Covenant Eyes

Covenant Eyes is a small company in central Michigan with a big heart to protect families and individuals online. Today tens of thousands of people from Chicago to Shanghai use their Accountability and Filtering Services, including us.  They recently interviewed us for their blog, featuring our story of reconciliation.  We greatly appreciated the opportunity, but we do not want to fail in mentioning what a valuable service their company has offered us over the last 3 years. 

Accountability Service

Blocking software is very useful but it has its limits. This service simply monitors everywhere you go online. It doesn’t block anything. A rating is then assigned to every web address based on objectionable material, and the information is compiled into easy-to-read reports. Reports are sent via e-mail to anyone you wish to see it.   We can not recommend this service enough, as it has put up some definite boundries and guards for us.  They are in the process of developing software for blackberries, iphones, and more....

This is a great tool for parents, using these reports to have good conversations with your kids about where they go online. Friends can help friends discuss the temptations they face online and how the Internet impacts their relationships and their lives offline.  My (Josh) guy's group keeps each other accountable, and we know that if we slip up one of us will be calling each other. Open, honest conversation, from a young age, is so vital to keeping your children knowing right and wrong in this world of technology. 

The Accountability Service is custom-designed to help you have honest conversations about how the Internet is used. Removing the secrecy helps to remove the temptation.  The cost is definitely worth the investment--it can be the investment to bring healing to your restoration process. 

**Word of warning: Josh did NOT download this onto his computer for MANY months, as he was NOT ready to be held accountable.  Don't push your spouse, as the ultimatums and things you "require" mean nothing when it comes to buidling trust.  Pray, Pray, Pray!! (that works); Eventually Josh wanted the accountability, and he has not looked back since.

Filtering Service

The filtering service allows you to block undesired content online. Customize their filter to meet your needs. Have multiple usernames with their own custom settings. Control when and for how long the Internet is used. Protect all your home and office computers. At this point we do not have the filtering service, but we are definitely looking into it, as we now have children that are on the computer.  We both have separate user names in order to keep track of our own usage, and we have our reports sent to each other....but also to others, as this helps relieve the stress on your spouse to be your accountability partner. 

Fence Me In....Please!!

So, here is a topic that DESPERATELY needs to be addressed, and we will probably continue to address.   It is one that has been neglected by most everyone and yet needs to be maintained at all costs.  This is important for everyone but especially important to the married person; vitally important to the one who is standing for the restoration of their marriage.

It is boundaries.  Boundaries in our actions, boundaries in our words and conversation, boundaries in our relationships...specifically, our relationships with those of the opposite sex.

If we listen to our culture today we would think that there is no need for boundaries with the opposite sex.  We would hear that males and females can remain platonic friends, best friends even, without the involvement of amorous feelings and emotions.  We would hear that males and females can work together in the workplace without any type of emotional connection being formed.  We would also hear that if your spouse  has a bff of the opposite sex that you are to be alright with it.

All of this could not be further from the truth!

The boundaries that we set up with the opposite sex now, could and most likely, will save you a lifetime of heartache later.  We cannot put ourselves in close proximity to a member of the opposite sex and not expect to be drawn closer to them.  It is the simple laws of attraction between men and women.  If you hang around with someone long enough, eventually, there will be a connection deeper than what is appropriate.

If you create the type of boundaries that we are talking about you will be looked down upon, maybe ridiculed, or even shunned.  We have seen this firsthand in our lives.  A few years back, while we were still recovering and being restored, some people that we began to form a friendship with had a bit of a hard time handling our boundaries.  As we were hanging out with them frequently, we exchanged cell numbers so we could stay in touch.  After a while the wife began to text me (Josh) for no apparent reason.  She never said or did anything inappropriate but the frequency began to be a problem.  So, I (Serena) made it very clear to stop texting my husband and then explained why--even said it was NOT about her but about us. That was pretty much the end of the friendship at the time.  This woman did not understand because she had never been taught.  Some time later, she began to understand and made a full apology to Serena for the fallout of that incident.  She now understands and keeps her distance from Josh.  We had established our boundaries and would not compromise them, even for friends. It can break your heart, but it's better that....than breaking your marriage.

Even more recently, we encountered a couple that we really liked.  They had a larger family than most of our friends (not more than us though) and were homeschoolers like us.  We felt a draw to them and invited them over for dinner.  It was a great night.  Less than a week later, Josh received a phone call from the husband's phone but the wife was calling.  We had made our boundaries known during the dinner earlier that week, through a conversation about our past.  When she called her first words were, "I know that this will probably destroy our friendship but _____."  Our new friends were in marital distress and she was still aware of our boundaries and was very sorry for having to violate them.  Well, by those being here first words made it very clear that she understood what boundaries were and was honoring of them. The friendship we have today would not be the same if it were not for those boundaries in place, and we cherish our relationship with them. It's safe: for them, and us!
I (Josh) was always for the concept of boundaries but always wanted to make sure that the exceptions to the rule were clear.  Such as...if I saw a woman stranded on the side of the road I was obliged to help since I would want a great man to stop to help my wife if she were stranded.  The scenario that you can imagine where you drop the fences and expose your most vulnerable areas is the same scenario that the enemy will cause to happen.  Once, while I was working at a client's house, a horse that she owned bit off the tip of her finger!  I know, huh?  This kind of stuff never happens!  She came running to me and was begging me to drive her in her car to the hospital.  Sounds legit, right?  Well, the back story was that I was only a few weeks from being caught having an affair (before I ran from Serena and God).  Serena and I had been having conversations about boundaries and where they needed to be.  I made sure to keep the exceptions there....and sure enough, the enemy made them happen.  One of our biggest fights after I returned home from my adulterous life was one about a hypothetical situation involving a single woman, a snowstorm, a broke down vehicle, her house, and a cup of coffee.  Long story short...I didn't understand the NEED for specific boundaries in our relationship.

So, what do proper boundaries look like?  We will give you some things in how it look for us.  This is not definitive but ever evolving as life and situations change.  But, the core of 'why' never changes.  The 'why' is that our marriage is, apart from our individual salvation and relationship with Christ, THE MOST IMPORTANT THING WE HAVE!!

First, we do NOT make a point to spend much time in communication with the opposite sex.  That means email, Facebook, phone calls, or face to face.  Whenever one of us is in a position to be in communication with the opposite sex, we tell the other one.  Even if it is a simple hello while passing each other in the halls of church, we tell.  Complete transparency is the goal.  If anything is ever said or done that has to be hid, it is more than likely inappropriate.

Secondly, we do not have friends of the opposite sex.  By friends I mean people that we allow to get close to us on an individual basis.  We have many couples that we are close to that we do life with and share our hearts with.  But, even within that context, the opposite spouses do NOT contact the others apart from the presence of their respective spouses.  This is not meant to be suffocating; it is liberating.  We can be friends with people that share our beliefs about boundaries.  And even if it was suffocating and we had no friends, so what?  Our marriage is worth the sacrifice.

And speaking of friends, we don't have friends that do not FULLY support the boundaries that we have established.  Not only that, they have boundaries in their own marriages that are similar to ours.  That is only more insulation.

Now, in our age of the Internet, email, and Facebook, we must be even more cautious.  If you were to look at our respective Facebook accounts or Internet activity or email accounts you will not find anything that our spouse does not know.  Serena knows about every female that I am friends with on Facebook and has approved them; Josh knows and has approved of everyone on my account.  Sometimes, we have to say ''No" to certain people that we do not feel would be a beneficial friend to have for our spouse.  It might even mean defriending people that prove to be...shady.  It may seem mean to those being denied but, again, our marriage is worth the sacrifice.

And since we are on the subject of Facebook, Internet, and the like....your spouse needs to know ALL of your accounts in social media world and, even more crucial, ALL of your passwords to those accounts!!  Every single last one of them!!  Nothing hidden, nothing held back.  That means to your email accounts, Facebook and Myspace (and whatever social networking that you do), and cell phones (all of them...work and personal).

It would appear obvious, but....we do NOT ride in a car with a member of the opposite sex....we do NOT allow ourselves to be alone with a member of the opposite sex...we do NOT jeopardize our reputation by letting our guard down.  When our guard goes down, the devil will strike.  He doesn't want to battle you when you are prepared for him.

So, set those boundaries!  Build those fences!!  Establish those walls!!  Keep you and your spouse safe from the attack of the enemy!  The fences and boundaries may seem confining at first but will allow you more freedom to further establish a deep relationship with your spouse and keep you safe from marauding friendships!

Josh and Serena

Men's Advance Weekend

Josh is getting ready to leave for REZ Men's Advance 2011.  Many people do not realize that THIS was a pivotal moment in time for Josh's recovery process--for our healing.  God did it, but I, without a doubt, believe that this was a GOD thing.  Josh and I had just moved to Colorado, and we moved with him having NO job.  It seemed crazy, but we really felt that it was to save our marriage....which was worth that risk.  The only thing I regret is the people who were affected and are still affected by the time, money, and overall expense of our move/moves. Family is awesome to help out, but I wish it only affected us.  (okay, yes, a rabbit trail...but I wanted to say THANK YOU to those people...you know who you are.) 

Rez Men's Advance was quickly approaching, and we had just arrived. We had no idea what it was about, but we had purposed that although REZ was a large church.....we were going to get plugged-in.  With absolutely NO income we had no way of financially affording a trip to the mountains.  Men's 6:33 (the men's group) offered a scholarship to pay for Josh's FULL registration.  It was an investment we will NEVER forget. 

Josh can probably share more from his perspective, but you see, I had been praying for Josh to be surrounded by men that would encourage him, befriend him, and embrace him.  To walk back home is never easy, but to STAY home and face the consequences...THAT takes a STRONG man.  Things are not easy when you walk into that kind of brokenness. Seeing your children weep when you leave for work, asking if you are returning at the end of the day....those can NOT be easy questions/scenarios to encounter.  He needed MEN--HONEST, HUMBLE MEN. 

My prayer wasn't so much for an accountability partner--but for fellow strugglers, not moral giants. They need to be able to sympathize with the struggle, either because they have struggled through it themselves or because they have successfully counseled those who have. Good friends see that we can all have weaknesses and they do not see themselves as above the problem. Josh needed men that were able to embrace him and yet be BOLD and HONEST.  AND not let him hide...DRAWING truth out of him. In my heart, I knew he was ready to tell the truth, but he needed men who could handle it, too! We had already lost people along the way.  He needed friends, fellow travelers, not cops. A cop is someone who is just looking over your shoulder for you to mess up. You only interact with a cop when he catches you breaking the law.  A real friend is someone who is willing to get in the vehicle with you, helps you drive in the lines, travels with you in life, in good times and bad, helps you look out for the potholes, helps you read the road signs, helps you get to where you are going. No doubt we may need those "cops" in our life, but this was NOT what I was praying for.  The Christian community has LOTS of cops.

Josh needed fellow soldiers, not wimps. As the ancient proverb goes, “Wounds from a sincere friend are better than many kisses from an enemy.” Real friends are willing to call us out when we’ve given up on our commitments, willing to confront us without condemning us. They don’t shy away from the hard stuff or become wimps in the face of our faults. They help us fight.

The night of the first meeting the men were all gathered together after the meeting; I can really only picture it from a girl's perspective........I do hope he shares. (hint, hint)   I can imagine the meeting was good, but there must have been SOMETHING different about this night.  Something was brewing in the HEAVENS--prayers are POWERFUL things, Friends!!!  The men started to open up, and Josh decided instead of hiding and giving a typical "I'm fine, let's move on to someone else's life" after being asked a question---the dam broke.  TO HEAR ONE MAN willing to share his story...willing to tell some details about his messed up life, willing to look ugly and sinful....he gained friends that will NEVER leave him. From my recollection they stayed up REALLY late.  Through the things that happened that night, Josh has some men in his life that have learned what REAL fighting looks like.  We are all stronger for the relationships and things that happened that night--3 years ago.  Honest, it seems like MORE years than that!!! 

My words of gratitude seem inadequate compared to what I gained....a humble, broken, repentant man...with friends that accepted him with all of his faults, and yet helped walk him through those UGLY details of being a prodigal son, yet returned and redeemed.  Friends willing to say, "Do NOT lie to me and tell me you are fine, because I can SEE that you are NOT fine.  I can tell in your voice that you are NOT doing okay!!"  Those kind are priceless.

Pray those people into your spouse's life!! I did, and I definitely have a better marriage for it.  Some of these men still meet together every other week, just to check up on each other. It's growing, as the need is not a one time thing.  Yes, they laugh and joke and eat...they are still REAL.  BUT they have found a way to also BRING down heaven through their prayers, and they have become better men and husbands for it. 

My prayers are for this weekend to be a GOD encounter for some more men; it was for mine....Josh is in a different place. He is not a broken-down soldier in need of food and water....he has plenty to teach now.  He happens to be one that survived that battle that so many men aren't even willing enough to admit they are in, until it is TOO late.  Praying that some divine appointments are made. While the men draw close to God may He reveal to them the broken and hurting; may the Words of God and His wisdom flow freely. 

It's gonna be a good one..........in Jesus' Mighty Name!