Audio Podcast

We had the honor of sharing our testimony in a phone interview with Luke Gilkerson of Covenant Eyes.  It was an amazing opportunity to share hope, and we can only pray that it will reach more people than we could have ever imagined.  May God continue to get the glory from our story. 

Romans 8:28  And we know that for those who love God, that is, for those who are called according to his purpose, all things are working together for good.

All of our past, our afflictions and trials, all the persecutions, all of the sin we were exposed to....it may feel numerous and tortureous, yet they are among the many reasons that we are WHO we are today.  God promises all of these "circumstances" will work together for good. He never said they would FEEL good. God promises they will contribute to our good. They take off our pretenses from this world; they teach us the truth about our frail, sinful and worthless condition; they lead us to look to God for support, and gain an eternal perspective. 
 
This opportuniy has allowed us to face the past, again, causing us to remain humble and very much aware of our need for Him. The only stipulation for this promise is that God promises it would work for our good....if we LOVE Him. Afflictions can turn into a blessing. To others, they often prove otherwise. As much as reflecting on the past and the pain can cause tears.  We have peace.  We desire that our testimony should accomplish their purpose--for GOOD. 

Listen here and here:

Story of Hope and Restoration--Part 68

The man I married today....is AMAZING.

He is....
     a repentant man
     a broken man
     an upright man
     a courageous man
     a humble man
     a loving man
     a selfless man

A GODLY MAN....continually dying to self.......God has taken him on a journey, and it's a GOOD READ! 

Check him out:  http://dying2self.blogspot.com/

If you read my story from the beginning you can see how I have finally received the answers to my prayers. Thank you for sticking through this with me! 

You are welcome to ask me any questions you may have; I have a desire to help you, in any way I can.

Story of Hope and Restoration--Part 67

Running towards God as hard as he did running away from Him  was still going to take some time. 

We took a trip to Colorado for a few days, in January. We wanted to make sure that it was where God wanted us to be.  We loved the church; we found a house. The job thing might take time, but we needed to GO! 

Trying to sum up the rest of our journey is so hard to do. There is so much I have left out, and I think as God moves me through writing a book--more and more may come out.  I didn't realize how bad it was for many months after Josh came home.  My mind said it was really only bad for a week, until I started reading my journals.  God carried me. He has healed so much of my heart. 

The weeks that followed Josh's return home were difficult. He continually talked about the steps for getting back in ministry, as if not much had happened?  You could tell his repentant heart was not fully there.  He was not broken. 

Levi's name, meaning...a union supported by Jehovah.  Levi was a blessing and a joy. He slept through the night at 3 months old, giving Josh and I the rest we needed, as well!  God poured His grace over our move.

Thanksgiving and Christmas were uncomfortable but a blessing beyond words.  Our family was delighted to have no major holidays without Daddy where he belonged.  3 months seemed like an eternity, but it was nothing compared to the life we were going to live. 

God continues to sustain me, and some days are worse than others.  Healing from this pain has been nothing short of miraculous.  It's been two years, and I can write this story without crumbling into a fit of tears.  It can hurt, but it doesn't hurt the same way. 

Moving to Colorado was just definitely one of the best decision of our lives.  Our hearts have been knitted together with wonderful people, to this day.  The journey of healing and reconciliation would not have been the same without them.  God brought men into Josh's life that steer him towards God, keep him accountable, and encourage growth.  Remeber, I prayed for this!

Many months of crying myself to sleep led to more and more healing.  Those first few months in Colorado were so difficult.  Josh did not have a job for 3 months; we lived on very little.  Money stress just added more problems.  Josh was ready to go get a job at a bar, this was heart-breaking.  Josh still had no boundries for himself.

Working as a bounty hunter put him in places that could NOT have been good for him, but I just spent those evenings on my knees.  Josh never felt like he was doing badly.  My spirit knew it wasn't over.  Josh was NOT okay.  I was lost as to what else I could do.

After almost a year, Josh finally agreed to counseling.  He was reluctant still, and it was hard.  I had decided to go for counseling myself, and that opened up new things.  When Josh saw this, he was ready.  Our relationship grew during those few months of counseling. Josh was able to pray and recover pieces of his heart, and give them to me.  BUT one thing that was unsettled was the REASON for the behavior, in the first place. Our counselor told Josh he needed to ask God to reveal the contents of his heart.  Josh said he did....and God wasn't answering. 

That night I got into a horrible accident, almost killing a motorcyclist.  Our Yukon was totaled, and the pieces of our life were seeming to get a bit more shattered.  Things didn't want to go...JUST right.  Josh blew up.  I got scared.  "God owed him!"  WHAT??? Oh, no!!! This was it; the anger towards God was the problem all along.  Josh still felt like God should do more for him?  He had come home; he was being good. Why did THIS have to happen?  It felt like someong had punched me in the stomach. Nothing was really fixed; I knew it. BUT to be faced with it was tough to swallow.   

My friends, those men I prayed to surround Josh came to the rescue. They spoke life into those dark places, explaining that God owed him NOTHING.  It didn't matter coming from me, but it did matter coming from his "brothers!"  God was showing Josh the contents of his heart, but Josh didn't like it. 

Almost over night I saw a difference.  The man I wanted was FINALLY home!!!  More than a YEAR after coming home, JOSH was HOME!! 

Josh agreed to have his computer monitored by Covenant Eyes, and it was a step in the right direction. Josh had not been "bad" for a long time, but unless your heart it turned towards God, it cannot last.  I can still be brought to tears when I think about God's goodness in Josh's life.

Do we still have ups and downs? Of course! Do we know what's worth fighting about? Sometimes!  Are we the same people we were 2 years ago? Not at all......

God continues to work in our situation.  Josh heard clearly from God that we needed to move back to California to continue the healing process. People and family here did not get to experience the journey in the same way we did.  They needed a glimpse, a real one, of what God had done. Josh needed to reclaim his anointing.  On February 14th, we dedicated our newest addition to the family...Shallah Rianne.  Her name means, "river of grace!"  God's grace is beyond compare.  Josh was also re-instated, as Pastor Josh.  Our journey is not over......as God leads us on the next step of our journey, we anxiously await.  Healing is a process, but it's a complete healing, if done through the Healer!

No pit is so deep that He is not deeper still. Anyone of you, if faced with some of the circumstances can allow God to heal and work through them.  God gives grace for your situation; you must allow Him to work though. You have to listen.  It's not an easy journey, but I am SO glad that I walked uprightly.  I regret nothing. 

Thank you for following me on this journey, and I would LOVE to hear from you.

Story of Hope and Restoration--Part 66

Lord, I am so scared. I have poured out my heart and man has stomped on it--my man, the one You blessed me with.  How do I deal with it?  I know you aren't a stranger to this, but I am human in my feelings.  What do I do?  Do I ignore the hurts? I guess it's not my job at all to worry about the consequences I think josh should pay.  Will I ever feel close to him, like I want?  Is this the curse of Eve?  Will marriage ever be what I dreamed it would be or what I read it could be, with only one person reading and caring about the other person. Josh says he is selfish.  Aren't we supposed to care about the other person?  What do I do, Lord? 

The year was almost over, so many things happened in my life.  February 1st is our move out day.  God was still stirring in me, new things. 

Our society has allowed "super spirits" to invade our lives, just like our "super viruses!"  Instead of turning to God and having intimacy with Him; we have used asprin to fix a major problem.  Men in leadership, especially, are being attacked.  Satan is out stronger than ever, because of the power we have given him. IN order to gain a stronghold in our lives Satan has "uped" his game, and I am mad that we are sitting back unaware. 

Why do leaders ignore the spirit realm? And if ther aren't why do they allow a little taste?  These spirits are attacking God's leaders, and they are on the prowl.

I had to make sure the church we were going to be attending in Colorado really understand the spirit realm. Did they lay back and let the devil have his way?  I wrote to the prayer pastory; I had an instant bond.  She got it! She definitely didn't sit back and let Satan have his way! I was so excited. 

I believed 2009 was the year of new beginnings, and I wanted to walk confidently and uprightly in WHO God wanted me to be.  Lord, take me to a deeper level; show me what You would have me to do. Lead me and hold me close. Protect me from things that would harm.  Make my path clear to me. I love Who You are; You will never hurt me.  No matter what I have Your unconditional love. Use me to be that for others.  Open my eyes to the traps Satan may have laid out. Help me to remember my armor. You are my friend, and I never want to lose sight of You.

Story of Hope and Restoration--Part 65

A pastor friend called to encourage me NOT to move.  She had reservations, thinking Josh was making me move.  I did not want to be blinded by my desire to move, so I asked her to continue to pray and let me know.  Praying for God to shut doors that needed to be shut became a matter of priority.  Confirmation to move started coming from more and more directions. As long as Josh wasn't pushing me to move and get me all alone, people became more calm. 

Hurts from Josh did still continue, despite making leaps and bounds.  Josh told me that anything the other woman told me was a lie because she wanted me to feel better.  They were a cute couple, and that it didn't matter what she said.  They were good for each other.  He got mad when I walked away.  How could I not walk away?  I didn't want to get angry, so he discussed with me about my bad attitude.  He told me it was hard to find something to compliment me for, and that she was wonderful enough to leave us for.  Yikes!! Would it ever stop? 

The other woman could not believe that Josh did not make me feel like the most amazing person in the world, since he did with her?  Well, no, Josh made me feel ugly, unappreciated, forgettable, useless, and sad, and unworthy.  It's a good thing I know God, because I could not have done it without him.  The lies of Satan can only be deafened by the truths of God. 

Josh decided to read Wild at Heart, and he asked if I would please read it so that I would understand him better.  Of course, I did.  But would he read Captivating to understand me better?  How did he think I felt to always feel neglected?  He didn't want to know me. 

Josh wasn't feeling any remorse, in my opinion. He said everything was fine for him.  He didn't care about the PD job; it was no big deal that he didn't get it.  (they didn't accept him because of the issues with his past, showing a lack of integrity....in his present situation)  Not playing the keyboard at our annual Christmas program was not hard at all.  What has been hard?  If none of his sin had any consequences that were hard, then what would make him not do it again?

Story of Hope and Restoration--Part 64

Giving your child a taste of alcohol in order to make them realize they don't like it?  Where do these thoughts come from? Did Josh filter all of his beliefs through God or the world? 

Struggles with family over our life together weighed on me, moving was something we felt we needed to do. BUT everyone did not agree.  I hated going against the feelings of others.  Yes, even though I could stand my ground for my marriage, some things were still very hard for me.  Not everyone was feeling good about where we were in our marriage. Understandably, of course! 

Josh's apologies were empty, but they were there. So, it was progress...to me! Hey, he wasn't still gone?

I felt so foolish at times. We were moving to another state, and I had a husband who specifically said he had no feelings for me.  I didn't understand WHY he had no feelings for me.  When did he think he would have some?  I did NOT feel foolish when it came to knowing what I was walking into. I knew that Josh's problems with women would not go away with moving, but I knew for me that healing would be easier. 

I felt I was risking it all, a risk to hurt again.  It was hard to give my hear to someone that had so easily crushed it.  My heart still hurts; I still cry, but in that, I feel!  If I stop crying and hurting it won't heal properly,  If I pretend that it's not there and deal with it, unexpectedly my heart will start to bleed because it wasn't healed properly. 

I trust God to keep me safe, but I do worry about Josh.  Settling in and feeling like he is safe. I am not so concerned about him failing I worry about the affects on the kids and if I could do it alone.

Josh and I were not spiritually in-tune; we had not been for years. I so badly wanted to pray together, do devotions together.  I didn't want to make Josh do things he knows are a good idea.  Josh knows from years of teaching that we were not spiritually close. 

Lord, as Josh and I continue to walk this road of restoration, please guide us, lead us to stay grounded in You. Point us to the things we need to address.  Increase true intimacy. I need my husband fully decoted to You, that will help him to stay focused on the task he need to accomplish to fulfill his destiny.  I ask You to do the same for me.  Keep me focused on You, not him. Keep me surrounded by Your love. 

Our move was getting closer, and I was feeling all alone.  Josh was in agreement, but otherwise I felt very alone.  We had to do this for us.

Story of Hope and Restoration--Part 63

Hosea 7:14  there is a crying in true repentance

Yearly, get-togethers for the holidays brought bitter-sweet emotions. Thinking about how Josh almost missed it, and then having to do things and keep it together and be strong. 

Who was going to see us together, that saw "them" together?  I was emotionally drained.  Josh thought about the future, but he rarely talked about fixing the damage of the past.  Josh's philosophy just included time. 

Thinking about the words he spoke sometimes escaped him, like asking me if we should keep the mattress he bought!  He thought maybe we could keep it for the kids, if I didn't want it?  For real?  We stopped fighting about these things; most of the time I would calmly give my answer, then go cry later. Many people talked about how nice I was to him, but he always argued.  He felt I made things difficult, and I complained to much.  My heart ached for some sympathy from my husband. 

Josh says he felt no guilt or shame after having sex with other woman, this was so hard for me to swallow. I am certainly glad he didn't lie, but I could not imagine.  Many things still needed a major cleansing. 

Did Josh even know what he wanted? Sometimes ministry, sometimes a farm, sometimes neighbors, sometimes he liked to do things, other times he liked home?  Which was it? 

I knew ONE thing I wanted.....I wanted him to HATE what he did out there.  I didn't hear hate; I heard a longing to return. Yes, still....over a month and it still was far from over!

He said he would fake it until he feels it; I wondered if he would ever feel it? Would I ever know? It's so hard to hear your husband say he is faking it!

Story of Hope and Restoration--Part 62

Dedication day had arrived--December 2nd. Things went well, and the blessing Josh spoke over Levi brought us all to tears.  It was different than any of us had imagined only a month ago. 

If fears creep in and I react, it's still bad. Josh felt I just looked for something to be wrong.  Why didn't he just leave me at the place where things DID seem all wrong.  When he gets mad that I don't believe him, why didn't he realize I didn't believe him?

I wanted him to find God on a whole new level, and I didn't want him making changes just for me. 

Changes were gradual, but I thanked God for everyone.  Pride was broken down little by little, day by day. When I got discouraged I would remind myself of those little things.  God cleansed him as Josh allowed God to come in to every area. 

On the same day that he had a breakthrough, though, Satan always turned the heat up on me.  I never got his full attention, and it still hurt.  He still talked about how hard it was not to call her, and this was after a month.  He talked about the good times he had with her, and he never talked about our good times. He spoke with admiration and apreciation for who she was.  We didn't go out and have fun as much as I would have hoped, but I just had to take each day. I sometimes wanted to run away. BUT thanking God for what he was doing kept me going.

Story of Hope and Restoration--Part 61

Encouraging the children that Daddy wouldn't go anywhere was a daily thing. Yes, they asked every day. My heart would break.  Many times I would stay silent, keeping my feelings to myself.  Josh would get so upset, but I could NOT fight in front of the children. I didn't want them to have fear that daddy would leave again.  Wanting Josh to go the extra mile seemed like it should be realistic, but it was not going to be...for now!

Pleasing my husband seemed like a never ending story.  There wasn't anything special about me; I was supposed to the only one. I wasn't.  Josh's desires were still so perverted, so I could NOT even begin to talk about them.  Wondering if things would ever go to right or if in situations like this you just learn a new normal.  At this point, Josh just wanted to pretend it never happened.  People talking to him about it made him mad. Hugs from friends only irritated.  Apologies seemed empty. 

I prayed that when Josh found his own heart he would care about mine.  Josh spent a lot of time copying what others said, talking about how he didn't have his whole heart.  Logic would drive me crazy. If he gave me his whole heart for the past 8 years, like he said...then how could he NOW say he didn't have his whole heart?  AND if you divide you heart and intentions among things and people....how does it work?  Over the years Josh had done so much, if God wasn't always the center there is no way you can handle it all. 

Lord, help my unbelief, my unbelief that that Josh is not for real.  I feel discouraged and upset because of all the lives affected by this.  Everything is words, and I have to believe my prayers are continuing to work. 

Selling the business became top priority.  Moving was becoming more of a reality, and we couldn't wait to make the next step in our journey together.  Doing it together brought us together. 

Josh and I bought the Wii for our Christmas present; it was a great idea. It helped us laugh together and play together and not focus on negative things. 

Writing a song for Levi's dedication also became one of our main focuses.  Looking for things to do that wouldn't be a constant reminder of the past really helped move us along.

Story of Hope and Restoration--Part 60

Making a decision on what to do for the future started to cause a bit of stress. We had to do something. We needed healing. Should we sell the landscaping business? When we move, should we sell everything? Do we have money to move? Can Josh get work? Agreeing on where to move wasn't really a stress.  God was moving us to Colorado, and we were never more in agreement or at peace. 

My feelings for Josh were still so distant, and we had to do something. For the kid's sake and his own soul, I was so happy. But my heart still hurt so deeply. Josh was often uncaring. He took off early on Fridays to take the other woman to lunch, when he came home....he never gave it a second thought. 

I had my heart ripped out, and the work was landing on me. Pursuing Josh, to keep the relationship alive.  Josh was still talking about how his feelings for me were not the same, and he needed God to help him feel for me?  Wow, well, that was tough.  It didn't bother him that my feelings towards him were not the same. 

If he feels good about himself, then he won't be tempted to cheat again?  Am I unrealistic to want my husband to want me and need me because I am the best, not because of who he was stuck with or that he had no other choice.  I am the right choice, not one he is even extremely happy about. The lies of Satan were still coming.  When I said it was only one week...I guess I was wrong.  Josh did not adore me, and there was a huge part of me that really wanted him to realize that he should at least try for the amount of time he was away?

Story of Hope and Restoration--Part 59

Protecting my own heart started to become an issue. I reconnected with an old friend, and he was very generous in his compliments to me. It felt so good, but I knew it wasn't right. Nothing bad had happened, but the attention scared me. Josh, of course, said he didn't worry.  Wow, when was I going to have a husband who cared about protecting me?  I had to keep protecting myself, for now. Josh certainly wasn't worried.  He said he never thinks I would have a problem.  Well, I believe ANYone can have a problem, if in the wrong place and the wrong time.....or the right place at the right time?  If you do not guard your heart, you are NOT immune.  If you think you are, you are lying to yourself. 

I really wanted to have my fit. I didn't want to do this, in the flesh.  BUT Satan attacking me in my weakness was exactly what he wanted. 

No pit is so deep that He is not deeper still.  Lord, I come to You right now on behalf of my relationship with Josh.  Cause discouragement to be gone, cause Josh to realize that in You he can find all he needs .Help him to hear Your voice, allow him to continue on the road to healin.  Lead him to the place where he is asking for help from others, besides me.  I come against the attack of Satan, right now, in bringing discouragement.  The fight has to continue.  Lord, help him.  Surrougn him with men to help him keep his guard up.  Anytime I bring up something we disagree on, may Josh realize the extent of my hurt. Pour grace on my words, may we both be humble in God's sight. 

I wanted to make sure we didn't allow temporal happiness to take precedence over the possibilty of eternal damnation.  This was a work that needed to be complete, not clouded by instant gratification. 

Story of Hope and Restoration--Part 58

Money was a problem; so much of Josh's lifestyle had racked up a lot of bills. Subscriptions had to be canceled, and I was faced with seeing more an more of the things he had done.  He wasn't completely repentant of the things he had done. He was sorry for hurting me. (sometimes)  BUT he was happy about and glad he got to experience this for himself.  He had no deep regret; I prayed for "someday!" Silently taking it all in and writing in my journal was the only way to cope with the sorrow my heart felt.  Brokeness, Lord, I pray for brokeness at the thought of hurting You! 

Josh called me, out of the blue, to ask me to pray with him.  I am so glad he was reaching out. It was a glimpse of how weak he was, and his complete lack of self-control.  It was hard to fight someone else's spiritual battles, but I was so glad that he was actually trying to fight and not alone! 

Lord, give Josh a hunger and a burden to spend time with You and in Your Word. Lord, You will lead him through this when he seeks Your face. Convict his heart to allow others to set some boundreies where THEY feel it's necessary.  Allow others to help align his compass. 

Wanting boundries, oh, yes, I did! Wanting him to stop looking on Craig's list.  I wasn't going to beg to protect him, but I do wish he wanted it.  He wanted protection, but he wanted it his way.  He didn't want other people's wisdom.  I had to acknowledge things were gradually getting better, at least liveable.

I had to give it all I had, never give up, never let up.  Deliverance comes through abodeience and the fight is never won through halfheartedness.  I must fight...UNTIL!! 

The Lord still worked on my pride, too!  Would I embrace the Lord's visitation in humility as much as in power?  Feasting on God's Word was the only way I continued in my journey. 

Questions of ministry and the steps he needed to take to reclaim his position caused my heart to ache.  It was only 2 weeks; why did he think it would be that easy?  Why was it even a question?  In fact, didn't he say he hated ministry?  Didn't he say he was "made" to be a pastor?  Oh, yes, I still replayed the lies in my head; I knew the truth. I wondered during these times if he even remebered his own words?

Story of Hope and Restoration--Part 57

November 25th, the Lord's Day....I felt so refreshed.  God was working in my life, even if I didn't feel it or see it.  I have experienced the miracle of ANSWERED PRAYER!!!  Thank you, Lord!! 

Josh sang a song in church that he had written many years prior.  He had asked special permission.  To explain what happened during that song would be an understatement.  The Holy Spirit was doing a work, for sure. Josh apologized to the congregation for living a lie; it was a step in the journey, that I will never forget.  Things still needed to be broken, but we were definitely moving forward.  God was definitely breaking Josh in to pieces. 

After this service, however, Satan turned the heat up.  We fought for like 2 hours; Josh said a lot of hurtful things.  He mentioned wishing he had never even come home; how everything was my fault.  Maybe I am just too hard to please?  The cliche of the "grass is greener on the other side,"  well, Josh said that was right on! 

As I gained control of my feelings, without the overwhelming ups and downs, Josh felt things were going great. If I lost control, well, it was all my fault.  If I could keep my attitude in check, then we would get through this just fine.  My life felt like such a lie; Josh felt our recovery was based on my not feeling.  We had so far to go. 

The next day, however, was a pleasant surprise. I saw a glimmer of hope; Josh didn't completely pull away.  As I pushed him away, he actually moved closer.  It was refreshing. I was scared to death! Was this real?

Story of Hope and Restoration--Part 56

A day of thanksgiving: Thank you, Lord, for bringing my miracle home.  The birth of my dream took time; the road to recovery has lots of bumps.  BUT I have my husband home, may I never forget that this is my dream.  Babies are never independent, first off.  Thank you, Lord, for Your continual strength that allows me to make this journey without falling apart.  I wish Josh could see how weak I feel.  My heart, Lord, You are my lover. My loneliness is only decreased in You.  I feel so disconnected from Josh.  My day will come, Lord.  This is only a season and You see it complete.  Lord, continue to be my husband; my guide; may You conitnue to erase my fears. Allow me to be the lover that Josh needs; may he see Your love throuhg me.  May he learn to lean on You by watching me lean on You.  Thank you, Lord, for what You have done with brining life back into my dead marriage.  The years that Satan has stolen; God, You are restoring.  You are the God of restoration!! 

Psalm 130: Wait on the Lord!
Psalm 130: 8  And He sall redeem Israel from all his iniquities. 

Some days felt so good, like we made progress.  Josh felt he was doing better, but, of course, I worried he was just hiding his feelings. He had done this so many times, since he knew the "process" as well as I did.  His computer and second phone were still with him, everyday.  I just knew that some things would have to be given up in order for progress to REALLY happen. 

Josh told me I was priority, all along.  Yes, he believed that lie.  I sometimes felt like quitting; he told me I needed to work on being more sexy, more available.  Wow!  I mean, really?  Some days I felt we took MORE steps backwards.  I was continually being informed of things I needed to change, in order to make sure this never happened again.  Was I the one at fault here? 

Reminding myself that I needed to leave an example for the kids kept me going.  I can show them how to love like Christ loves, but I did pray that someday they would see a wonderful, ideal, loving marriage, too! None of this was ever what I expected. 

Being submissive and helpful and supportive were all things I could do, but I didn't have any desire to worry about Josh making his own mistakes.  He needed to make his decision and lead; I would follow.  The desire to be his "Holy Spirit" was gone.  I almost felt like I didn't care.  I felt horrible feeling this way about the love of my life, the man I cared so much about.  I cared about his soul, but I didn't care to work about making him happy.  He never noticed when I did try.  I worried about getting pregnant again; did I want more children with this man?  Did I want the risk of being left alone with more children? 

God continually worked on my heart, answering all of my questions.  The size of my family was NOT for me to decide. And my marriage was in God's hands, this wasn't new.  My feelings for Josh were a continual battle, but they were temporary.  Allowing God to keep me soft was so painful.  Worrying about being left alone was only the devil causing fear.

Story of Hope and Restoration--Part 55

Keeping my attitude right was a constant battle for me.  I had to make sure that things Josh did, which had nothing to do with him leaving did not make me mad.  My lawn still wasn't mowed, this was after two months. His junk was all over; the mattress pad he bought for them was left on the table as a constant reminder for almost 2 weeks.  He had a pile of things to go to the garage, things from while he was gone.

I was so glad my mom had come for a visit; Josh thought because he was home that he was officially meeting my needs again. He really had no idea? The snapping at me for every little thing was so overwhelming at times. Working on being available and no being as cold as I felt was something God worked on with me, DAILY!  God helped me, and reminded me that someone like Josh...broken could not help anyone. 

Josh wanted me to know how badly he felt for the other woman, since her husband was just not there for her. She had to empty her own trash; her husband was always busy, working.  She was neglected emotionally.  It never crossed his mind how he treated me.  It just shows how sick a person can get, in
justifying their behavior. 

God wanted us together; I knew it. Satan still used Josh to speak death, constantly.  When he had a bad day he would still tell me how he wished he had just met her before me.  And, yes, friends, this was after a week of being home.  I wondered if this would ever feel right again. 
The kids were doing a bit better now, not as much crying. We kept a good attitude in front of them; Josh was pretty good at pretending.  I am not sure they saw the same changes I did; Josh never asked how my day was or what we did.  All of those texts I got when he was gone were completely non-existent now; I was more disconnected than before.  

Story of Hope and Restoration--Part 54

It's been a few days; the Lord has really been dealing with me. It's hard to write this part of the story, almost harder than the previous. Maybe because some of this seems unbearable to think of telling someone to "deal with!"  How do you counsel someone to stay in a marriage that seems that it's going no where?  The Lord has lead me to finish telling the story; it needs to be written. AND you need to know some of how bad it got, so that you can REALLY see how GOD can take something seemingly dead and raise it back to life. 

Wanting Josh to be accountable was something I so badly wanted, but it wasn't going to happen because of my own doing. He lied to everyone anyway, so why would I put him in a position to lie?  The pride that had so engulfed Josh was still very evident, in fact, he almost took pride in how strong of a Christian he had "helped" me to become?  We were all so strong, and he helped us get there?  The pride was sickening. 

Josh never took in to account my feelings on our sexual relationship, in fact, he could only think about himself, in this aspect.  AND because I had purposed to be his wife in any area, I gave it to God.  His mind was so distorted, but I knew I had to be there for him.  He had no problem with lusting after me, and it felt so wrong.  He had no desire to make me happy, no desire to win my heart back.  My heart was so wounded; my feelings for him were NOT the same. Many days he left for work without even a kiss; he just left.  BUT I promised God I would be in this FOREVER.   I felt hopeless, however, and I needed God more than ever.

Josh's idea of reconciliation was really just doing it his own way; he said he knew what it would take. He agreed to no contact with the other woman, but it didn't matter that somehow phone calls, e-mails, or an occasional stop at her work to drop a bottle of wine creeped in.  I felt we were going no-where.  I got on the phone to all of the family; we just needed to pray, like he wasn't home, yet!  It was really that bad. 

He continually battled feelings for her, and sometimes thought it would be a good idea to share them with me. Talking about how cute their kids would have been seemed to get brought up frequently, but I think I was just numb to it.  I felt bitterness creeping in, and I was drained and exhausted. I felt I was carrying a huge load, and I was so tired.  The bitterness was taking it's toll, because I felt I couldn't cope with him constantly.  If it felt bad before it felt worse now. 

Prayer was the only thing that was going to change this thing; both of these people were so sick. They said they didn't want to keep it going, but they did.  These bonds had to be broken!!  Josh needed to start making a daily choice. 

November 20th, Josh asked me on a date.  My mom was coming for a visit, and we thought it would be good to go out.  One of Josh's clients had given him a gift certificate for us to use, and he had saved it. (yes, saved it for us)  We made an agreement to NOT talk about the mess while were out.  It was pleasant enough.  Baby steps....

Story of Hope and Restoration--Part 53

The way up is down; to lay hold you must let go; to be filled you must become empty.  I did not know all of the answers, but I did know that God had gotten me through so much already. He could see me through this, too! 

I wanted a husband who desired me in a pure way, but it was going to be a long road. I felt so used, but I was his wife. I would be that in any way he needed. 

Josh called the other woman's husband and apologized for his behavior; he called her father and apologized, as well.  He had set up some boundries, but it was still heart-wrenching that he wanted to be with her over me.  He struggled those first couple weeks with NO CONTACT, but by this time I had staked my claim. 

I went to her house, and I talked with her. I told her he was sick and to leave him alone. Of course, she promised.  BUT she was sick, too! So, it didn't help all of that much.  They continued to have contact, but after she got it through her head how stupid it was, she contacted me to let me know that he had called her again.  That was it.....last time! I let him know that I knew, and he never did it again.  Step ONE, down......sorta. 

I still had to listen to the garbage...about wishing he had met her 10 years ago, then he wouldn't be dealing with any of this mess.  Now do you see why I called this HELL WEEK?  I knew, to a degree, what I was getting myself into when I said he could come home in ANY condition. 

If I had said NO when he asked to come home.....he would have walked away, for good!  Everything I had said would have been a lie, now I had to walk it out!

Story of Hope and Restoration--Part 52

Preliminary testing for the police academy was in Santa Maria, so we drove together, as a family!  Did Josh remember what it was like to have ALL of us?  Having a big family can cause lots of unwanted stresses, but that's life. I loved it; he used to.....did he still?

Romans 4:21  And being fully persuaded that what he had promised; He was able to perform. I said it...OVER AND OVER.  I said it when I found out he went to her house, AGAIN. I said it when he went by her work to drop off a bottle of wine.  I said it when he called her.  I said it when he e-mailed her. I said it when I asked him NOT read her response.....oh, God, what had I done!!  Was it YOU that asked me to do this? 

2 Corinthians 10:5 "EVERY thought into captivity to the obedience of Christ!"  I had to work on this constently.  All of the questions: Was they good cooks? Were they REALLY better women? Were they really that good in bed? Were they skinny? Were they good moms? 

Josh came home because it was right, not because of me.  He continually commented on ways I could be like her, and he would rather be having fun with her. He wanted to plan her birthday.  He wished he could go out.  He talked about how we couldn't get pregnant again, since it was an accident with Levi?  I hated hearing him talk like the world!  Those were lies.  He agreed that he hurt me, but I don't think he saw how badly or how deeply.  Having him back made me not want to fight! Yes, I fought for 3 months but having him home made it feel worse!  What was I going to do?

Josh wanted us to move on, to talk about when he would get his ministry back, how to move forward and grow closer?  He wanted to talk about it now, but he didn't want to do anything about it.  He kept his second cell phone; he took his computer to work with him, still, and he still spent time on the phone with "friends!" 

As he moved more of his things back to the house it seemed more permanent, but I was still so hurt.  He didn't want me to meet his landlords, because he had said we were getting a divorce. It made no sense to them, since Josh was so wonderful....I must not be worth it?  He told them he was going to give it another try.  Wow...what a journey.  It was SO far from being over!!!

Lord, I need You!

Story of Hope and Restoration--Part 51

Josh called; we talked for 40 minutes. He was coming home!!!!  It didn't feel right, but it was a step. I knew that my prayers were answered, but this was just the beginning.  I was going to have to get even more desperate.  The real fight was just beginning.  Satan wants my family, and I cannnot let him have it.

My trust in the Lord and Him helping me keep my lips zipped-my judgements-I can take these to God.  I needed to allow God to continue healing and leading me to where He wants.

Josh told the kids he was coming home; they could not have been happier.  I called my mom and Josh's parents.  It seemed to unreal; this was what we waited for. Our lives had been on hold, and this WAS it.  I told my mom that I believed he would come home, but that I only believed him because he had told the kids.  If it had just been me I knew he would have changed his mind. He had hurt me enough, but he told them.  He would be home.  BUT his heart was FAR from home. 

He requested some time to say good-bye to the other woman.  WHAT do I do, God?  How do I handle this? Can I trust you with how close I am to getting what I asked for?  Yes, I still had doubts!  I gave it to God. 

Josh came home in the flesh, but he was struggling with wanting his life in the world.  This was going to be one HUGE battle.  Jael spent most of the day crying; she is so wounded. 

This next week was what I would call, "Hell Week!"  I had been talking with my mom for HOURS upon HOURS every night, and no more!  How could I sit and cry for hours with my husband around again?  I had no one to talk to, and all of the emotion.  I also knew that if anyone knew what the week was going to hold......would they think I was crazy?

Story of Hope and Restoration--Part 50

November 15, 2007

"If you believe in the power of prayer...PRAY....I don't know what is happening to me...but PRAY!" 

I received that text from Josh! He said, "tell everyone we know!" BUT don't call me....I made sure everyone I knew was praying. I dropped to my knees and prayed like I had never prayed before. I had no words; I know that I only spoke in tongues. I knew God was doing something, but I had nothing to say!  BUT I had to pray...DO IT, LORD!!

Apparently, the other woman had seen me in Albertsons, saw me with the children and said she couldn't do it anymore. She broke it off with him.  He was not going to take no for an answer, so he immediatly tryed to win her back. He was not ready to give up. 

In between her receiving an e-mail from him begging her and promising marriage and moving away, and her response to this e-mail......GOD got a hold of his heart.  Josh was at work, and he started crying uncontrollably.  He knew he had a choice. He could submit to this or forever turn his back.  He had a choice.