The Other Side

Perhaps you read Josh's account of yesterday and thought, "Wow, that's really nice that Serena was able to watch a movie with Josh while he was being so distant."  What you don't realize is how perspective and attitude can make all of the difference in the world.  Do you know how DIFFICULT that week really was for me?  I mean, think about it.....I just had a c-section. My husband was there, but he had just come from another woman's arms only minutes before arriving to see how I was feeling.  He had all of his opinions about how my birth should go, and yet he had not been "my husband."  I was dealing with all of the emotions of my children who REALLY believed that when the baby was born--SURELY that would be the moment Daddy decided he was coming home. Let's not forget that I had just had a baby, and those hormones....well, they are NOT always fun to deal with OR keep in check.

To hear him say I had to spend an entire week with Josh "helping" out with the baby was gut-wrenching.  Really?  You mean I "HAVE" to spend time with you?  I am tired!!  Do I have the energy?  Because you see...that wasn't REALLY about him helping me.  He wanted to look good in the eyes of "the other woman."  Oh, I am not dumb; I knew this.  BUT he was going to be in OUR HOUSE!!!  Regardless of circumstances on the outside, this was a BIT of what I prayed for....the opportunity to show God's love, for him to FEEL it.  So, I knew without a doubt that THIS was my opportunity to flood the heavenlies with my crys and prayers.  Josh would be coming home, and he needed to feel a VAST difference in OUR  home vs. the world.  Could I do it? 

God can give us a supernatural strength, if we only ask, and allow Him to use us. I anointed things with oil; I prayed where I knew he would sit.  Each morning was spent walking through the house and commanding an overwhelming peace to be in our home, that it would be a presence SO thick that it would be HARD to not acknowledge.  Through the heartache and turmoil would Josh be able to FEEL what I prayed?  Believing that GOD is powerful enough to make that happen....that's why you have to get closer to HIM in order to truely stand.  This isn't about how long YOU can stand, this is about how close you are to GOD and His ability to stand through you.  He is standing FOR you in those moments of pure exhaustion and weakness.

Some mornings I was so exhausted, but I had to pray that God would just remove the affects. A few times I called family to come check on me, as I had a rough recovery, in the natural.  Being angry and bitter towards Josh would NOT have allowed for the environment I felt the Lord was wanting to create in my home, so I remained prayerful.  Bruising from the surgery was worse than I have ever experienced, but I knew that GOD was taking care of it all--and He did.  Levi was an absolute joy; the children enjoyed time with their Daddy.  I just had to focus on what God called ME to be, and keep listening to Him.   

The environment of peace was obviousley created, as was seen in Josh's description of our movie watching.  Do you realize it's been almost 4 years since that day?  I didn't hear about his reaction until NOW!!!  Yes, first time. Are you willing to wait to see the fruits of your labor?  In fact, my memories of that week and day were no where NEAR the same.  When Josh would leave it was the most heart breaking thing--EVERY day, because he was leaving me, every day, to go be with someone else. He couldn't wait to leave the house--that's how he acted, at least. He spent the afternoons texting the other woman and his friends, setting up his "plans" for the evening.  He knew he was being inconsiderate, so there really was no need for me to say a word.  He was definitely making sure that I KNEW that was exactly what he was doing; he wanted me to hate him.  He wanted to divorce me, and if he could get me to hate him....then it would be easy for him to go ahead with "his plans."

One afternoon he say directly across from me, and typed away on his computer.  He was writing a letter to my mom, explaining that he really would appreciate being left alone to make his own decisions in life.  He explained to her that he should be respected for his decision, and that he had absolutely NO feelings for me whatsoever.  You see, he had checked and verified.  He was giving it ONE LAST CHANCE when he was here for the week to SEE if there was anything left between us!!!!  Amazing, huh?  Because as you see.....that was exactly the OPPOSITE of what he was REALLY feeling.  To spare him the pain of remembering that letter...it was LONG, horrible, and painful.  BUT I remember reading it, and KNOWING that it was just a LIE from the pit of hell.  A double-minded man is so unstable.  As well as....when your spouse feels that tug towards home, in order to keep running away they HAVE to try and believe the lie that everything is as they want it to be....horrible.  Plain and simple: where God wants you is NOT horrible, so you MUST create a lie. 

The point of that whole week:  Don't always believe that God is not doing what you have asked!! He is behind the scenes working through your prayers--changing the hearts of man.  No matter how much they HATE it, your spouse still feels that TUG in their hearts.  Home is where they should be--so, pray them home!  Let God do the rest....and LISTEN to what He speaks. AND obey!

Josh and Serena