Prayer

Many times as we share our story, one on one or through this blog, we are asked what changed Josh's heart or what brought the whole ordeal to an end.  The answer always is...PRAYER!

Not good thoughts or staying positive but PRAYER!  Not positive confessions or counseling but PRAYER!  Not making any major changes or ultimatums but PRAYER!  Not meditation or finding yourself but PRAYER!

The only thing that changed the outcome of our marriage was prayer.  The only thing that broke through the cold and calloused heart that Josh had developed was prayer.  The only thing that caused Serena to hold on in spite of what was going on was her time in prayer.

We realize that we are sharing this blog with many other people around the world that may not believe like we do or may not understand our faith.  So, let it be known that when we speak of prayer we are speaking about conversing with the Triune God, the King of kings, the Father, the Son (Jesus Christ), and the Holy Ghost.  We believe that only He is able to do exceedingly abundantly above all that we could ask or think.  Only He is able to do the impossible.  Any other god does not have power to save.  We place our faith and trust and hope in the only God able to save, Jesus Christ.

Many of you may have never prayed in your life.  We mean, REALLY prayed!!  Don't let it scare you or cause you turmoil.  Prayer is simply having a conversation with God, sharing with Him your concerns and your heart and Him sharing with you His truth and His heart.  So, often we think that prayer is telling God all about our problems and then leaving that place of prayer before He has a chance to respond to the outpouring of your heart.  But, we need to learn to wait for His answer.  He will ALWAYS respond to His child's cry for help.

When our marriage began to fall to pieces, Serena found a place of prayer that she could be real with God.  It was a place where she lived her life daily.  Her prayer time became her life, not only something that she did when times got rough.  She had always knew how to pray but never had the load laid upon her that required her to dig deep into that place of prayer.  Through her times of prayer her ears became tuned to the frequency of God's heart and she learned to hear His still and calm voice clearly through the screaming of lies from the enemy.

We would encourage you to learn the language of prayer.  Learn to bring the cries of your heart before the Master.  Discipline your life and carve out time where you will be able to hear from the heart of God as He responds to you.  Pray for your spouse.  However, don't pray selfish prayers that would make you feel better.  Pray prayers that would call the perfect and divine will of God to come down, infiltrate, and affect change in their life...but not for your own peace of mind but for the glorification of the Father God.  If you will ask God to glorify Himself through you, your spouse, and your marriage He will come to you and your aid in such a mighty way that you will have to hold on for what is about happen.

You see, God is all about bringing the most glory to Himself.  And if you will get on board with that and make that your prayer, He will answer.  These are the prayers that God will answer every time.  It may not be the way that you think it should be but it will be the maximum glory for Him.  And if He is glorified, His child will be at peace.

As our situation progressed from bad to worse, Serena's prayers were not for me to come home.  Yes, she wanted me home but she would rather have had me right with God if that would be the lasting change that was needed.  She was willing to sacrifice the temporary joy of having me before the fulfillment of the work was complete for the lasting sactisfaction of knowing that my heart was in right standing before God.  A hard to prayer to pray but one that caused her to trust God more the more she prayed it.

Find your place of prayer.  It might be a physical place that you have to go....an empty closet, your garage, your lunch break even.  One lady used to make her place of prayer by pulling her apron over her head.  or it might be a place you go within yourself.  Anything you have to do in order to find alone time with God where you and He can speak freely.

Prayer will change...everything!  It will change your situation.  It will change your spouse!  But, most importantly it will change you.

Josh and Serena

Pratical Advice for Becoming a Fan

Some miscellaneous thoughts about becoming your spouse's biggest fan.  Not an exhaustive list just some things that come to mind when we think about this subject.  We have not mastered these but we are working at it just like you.  You don't have to do all of them.  Pick one or two to do (or not to do) to let them know you care.  Most women will have an easier time of this than the men.  That's just how women work.  So, first for the husbands to the wife....

Help out with the housework.  You're not too proud to pick up a dust rag or to clean the bathroom, are you?  Taking care of the home might be what she does all day but when you offer to help out it says (through actions) that you appreciate what she does.

Give her time to take a bath.  Now, guys, this is not a bath to get clean.  It's a bath to relax her.  One that does not involve children running in to ask questions.  Which brings up another point...you take care of the kids for a time and give her some time off.  Think about it....you GO to work and put in your time and then punch-out and GO back home.  You get to remove yourself from your work and get a rest.  Her work doesn't end.  She has kids, laundry, housework, grocery shopping, etc. that NEVER ends.  So, offer to take the load for a few hours.  It will benefit her (letting her rest) and YOU (wait until she learns that you care about her work and that you appreciate what she does everyday...do I need to spell it out).  You are grown man that deals with situations everyday at work.  They are your kids and home, too.

Call when you are on your way home.  Call when you know you will be late for dinner.  Call her on your lunch break.  Call her for no reason at all other than to say, "Hi.  How are you?"  Text her.

Don't be all about the physical aspects of sex all the time.  Let it be about her.  Spend as much time as she needs to get her in the mood.  Talk to her, ask about her day, let her vent her frustrations, hold her in you arms.  All of that stuff is foreplay for women.  Get adept at doing it.  It works!  Guys, your wife is like a diesel engine...it may take her a while to warm up and get up to speed but once she is going she will run forever.

And don't...I repeat, DO NOT....try to fix everything.  Men, we are fixers by nature.  When we learn of a problem we want to fix it.  Sometimes what your wife tells you does not need a fix.  She knows what needs to be done and will do it but she wants you to HEAR her.  Let her tell you all about the problem.  Care about it...really care about it.  Ask her questions.  But don't fix it.  It will seem weird to go against your nature but you will learn by her tone when she needs you to FIX it and when she wants you to LISTEN.

Buy her a treat on your way home from work.  A little card is really great, too.  Once when we were out shopping on a date I had to stop in to the restroom.  It was occupied so I waited.  While I waited I was flipping through cards near the bathroom.  One of them said something about jumping her bones...so I bought it, wrote a little note and then slipped it in her purse without her knowing it.  A little off-color but fun when she found it.

Now for the wives to the husband...I believe every woman already knows what to do to make her husband happy, at least for a short time. I am including it just so the men don’t feel cheated or think that I don’t understand what they really, really want. Make his favorite dinner occasionally, not just for his birthday. Bring him a beer or his favorite soda while he is out working or when he’s watching the game. Take off your clothes--anytime is fine! 

It is best to avoid asking the question such as “What are you thinking about?” Men hate this because they know they will get themselves into trouble if they tell you what they were really thinking. Or they can't remember--because they really do sometimes NOT think....that's just a fact.
 

Always speak highly of him to others. Don’t call up your best friend to tell her about his latest stupid mistake.

Don’t cut him down. It may be tempting to tell him exactly what you think of him during an argument, but hold your tongue. Don’t remind him of his weaknesses at every opportunity. Most men are fully aware of their weaknesses and do not need reminding. 

Be quick to apologize for snapping at him when you are tired and cranky. I absolutely hate it when Josh mentions that I am acting this way. I have got to learn to be honest that even though I HATE to be told that I am hormonal...THAT is also a fact, too! Now, Josh...this is NOT permission to tell me I am hormonal, this is just saying I should recognize it in myself.  Women, we have GOT to stop finding excuses to behave in a way that is NOT bringing glory to God; isn't that our goal? In everything, to shine a light to Him. We may feel justified, but it is still not RIGHT.   

Listen to what he has to say. This may include topics that you neither understand nor care to be enlightened about, such as the rules of fantasy football or a comparison of programming codes or music or math or gardening....I mean the list is endless, but your husband has SOMETHING he wants to talk about.  Figure it out, because most likely if you have developed a habit of not caring they aren't talking to you because they have gotten the clue that you do NOT care.  Start caring!!  It might take more work to find what that is, but the reward is great.  If you someday want to come home from a shopping trip and  have him care about the great deal that you got you better start caring about when he comes home from work and wants to talk about the new irrigation system he installed.  Remember the important things to HIM.  Josh makes money by working for a local landscaping company.  He spent his first few months on the new job blowing out sprinkler systems to prepare for winter; he had never done this before....so, it was something new to talk about.  Are you continuing to show an interest?  Josh had to spend the springtime turning the systems BACK on...this CAN be a delicate job for someone who has NEVER done this before.  I have enjoyed cheering him on, as each system he turns on has been in perfect working order.  He is AMAZING at what he does!!  Does your spouse KNOW you think they are amazing?  

Appreciate who he is and don’t try to change him. Really? I mean, it doesn't mean you won't find yourself slipping into a season of dissatisfaction, but you are really NOT accomplishing anything.  It is such a waste of your time.  Not only is it annoying, but you aren't doing any good. So, stop!

If you ever find yourself thinking that your spouse is just too difficult or there is just nothing you can do to make things better. Remember this.....How easy is it to live with you when all you do is complain about how difficult he is?  Are you always a perfectly dreamy mate? I’m not! Do you want compassion? Give it!  Do you want sensitivity?  Give it!  Do you want understanding? Give it!  Do you want them to be your biggest fan? Start being theirs!!!

Josh and Serena

Biggest Fan

Who is your spouse's biggest fan?  Your answer may appear to be obvious but you might want to take a serious look at your life.  You might just find out that it is not you that is their biggest fan.  It might be their coworker or best friend.  It might be their boss that roots for them the most because they always come through.  Or it might be your wife's girlfriend that is always encouraging her in what she is doing.  If it is not you, you are endeavoring to walk a very dangerous road where your spouse does not need your affirmation but someone else's.

When someone else has the power to motivate YOUR spouse to action...when someone else has the power to cheer up YOUR spouse, you are creating a potential firestorm.  When they have a bad day who will they look to?  They will keep their emotions bottled up from you and share them with the one that they know will be there for them and help them break out of the funk.  That SOMEONE should be YOU!!

Honestly, what do you do that would indicate that you are their biggest fan?   Do you tell them?  Are you excited to hear what they have to say, even if it insignificant and boring?  Do you talk about them (in a positive way, of course)?  Does your spouse KNOW that you admire them?  You should be working towards this goal!!!

You might be saying, "But, I'm not their biggest fan.  I'm not even sure if I am a member of the fan club!"  We are not suggesting you lie. If you are not their biggest fan, you should be! This might be hard for you but it is ABSOLUTELY necessary.  You have got to let them know you are their biggest fan. There should be no question in their mind who's side you are on.  If your spouse enjoys playing music do you admire their skill or do you compare them to someone else who is better?  Be critical with yourself and see if you REALLY do cheer them on in life.

Becoming your spouse's biggest fan is not a fad or something cool to do for a short period.  It should be your life.  A part of who you are (or need to become) is the person that when they wake up they immediately begin to think about how they can make their spouse's day better.

Some practical steps...tell them how great they are.  Tell them how much you appreciate the little things they do to help you (no matter how small or unwarranted or even inconvenient they may be....after all, their heart is in the right place) and how much they are loved.  When they come in through the door greet them with a smile and a kiss.  Instead of choosing a movie that you want to watch, let them pick.  Make his lunch.  Men, try not to make such a huge mess wherever you go (I know...we are REALLY pushing on this one!!).  This one always makes me (Josh) feel AMAZING...talk about them, especially when they think that you don't know that they are close enough to hear.  Brag about them to your friends.  Become like grade-school boys and tease them.  Be a flirty high school girl that practically swoons when her jock boyfriend walks into the room.  It might seem silly but when did we become so mature that we can't have fun?  I heard a guy from our church say this about his wife...I'm crushin' on her.  If you don't already, get a crush on your spouse....and then act on it!

Josh and Serena

Pursuing Their Pursuits

This subject of pursuing your spouse is really beneficial one for ALL of us to learn...even us.  So, thank you Reader, for your question.  You have inspired a HUGE topic that should be discussed more.  Practically, one of the first things that comes to mind when endeavoring to pursue your spouse is this...PURSUE YOUR SPOUSE'S PURSUITS!!

What does your spouse like to do?  Do you even know?  What inspires them?  What motivates them?  What relaxes them?  What do they do in their spare time?  What do they collect?  If you don't know, you NEED to find out.

Encourage their hobbies, even if you aren’t fond of them.  Unless they are undoubtedly ungodly, learn about them.  Learn the lingo, study the material, become proficient at their sport; little else will inspire confidence and promote love more than knowing the things that they like.  You will rock their world when you open your mouth and speak with accuracy about their likes.

Guys that like football really like it when their woman ALSO likes football.  The wife doesn't actually have to like but she can play along and learn to be excited about it with them.  Women like it when their husbands like to go to the little "girly" boutiques.  They may not like to go but they can go with GOOD attitudes and smiles on their faces.  (Josh) My sister does this.  She has never been into organized sports.  But, her husband loves...I mean, LOVES...USC football.  It's a big deal to him.  So, on game day, she dresses in burgundy and gold.  She dresses their kids in the same.  She roots for the their team and can even talk names about the players.  She will sit with him the whole game and jump and cheer with him.  That is pursuing your spouses pursuits.

Josh loves to watch movies, play video games, and take naps. He likes guns and tattoos.  People are always saying things like “I can’t believe your wife let you have a tattoo.” and “How could you let him do that?”  Let him?  That’s not how it is supposed to work.  He is my husband, not my child.

Do you tell your friends it would be great if they didn't like sports or video games or the outdoors because then YOU might be more of a priority?  Start enjoying their joys and toys and you might just be pleasantly surprised.  For one, you might actually like it.  Mind blowing, I know!  But, their response to your actions will cut through negative thoughts and cycles of disappointment.

We have heard married couples say that tension comes into their marriage because they can't just put aside petty differences and enjoy the pursuits of our spouse.  Before you were married, if your boyfriend asked you to come to a sports game or a concert you would have gladly gone but during marriage it's not a big deal.  Do you find yourself no longer doing anything together because you don't BOTH enjoy it?  It wasn't this way before it doesn't have to be this way NOW!

The things that Serena mentioned about the things I like to do, she usually does them with me.  Except for maybe the naps.  We don't often nap at the same times.  But, other than that she does ALL those things with me.  Even if she doesn't care to do them, she does them with me.  We play Wii together, watch movies together ( we rarely watch things without the other), and go to the tattoo shop together.  She paid for my first tattoo; she bought me my shotgun!  But, its not just Serena doing for me.  I do for her as well.  She likes to go shopping (we don't buy very much...just walk around for a couple hours), stopping for iced tea while running around town, and cooking.  Some time ago, when she had entered a pie-baking contest, she did not win the prize she wanted (a Kitchen Aid mixer).  I thought she was deserving so I went out and bought it for her.  She still uses it frequently, to this day.  It gives me great joy to see her enjoying things.  I think even greater joy than me getting what I want.

What your spouse likes may not be appealing to you but it is to them.  Whatever it is gives them great joy.  So, whether it be collecting Star Wars figurines (or knights) or habitual scrapbooking, take an interest.  Invest (monetarily or emotionally) in what they value.  By doing so you will be investing in them.  And that is always a good great WISE investment.

Josh and Serena

Intentional

A common danger that threatens ALL marriages, both the great and the failing, is when it comes to the pursuit of your spouse.  Non-pursuit will sneak in without you even becoming aware.  We will attempt to address this today and the next few.  Like we always say, we are not experts on marital matters; we just want to help when and where we can.

 

I'm reminded of the analogy of the newly married couple that drove a pickup truck as their only means of transportation.  When they first were married they sat in that old truck next to each other on that bench seat.  Often her head would end up on his shoulder as they drove.  As time progressed and as they grew older, they found space in between them.  He was on his side, she was on hers.  It wasn't an intentional shift but it happened just the same.

 

Finding space between you and your spouse has the potential to be a marriage killer.  It is what is heard in the process of divorces..."We grew apart."  And this is true.  Without purposefully learning more about your spouse, you WILL grow apart.  Not saying this is a valid reason for divorce, it is a reality in marriages.

One of the biggest things in the conversation of pursuing your spouse is the word, INTENTIONAL.  Pursuing your spouse is not something that will just happen.  It must be INTENTIONAL.  Intentional love is a marriage saver.  Intentional love has the potential to bring you back from the edge.

What does this mean to us in practical terms?  It means for us to do things that would draw things out of our spouses.  The questions we ask and the answers we receive will give us clues into things that made our spouses who they are.  Sometimes it might bring up painful things from their past that they have never shared for fear of rejection or it may bring up inspirational moments that drive them on to fulfill their passions.  You might hear stories that they have told for years and years.  You might be able to tell the story better than them!  But, listen...you might just hear something that you haven't heard before.  It might even open the door to another story of a moment that changed their life.  You never know what you may encounter.  Whatever it is, show interest.  Be compassionate if need be; proud and boasting if its worthy.  Become engaged in who they are not only in what they do.

This would also mean that when your spouse is talking....PAY ATTENTION!!  There is nothing like knowing you have the full attention of your spouse.  Don't check you email when they are talking.  You may be amazing at multitasking but don't do it when your spouse is desiring you and your attention.  By giving them your undivided attention, you will be showing how much you value and care fo

r them.  They might be boring you to death but don't let them know.  Your attention is a precious commodity; give it fully to your spouse.

Many times we can find ourselves being more considerate to strangers and acquaintances than our own spouses.  This should not be so.  We will look at this more in the next few days...or weeks...or months....

Josh and Serena

Time Out

When we talk about standing for our marriages many things come to mind.  Hard work, prayer, deep conversations, forgiveness, and repentance are just a few of the things that need to be addressed.  You won't ever hear us say that standing is a walk in the park.  But, maybe that is just what you need...

When I (Josh) came home, I knew the work that I had to do to reestablish the trust and integrity of my life and our marriage.  However, I was not quite ready to actually do it on day 1 after coming home.  Serena and I knew that we HAD to spend time together but the time for talking through things had not yet come.  So what did we do?

We bought a Wii!!  We played tennis for DAYS on end.  We laughed together, teased each other, and just had some fun together.  We knew that whatever we did it had to be something that made us laugh and enjoy each other's company.

When we laughed together we didn't feel the sting of the hurt and the ugly of the past.  The laughter cut through the hardness of Josh's heart.  The playful atmosphere created a safe haven for us to be together as friends relearning how to be lovers, not enemies trying to overcome differences.

Something else that we did a lot in those first few weeks was watching movies together.  Now, we know it might seem that we spend a lot of time in front of the TV.  But, watching movies together (wrapped up in each others arms and under blankets) was something we did from the time we got married.  Hanging out like that always was our thing.

So, what can you do to create a neutral place for you and your spouse to play and laugh?  Where can you go to make your spouse to feel safe again?  The atmosphere that you create will help to bring down the walls that so often get erected and isolate the both of you.

Here are some ideas...
Take a walk, go get some ice cream cones, find a free concert in the park (you don't even have to like the music....it's fun to make fun of things you both dislike), go exploring in the mountains, hit the beach, throw a frisbee, take a pottery class together (watch what you and your spouse create...that should be worth a good laugh), cook a meal together (gourmet is fun as a couple), play some Wii, go on a bike ride, fly a kite, plant a garden, write a song (we did), bowling, ice skating...

These may work for you, maybe not.  The point is to just do SOMETHING that breaks the ice.  Do something that reminds you of days gone by when you were head-over-heels for each other.  This might be a stretch after all the hurt and pain that has happened but try.  Enjoyable times will help to create new memories that you can rewrite over the ugliness of the past.

Josh and Serena

15

When Josh came home, I NEEDED to talk.  I needed to talk through all of the stuff that we went through, were going through, and what was still to come.  I needed an outlet to release everything that had been pent up for those days, weeks, months, and years.  However, the problem that we faced was that I was a woman and Josh was a man.

What I mean is that women like to talk and men, well, DON'T.  Josh knew it had to be done but that didn't change the way the he was wired.  However, we didn't talk about lots of this for some time.  It wasn't until we were in CO that we began to really work through the mess.  After we decided to begin talking through it we spent many nights in deep discussions about everything.  Much of it was stuff that we had already talked about the night before but I needed to hear about it again.  Josh tried to endure the questioning but it began to be too much for him.  I could see that visibly he was getting frustrated by the constant talking in circles.

So, we came to an arrangement.  Since, he was willing to talk but could not go on for hours and I needed to talk and could go on indefinitely, we decided that after the kids were in bed we would talk for 15 minutes.  Nothing was off limits, nothing held back.  But, after 15 minutes were over we would move onto something else...a movie, some Wii, other chores, etc.  This time was invaluable for us.

Two things happened during this time; 1. I spent my time away from Josh deciding what I would ask him to make the most of the time we had allocated to it.  2. Josh didn't get frustrated by the conversation that HAD to take place.  By Josh not being tired of talking he would be able to open up about other things on his own.  By giving me a finite amount of time to ask, I made sure that what I asked was really necessary for my healing and our well-being. AND gradually 15 minutes EVERY day was really too much, as I realized that I didn't really need to go over the same stuff.  BUT when I was talking in circles every night I would forget, so I had to ask again.  I also began to see that talking about the past really WASN'T bringing any healing.

Really think about your time and see if it's helping or hurting--the endless talking is not as helpful as you might think.  The quality time we spent playing games, watching movies, and talking about other stuff....that brought healing.  When we talked into the night about the hurt and pain there was NO time for the stuff that really helps.

Covenant Eyes

Covenant Eyes is a small company in central Michigan with a big heart to protect families and individuals online. Today tens of thousands of people from Chicago to Shanghai use their Accountability and Filtering Services, including us.  They recently interviewed us for their blog, featuring our story of reconciliation.  We greatly appreciated the opportunity, but we do not want to fail in mentioning what a valuable service their company has offered us over the last 3 years. 

Accountability Service

Blocking software is very useful but it has its limits. This service simply monitors everywhere you go online. It doesn’t block anything. A rating is then assigned to every web address based on objectionable material, and the information is compiled into easy-to-read reports. Reports are sent via e-mail to anyone you wish to see it.   We can not recommend this service enough, as it has put up some definite boundries and guards for us.  They are in the process of developing software for blackberries, iphones, and more....

This is a great tool for parents, using these reports to have good conversations with your kids about where they go online. Friends can help friends discuss the temptations they face online and how the Internet impacts their relationships and their lives offline.  My (Josh) guy's group keeps each other accountable, and we know that if we slip up one of us will be calling each other. Open, honest conversation, from a young age, is so vital to keeping your children knowing right and wrong in this world of technology. 

The Accountability Service is custom-designed to help you have honest conversations about how the Internet is used. Removing the secrecy helps to remove the temptation.  The cost is definitely worth the investment--it can be the investment to bring healing to your restoration process. 

**Word of warning: Josh did NOT download this onto his computer for MANY months, as he was NOT ready to be held accountable.  Don't push your spouse, as the ultimatums and things you "require" mean nothing when it comes to buidling trust.  Pray, Pray, Pray!! (that works); Eventually Josh wanted the accountability, and he has not looked back since.

Filtering Service

The filtering service allows you to block undesired content online. Customize their filter to meet your needs. Have multiple usernames with their own custom settings. Control when and for how long the Internet is used. Protect all your home and office computers. At this point we do not have the filtering service, but we are definitely looking into it, as we now have children that are on the computer.  We both have separate user names in order to keep track of our own usage, and we have our reports sent to each other....but also to others, as this helps relieve the stress on your spouse to be your accountability partner. 

Are You My Mother?

You may just think your spouse needs a LOT of mothering? Maybe you think they didn't have a good mom?  Or maybe they had such a helpful mom that YOU are paying for the fact that as an adult they STILL need a mom? The roles in marriage have been so confused, that some of these topics are more easily switched, as well.  Husbands are NOW feeling they have to parent their wives.  It's not just wives mothering their husbands.

If your eyes open one day and you discover that your relationship with your partner is no longer romantic and it has changed into a parent/child relationship, take a good look at yourself and see what you are doing to parent them.  After all, it is hard to respect a spouse and look at them as sexually attractive if you are treating them as a child. So, since the last few days we have discussed the NEEDS of a spouse, maybe you need to see what things you are doing that might be hindering your relationship.  It might be YOUR actions and instincts of "parenting."

Because we do believe this is something women struggle with more, it may seem lop-sided.  This is NOT taking away from the power of a father's influence.  BUT women who have had children know all about the mothering instinct, even the newest of moms. The mothering instinct is strong and it is amazing.  How does a mom KNOW her newborn is hungry even before the baby makes a sound.  Over the years it amazes me how I can awake in the midddle of the night, thinking I heard something.....and realize it was nothing.....but 5 seconds later the baby wakes.  Moms gain amazing God-given powers.  Being pregnant can even seem like an extra dose of spiritual awareness--no, I am not kidding.  There are so many powers, moms ought to have a superhero costume with a big ‘M’ emblazoned across our chests! I might just have to get one of these someday....

All kidding aside though, mothers are great at giving advice.  We are great at seeing things ahead of time. We have the ability to sense danger, and then we automatically give warnings.  It's like we can forsee the future, and those of us with the power of the Holy Spirit, well, it's like DOUBLE power in regards to giving those warnings.  With our children it's amazing what Mommy can tell just by the attitudes and responses given during certain conversations.  Moms sense when quiet REALLY means mischief is in the making.  If our children tell a lie it's like we knew it ahead of time.  Moms have an incredible amount of strength when we feel our children are in danger or need our help. Our touch can soothe a distressed heart and our kisses can make things better; when our children are sick we can almost sense when they are going to cry before they even make a sound. We can do all of this and more… and sometimes only on a few hours of sleep! All of the moms or even moms at heart KNOW this is SO TRUE.

The mothering instinct is so powerful and consuming, is it any wonder that many moms slowly discover they have become their partner's mother? What?  Not you?  Or maybe you just read all of those things and thought, "How does this happen?" It all goes back to our superhero mothering instinct. It is incredibly strong; you might even think to the times where you have thought of how you could be a better mother to someone else's child.  Or you can't seem to turn away another stray cat or dog or bird, or bunny?  When females become moms, most of us just instinctively know how to care and love things. 

BUT you are not called to be your husband's mother!!! 

If you have found that your relationship with your partner has shifted and you feel more like your spouse's parent instead of their friend, lover, and partner you may have some work to do. It is very easy to mother a spouse, especially if the spouse enjoys it! 

Let's ask Josh...Can you blame a guy for letting his wife mother him? Who doesn’t like to be mothered and cared for?  It's hard to blame a guy for being cared for like a mother would.  You're right...who wouldn't want that?  But, in all honesty, it feels WAY better to be appreciated and cared for as a husband and lover than as a child!  I love my mom and I enjoy it when she loves me back as only she can.  But I am no longer in her house, no longer needing the care that she would give me if I was still at home.  Even when I go home to visit my mom, I do not want to be treated like her little boy.  I am a man and expect to be treated as such.  I much rather prefer the treatment I receive from my wife.  She loves me like no other and can respect me like no one else.  She may cater to some of my needs but not because she is "mothering" me but rather she is honoring me as her head.  She recognizes my manhood and responds accordingly.

The problem is most men are happy to indulge in all the caretaking and nurturing......BUT when they are tired of it…then we are labeled a nag!  It is important that moms learn as early as possible how to recognize when they are mothering their spouses so they can stop it. God didn't design a marriage to be this way, because taking on the responsibility of becoming mommy to a man will leave a woman with no soft place to fall and resentment can build quickly.  Resentment leads to that HARD heart...and we KNOW where that leads.......

The other side of this issue is the man's role in fathering his wife.  Men are strong in body and steely within their spirits...at least they should be.  They are able to make snap decision that will usually stand up to scrutiny.  They have compartments and partitions inside of them that allow them to be able to do unthinkably difficult things with little to no lasting damage.  With their children, they are often strict and demanding, desiring for his kids to be better than he was.  He doesn't often have sympathy and compassion for skinned knees for very long.  He is always the fixer of his kid's problems....whether they be broken toys or dealing with neighborhood bullies.  He allows no direspect from his kids.

When it comes to his wife, he should be tender and loving with strong arms to hold her when things get rough.  But, if he develops a fathering complex with his wife, he becomes a different person.  No longer does the husband see his bride as his partner and confidant but rather as a child that needs tending to.  He pushes his wife to be better.  He often will make decision contrary to her counsel for no other reason than to be spiteful.  He gets on her case for leaving lights on, gives advice for keeping a better home, and generally tells her what to do and when to do it.  He talks down to her when he communicates with her.  He does not allow for her to be her own person; she needs to be who he wants her to be.

Here are some signs to watch out for...signs for both the wife and the husband:

• You have to help them find things they have lost--frequently. This is not to say you can't help look for something that is lost.
• You pick out your spouse's clothes for them.  Again, as you read these...it's not meant for the special occasion where you need input or actual help.  BUT you lay out underwear, socks and shoes--EVERYDAY?
• You are in charge of making your spouse's recreation plans. Let your spouse plan their OWN things. Wives, DO NOT whine that he did them before his "chores" were done.  Moms are the ones who feel everything NEEDS to be done to their standards before anything can be enjoyed...our husbands need to know that when their responsibilities are not being done that someone ELSE is going to bring this to their attention--NOT HIS WIFE!!   Pray those people INTO your spouse's life that will help them get their priorities STRAIGHT, if you feel they are "off!"  It does NOT need to be YOU that is making them "perfect!"  You can't do that, remember?
• Reminding your spouse of their chores!!  Seriousley?  Knock it off...it's JUST not your job. AND I am talking about things like the trash, dusting, dishes, toilets, or even mowing the lawn.  These are such obvious things--they can SEE that those things are not done. AND that does not mean I think you should be doing them. There have been times where I have put the garbage on the porch, but I am NOT taking it to the dumpster.  Use some common sense to see if you are always nagging about chores. 
• Remind them of their schedule of what needs to be done for the day--every day! I (Serena) don't need to be reminded that I have to teach the kid's school. I (Josh) do not need to be reminded of each little job I have for the day.  If your husband has not learned some work ethic those things are going to show up without YOU pointing them out.  He is going to get fired if he doesn't show up to work.  AND, my only thought on this....it might be hard if he loses his job, but do you want to spend the rest of your marriage mothering a boy or do you want him to be a man? 
• Do you call your spouse by ‘mom’ or 'dad' more often than you use their pet name or first name?
• You HAVE to prepare their food a certain way so they will eat it.  Or do you make something special just for them? Different from what everyone else is eating? 
• You have to remind them that they need a hair cut or that they need to shave or that they need clothes ironed or that they need to brush their teeth. Your marriage should NOT be filled with nit-picky behavior.  These things are not meant that you should NEVER point them out, but we know marraiges where this is a DAILY thing.  Just picking out EVERYTHING. 
• You have to remind him of holidays or birthdays. You have to make sure he purchases gifts… even for you.   This is NOT to say you are not called to HELP, but you might just need to NOT get a present for Mother's Day, birthday, anniversary.....those are sacrifices you can make if you don't want to be your husband's mom. Do I (Serena) get presents for everyone else...YES, as it would not get done. BUT there have been many holidays/birthdays/anniversaries where I get nothing....I am not going to do it. 
• Does your husband prefer to play video games or watch his action flicks than snuggle or talk to you?  Or, for women, do you prefer your blog reading, Facebook, or chats with girlfriends MORE than you do time with your husband?  Your spouse should be a priority....and sometimes it's because the roles of PARENT has overtaken the role of SPOUSE.   

 When the toilet overflows does he come running to you?

Do you ask him what he wants for dinner, all of the time?

It is perfectly fine and natural to care for and love the men/women in our lives. The key is making sure your spouse doesn’t get lumped into the ‘child’ category. It can be difficult to do, too, especially if you have a partner who likes to be mothered. BUT it's not healthy, as it will get old.  God made you male and female...not parent and child.

But at the beginning of creation God made them male and female. For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh. So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate. Mark 10:6-7

Your husband is leaving his parents, not to have you replace one of them. Your wife is now a part of you...no longer does she find her identity in her parents.  Both of you are to be ONE flesh with one another.  You can't be one flesh with your child; that would be known as incest.  Remember the roles that you and your spouse is supposed to play.  It's husband and wife; no longer two but one flesh.

Josh and Serena

His Needs, Her Needs

Yesterday, as we were talking about our unmet needs, it made us realize a point of contention that happens quite frequently between husbands and wives.  It has the potential to be a huge issue between spouses.  The issue is the needs of men and women; men need sex, women need conversation from the heart.  We know that this is pretty general and that there are exceptions but the resolution to the problem remains the same.

The reason that the "sex vs. conversation" issue is a constant problem for most married couples is that we don't understand each other.  It has been this way since all of us were small children.  Remember back to younger days with us...

Boys tend to climb trees, play with frogs, find ways to "kill" each other with sandwiches bitten into the shape of guns, and laugh when our friends get hurt.  That is just the way boys are!  That is how we learn to socialize and resolve conflicts with our other boy friends.  Girls, on the other hand, learn to socialize by playing with dolls, pretending to cook, play dress up, and have slumber parties where they stay up half the night and dream about their future wedding day.

We are different at our very core.  When a boy starts to like a girl, he doesn't endeavor to show it to her in sophisticated means.  He doesn't write poetry or adore her in song.  He doesn't do the things that would make her swoon.  How does a boy in grade school start to show his interest in the girl that sits in front of him?  He pulls her hair!  How ignorant, and yet, somehow normal for a boy.

Boys, as the turn into men, don't usually stop this kind of behavior.  It's no longer hair pulling but has now turned into more masculine displays but still ignorant.  You see, boys don't understand that women don't get turned on all that much with the overtly masculine displays that he thinks should do the trick.  What the boy needs to learn in order to woo the women that he cares for is to use his words and his brain.

Girls, as the begin to become interested in boys, began fantasizing about life with that boy.  Things like writing out their name with his last name, what the wedding will be like, where they will live, etc.  Often too shy to make the approach to the one that they are attracted to, they use their mind and emotions to become connected to their boy.  And girls, as they become women, continue this behavior only with more details thrown in.  They dream that their man will come in on a white horse with shining armor, whose mouth delivers words of affirmation and love with the sweetness of honey.

All of this is fine and good for children but for married couples this becomes a problem.  After the honeymoon, here is what happens...

He comes to expect her to be ready for a romp in the hay at moment's notice.  Why?  Because he, being the awesome working man that he is, just arrived home from battlefield of work where he fought for his daily bread.  On his way home, he is thinking, "She should be so grateful because I work so hard that I will bet money that she is bed waiting for me to walk, triumphantly, through the door!"

Problem is that she is not and has actually had a doozy of day juggling kid's, household work, and her morning sickness.  She wants nothing more than for her husband to walk in the door, swoop her up in his arms, and ask, "Dear, how was your day?" with nothing but absolute care and compassion in his voice.  He proceeds to listen intently and asks provoking and carefully thought questions about what has been going on a Jr's preschool and how she is feeling now that she is past her first trimester.

Problem is that he doesn't and is totally confused as he walks into the house and finds reality and his ideal world look nothing alike.  She is just as confused as to why he is so distant and cold to her.  It's bit exaggerated but you get the idea...

The husband's need for a physical connection (sex) and the wife's need for an emotional connection (conversation) are basically the same.  They are inherent to each one's core make-up.  Both needs are vital to their feelings of success.  When a husband is satisfied emotionally, he is more prone to chat it up and care about his wife.  When the wife is genuinely cared for and allowed the time and room to bare her soul, she is more ready to bare her body to her husband.

Here is where the breakdown between husbands and wives becomes ugly.  The husband thinks, "Since she won't put out for me, I will play the emotional terrorist, tune her out, and not talk to her!"  The wife thinks, "Since he won't care about me and my day, I will hide my beauty and the body that he wants like it's Area 51!"  It's THE single most ugly cycle that married couples find themselves.  All because they don't understand each other.

Here is the solution for those that want to stop the cycle.  Husbands, even though you want nothing more than to find her standing at the door begging for you, take the extra time to forsake your needs and talk to your wife.  Ask about her day, what she has been thinking about, what her and the Lord have been talking about, etc.  If you will genuinely do this with purpose and passion, it will not be long before you won't be able to keep up with her!  Wives, you may have had the longest day in the history of womanhood and only want to unload on your husband about your trials, but recognize that as bad as you want to talk he wants to be with you physically just as bad.  Take care of your husband and soon he will begin to talk YOUR ear off!

Your needs are the same only manifested differently.  When you begin to understand that your spouse wants to connect with you in their own way as much as you want to in your own way, you can learn to meet the needs of your spouse out of compassion.  Withholding what your spouse wants is cruel and unusual...would you want your needs withheld from you?  Make the sacrifice and do for your spouse first.

Luke 6:31

Do to others as you would like them to do to you.

Josh and Serena

Remaining Married

Yesterday we were talking about boundaries.  As we look a little bit more about boundaries, we would like to do it with idea of remaining married.  Not only does this apply to those of us that are married and currently with our spouses in a good place but especially for those that are currently not with your spouse and need to remain married.

Boundaries are important for each of us but even more so for those of us that are standing for our marriage.  Meaning that if you are currently not physically with your spouse you need to keep that guard up!  If you let it down, you may begin by standing for your marriage but will wind up falling for someone else.  You will reason that this MUST be who God has for you since they are so great.  In reality, you will have jumped your own fences.  If you are believing and standing for your complete marital restoration, DO NOT let someone in that will compromise and jeopardize God's work in you and your marriage.

A problem that we see becoming more and more the norm for some people is the idea of NOT wearing wedding rings.  We have heard all of the excuses.  "I don't want to ruin the ring."  "It doesn't fit well."  "I could lose my finger doing the work I do if I had it on."  "It gets in the way."  Yea, it sounds good and your point why might be totally valid.  However, you start the habit of not wearing a ring and then it is not a big deal when you should be!  As I (Josh) progressed down my debauched road, I began to not wear my ring the moment I walked out the door.  It was my way of distancing myself from my marriage in order to allow me more freedom to live corruptly.  Now, it does NOT leave my finger...EVER!!  It does not matter what I am doing I will ALWAYS be associated with my spouse.  That ring you are supposed to be wearing symbolizes an unending, undying love for your spouse.  Usually made of a precious metal, it is designed to withstand the abuse and torture that live throws at it...much like your commitment to each other should be.

Having said all of that, you who are standing for your spouse should be wearing your ring.  Even if they are not, you should be.  If nothing else it will remind you that you are still married and should conduct yourself as such  Your spouse needs to know that you are still married, that you have not given up, that you are prepared and ready for their eventual return.

That ring (for standers going through it with a prodigal and those that are happily married and all of you somewhere in between) is a boundary that travels with you.  When you wear your ring it tells all those that come in contact with that you and your heart belong to someone else.  You don't have to speak any words and you can boldly declare that "I am off limits."

And, by the way, belonging to someone is not a bad thing.  It is a comforting and reassuring place to live in knowing that you do not belong to yourself.  When you are remaining married, you know that you are not your own; you belong to your spouse.  Therefore, all of your affections, all of your time, all of your energies belong to that spouse.  You may find it hard to let go at first but it becomes easier when you realize and understand that God is watching out over both of you.

Speaking of being prepared and ready for their return brings up a good point.  You need to maintain a readiness in your home and in your life for their return.  You say that you are standing for your prodigal spouse to return but have removed all evidence of their existence from your home and life.  The ring is gone, the pictures are down, and their clothes relegated to a box in the back bedroom.  What if they walked in, right this moment, and said that they wanted to work on restoration?  Would your home and life welcome them back?  Would you have to make room for them?

When I (Josh) was gone, Serena had begun to remove my things from the home and walls.  She took the pictures off the walls and put away my things.  But, when she began to stand, she learned that if I was to come home I would feel out of place.  Where were all of my things?  I can only imagine the heartache seeing the pictures and reliving those memories did to her but she knew momentary pain would be worth the cost if when I came home I was welcomed back with open arms.

So, fix the excuse why you don't wear your ring (get it sized, deal with the hassle of putting it on after dishes or after the dangerous work is done, etc.) and put it back on!  Pull out the pictures from the closet and rehang them.  Get their things and put their stuff back in its rightful place.  Prepare your house and life and be ready for God's hand to move.  It may just happen when you least expect it.

Josh and Serena

Fence Me In....Please!!

So, here is a topic that DESPERATELY needs to be addressed, and we will probably continue to address.   It is one that has been neglected by most everyone and yet needs to be maintained at all costs.  This is important for everyone but especially important to the married person; vitally important to the one who is standing for the restoration of their marriage.

It is boundaries.  Boundaries in our actions, boundaries in our words and conversation, boundaries in our relationships...specifically, our relationships with those of the opposite sex.

If we listen to our culture today we would think that there is no need for boundaries with the opposite sex.  We would hear that males and females can remain platonic friends, best friends even, without the involvement of amorous feelings and emotions.  We would hear that males and females can work together in the workplace without any type of emotional connection being formed.  We would also hear that if your spouse  has a bff of the opposite sex that you are to be alright with it.

All of this could not be further from the truth!

The boundaries that we set up with the opposite sex now, could and most likely, will save you a lifetime of heartache later.  We cannot put ourselves in close proximity to a member of the opposite sex and not expect to be drawn closer to them.  It is the simple laws of attraction between men and women.  If you hang around with someone long enough, eventually, there will be a connection deeper than what is appropriate.

If you create the type of boundaries that we are talking about you will be looked down upon, maybe ridiculed, or even shunned.  We have seen this firsthand in our lives.  A few years back, while we were still recovering and being restored, some people that we began to form a friendship with had a bit of a hard time handling our boundaries.  As we were hanging out with them frequently, we exchanged cell numbers so we could stay in touch.  After a while the wife began to text me (Josh) for no apparent reason.  She never said or did anything inappropriate but the frequency began to be a problem.  So, I (Serena) made it very clear to stop texting my husband and then explained why--even said it was NOT about her but about us. That was pretty much the end of the friendship at the time.  This woman did not understand because she had never been taught.  Some time later, she began to understand and made a full apology to Serena for the fallout of that incident.  She now understands and keeps her distance from Josh.  We had established our boundaries and would not compromise them, even for friends. It can break your heart, but it's better that....than breaking your marriage.

Even more recently, we encountered a couple that we really liked.  They had a larger family than most of our friends (not more than us though) and were homeschoolers like us.  We felt a draw to them and invited them over for dinner.  It was a great night.  Less than a week later, Josh received a phone call from the husband's phone but the wife was calling.  We had made our boundaries known during the dinner earlier that week, through a conversation about our past.  When she called her first words were, "I know that this will probably destroy our friendship but _____."  Our new friends were in marital distress and she was still aware of our boundaries and was very sorry for having to violate them.  Well, by those being here first words made it very clear that she understood what boundaries were and was honoring of them. The friendship we have today would not be the same if it were not for those boundaries in place, and we cherish our relationship with them. It's safe: for them, and us!
I (Josh) was always for the concept of boundaries but always wanted to make sure that the exceptions to the rule were clear.  Such as...if I saw a woman stranded on the side of the road I was obliged to help since I would want a great man to stop to help my wife if she were stranded.  The scenario that you can imagine where you drop the fences and expose your most vulnerable areas is the same scenario that the enemy will cause to happen.  Once, while I was working at a client's house, a horse that she owned bit off the tip of her finger!  I know, huh?  This kind of stuff never happens!  She came running to me and was begging me to drive her in her car to the hospital.  Sounds legit, right?  Well, the back story was that I was only a few weeks from being caught having an affair (before I ran from Serena and God).  Serena and I had been having conversations about boundaries and where they needed to be.  I made sure to keep the exceptions there....and sure enough, the enemy made them happen.  One of our biggest fights after I returned home from my adulterous life was one about a hypothetical situation involving a single woman, a snowstorm, a broke down vehicle, her house, and a cup of coffee.  Long story short...I didn't understand the NEED for specific boundaries in our relationship.

So, what do proper boundaries look like?  We will give you some things in how it look for us.  This is not definitive but ever evolving as life and situations change.  But, the core of 'why' never changes.  The 'why' is that our marriage is, apart from our individual salvation and relationship with Christ, THE MOST IMPORTANT THING WE HAVE!!

First, we do NOT make a point to spend much time in communication with the opposite sex.  That means email, Facebook, phone calls, or face to face.  Whenever one of us is in a position to be in communication with the opposite sex, we tell the other one.  Even if it is a simple hello while passing each other in the halls of church, we tell.  Complete transparency is the goal.  If anything is ever said or done that has to be hid, it is more than likely inappropriate.

Secondly, we do not have friends of the opposite sex.  By friends I mean people that we allow to get close to us on an individual basis.  We have many couples that we are close to that we do life with and share our hearts with.  But, even within that context, the opposite spouses do NOT contact the others apart from the presence of their respective spouses.  This is not meant to be suffocating; it is liberating.  We can be friends with people that share our beliefs about boundaries.  And even if it was suffocating and we had no friends, so what?  Our marriage is worth the sacrifice.

And speaking of friends, we don't have friends that do not FULLY support the boundaries that we have established.  Not only that, they have boundaries in their own marriages that are similar to ours.  That is only more insulation.

Now, in our age of the Internet, email, and Facebook, we must be even more cautious.  If you were to look at our respective Facebook accounts or Internet activity or email accounts you will not find anything that our spouse does not know.  Serena knows about every female that I am friends with on Facebook and has approved them; Josh knows and has approved of everyone on my account.  Sometimes, we have to say ''No" to certain people that we do not feel would be a beneficial friend to have for our spouse.  It might even mean defriending people that prove to be...shady.  It may seem mean to those being denied but, again, our marriage is worth the sacrifice.

And since we are on the subject of Facebook, Internet, and the like....your spouse needs to know ALL of your accounts in social media world and, even more crucial, ALL of your passwords to those accounts!!  Every single last one of them!!  Nothing hidden, nothing held back.  That means to your email accounts, Facebook and Myspace (and whatever social networking that you do), and cell phones (all of them...work and personal).

It would appear obvious, but....we do NOT ride in a car with a member of the opposite sex....we do NOT allow ourselves to be alone with a member of the opposite sex...we do NOT jeopardize our reputation by letting our guard down.  When our guard goes down, the devil will strike.  He doesn't want to battle you when you are prepared for him.

So, set those boundaries!  Build those fences!!  Establish those walls!!  Keep you and your spouse safe from the attack of the enemy!  The fences and boundaries may seem confining at first but will allow you more freedom to further establish a deep relationship with your spouse and keep you safe from marauding friendships!

Josh and Serena

Quick Fix or Lasting Change?

About a year ago, we were at a pastor's conference in southern California.  The host pastor was sharing a story about fishing to illustrate a point.  We will save you the long story and get straight to the point.  There are two types of fishing for trout, bait fishing (worms, jigs, etc.) and fly-fishing.  Bait fishing will only work for some time and you will only have mediocre success.  However, fly-fishing will get you more fish...you have greater success.  Today, we want to help you "fish" with greater success.

We have mentioned ultimatums in the past.  An ultimatum (Latin: the last one) is a demand whose fulfillment is requested in a specified period of time and which is backed up by a threat to be followed through in case of noncompliance. An ultimatum is generally the final demand in a series of requests. As such, the time allotted is usually short, and the request is understood not to be open to further negotiation. We have used them in our marriage before but it never became more clear how useless they are until our marriage fell apart.  Ultimatums are those quick fixes.  From the outside I (Josh) complied with all of the demands Serena made after she caught me in what she thought was my first affair.  We argued about a few ultimatums in order for me to keep up appearances, but I pretty much kept my part of HER deals...at least that was what she thought.  I didn't call the other woman on my phone...the one she knew about.  I (Serena) would check every phone call Josh made, and he let me.  He was willing to let me see his computer, his phone, and his e-mail.  He was so "open,"  because I demanded it.  But, as we learned through trial and error that this is not how marriage restoration happens.  I (Serena) was demanding that my ultimatums were met only to find out that there was no lasting change.  Ultimatums, as we learned, are only good for bringing about short-term change; they are a quick fix and only allow for a shallow relationship.

When people ask HOW we built trust back in our marriage it was not from demands being met; those are so superficial.  We absolutely believe in boundaries needing to be set, but we have also learned they mean NOTHING if the heart isn't right.  Separate cell phones, separate e-mail accounts, and hidden stashes of money were only a few of the things that Josh kept hidden.  How can you put ultimatums on things you don't know about?  You can demand your spouse wear their wedding ring, but are they taking it off before they leave the drive way?  This post isn't meant to make you wonder about all of the lies that COULD be happening it's to make us aware that our superficial desire for a QUICK, OUTWARD fix means nothing in the long run. 

Is the prayer you have been praying selfish?  Have you been praying for your spouse to come back to you?  Or do you desire more for your spouse and your marriage?  If you are truly loving your spouse you would have to admit that you would rather have them get a changed heart than just come back to you.  Wouldn't you rather them have a heart that grieves at the thought of disappointing God instead of disappointing you? 
A heart that desires God and burns to know Him more is a heart that is able to build trust.

We are not saying that you should not be checking cell phones or email accounts OCCASIONALLY (We emphasize this "occasionally" because you can drive yourself crazy trying to keep up on every single call or email!).  But, your checking up on your spouse is like shining a dim flashlight with dying batteries into vast unending darkness.  Begin to pray for your spouse and ask that the Holy Spirit to start shining some light into their life.  Besides, who is better at shining LIGHT into dark places; you or God?  God is and if you are seeking His face continually, He will reveal truth.  Josh being honest about the past is a very good thing...but it's NOT everything.  Josh being honest is more about HIS recovery than mine.

So....you still want to fish with your old bait of ultimatums?  Or would you rather change your tactics and have greater success?

Josh and Serena

Standing On Your Own Two Feet

How was your stance before you started reading this blog?  Did you have the tools you needed?  Or did you find yourself constantly discouraged and frustrated by the state of your marriage?  If we didn't post would you be standing as strong?
We would venture to say you would not be standing as strong.  Not because we are so amazing (cuz we're not) or have some privileged revelation about marriage (cuz we don't) but because we are always stronger when we have support in our corner.  This is not to say that you can't stand without us.  However, we stand stronger together than apart.  By us knowing that you are there reading, it forces us to find something to give to you.  Which in turn forces us to dig deeper for more in our marriage and in Christ.  We also know that you are praying for us.  We, in turn, are praying for you and your marriage.

With all that being said, please do not look to us to be your rock in this time.  We love being here for you but, inevitably, we will fail you.  You HAVE to learn to stand on your own two feet.  You have to find that place that you can go to and receive the strength you need.  Here are a few things that will help you find your own footing so that you can stand through it all.

We would encourage you to learn two things; prayer and fasting.  The kind of prayer that we are talking about is not simple prayers that we pray before a meal or before bed.  We mean deep intercession for your spouse and your marital situation.  Not only selfish prayers about bringing your spouse back to you, physically or emotionally, but prayers for God Almighty to arrest them in their spirits.  That may mean you have to pray some very scary prayers (i.e. "Lord, WHATEVER it takes, bring him/her back to you...").  You need to learn to allow the Holy Spirit to pray through you.  Stop now and go read Romans 8:26, 27.  We cannot stress this enough; LEARN HOW TO PRAY!!  This will be the most effective tool in your arsenal.

The second part of that is that you need to combine your prayers with fasting.  Fasting most of the time indicates a forsaking of culinary pleasures for the sake of spiritual discipline.  However, in our technological age that we live in, I think it also applies to social media, Internet, TV, or any other pleasures that bring comfort to our flesh.  We give up those things that keep us from the face of God and earnestly seek His face.  That might mean that you stop reading here and commit to a season of fasting.  Your readership will be missed but knowing that you are seeking God's face will be an accepted reason for not reading!

A website that you might helpful in learning to stand on your own is biblegateway.com.  They have search features and different Bible translations that you can access FOR FREE.  Search for Scriptures about husbands and wives, about truth and virtue, about spiritual warfare, about seeking the face of God, or anything else the Lord lays on your heart...such as prayer and fasting.  Once you have found some Scriptures that encourage you read them in different translations (New Living, King James, The Message, etc.) and learn a deeper meaning of what you are reading.  Many times a different version will make all the difference in the world and suddenly you have a Scripture that will be like bedrock for you.

Study the Scriptures!  Don't rely on what you hear from us or what your bff said or what your own pastor has said from the pulpit.  Find out what God's Word says for yourself.  When you learn something for yourself, you then OWN that knowledge and revelation.  Once you have been persuaded by the Truth nothing else will be able to lie to you and bring you condemnation or guilt.

Learn to use a concordance.  In case you don't know, a concordance is a bible study tool that helps you learn the meanings of words in their original language.  You don't have to know Hebrew or Greek to use one.  A Strong's Concordance is highly regarded as the best but it is based on the King James version of the Bible.  There are other ones out there; check your local Christian book store for more information.  But, in the age of the Internet, there is a Strong's Concordance online FOR FREE!!  Don't you just love it?  Find your Scripture or word within the verse, learn its meaning and how it is used in context, what tense it is in, and where else it occurs in Scripture.  Soak in the deeper meanings of the Scripture.

We thank you for your readership and your allowing us to speak to you.  We are humbled that we have the opportunity to share in your restoration process and honored to fight alongside of you.  Keep standing!!

Josh and Serena

Standing in the Gap

This phrase "standing in the gap" what does it really mean?

And I sought for a man among them that should make up the hedge, and stand in the gap before me for the land, that I should not destroy it: but I found none. Therefore have I poured out mine indignation upon them; I have consumed them with the fire of my wrath: their own way have I recompensed upon their heads, saith the Lord GOD.  Ezekiel 22:30-31

Do we really understand the significance of the job?  Many married couples I hear talking about "standing in the gap" for their spouse.....um, did you READ what that means???  I mean, do you GET how HARD that looks, just READING it?  Walking it out....a WHOLE other story!!!  For me to say, my job is to stand in the gap for my children is actually not too difficult at the moment....the oldest is 9. Easy to say that's my job when things are going well and God's wrath isn't burning.  How often do we step out of the way when the fire gets hot?

In context the above verse is God describing the moral condition of the Jewish nation.  The prophets had entered into a conspiracy of not preaching the truth, thus they would only preach what was popular and positive for the sake of material gain (22:25).  The priests were not any better, for they failed to make a clear distinction between the clean and the unclean, or the holy and the common.  In other words, they permitted a state of moral ambiguity where everything was a shade a gray.  They had failed to teach the people God’s regulations (22:26).  The rulers over God’s people, those in positions of civil and political power, were in the habit of destroying the lives of others for the sake of material and social gains (22:27).   The people of the land, that is, the wealthy landowners, were exploiting the less fortunate, greed and the bottom line was the overriding policy (22:29).   God had searched, but He could not find any man, who would arise as a moral leader to stand in the gap and thus rebuild the moral wall that protected Judah from judgment. 

Morality is like a wall that shields people from divine wrath, yet where that wall breaks down, judgment enters.  Basically, God had said the same thing through Jeremiah, “Roam to and fro through the streets of Jerusalem, and look now, and take note.  And seek in her open squares, if you can find a man, if there is one who does justice, who seeks truth, then I will pardon her” (5:1).

When I read the above description of God’s people during the time of Ezekiel, it sounds like the moral condition of our nation.  More and more religious groups are conforming to the prevailing culture; the modern “prophets” and “priests” are preaching what is popular.  Oh, this is not to say ALL churches.  It seems like there is a deliberate conspiracy to avoid preaching God’s truth or to keep His truth hidden (Romans 1:18).

There is a gap between what  they cannot see as a danger to them and what someone willing to face the hardship and danger to protect them from what you can see. Justice must be answered and protected, but mercy must find a way as well.  God is JUST, but we can be an avenue of His mercy. This is LOVE. This is why God is God...how does justice and mercy flow at the same time? 

Every generation needs people to form a spiritual remnant, people to rebuild the moral and spiritual foundations and walls which popular culture and the unfaithful have tried to dismantle. 

Jeremiah 6:16

This is what the LORD says: “Stand at the crossroads and look; ask for the ancient paths, ask where the good way is, and walk in it, and you will find rest for your souls.  But you said, ‘We will not walk in it.’

As it may be hard for a time, you will be standing in the gap and building walls that future generations can benefit from....our perspective must be an eternal one.  Let's say your spouse never returns to your home, yet you have stood for marriage....future generations will NOT easily forget the sacrifice it took to stand in the gap.  Let's not be the ones who say, "We will not walk in it." 

Do your children and others know you are not too busy with this life and do they see that you have an eternal perspective? Do they know this by word or deed?  We must not place work and hobbies ahead of the spiritual needs of our families.  No job has the moral right to ask one to sacrifice one’s marriage or the spiritual growth of one’s children for its sake. People/Children need to hear how good God has been, what God has done for you, how God had taken care of you, how God’s ways are pleasant, and how God can always be trusted (Psalm 37:25).  People need to hear about our spiritual success stories. 

Do your children hear you praying for them (and being specific) and the other members of the family.  We have lots of work to get here, so please do not think we have this perfected. Standing in the gap means teaching our boys how to treat girls with respect and honor.  It means talking about the dangers of lust and pornography.  It also means that we do not glorify and revel in violence  (Genesis 6:11).  Standing in the gap also means protecting our daughters from predators and men who have eyes full of adultery (2 Peter 2:14) This will demand that we talk to them, and tell them what we expect, what God expects.

Standing in the gap for your spouse requires the love of Christ, as we have said before.  The heart of our Father is filled with mercy.  He would much rather NOT allow His wrath to burn hot, but He is just.  Are you willing to raise the standard of morality in your home?  Are you willing to step back and evaluate if you are taking the easy road or the RIGHT road?  Have you decided that God's way means that you should never suffer or cry out in pain?  When God's wrath is kindled and you stand in between the person deserving of His wrath it just might burn like hell....are you running?  Or standing firm?  Or lifting up God's standard of holiness and interceding on behalf of your spouse's soul? 

Unfortunately, even in some Christian families, parents play the role of a child instead of a parent.  Are you concerned about what the children are watching in the TV. Are you observant concerning language, attitudes and behavior?  Your children should KNOW that you can tell the difference between good and evil (Hebrews 5:14).  Standing in the gap does not mean seeing how close we can get to sin without sinning, or how much filth we can handle without turning off the set.  Standing in the gap means restoring the walls of godliness and morality.  As a the person standing in the gap we are trying to restore God’s standards or are we trying to see how far we can stretch them?  If you have no children are you protecting yourself? Husbands are your protecting your wives?

Often unspiritual people when they are challenged about a certain behavior or practice that they are involved in will have a knee jerk reaction and say something like, “Are you saying this might send me to hell?”  Those that stand in the gap ask an even more important question, “Does this manifest a hunger and passion for God?  Or, does it manifest apathy towards His holiness and His will?”  When you come across someone who says they don't own a TV do you view them with a critical eye or do you step back and think about MAYBE they are manifesting a deeper hunger and passion?  (We have a TV, but who am I to judge someone who is choosing NOT to fill their home with a device that most DEFINITELY CAN cause an apathy?) 

All of the things involved with standing are interlocked.  In order to stand between the fire of God and your spouse you HAVE to love them!!  You HAVE to remain soft.  This is OFTEN and most likely, depending on your situation, a DAILY (maybe minute-by-minute perhaps) cry of your heart.  You can not physically, spiritually, emotionally stand in the gap for someone that you HATE.  It is NOT possible. If you despise the thought of your child you cannot possibly be teaching them the standards of God, as He is love... 

To get a picture of what Christ did for us on the cross, laying down His life for His undeserving people.....how can we FULLY understand what it means to stand in the gap for our spouse.  It's undeserving, yet we are to be like Him. Your spouse may, for a time, even ridicule you for doing it--as stupid.  But when we are drawn closer to God, we find ourselves willing to be more like Him for those God is calling us to stand in the gap for until God prepares their heart to accept Christ's love for themselves.

Impossible you might be thinking? My spouse is just too evil, you may be saying. Not at all! No one is beyond God's reach. Remember He is the Creator of hearts and He knows just what can remold it.

Psalm 51:10   Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me. 

Christian writer, C. S. Lewis, once wrote in his book Mere Christianity that "evil is only spoiled goodness." It is not even original! It is God's goodness that has the ultimate power over evil. God has given us a free will, but it is a limited one with respect to His sovereignty and His wisdom. Nothing is too hard for Him!

So with everything we do in prayer and fasting on behalf of standing we must claim....."Be reconciled to God." 2 Corinthians 5:20

Christ's journey to the cross, standing in the gap for our sin....was marked with many trials, so learn to expect that those things WILL indeed come.  He took stripes on His back, so rejoice that your stand is not WRONG because of the trials you may endure...but cling to the promises God has given to you. His heart is that NONE should perish.