. But, a vital key to reclaiming this area in our lives is becoming closer to God and intimate with Him. Become intimate with God and you can become intimate with your spouse.
We've said it here before but remember this...sex and emotional release are basic needs for husbands and wives just like hunger. You like to eat every day, right? Well, husbands want that physical part and wives want the emotional part FREQUENTLY. Think about it...
Josh and Serena
P.S. Got a question...ask it!
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