Living Single

How do you carry yourself in public?  I mean, if someone were to see you would they think, "They are SOOOO married!!" or would they be likely to hit on you because they think you are single?

Recently, I (Josh) saw someone we know that IS married but acts and carries themselves as if they were single.  I asked Serena, "They act single, don't they?"  I felt very sad because they have not fully committed to their marriage.  It seemed as though they regret their marriage and would rather go back to the life they had as a single person.

By acting single, I mean VERY RARELY being seen in public with your spouse.  I mean not wearing your rings (this goes out to both MEN and WOMEN).  I mean surrounding yourself with, almost exclusively, other singles.  This is not to say that you cannot be seen without your spouse, or that there is never a reason to take off you ring, or that you cannot have single friends.  But, when things like this become the rule rather than the exception, you will begin to see signs of trouble and distress.  Well, YOU may not but others will.

If you are married, that is, if you have made a vow and have committed your life to your spouse in word in has to be followed through in deed.  You cannot become married, act single and hope to have a blissful marital experience.  It just won't happen.

Being married and acting single would be like getting the career you have wanted and then spending your time promoting a competitors business.  In the business world it's called a "conflict of interests."  You would not keep your ideal career for very long with that kind of mentality.  You won't keep a marriage strong for very long with that kind of mentality.

When we are apart, Serena and I still act married; which means we do not allow ourselves to be caught alone with the opposite sex.  It means that, although, we speak to others we do not put forth effort into making the conversation linger and drag on longer than is appropriate.  It means if you see one of us, the other is somewhere close.  We are no longer TWO but ONE flesh; which would mean that even when we are apart, we are STILL one!!

When you were single you had the freedom to go and do as you please, for the most part.  You can buy what you want without having to consult anyone.  You set the pace of your life.  You are single.  But, when you get married, life changes.  You can't just come and go as you please with no accountability.  You can't buy whatever you want.  You set the pace of your life WITH your spouse.  This is not to say that you have restrictions and life becomes a drag.  I (Josh) am having more fun being married than I EVER did single or when I chose to act single.  When you become married, your experiences and joy and magnitude of life becomes magnified exponentially.  Life is good single but GREAT married!!

So, reader, if you are single enjoy your singleness.  But, if you are married, commit to you marriage and stop acting like you are single.

Josh and Serena

Testimony Time

Well, friends, it's testimony time!  Yesterday was our anniversary...12 years to be exact.  And, oh, what a ride it has been!

We have seen some good times and bad times. We've been through a living hell and have come out to now be living in the peace of God.  We were thrown into a fiery furnace with no residual effects...we don't even smell like smoke.  And, through it all we have seen God's hand in our life.

12 years...3 miscarriages...5 children (6 very soon!)...3 cross-country moves...5 affairs...1 standing spouse...1 prodigal spouse....and 1 eternally faithful God!!

He walked the road that we walked.  He pushed us and strengthened us when we didn't want to go on.  He carried us when we would have fallen.  He crushed us and broke our wills so that He could be glorified in the restoration and healing of us as individuals and as a couple.  It is to Him that all glory and honor is due.  It is for Him that we now live our lives.  Anything that we are and everything that we are able to do is by His grace alone!

This is our testimony.  We are where we are today by the saving grace of Christ.  We will be who we are tomorrow because of His faithfulness and new mercies.  No longer are we two individuals striving to make a marriage work.  We are now one body, joined together and united with Christ, flowing in the beautiful dance of a marriage that only the Father could choreograph.

And this can be your testimony, too.

Standing stronger than ever....

Josh and Serena

For Your Eyes Only

Do you make your spouse read?  Do you point out what they SHOULD be doing? Do you read lines out of books to help make them see YOUR side?  Do you highlight when you read a marriage book, with the idea that maybe they will see what YOU see as important? 


Marriages in crisis do NOT need two people to fix.  Yeah, we know that is NOT what you have been told.   It is possible to be done with only ONE spouse willing to work on the marriage. Eventually, with God's help, we believe that you will eventually be on the same page. BUT that doesn't mean after one month of putting things into practice all of your new-found information will fix everything and you will both be back in the honeymoon stage. 


Your spouse does NOT need you pointing out what they should be doing to make things better.  They do NOT need to read this blog in order to help them.  If you are reading this blog, then it's meant for YOU!  Praying with your spouse, fasting with your spouse, devotions with your spouse, love and respect of your spouse, needs of your spouse....those are ALL good, but the things you learn are meant for YOU. 


I (Serena) have read countless marriage books; honestly, I thought if I could get Josh to read even ONE book--MAYBE we would be on the same page!?!?!  Do you not realize that this is SUCH a lie--in order to cause more tension?  Josh has still yet to read even a fraction of the books I have read, but he is an amazing husband!!! How can that be?  If we haven't stressed it enough....let's say it again. GOD is the ultimate teacher--not YOU! 


We can always learn new things from things we read, but maybe those things were meant for ONLY you. We all learn at different speeds and in different ways.  It's not in your job description to make sure your spouse knows all of the things YOU know.  If there is something lacking, take it to God.  Cry out and ask HIM to reveal what need to be revealed.  Allow Him to work on your heart and see if it's your own selfishness or could it be that your spouse DOES need to learn something.  God has continued to amaze us in how HE can be the ultimate teacher.  And, no, that doesn't mean you should insist that your spouse read their Bible every day in order to hear God's voice on what YOU have been praying about. 


Being out in the world Josh was NOT reading his Bible at all....so, HOW did God speak?!?!  We assume we have it all figured out, but we have no idea how BIG our God is.  What is He capable of using?  Do you want to limit His resources to using only you?  Oh, yes, he can USE you, but is that His best?  Countless times in the last few years we have seen God use other people and things to put us on the right course.  It really works so much better than us putting our HUMAN limits on a BIG God. 

We have placed so many limits on God that His Spirit has no room to even move.  In reality, God's Spirit could depart from our midst and we wouldn't notice any difference. With today's resources through books, music, tapes, computers, we can really do an impressive job without God's help.  "Do it MY way" ....that's the motto.  It's very easy for highly motivated, gifted, and successful leaders to run ahead of God.

Don't misunderstand us, we are not against any of the ways God will use.....we DO have a blog, afterall. But without God's blessing we labor in vain. Our pastor even pointed out a few weeks ago how we can have everything in perfect place and appear to look right, but God is not really invited to make His presence known. We have been in small groups where there was no technology and no music but where there was an overwhelming sense of God's presence. It's not about what WE think is right, but have we truly asked God to speak to us--and invite HIM to do the work of changing hearts? 

When Balaam was about to use his God-given gift and calling for the wrong reason with the wrong motive, God had to use a donkey to stop him dead in his tracks. Read the story in Numbers 22. It's fascinating. Imagine the shock when Balaam's donkey spoke to him. In today's world we think it needs to be some book, blog, or TV program that will catch our spouse's attention--or maybe they will listen to our nagging SOON ENOUGH.  Do you want that?  Or do you want to shut your mouth and let the DONKEY do the talking?  Which do you think will make the BIGGER impact?  Do you want to be known as Balaam's donkey or would it be easier to let GOD decide?

God may have to use a few "donkeys" today to get his people to hear and see what is happening.  BUT maybe we should let God decide who He is going to use, and we will stick to praying that God do it....however HE wants.  If God's is going to use US as "donkeys" we want to make sure that is EXACTLY what He wanted.  Balaam's donkey was probably never an "ordinary" donkey after that encounter. 


Josh and Serena

His Needs, Her Needs

Yesterday, as we were talking about our unmet needs, it made us realize a point of contention that happens quite frequently between husbands and wives.  It has the potential to be a huge issue between spouses.  The issue is the needs of men and women; men need sex, women need conversation from the heart.  We know that this is pretty general and that there are exceptions but the resolution to the problem remains the same.

The reason that the "sex vs. conversation" issue is a constant problem for most married couples is that we don't understand each other.  It has been this way since all of us were small children.  Remember back to younger days with us...

Boys tend to climb trees, play with frogs, find ways to "kill" each other with sandwiches bitten into the shape of guns, and laugh when our friends get hurt.  That is just the way boys are!  That is how we learn to socialize and resolve conflicts with our other boy friends.  Girls, on the other hand, learn to socialize by playing with dolls, pretending to cook, play dress up, and have slumber parties where they stay up half the night and dream about their future wedding day.

We are different at our very core.  When a boy starts to like a girl, he doesn't endeavor to show it to her in sophisticated means.  He doesn't write poetry or adore her in song.  He doesn't do the things that would make her swoon.  How does a boy in grade school start to show his interest in the girl that sits in front of him?  He pulls her hair!  How ignorant, and yet, somehow normal for a boy.

Boys, as the turn into men, don't usually stop this kind of behavior.  It's no longer hair pulling but has now turned into more masculine displays but still ignorant.  You see, boys don't understand that women don't get turned on all that much with the overtly masculine displays that he thinks should do the trick.  What the boy needs to learn in order to woo the women that he cares for is to use his words and his brain.

Girls, as the begin to become interested in boys, began fantasizing about life with that boy.  Things like writing out their name with his last name, what the wedding will be like, where they will live, etc.  Often too shy to make the approach to the one that they are attracted to, they use their mind and emotions to become connected to their boy.  And girls, as they become women, continue this behavior only with more details thrown in.  They dream that their man will come in on a white horse with shining armor, whose mouth delivers words of affirmation and love with the sweetness of honey.

All of this is fine and good for children but for married couples this becomes a problem.  After the honeymoon, here is what happens...

He comes to expect her to be ready for a romp in the hay at moment's notice.  Why?  Because he, being the awesome working man that he is, just arrived home from battlefield of work where he fought for his daily bread.  On his way home, he is thinking, "She should be so grateful because I work so hard that I will bet money that she is bed waiting for me to walk, triumphantly, through the door!"

Problem is that she is not and has actually had a doozy of day juggling kid's, household work, and her morning sickness.  She wants nothing more than for her husband to walk in the door, swoop her up in his arms, and ask, "Dear, how was your day?" with nothing but absolute care and compassion in his voice.  He proceeds to listen intently and asks provoking and carefully thought questions about what has been going on a Jr's preschool and how she is feeling now that she is past her first trimester.

Problem is that he doesn't and is totally confused as he walks into the house and finds reality and his ideal world look nothing alike.  She is just as confused as to why he is so distant and cold to her.  It's bit exaggerated but you get the idea...

The husband's need for a physical connection (sex) and the wife's need for an emotional connection (conversation) are basically the same.  They are inherent to each one's core make-up.  Both needs are vital to their feelings of success.  When a husband is satisfied emotionally, he is more prone to chat it up and care about his wife.  When the wife is genuinely cared for and allowed the time and room to bare her soul, she is more ready to bare her body to her husband.

Here is where the breakdown between husbands and wives becomes ugly.  The husband thinks, "Since she won't put out for me, I will play the emotional terrorist, tune her out, and not talk to her!"  The wife thinks, "Since he won't care about me and my day, I will hide my beauty and the body that he wants like it's Area 51!"  It's THE single most ugly cycle that married couples find themselves.  All because they don't understand each other.

Here is the solution for those that want to stop the cycle.  Husbands, even though you want nothing more than to find her standing at the door begging for you, take the extra time to forsake your needs and talk to your wife.  Ask about her day, what she has been thinking about, what her and the Lord have been talking about, etc.  If you will genuinely do this with purpose and passion, it will not be long before you won't be able to keep up with her!  Wives, you may have had the longest day in the history of womanhood and only want to unload on your husband about your trials, but recognize that as bad as you want to talk he wants to be with you physically just as bad.  Take care of your husband and soon he will begin to talk YOUR ear off!

Your needs are the same only manifested differently.  When you begin to understand that your spouse wants to connect with you in their own way as much as you want to in your own way, you can learn to meet the needs of your spouse out of compassion.  Withholding what your spouse wants is cruel and unusual...would you want your needs withheld from you?  Make the sacrifice and do for your spouse first.

Luke 6:31

Do to others as you would like them to do to you.

Josh and Serena

Unmet Needs

If you are listening you will hear most stay-at-home mommies complain about not having enough adult conversation in their day.  For some odd reason they don't enjoy and relish their in depth conversations with 2 and 3 year olds.  Strange....

A common complaint coming from the camp of men is that they don't get enough sex.  Even if they are getting it 3+ days a week...it's not enough.  Is it ever?  (HAHAHAHA)

The point is not about women not having enough conversation or men not getting enough sex.  The point is that all of us have needs that sometime, or maybe all too often, go unmet.  For us to make this grounds for divorce or separation is ludicrous!  If we believe that another imperfect human being can somehow fulfill all of our needs, we are believing a lie.

You are imperfect; your spouse is imperfect.  We get mad and irritated when that other imperfect person in our life does not meet all of our own imperfect needs.  If you, as the more sexually-charged member of your marriage, become mad that you are not getting enough sex maybe you should ask if you are giving the other what they are needing.  Or if you are mad because they want more frisky behavior and all you want is some more adult conversation, ask yourself are you giving it up first?  Sounds a bit hypocritical, huh?

If we are honest with ourselves we will have to admit that we have dismissed our spouses needs only to push for the fulfillment of our own.  Not only hypocritical....how selfish of us!  And we (Josh and Serena) are no exceptions.  We have done this over and over again.  Not as often but still it can be an issue.

However, life is all about cycles.  Cycles of sin, of depression, of success, of increase...cycles are present all around us.  Women have a monthly cycle that men learn early on to give a wide berth to.  Men have them too!  It sometimes takes women...and men...to learn the guy's cycle.  But, I digress...

Cycles...we all have them.  If you can honestly look at your life and the cycle of your marriage, you will see that their are times when you get all the sex you can handle, men, and you get all the conversation you bring forth, women.  It's not about actually having a need that is unmet.  It's about not having the need met when you demand it.  That is what makes us most angry.

But, all of this is beside the point.  Here is what the Word of God says about it...

Philippians 4:19

And my God will meet all your needs

according to the riches of his glory in Christ Jesus.



Often we hear this preached and taught that this is in reference to the material, financial, and tangible needs that we have.  Why do we limit the ability and resources of God?  If His Word says that He will meet ALL of our needs, doesn't He mean ALL of our needs?  Not only the monetary and material but also the emotional, spiritual, and....yes, sexual needs.  It may seem weird to think about God being able to meet our sexual needs but the Creator made our bodies; I think He has knowledge sufficient to know how to satisfy or suppress those needs.

If your need is for more in depth, heart-felt communication and you are unable at this time to get it from your spouse, talk to God.  He is a great listener but He also has more than enough to say that it will far exceed the fulfillment of your need.  If you need more of the physical type of love (sex), look to God.  He will be able to quench that longing in your physical body by giving you more to deal with in the spiritual realm that you will forget about that minor need.

Whatever you need, God's got it.  He's ready to give it to you...just ask.

Josh and Serena

Default Settings

Do you know what your default settings are?  That is, what are your reactions or behaviors based on your instincts or experiences?  If not, you need to find out what they are.In the world of computers, the default settings are what you use to reset when things have become messed up and you need to start over with restored settings.  In a marriage though the wrong defaults can cause serious harm and permanent damage (intentional or unintentional) if left unchecked.

When you get into an argument with your spouse and they are not seeming to get your point, what do you do?  Raise your voice...to the point of screaming?  Do you tear of the emotional scab to reveal a festering wound in the life of your spouse?  Do you criticize or cut them down?  Or maybe none of these hit home-maybe you just check out...you know, turn off the volume to their voice in your ears?  Do you leave the house...practicing the leaving of your spouse?  Do you throw things?  Break stuff?  Or do you use artificial stimulants (alcohol or drugs-Rx or illegal) to help you cope with the situation?  Maybe you just accept the blame for the fight and sweep it under the rug and make it go away (This can be just as bad as any of the others).  This is not an all inclusive list.  We think you get the idea...you can fill in your own default setting.

Here's the point-if you have destructive defaults they are just that....DESTRUCTIVE!!  They don't help the situation; they only make it worse.  They don't build up; they only tear down.  When we resort to our destructive defaults we are never able to establish a foundation upon which good things can be built.

As you read this the Holy Spirit is already revealing things to you about the way you react to your spouse.  You might be asking yourself how they got there in the first place.  They may have taken root in your life when you were young.  You may have seen your parents or other people present in your life at an impressionable age do those thing and they instilled them in you.  Maybe those destructive defaults came from your own undisciplined life and habits.  They may have come from something that gave you comfort at a very difficult time in your life.

For me (Josh) one of the my destructive defaults is (was) mentally checking out...to the point of sleeping.  Whenever I get stressed or agitated, I want to sleep.  I sleep great anyways, without having stress in my life.  I can pretty much sleep anywhere...quickly!!  But, when I sleep I don't have to deal with the reality or gravity of the situation.  It is so much easier to check out and take a nap than it is deal with Serena and the situation at hand.  It is not a good default but it is something that I endeavor to change.  It was so bad that when we were in the hospital having our first child I slept through Serena's water breaking, nurses checking in, and most of 24 hours of steadily increasing, Pitoccin-induced contractions.  I know, I know....BAD DEFAULT!!  (But, humorous to look back on now!)

For me (Serena) one of my biggest destructive defaults is the desire to leave the situation...to the point of driving away without telling Josh.  It is something that I have put a MAJOR stop to but, I must admit, that the desire has yet to leave.  Now, fortunately, Josh and I get into so few BIG fights that it's really not an issue.  Still, it is something that is destructive to the foundation of our marriage.  I was the one that stood for Josh and our marriage and the devil would want to use my desire to leave (for some alone time) to speak lies to Josh that I am not coming back.

Whatever reason you have those distinct defaults, it is not acceptable to keep them.  Not if you are desiring to improve or save your marriage, that is.  You must identify them and then replace them with new defaults.  New, CONSTRUCTIVE settings that you put in place of the old, destructive ones.  This will not be easy but it is possible.

Constructive default settings look like this- praying for your spouse when you would rather tell them off, serving them when they are undeserving, humbling yourself and remaining quiet when you have words that are unkind, showing love even when it hurts, choosing never to believe that evil reports that the enemy would speak against your spouse, building them up when they have torn you down.  Again, the Holy Spirit is speaking to you now about what you can do to replace the old with the new.  Listen to Him and then obey.

Like we said, this will not be easy.  It will go against your seemingly natural, knee-jerk reactions.  But, with time and practice these new defaults will become your own.  These new defaults will speak volumes to your spouse.  Often times when we argue with our spouse, each of us will be enabling our destructive defaults.  And, we wind up in the same place each time...NOWHERE!!  However, if you are able to change your defaults, you will force (ever so gently, of course) your spouse to respond differently.

Don't let destructive defaults run your marriage.  Change them and let your defaults become Christ-honoring and watch your marriage blossom.

Josh and Serena

“I have a headache"

Excuses for not doing what God commands has gotten out of control....and a lot better reasons for not having sex. This is so sad, as each time a spouse comes together in this way--it's a picture of Christ. 

Satan wants to destroy this aspect of your married life first and foremost, as it represents the love of Christ for His people.  If we could encourage those of you right now who keep coming up with reasons why you can't have sex to stop it...THIS is what it would look like....so keep reading.  Looking at some of our excuses MIGHT just help us see how Satan will use anything and everything to keep a husband and wife apart. 

Getting out of sex has long been a running joke – and reality – of long-term relationships. The typical scenario depicts the man getting turned down time and time again. But it seems the joke has gotten old, at least in OUR minds.  In fact, it has gotten so bad that both spouses turn each other down, not just the woman.

For both genders, “I’m too tired” is the most common cop-out. Others that we ourselves have used or have heard others use were:

— I’m not in the mood.

— I’ve got to get up early in the morning.

— I’m preoccupied with work.

— I’m angry with you.

— I can hear one of the children.

— You need a shower.

— I’ve got a bad back.

__I could get pregnant.
__I have to cook dinner.
__I just put lipstick on.

Oh, and there are more......LOTS more!!!

No matter what the reason, all sorts of reactions come when people use excuses for getting out of sex. Of course, if somebody doesn’t want to have sex, they shouldn’t be forced or pressured into having sex. “No” means “no”; however, far too many people are using NO as an excuse far too often. If you find yourself regularly avoiding sexual intimacy, there are situations where excuses are downright lame, if not insulting to your spouse. We have heard so many stories in the last 12 years of couples having sex once ever 6 months?!?!  What?!?  No, this is NOT acceptable.  This is dangerous ground.  During our separation, God did  AMAZING things in Serena's heart, even when Josh was being absolutely WICKED. GOD can keep your heart soft, and you can love with a love that you could not have imagined. 

Sex excuses that deserve a thumbs down include, but not limited to.....(compiled from a list found online)

You’re too exhausted to have sex. And yes, there are days when you’re too exhausted. At the same time, sex can be wonderfully energizing or give you an amazing night of sleep, which is ultimately restorative, so start thinking about these things when you continue to turn your spouse down. (you might be avoiding a night of delicious, sweet sleep)  

You’ve got things to do. Guess what? We all do. And all of that stuff will be there for you to do tomorrow. Yes, it’s hard to get in a sexy state of mind when you’re preoccupied with a to-do list. But consider the stress relief that’s to be had....yes, we ARE gonna be THAT bold.  Studies have shown that having sex more reduces stress. Can you imagine how special your spouse will feel if you put your "plans" aside for them? 

You’re on a sexual hiatus till the economy improves. Yes, can you believe this is one we have read? The recession is being blamed for wreaking havoc on sex lives! Sure, bad news doesn’t exactly breed sexual desire. If this is an excuse for you...start tuning out the media and turn on your partner. It might take effort at first. Financial worries ARE a big concern in marriages today, but there’s no better excuse for taking care of each other than times of hardship. In that shared moment of intimacy the worries can be forgotten.

You've got a headache.  Do you realize that an orgasm is a great pain reliever?  No, I am NOT kidding. A South Illinois School Of Medicine study on 52 migraine sufferers reported that 16 experienced considerable relief after an orgasm and another eight had their headaches completely gone. No reason now to say, "Not tonight honey, I'm having a headache."  According to modern research there are many health benefits to having sex. However, we believe those benefits are only evident when sex is exercised within the confines of a marriage covenant.  More reasons?

You’ve already settled down for sleep. Yes, we get you don't REALLY want to be interrupted, but are you being selfish?  With your body totally relaxed, consider this the best time for your sexual response. You’re likelier to be more responsive to touch. So take out your retainer (have you watched Date Night?)...and stop with the excuses. 

You’re not feeling beautiful. We all have those days when we’re not feeling gorgeous.  Turning down sex with your spouse because you have a negative body image you are passing up opportunities for letting yourself be loved. If your spouse desires you, they like your look. Let them love you--stop being so selfish. 

You haven’t shaved. (had to share this one...as I (Serena) have definitely used this one when I haven't shaved my legs) Humans have body hair. (Gasp!) And when they’re in the mood, most can overlook that you’re sporting your natural look. If you can't...then MAKE SURE YOU ARE SHAVED.   

Honest or not, at the end of the day, sex excuses hurt your partner. It’s painful to get routinely rejected, especially when you take a hard look at reasons that can be adequately dealt with if you really evaluate your motives.  To regularly be turned down because you are too tense, had an argument with your boss, too cold or hot, couldn’t tear yourself away from a terrific movie, and any others you might use can really only cause harm and a distance in your relationship. 

When we have discussed our sexual life, we sometimes realize that we have developed bad habits in excusing ourselves from one of the most important aspects to a fulfilling marriage.  Yes, we said it....but somebody has to....Satan sure knows it...so don't let him WIN this area.   

If the last few months you have read our posts and compared your spouse to the things we talk about and get negative about how they are not "meeting your standards" and you get bent out of shape.....has it affected your intimacy???  We want to make sure that your eyes are OPEN to the attacks of Satan...THIS COMPARING your spouse to what YOU believe is right can lead to some VERY destructive habits.  Your intimacy with your spouse should be based in LOVING them...remember what love is???  God has called you to fulfill your spouses sexual needs--NO ONE ELSE, so stop coming up with excuses. 

Be ready to satisfy your spouse sexually when they need it, if it’s not convenient for you, tell him/her in a very polite and loving way. For women especially, if a man wants sex and doesn’t get it, here is what will happen: his bodily passions will build up and your refusal will feel like punishment.  By doing this you are putting him in a very vulnerable position to look for it elsewhere and I tell you........you do NOT want your spouse to start this lifestyle. Be their protection.  AND be obedient to the commands given in God's Word. 

1 Corinthians 7:2-5 (The Message)

Certainly—but only within a certain context. It's good for a man to have a wife, and for a woman to have a husband. Sexual drives are strong, but marriage is strong enough to contain them and provide for a balanced and fulfilling sexual life in a world of sexual disorder. The marriage bed must be a place of mutuality—the husband seeking to satisfy his wife, the wife seeking to satisfy her husband. Marriage is not a place to "stand up for your rights." Marriage is a decision to serve the other, whether in bed or out. Abstaining from sex is permissible for a period of time if you both agree to it, and if it's for the purposes of prayer and fasting—but only for such times. Then come back together again. Satan has an ingenious way of tempting us when we least expect it. I'm not, understand, commanding these periods of abstinence—only providing my best counsel if you should choose them.

Josh and Serena

Second Place

Their is a common misconception that marriage is to find a soul mate, to find someone that makes you a better person, to find someone to "complete you!"  Hey, even HOLLYWOOD says it...and we know "they" tell the truth about EVERYTHING! (insert sarcasm)

Without sounding too harsh, the problem with looking to another human to complete us is that, spiritually speaking, it's idolatry. We are to find our fulfillment and purpose in God . . .

God designed marriage to provide: partnership, spiritual intimacy and the ability to pursue God — together.

Satan is going to do whatever he can to make it so that THOSE things are going to be VERY difficult to accomplish.  So, what do you have a hard time with...any of these?  I certainly do!  As Josh and I learn more how to accomplish these things we pray that God gives us the practical advice and words to share.

If we put out spouse in a place that they need to be our "all" we are setting them up for failure.  No one can meet those expectations.  Our spouse can help move us into a good direction--my husband has done it many times--BUT we must not put them in a place above God.  God should be FIRST place.  Our spouse should take SECOND.

Everyone has bad days, yells at his or her spouse, or is downright selfish. Josh mentioned already about how our spouse can immediately change our outlook on life. Completely selfish turns into HAVING someone else to consider.  Living this way is not impossible, but it IS a challenge.  We cannot be selfish. 

We must realize God created marriage as a mirror of God's covenant relationship--you can see this throughout the Bible. For instance, Jesus refers to Himself as the bridegroom and to the kingdom of heaven as a wedding banquet.

These points demonstrate that God's purposes for marriage extend far beyond personal happiness. It is great to be happy, but you must realize that it is NOT the number one goal of  marriage.  Marriage promotes something of much higher value. Grasping this concept can bring you through some tough times. Our emotions are very fickle, and as we seek God as FIRST place we gain happiness from pleasing HIM.  Our happiness comes from pleasing our Heavenly Father. When we please Him our hearts will be soft, and in turn, we will find happiness in things we did not expect. Making God first will allow our marriages to fall in line with His will.  And, guess what?  Your spouse will NOT mind being second...he/she will LOVE it.

Our marriages need to point to our Heavenly Father and His existence.

He Only Cares About You!

When you read my posts you have to understand that I don't really have a desire to share the brutally honest truth of the matter. It's not because I don't want to help where I can; I do want to help you. I don't want to share because it makes me do a whole lot of introspection and looking back to a dark time in my life. I hate looking back to that time!! But, by me looking back and then sharing my testimony, I strip the enemy of any ammunition (guilt, condemnation, depression, and regret) that he would seek to arm himself with against me and my family. So, I share this for selfish reasons; I want to continue to walk in the victory that my Jesus has bestowed upon me. The blood of the Lamb and my testimony make for a deadly combination to the enemy! (Rev. 12:11)

When I came home, I knew there was a lot of work that needed to be done. I did not know if I was up for it. I knew going back home was going to be a tearful, gut-wrenching, grit-your-teeth-to-make-it-through type of journey. To be perfectly honest, I was not home because I wanted to be. I came home because I didn't know what else to do.

I came home because I couldn't do this to my wife and kids anymore. The hurt that I inflicted everyday by my being gone was not fair. In my mind, I reasoned that I would give it another try...even if it meant that I was unhappy in doing it. I figured that I was man enough to deal with some unhappiness if it meant my family would be in a better place.

(This, by the way, is a flawed sense of morals, priorities, and responsibilities. I will address this in a minute.)

It's interesting though that, for immature and weak people, God does not care your reasons for why we do something, He only cares about who we are. He does not care if it is because out of simple but defiant obedience or because of our love for Him. He does not care if we accept His Son to escape hell fire or because we desperately want to serve Him. For those of us that are weak, He does not care; He can address the reasons for 'why' at a later date. And He did for me!

In the Scripture, we find Jesus calling to Himself a fisherman named Peter. Peter was an odd bird to put it mildly. One minute he is professing his undying devotion to Jesus, the next he is busy denying Him. Although having walked with Jesus for 3 years, he still pulls his sword in defense of the Messiah. When Jesus speaks of His eventual betrayal and death, Peter rebukes Jesus. And yet this same Peter is the one that preaches the first sermon after the Holy Spirit came into the upper room. This Peter was the same one that when he found himself sentenced to crucifixion at the end of his life asks to be crucified upside-down rather than dishonor the way in which His Master died. This Peter was a key leader in the establishment of the early church. God does not care about the 'why'; He cares about the 'who'.

Hey, Stander....He doesn't care about why you are standing. He doesn't care if you hate the idea of it but do it anyway. His only care is about you. You are the 'who' He cares about. You are the reason why!

Hey, Prodigal....He doesn't care about why you left. He doesn't care about why you are coming home. He doesn't care about the condition in which you return. His only care is for you. He only cares about you. He can deal with the junk you carry later. Right now, He wants to put a new robe on your back, a new ring on your finger, and new sandals on your feet. He wants to kill the fatted calf at your return. And, right now...at this very moment, He is running to embrace you! He only cares about you!

As I said earlier, when I came home I didn't want to be there. But God, in His infinite supply of love and grace, began to gently and firmly change my heart. It took some time but I eventually wanted to be there with my wife. I wanted my marriage to work. I was ready for the pain that I had to face in order to facilitate healing. I was ready to work and to fight. My 'why' had changed.

I had thought that I was man enough to do it on my own. Like I said...that is flawed reasoning. I would be able to make my stand for a time but I could only do so much in my own strength. As long as I was the 'why' I would fall again. I would be able to do everything in the physical. But, in case you are just learning this....standing for your marriage is not a physical fight. It is a fight that you cannot see with your natural eyes.

My 'why' became Jesus! Jesus became more than just the motivating factor for lasting change; He must become the foundation! He is the only One that can do it. If you are the only reason who you are, you will only be able to maintain for so long. But if Jesus becomes your foundation for who you are, you can do more than what you are capable of.

Jesus carried the weight of sin and endured the punishment for sin for all of humanity. Over and over He was whipped and beaten for me and you. And as they were nailing Him to the cross, He cries out, "Father, forgive them! They don't know what they are doing!" That kind of power...that kind of forgiveness...that kind of love now lives inside of you.

With that power, forgiveness, and love inside of you, you will be able to endure the pain of an unfaithful spouse over and over again. You will be able to forgive in the face of hatred. You will be able to walk that road back to home and face down whatever drove you away. You will the worth in fighting for what others may say is dead and hopeless.

When Jesus is for you it does not matter the odds against you!

He only cares about you!

Josh

Calling Out to All Prodigals

I pray that today's post may shed some light on the darkness you may be facing. Whether you are the stander, may this show you how to pray for your loved one. If you are the prodigal, may you hear from someone that knows what you are going through. I'm not really sure where to start with this so I will just let it flow....

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I am a stander. But not due to the greatness of my own spirit or convictions. I stand because I was shown how to stand by my wife. In the face of seemingly insurmountable odds, my wife set her face towards God and chose to believe His Word about God, about marriage, and about me. I have since come to the same truths about God and about marriage. And more importantly, I have come to know the truth about me.

Although I am now a stander, I was a prodigal first. I guess you could call me a reformed prodigal. Or better yet...a redeemed prodigal. Yes, I am a redeemed prodigal. I am glad that I have been redeemed but many days I feel so ashamed about the past that I created. I am unworthy of the life that I now am free to live.

You see, I had all the opportunities that everyone has to be the person that I was designed to be. I also had all the opportunities to be the person that it was easier to be. And that is the person I chose to be. I didn't make the time to know God. I didn't find the time to learn who He made me to be. I didn't care about what I was giving up; I wanted to be the one in control. It was easier to be influenced by the allure of the world and its value system than to stand for righteousness and truth.

But, easy never allows for growth. Easy never causes one to rise up, to overcome, to see what waits for those that will ascend the hill of God. Easy only leads one to begin to desire the slop of the pigs. Easy paves the way that will draw you down to places you could never have imagined in your wildest nightmares. Easy makes sure that there are no bumps in the road to deter you from your destruction.

To the prodigals that may be reading this...please, hear the truth from someone that has been down that smooth, easy path. The road you are on will not bring you what you think you are missing out on. The choices you have made will not bring joy, or freedom, or the life you think you were made to live. You will wind up broken, alone, and longing for things to just go back to the way they were.

Prodigal child, running son, hiding daughter, please, please, listen to me. If you haven't yet, you will find yourself longing for things to go back to the way that they used to be. Your mind will wander thinking about what if I stayed. You left the life, marriage, and the family you had for what might have been with someone or something else. And now, what you had hoped would bring satisfaction has now left you empty and alone. I was there...I know the emptiness. I know the feeling that all is lost.

BUT IT'S NOT OVER!!

There is still hope. What was lost can be restored. Not only restored but redeemed. Everything that was lost can be bought back. Not only can it be bought back but it has been purchased. There is a man, Jesus, that took a cross to pay for all of your sin and my sin. He made it possible for all to be redeemed. All of your bad choices, all of your running, all of your infidelity, all of your unnatural desires....He paid for all of them so that you could be free from them.

Prodigal, you are not too far gone. You have not strayed so far that His love cannot reach you. You have done nothing that He cannot and will not and has not already forgiven you. You are redeemed; all you have to do is ask.

If you are reading this and need someone to simply hear you and your heart, email us. If you need someone to cry with, we are here for you. If you need someone to show you to this man, Jesus, we would love to help you with that. If no one else with fight with you to get back to the place where you know you are supposed to be, we will. We love you!!

Still standing as a redeemed prodigal,
Josh

A Daily Stance

We talk a lot about standing for your marriage. When you hear that someone is standing for their marriage, your mind immediately defaults to their marriage is failing. Not always true. Actually, standing for your marriage is an everyday practice as it is for extreme circumstances.

In Ephesians 6, it says numerous times to stand. Verse 11, "Put on all of God's armor so that you will be able to stand against all the strategies of the devil." Verse 13, "...after the battle you will still be standing firm." Verse 14, "Stand your ground..." with all the pieces of God's armor.

Do we stand only when the bottom has seemed to fall out? Do we choose to stand after the devil has run rampant through our marriage? Do we only stand after the attack happens? I am telling you now...if you wait to stand until after the onslaught happens, your path to a victorious, healthy marriage will be a harder fight. You will have victory but the work needed to establish that strong, marital defense will be a harder fight. It's easier to keep the devil out than it is to make him leave!

Within the military, there are people whose sole job is to make battle plans for situations that may arise someday. They may never have to use those plans but they have made their stand. They know that within a few moments they will be able to execute their plans for the contingency. They have learned the value of a forceful stance.

So often our reactions to adverse situations in our marriages is one of frustration, depression, denial, and a general escalation of emotions. We cannot think with a clear mind and, therefore, we react to the person standing in front if us instead of a forceful response to the spirit that is motivating that individual. Instead of reacting to the individual, we should be responding with plans that we laid out in times of peace. When the devil rears his head within our marriage let him be met with a forceful and powerful stand. Heels dug in, shields up, swords drawn, and faces set like flint ready to engage the devil. Don't let him catch you with your hands down and not ready. We know that he will attack; we just don't know when it will happen.

We should be proactive in the good times. Let us make our contingency plans in times of peace. Always standing firm and always on guard. We do not decide to make a stand after the battle has begun; we decide to stand when life is peaceable.

What does all of this mean for you and I?

It means to begin overlooking some of your pet peeves that are nothing more than your personal preferences. It means to quit freaking out when he leaves the toilet seat up. It means to stop worrying and causing grief when she is running late because she can't find anything to wear. Stop constantly nagging him about chores you would like to see done around the house. Quit speaking down to her like she is someone beneath you. It means start bringing flowers home, guys. It means start having yourself put together when he comes home from work. It means putting the kids to bed early, shutting off the TV, and just hanging out together.

Men, it means to start dating your wife again. Flirt with her like an adolescent schoolboy. Start crushing on her again. Send her love notes written in the steam on the bathroom mirror. It means reading the Word of God to her and over her. Lead her in the things of God. Bring her home treats that she likes. Call her sometime for no good reason but to hear her voice. Listen to her...no, seriously....actually listen to her and what she is saying when she is telling you about the boring, mundane stuff about her day. (That one thing alone will work wonders, bro!)

Ladies, it means give him something to chase. Let him be your hero...again. Make a big deal about him killing spiders. Become like a teenage girl when he shows off for you. Become his biggest cheerleader. When he thinks you don't know he is listening, brag about him and how strong he is. Trust and believe that he will do what he said he will do. Follow him even if you know better...and don't tell, "I told you so" when it blows up in his face. Instead, encourage him and support him in the face of failure. (If you believe in him wholeheartedly and he knows this, he will challenge the very gates of hell for you, girl!)

The point of all this is this...MAKE YOUR STAND DAILY!! If you keep the devil out today, you won't have to drive him out tomorrow. It's the marriage that God entrusted you with. Protect it, keep it, honor it, STAND FOR IT!!

Standing with you,

Josh

P.S. And, men...pick up your dirty shorts!

Permanence

So, I have  been told that I believe in marriage....."until death do us part."   Hmm, yes, I do!  I wouldn't believe so strongly, if I didn't.  Does that mean I don't love those around me who have walked a different path?  Absolutely not, I am passionate, but I am not walking around in judgement. We are responsible for what we know. Some people don't even know this stuff.  Others have no conviction about it whatsoever....I am only responsible for what God tells me to do, in sharing--thus, I share.  You are not obligated to believe what I say--search the Word for yourselves. 


What I Believe God Has To Say About Marriage -

Many people say that they know what God's Word says concerning marriage BUT their circumstances are such and such, therefore they can do such and such, all contrary to the Word of God. These comments have me wondering if these individuals really do understand what God's Word has to say about marriage, divorce and remarriage.

Given this understanding of God's laws, what does He have to say about the covenant of marriage?

"The Lord God said, 'It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.'" Genesis 2:18

As God created man for fellowship with Him, He also created woman so that the man would have a suitable companion.

"But for Adam no suitable helper was found. So the Lord God caused the man to fall into a deep sleep; and while he was sleeping, he took one of the man's ribs and closed up the place with flesh. Then the Lord God made a woman from the rib he had taken out of the man, and he brought her to the man. The man said, 'This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called "woman" for she is taken out of man.'" Genesis 2:20-23

God instituted marriage as a gift to Adam and Eve. They were made perfect for each other. Marriage was not a creation of man or any culture, but was the creation of God to bless His children. God takes marriage very seriously. The next verse states God's view concerning His wishes regarding the marriage covenant He created...

"For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh." Genesis 2:24

In the Old Testament divorce, remarriage and multiple marriages had crept into the Jewish culture. Jesus addressed this issue by saying...

"'Haven't you read,' he replied, 'that at the beginning the Creator "made them male and female,"' and said, "For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh?" So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate.'" Matthew 19:4-6

The individuals questioning Jesus where trying to trick Him into speaking against Jewish laws and customs, so they pressured Him about Moses allowing divorce...

"'Why then,' they asked, 'did Moses command that a man give his wife a certificate of divorce and send her away?'

"Jesus replied, 'Moses permitted you to divorce your wives because your hearts were hard. But it was not this way from the beginning. I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife...and marries another woman commits adultery.'" Matthew 19:7-9

In just a few sentences, Jesus reinforces God's original plan for marriage...one man, one woman, for life.
So if marriage is a permanent covenant according to God's Word, what does God have to say about divorce?

"'I hate divorce,' says the Lord God" Malachi 2:16

"By law a married woman is bound to her husband as long as he is alive, but if her husband dies, she is released from the law of marriage. So then, if she marries another man while her husband is still alive, she is called an adulteress. But if her husband dies, she is released from that law and is not an adulteress, even though she marries another man." Romans 7:2-3

So God hates divorce, only death breaks the marriage covenant and remarriage while a spouse is still alive is adultery.

In spite of clear doctrine to the contrary, divorce still happens. What does God's Word have to say concerning those that are divorced?

"To the married I give this command (not I, but the Lord): A wife must not separate from her husband. But if she does, she must remain unmarried or else be reconciled to her husband. And a husband must not divorce his wife." I Corinthians 7:10-11

God gives the divorced two choices: reconcile or remain single. The only exception allowing a person to remarry is if their spouse has died.

In closing, many say that the Lord has told them to give up on their marriages, to stop standing and often to remarry. The test to see if what you are hearing is in fact from God, check it out against His Word. God cannot contradict Himself. If what you are hearing disagrees with the commands in God's Word, it is NOT from God.

I believe Satan wants nothing better than for you to give up on your marriage. Why does he wish this? Because he knows by breaking up your family the battle is not over if, you continue to stand for your marriage. He knows that in the end, he will lose when you are standing in agreement with God for the healing of your marriage. Anything he can do to sway you away from Biblical teaching will help ensure his victory. The only way Satan can get at God is through the disobedience of His children.

Remember, that you are only defeated when you give up. Continue to fight and pray for your home. Do not be deceived by the evil one into giving up. Do not believe in the falsehood that God has someone better for you. God does have someone better for you; your one-flesh mate when He cleans them up and brings them home. I am standing in agreement with you, praying for you and your spouse. Many blessings are in store for you when you are obedient to your marriage vows and God's commands in His Word.

This was a tough one to deal with, as I have many friends and family who do NOT believe the same as I do.  I can only pray they hear my heart. Judging a person is NOT my job, thus I do not do it.  Reading things like this are what helped me NOT to give up, when it felt much easier to throw in the towel. Today makes 20 years from my own parents' divorce, so I am not insensitive to the pain.  It took a lot to post this today. My mother taught me that God hated divorce...she did a good job!