A Prophetic Repentance

From the prodigal to the stander:

There are some things that I need to say to you.  When you read this I may not even be at the place in my life where these words can actually come out of my mouth.  However, I know that somewhere deep down locked away in my heart these words desperately want to come out.  Even though I am sorry, this is more than just an "I'm sorry"; this is a prophetic repentance.

I need to apologize for who I have become.  Who I am right now is not the person that you married.  The person that you married would never hurt you or do you harm.  I am confused, lost, and sick.  I don't know who I am.  I cannot seem to find my bearings to get home to you.  I am so sick that everything that I once held dear I have forfeited and sold so that I could remain sick.  Any sane person would have sold everything to find a cure for their illness but I have sold everything so that I could become sicker.  The person that you married was strong and secure.  They were unafraid to put a ring on the finger and be called yours.  But the person that I was on our wedding day was replaced by a deranged individual that wants to hurt you.

I need to apologize for lying to you.  I told you that I would love you forever.  I told you that I would be there in sickness and in health.  I said I would be there for richer or for poorer.   I said I would love you for as long as we both lived.  Our love was supposed to be the one that made everybody else jealous.  We were supposed to be together until death.  When you ask me if everything is OK, I lie to you.  I'm not OK.  I have been struggling for a long time.  You have never judged me but I feel as though if I told you how I was struggling, you would.  It is my own insecurities that make me this way.

I need to apologize for being extremely selfish.  I have not cared for a moment about the consequence of my actions.  I have only been interested in the things that made me happy.  Actually these things I have been doing and involved in didn't really make me happy.  They appeased me for a moment.  It feels like I am addicted to doing the wrong thing.  My actions give me a temporary buzz but afterwards, when I am alone, I feel completely empty.  I don't remember the last time I felt complete.  Wait!  Yes, I do remember.  The last time that I felt whole and complete and truly happy...was with you. I want to come home.

I need to apologize for breaking your heart.  I took your most precious gift and tore it all to pieces.  I did not think for a moment about what I am doing and how it would affect you.  When we became husband and wife, and probably some time before, you gave me all the pieces of your heart.  The good, the bad, the ugly. You entrusted me with all those pieces.  And I took them and have used them as a weapon against you.  I took your heart, broke it, stepped on it, and spat on it.  I took the only thing that ever really mattered to me and destroyed it.

I need to apologize for destroying your ability to trust.  You trusted me to keep your heart safe.  You trusted me to act as though you were physically standing next to me, even when you weren't.  You trusted me to make decisions that were in the best of us, not just me.  You trusted me to share only with you my most intimate parts; physically, emotionally, and spiritually.  I took those things and gave them to someone else.

I need to apologize for failing you.  You used to lean on me for strength when you were weak.  I used to protect you from everyone.  I promised to love you.  I promised to be there.  You trusted me.  You loved me.  You were always there.  And I failed to hold up my side of the covenant.

I need to apologize for turning from and running from God.  He is the One that brought us together.  He is the One that was going to keep us together.  He still is.  However, right now I left Him.  I don't feel like I can even approach Him.  It feels like I can't come back to Him because of everything that I have done.

You know me better than anyone else.  You always have.  I think that is what makes all of this so difficult for you.  Who you see in me now is not who you have always known.  But the me you have always known is still here.  I am covered in sin, filth, and shame right now.  And I don't want you to see me like this.  It makes me feel uncomfortable.  That's why I always put on a front when we are around or when we talk.  I might come off as carefree and uncaring, or mad and unavailable, or cold and calculating.  But I have to act that way to push you away because the way that you love me makes me feel unworthy.  I know that you want us back together.  I do too but I don't know how to get there.

The way that I look on the outside is not how I feel on the inside.  I still love you.  But I put myself into this extremely dangerous cycle that I don't know how to break.  This cycle that I find myself is going to kill me if I don't get out of it.  Will you please help me break it?  Will you pray for me?  Will you pray that God finds my weak spot?  Will you pray that in that weak spot God pours His powerful grace though it?  Will you pray that His grace breaks me to my very core and allows the person that you married to be made right again?  Will you pray that who you know I really am to come back into the foreground?  Will you pray that who I have become is destroyed?  Because I want to come home.

I know that the road home is going to take a whole lot of hard decisions.  I know that getting us back to where we are supposed to be is going to take a whole lot of work.  And I am sure that I am going to act as though I don't want to do it.  But deep down, I am willing to do anything to get us back.  I want to come home.

Can I come home?  Will you help me find my way?

Your prodigal

This may not seem true to life for you right now but it is the truth.  You may never hear this from your spouse but this is what is going on inside of them.  These are things that you need to know.  This is a prophetic repentance from a former prodigal (Josh) that is now a stander.

Do not lose heart in your stance.  Your prayers do not fall on the ears of a deaf god.  Our Heavenly Father hears every one of your prayers.  Stand strong, friends.

Josh and Serena