To start, your decision to forgive should have nothing to do with how the other party is currently acting. Your spouse may continue to do things that hurt you and make you mad but you can still forgive them. Forgiveness should not cost the offender anything to receive it. However, it will cost you. I know this seems hard to comprehend but it is true regardless. It will cost you what you don't want to give up. It may be uncomfortable for you; it may be even painful. Showing forgiveness will stretch you and cause you to mature.
Forgiveness may be something that is shown daily or even numerous times a day. Yesterday we had said that forgiveness is a choice not a feeling. While we still maintain that definition as correct, forgiveness is more accurately a lifestyle than just a one-time choice. When you start to forgive, it slowly becomes easier. It is like a dam that once broken begins to flow easier. The first few times it may be hard to do but when it is your lifestyle it will become natural for you. The moment an offence happens, you will immediately let forgiveness flow.
Here is something that could possibly be one of the most difficult aspects of forgiveness....not holding on to the past after you have forgiven. Holding on to the past will only produce bitterness and resentment in you. Bitterness does nothing to the person that has harmed you. Actually, bitterness will affect those that are close to you that you do not want to hurt. In practicality, that would mean that once you have forgiven you PURPOSEFULLY set yourself in a position to be hurt again. Yeah....we know....why would we set ourselves up to be hurt again? It makes no logical sense! It goes against everything civilized in us. And yet, this is how we have been called to live through the example of Jesus.
(We would like to clarify a matter here...showing forgiveness does not mean that you have to keep yourself in a dangerous situation. The Bible does say for us to be wise as serpents and harmless as doves. If the situation that you are in is causing you to fear for your life or safety, remove yourself. Do not allow physical harm to come to you. We are not advocating divorce or separation but we do not want you to think that we are saying to remain in danger either. We may address this delicate matter in a later post.)
Jesus is the One we should look to for the "hows" of forgiveness. Although not much is said in Scripture about the details of how to forgive, only that we should, we can see how forgiveness is shown through our Savior. When Jesus was enduring the cross, He cried out, "Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing." (Luke 23:34) He was asking for His tormentors forgiveness even as they were killing Him. For each stripe that He took, for each blow of the hammer, I believe that He was forgiving them the whole time. Even after the price for sin was paid, we still reject Him and His forgiveness but still He offers it to us.
Jesus continually allows Himself to be hurt and rejected by us even as His forgiveness sits there waiting for us to receive it. Each time we say, "NO" to Him, He suffers because those that He died for continue to push Him away. But, He keeps setting Himself up for that hurt over and over. Not only that but He does not hold our sins against us once He has forgiven us. Psalms 103:12 says that He has removed our transgressions as far as the east is from the west.
When you find yourself at a place where forgiveness needs to be shown, you need to ask the Father about what you need to do. Forgiveness may look like a meal prepared for your spouse or a unnecessary gift. It may be something as simple as saying, "I forgive you" to a spouse that knows they have been horrible and are undeserving of it. Whatever it may be, consult the Father about what needs to be shown and when. He will guide you in what needs to be done.
We would be arrogant if we were to tell you, "This is how to show forgiveness..." and then lay out a bullet-point list on how to forgive. We can only point you back to the Father and His Son on how to forgive. They are the ultimate examples of forgiveness.
As we close for today, we would like to share an example from our own life about forgiveness. We always try to be open an transparent about us, what we went through, and how we became victorious. This is not us telling you to be like us. The Lord may not tell you to do what we did in exact detail. What we are about to share has only been shared with an EXTREMELY limited amount of people.
As we are sure you know, I (Josh) cheated numerous time on Serena. I had been with women that were not my wife. After I had been caught and my heart became hard, obviously, Serena and I had no further sexual activity. This was very hard for her. Her husband was not being a husband to her but instead was running around town sharing her gift with others. After the months of being away and I came home, Serena displayed forgiveness to me in a way that I have not known since. You may think that we are crazy and stupid but we know when we hear from God. This man that was not acting like her husband was now coming home. Serena welcomed me home by giving her body to me the first night I was home. I can only imagine how hard that was for her but still she did it. She put herself in a position for me to hurt her again but she still did it. You may think it was wrong for her to do that but it's not your life.
As a standing spouse you must realize, like everything else, that what you do and how you act is not based on what your spouse is doing. God has called YOU to a position, and are YOU fulfilling your role. For me, (Serena), I felt God said I needed to be available to my husband; God may not say that to you. AND that is okay, but you must be open to hearing His voice, no matter the cost. Many people had questions in regards to sexually transmitted diseases; yes, I knew the risks, but I also knew what God had told me. Is God asking you to do something for your spouse that means risking your heart--again?
Show forgiveness. Don't withhold it. It only hurts you. When and where forgiveness flows, healing can and will happen.
Josh and Serena
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