It's strange to look back and see the hand of God in your life...even when you wanted nothing to do with Him.
While I was away from Serena, I met a man that was a picture of who I was to become if I stayed the path I was running on. It was kind of a "Ghost of Christmas Future" sort of experience. This man was a friend of a friend. As I had dinner with him one night, he told me all about his past before his college days. He told me about how he had a Christian band that opened for some big name artists. He told me about his parents and grandparents and how if you mentioned their name in certain circles they would be very highly regarded. Then he told me about what happened when he went away to college and was introduced to a different life.
As he relayed these stories to me, I couldn't help but think of myself and what I had done in years past and if this is how I would end up. I thought, "I am never going to play music again. I am never going to be worth anything after these things I had done." The devil was using that meeting to cause me to slip deeper into my sin and shame. But, God had other plans...
As I look back now, I see God's loving hand STILL guiding me. He introduced me to this guy...allowed this man to be placed in my life. God's quiet voice was warning me of a life to come if I didn't change. Even though I was running hard away from the Father, He was running harder after me. He refused to leave me or forsake me even though I forsook Him. He didn't want to see me fail; He was working for my destiny to be revealed...our destiny to be revealed.
So, standers....here is the view from a redeemed prodigal. God is able to place who He wants where He wants. You may think that the people surrounding your prodigal spouse are no good for them. Pray that God would place people around them that would be the warning call to them.
Prodigals reading this...God has not stopped pursuing you! You may think that you are all alone but God is chasing you faster and harder than you can run from Him. Nothing you have done or will do is beyond what His grace can cover. No where you go is beyond His reach. All you have to do is ask for Him and He will come to your rescue! Call for Him...He's watching and waiting for you to even begin to turn back to Him.
Josh and Serena
Showing posts with label Pig Pen. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Pig Pen. Show all posts
Friday, August 12, 2011
Saturday, August 6, 2011
Returned Prodigal
This next week marks 4 years since my (Josh) departure from my family and from my God. Some days it feels like so long ago, others like it was yesterday. Ever since that fateful day, August has proved to be a rather difficult month. It was this month that much of my sordid, hidden past came to light.
Leading up to that day (it was the 9th, so you know) I had no intention of leaving my family. I was getting bolder in my forays into darker territories but still no intention of doing the things I did to my family. I had figured that this relationship would be just like all my others. However, the devil had other plans.
And, as a teaching point, that is EXACTLY what the enemy would want you to think...that this time will be like the last time and other times. But, by the time you realize what has happened, his hooks are in you and you become his marionette. He pulls the strings and you dance his dance. You may have no intention to go that far but the devil's plans call for that specifically.
The day that it all went down, it felt like a switch had been flipped in me. No longer was it me but someone else saying those words and doing those things. The "good" side of me had be short-circuited and, now, the "bad' side had taken over. Deep down I knew what was right and what I was supposed to do. But, I was tired of putting on that mask. I had been living two lives for so long that sooner or later one of them had to do away with the other. And because I had not fed my spirit, my flesh took over.
Not sure why I am telling you all this today but it needs to be said. Maybe you are the one that is leaving, has left, or is wrestling with two lives. If so, do WHATEVER you must to feed your spirit. Take a personal day at work to get alone with God. He will meet you there if you give Him the time and space to talk to you. Please, don't go down the road that I did. Don't put your family, your wife, your husband through the hell that I put mine through. Four years later and we are still dealing with the wounds and scars that I caused.
Or maybe you are the one who got left. You need to understand some of the workings of your prodigals mind. They may not even be aware of the things that they are doing. The switch might have been flipped in them. Your prayers need to be that God would work on that spouse and that whatever got broken and short-circuited would be made right and whole again.
It is never...and we do mean NEVER...too late for you, for your spouse, or for your marriage that God cannot make new that which is broken. Don't give up! Don't stop standing!
So we can end this post on a positive note....we are great, now! Yes, we deal with the hurt, pain, wounds, and scars from days gone by but they are only minor issues that are usually gone within hours or minutes of their coming to light. We are madly in love with one another. Sometimes it is hard to deal with the past but the Father has kept His promise to us....
Leading up to that day (it was the 9th, so you know) I had no intention of leaving my family. I was getting bolder in my forays into darker territories but still no intention of doing the things I did to my family. I had figured that this relationship would be just like all my others. However, the devil had other plans.
And, as a teaching point, that is EXACTLY what the enemy would want you to think...that this time will be like the last time and other times. But, by the time you realize what has happened, his hooks are in you and you become his marionette. He pulls the strings and you dance his dance. You may have no intention to go that far but the devil's plans call for that specifically.
The day that it all went down, it felt like a switch had been flipped in me. No longer was it me but someone else saying those words and doing those things. The "good" side of me had be short-circuited and, now, the "bad' side had taken over. Deep down I knew what was right and what I was supposed to do. But, I was tired of putting on that mask. I had been living two lives for so long that sooner or later one of them had to do away with the other. And because I had not fed my spirit, my flesh took over.
Not sure why I am telling you all this today but it needs to be said. Maybe you are the one that is leaving, has left, or is wrestling with two lives. If so, do WHATEVER you must to feed your spirit. Take a personal day at work to get alone with God. He will meet you there if you give Him the time and space to talk to you. Please, don't go down the road that I did. Don't put your family, your wife, your husband through the hell that I put mine through. Four years later and we are still dealing with the wounds and scars that I caused.
Or maybe you are the one who got left. You need to understand some of the workings of your prodigals mind. They may not even be aware of the things that they are doing. The switch might have been flipped in them. Your prayers need to be that God would work on that spouse and that whatever got broken and short-circuited would be made right and whole again.
It is never...and we do mean NEVER...too late for you, for your spouse, or for your marriage that God cannot make new that which is broken. Don't give up! Don't stop standing!
So we can end this post on a positive note....we are great, now! Yes, we deal with the hurt, pain, wounds, and scars from days gone by but they are only minor issues that are usually gone within hours or minutes of their coming to light. We are madly in love with one another. Sometimes it is hard to deal with the past but the Father has kept His promise to us....
Romans 8:28
And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good
of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them.
Josh and Serena
Saturday, June 25, 2011
View From the Pig Pen
This time of year is kind of hard for me. This is the time of year that many of my problems took shape. It's fair time around the country. You know...4H, FFA, home-baked goods up for 1st prize, cinnamon rolls, and funnel cakes. I hate this time of year.
Now, I have nothing against fairs in and of themselves. It can be a very fun time for the family. Looking at all the accomplishments of the kids that raised their livestock is a blast for the children. Getting to snack on giant turkey legs that put your stomach in knots is always a good time. Free concerts in the summertime is hard to beat. Fairs are a good time...unless you spent the previous 8 years using that time to pursue your carnal desires.
I worked at the local fair for about 8 years as a security guard. We were there to make sure that a good time was had by all and remove those that would make others fair experience a bad time. Most people that worked the fair did it to earn a few extra bucks and that was the excuse I used. But, in all honesty, I used it to hit on other women.
My view from the pig pen consisted of taking in all of the eye candy (actually, eye heroin) that showed up at the fair each night. I used the fair to let my second life come to the surface more and let it run wild. I was not seen by my wife and kids for most of the 10 days that it was in town. I had no accountability for my time or whereabouts.
So, this time of year is difficult for me to see the fair coming to town. I wish I could have those memories of time at the fair redeemed so that I could experience it with my family without remembering the hurt that I eventually caused by my lies.
As you stand for your marriage and your prodigal spouse, keep this in mind...when your spouse does come home there may be some things that they did while they were gone that may be long term reminders about where they were at one time. This does not mean that they are still acting wrong; it simply means that they have sensitive areas that are still healing. When your spouse's heart has been softened and humbled by God they will have areas that are particularly sensitive to memories. You need to be cautious not to push them too hard in those areas. Pushing them hard will not drive them away but it will simply remind them of the pain they caused. You don't have to remind them of what happened; they remember all too well.
On the other hand, I will not be held hostage to my past or to bad memories. If I want to have the fair time redeemed, I must begin to make new memories with my family. Serena understands both sides of this so it makes it a bit easier. She knows how hard it is for me to think about those times. So, she doesn't push me too go if I seem to be a bit bothered by it. But, she still asks because she also knows that we need new memories. I am sure we will be going to our local fair sometime in the next week.
Josh
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Now, I have nothing against fairs in and of themselves. It can be a very fun time for the family. Looking at all the accomplishments of the kids that raised their livestock is a blast for the children. Getting to snack on giant turkey legs that put your stomach in knots is always a good time. Free concerts in the summertime is hard to beat. Fairs are a good time...unless you spent the previous 8 years using that time to pursue your carnal desires.
I worked at the local fair for about 8 years as a security guard. We were there to make sure that a good time was had by all and remove those that would make others fair experience a bad time. Most people that worked the fair did it to earn a few extra bucks and that was the excuse I used. But, in all honesty, I used it to hit on other women.
My view from the pig pen consisted of taking in all of the eye candy (actually, eye heroin) that showed up at the fair each night. I used the fair to let my second life come to the surface more and let it run wild. I was not seen by my wife and kids for most of the 10 days that it was in town. I had no accountability for my time or whereabouts.
So, this time of year is difficult for me to see the fair coming to town. I wish I could have those memories of time at the fair redeemed so that I could experience it with my family without remembering the hurt that I eventually caused by my lies.
As you stand for your marriage and your prodigal spouse, keep this in mind...when your spouse does come home there may be some things that they did while they were gone that may be long term reminders about where they were at one time. This does not mean that they are still acting wrong; it simply means that they have sensitive areas that are still healing. When your spouse's heart has been softened and humbled by God they will have areas that are particularly sensitive to memories. You need to be cautious not to push them too hard in those areas. Pushing them hard will not drive them away but it will simply remind them of the pain they caused. You don't have to remind them of what happened; they remember all too well.
On the other hand, I will not be held hostage to my past or to bad memories. If I want to have the fair time redeemed, I must begin to make new memories with my family. Serena understands both sides of this so it makes it a bit easier. She knows how hard it is for me to think about those times. So, she doesn't push me too go if I seem to be a bit bothered by it. But, she still asks because she also knows that we need new memories. I am sure we will be going to our local fair sometime in the next week.
Josh
Thursday, June 16, 2011
View From the Pig Pen
"What am I missing out on?"
This was the type of thinking that helped me along on the path to departing from my faith and my God. I reasoned in my broken mind that because I was living this "Christian" life I was somehow missing out on the plethora of opportunities that were to be had in the world. From my viewpoint, on the right side of the fence, that everything beyond what I could see must be far more fun than where I was currently. I thought that the old adage, "The grass isn't always greener on the other side of the fence." must have been a lie. From where I stood everything looked better than the life I had.
This type of thinking finds it hold us from the influence of popular culture. In our TV shows and in our movies, the lifestyle of party hard and live your life with no thought to the consequences is ingrained in us. We laugh at the guy that is so drunk that he has no idea what he is doing or is being done to him. We procure our entertainment from watching people maneuver through the ups and downs of a debauched life. We find our humor in watching men cheat on their wives and the lies they tell to continue in their lifestyle. It is so sad.
And that was the life I wanted to live. I wanted to be the party guy, the drunk guy, the sleeping around guy, the guy that everyone wanted to know. I thought that guy was better than the guy that blessed his kids and tucked them in each night. I thought that the cheating guy was better and more fun than the guy that was faithful to his wife and always would stand strong for her. I wanted to be the the fun guy; the guy I was was a stick in the mud. In reality, if I had stood my ground for the being the man that I was and committing to it, would have been the envy of all the TV shows and movies. Men that are strong in soul and spirit are to be admired much more than men that are only in it for the fun.
The allure of the world that I was not in, called to me...not to more fun but to the pig pen. And I responded by running full-force, headlong into it...with no thought to the damage I would cause. However, that was not who I was. I was a family man...I was a Godly man. I was not the party animal; I was the steadfast rock for my family. No matter what I did or where I went I would not be able to shake that feeling. I may have been able to make it fade a bit but never made it go away. I tried extremely hard to make it disappear. I had to make my heart colder and harder in order to continue doing what I was doing. Even if I couldn't see it with natural eyes from the pig pen, the view that remained in my mind was one of my home and my family.
My problem was that I was not on the right side of the fence....or the wrong side. I was walking the top rail. And walking the middle does not give you a proper perspective. I saw myself as boring because I wasn't committed to God. You can have a lot more fun in Christ when you aren't looking out for what you are missing. Now that I am wholly committed to God and my family, I have a lot more fun and enjoy life to the fullest.
What am I missing out on, now? Nothing at all! I have the best life that could be imagined by God. I never want to see the world from the pig pen ever again.
Pray that your spouse that is far from you and God would have moments of visual clarity, in their mind or with natural eyes, to see where they are and where they should be. God can do amazing things when a standing spouse begins to pray for their other half!
Josh
This was the type of thinking that helped me along on the path to departing from my faith and my God. I reasoned in my broken mind that because I was living this "Christian" life I was somehow missing out on the plethora of opportunities that were to be had in the world. From my viewpoint, on the right side of the fence, that everything beyond what I could see must be far more fun than where I was currently. I thought that the old adage, "The grass isn't always greener on the other side of the fence." must have been a lie. From where I stood everything looked better than the life I had.
This type of thinking finds it hold us from the influence of popular culture. In our TV shows and in our movies, the lifestyle of party hard and live your life with no thought to the consequences is ingrained in us. We laugh at the guy that is so drunk that he has no idea what he is doing or is being done to him. We procure our entertainment from watching people maneuver through the ups and downs of a debauched life. We find our humor in watching men cheat on their wives and the lies they tell to continue in their lifestyle. It is so sad.
And that was the life I wanted to live. I wanted to be the party guy, the drunk guy, the sleeping around guy, the guy that everyone wanted to know. I thought that guy was better than the guy that blessed his kids and tucked them in each night. I thought that the cheating guy was better and more fun than the guy that was faithful to his wife and always would stand strong for her. I wanted to be the the fun guy; the guy I was was a stick in the mud. In reality, if I had stood my ground for the being the man that I was and committing to it, would have been the envy of all the TV shows and movies. Men that are strong in soul and spirit are to be admired much more than men that are only in it for the fun.
The allure of the world that I was not in, called to me...not to more fun but to the pig pen. And I responded by running full-force, headlong into it...with no thought to the damage I would cause. However, that was not who I was. I was a family man...I was a Godly man. I was not the party animal; I was the steadfast rock for my family. No matter what I did or where I went I would not be able to shake that feeling. I may have been able to make it fade a bit but never made it go away. I tried extremely hard to make it disappear. I had to make my heart colder and harder in order to continue doing what I was doing. Even if I couldn't see it with natural eyes from the pig pen, the view that remained in my mind was one of my home and my family.
My problem was that I was not on the right side of the fence....or the wrong side. I was walking the top rail. And walking the middle does not give you a proper perspective. I saw myself as boring because I wasn't committed to God. You can have a lot more fun in Christ when you aren't looking out for what you are missing. Now that I am wholly committed to God and my family, I have a lot more fun and enjoy life to the fullest.
What am I missing out on, now? Nothing at all! I have the best life that could be imagined by God. I never want to see the world from the pig pen ever again.
Pray that your spouse that is far from you and God would have moments of visual clarity, in their mind or with natural eyes, to see where they are and where they should be. God can do amazing things when a standing spouse begins to pray for their other half!
Josh
Rembrandt's The Prodigal in the Tavern
Thursday, June 9, 2011
View from the Pig Pen
We thought it might be good for you if you hear from me (Josh) about the time I spent as a prodigal. Hopefully, it will give you some insight into what your prodigal spouse might be dealing with. We are thinking that this might become a recurring post that I share every week or so.
You should know that in the Bible story about the prodigal that the prodigal made his choices based on his own perceptions, not on truth. He demanded his inheritance from his father and set out on his journey. And, like the Biblical prodigal, I did the same. Here are some of my thoughts that led me to my journey from home. Remember this is what I USED to be like...
I had the life that was to be envied. I was a fairly good-looking and smart black man. OK, the old me thought I was SMOKING HOT!! I had a gorgeous wife and beautiful kids. I was a pastor and worship leader at my church. I had a rapidly growing business. I had 2 new vehicles and the ability to afford almost anything I wanted. Everyone wanted a piece of me..."Josh, can you help me ____?" If you needed it done, you called me. Needless to say, I was VERY prideful.
This is where the beginning of the end for me. Me and my pride. The view from the pig pen is a view filled with pride. Think about it...in the story of the prodigal son, he had to actually consider eating from the pig's slop before he thought about going home.
My pride began to tell me to take more risks. It told me to it was not only OK to look at other women but to begin to actively pursue them. It told me that I was too smart to get caught. It told me that I could keep my family life and my hidden life completely separate. In short, my pride lied to me. This is not an excuse to pass the buck; it is just the truth.
Eventually my two lives collided violently and I moved out. Where was my pride then? Well, it kept lying to me. It told me that I was happier this way. It told me that I could make being a divorced father work. It told me that getting drunk and partying was the life to lead. It told me that the loneliness I felt would eventually go away...it didn't.
I found myself alone more nights than I wanted. I was constantly looking for more stuff to do or more places to be in order to numb the loneliness. But, even that wouldn't numb the pain. I was too prideful to admit it though. If I admitted that my life was no good the way I was living it would mean that I was wrong. Pride does not let you be wrong. So, pride pushed me to go further and further from what I knew was right.
One of the biggest moments in my journey home, and most humbling, was when I had to call Serena and ask to come home. It was my first realization that pride was not my friend. My pride was keeping me from the life that God desired for me to live. My pride was standing between me and my destiny. This was the beginning of the end of prideful Josh; humble Josh was still in the process of being made.
Pride is a false foundation that degrades everything that is built upon it. Before anything can happen in the way of restoration and reconciliation, the pride has to go. So, your prayer for your prodigal spouse needs to be one that will beseech God to break through their pride. The answer that comes back may be ugly and hard to bear but will bring about the God-desired response- a heart completely humbled and fully surrendered to the King. You may not like how He brings about that heart change; do not allow your own reactions and attitudes to get in the way of what God is doing in your spouse. Trust that He knows what He is doing.
Just a little glimpse into what a redeemed prodigal saw and now recognizes from the pig pen...
Josh
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