For Your Eyes Only

Do you make your spouse read?  Do you point out what they SHOULD be doing? Do you read lines out of books to help make them see YOUR side?  Do you highlight when you read a marriage book, with the idea that maybe they will see what YOU see as important? 


Marriages in crisis do NOT need two people to fix.  Yeah, we know that is NOT what you have been told.   It is possible to be done with only ONE spouse willing to work on the marriage. Eventually, with God's help, we believe that you will eventually be on the same page. BUT that doesn't mean after one month of putting things into practice all of your new-found information will fix everything and you will both be back in the honeymoon stage. 


Your spouse does NOT need you pointing out what they should be doing to make things better.  They do NOT need to read this blog in order to help them.  If you are reading this blog, then it's meant for YOU!  Praying with your spouse, fasting with your spouse, devotions with your spouse, love and respect of your spouse, needs of your spouse....those are ALL good, but the things you learn are meant for YOU. 


I (Serena) have read countless marriage books; honestly, I thought if I could get Josh to read even ONE book--MAYBE we would be on the same page!?!?!  Do you not realize that this is SUCH a lie--in order to cause more tension?  Josh has still yet to read even a fraction of the books I have read, but he is an amazing husband!!! How can that be?  If we haven't stressed it enough....let's say it again. GOD is the ultimate teacher--not YOU! 


We can always learn new things from things we read, but maybe those things were meant for ONLY you. We all learn at different speeds and in different ways.  It's not in your job description to make sure your spouse knows all of the things YOU know.  If there is something lacking, take it to God.  Cry out and ask HIM to reveal what need to be revealed.  Allow Him to work on your heart and see if it's your own selfishness or could it be that your spouse DOES need to learn something.  God has continued to amaze us in how HE can be the ultimate teacher.  And, no, that doesn't mean you should insist that your spouse read their Bible every day in order to hear God's voice on what YOU have been praying about. 


Being out in the world Josh was NOT reading his Bible at all....so, HOW did God speak?!?!  We assume we have it all figured out, but we have no idea how BIG our God is.  What is He capable of using?  Do you want to limit His resources to using only you?  Oh, yes, he can USE you, but is that His best?  Countless times in the last few years we have seen God use other people and things to put us on the right course.  It really works so much better than us putting our HUMAN limits on a BIG God. 

We have placed so many limits on God that His Spirit has no room to even move.  In reality, God's Spirit could depart from our midst and we wouldn't notice any difference. With today's resources through books, music, tapes, computers, we can really do an impressive job without God's help.  "Do it MY way" ....that's the motto.  It's very easy for highly motivated, gifted, and successful leaders to run ahead of God.

Don't misunderstand us, we are not against any of the ways God will use.....we DO have a blog, afterall. But without God's blessing we labor in vain. Our pastor even pointed out a few weeks ago how we can have everything in perfect place and appear to look right, but God is not really invited to make His presence known. We have been in small groups where there was no technology and no music but where there was an overwhelming sense of God's presence. It's not about what WE think is right, but have we truly asked God to speak to us--and invite HIM to do the work of changing hearts? 

When Balaam was about to use his God-given gift and calling for the wrong reason with the wrong motive, God had to use a donkey to stop him dead in his tracks. Read the story in Numbers 22. It's fascinating. Imagine the shock when Balaam's donkey spoke to him. In today's world we think it needs to be some book, blog, or TV program that will catch our spouse's attention--or maybe they will listen to our nagging SOON ENOUGH.  Do you want that?  Or do you want to shut your mouth and let the DONKEY do the talking?  Which do you think will make the BIGGER impact?  Do you want to be known as Balaam's donkey or would it be easier to let GOD decide?

God may have to use a few "donkeys" today to get his people to hear and see what is happening.  BUT maybe we should let God decide who He is going to use, and we will stick to praying that God do it....however HE wants.  If God's is going to use US as "donkeys" we want to make sure that is EXACTLY what He wanted.  Balaam's donkey was probably never an "ordinary" donkey after that encounter. 


Josh and Serena

Unmet Needs

If you are listening you will hear most stay-at-home mommies complain about not having enough adult conversation in their day.  For some odd reason they don't enjoy and relish their in depth conversations with 2 and 3 year olds.  Strange....

A common complaint coming from the camp of men is that they don't get enough sex.  Even if they are getting it 3+ days a week...it's not enough.  Is it ever?  (HAHAHAHA)

The point is not about women not having enough conversation or men not getting enough sex.  The point is that all of us have needs that sometime, or maybe all too often, go unmet.  For us to make this grounds for divorce or separation is ludicrous!  If we believe that another imperfect human being can somehow fulfill all of our needs, we are believing a lie.

You are imperfect; your spouse is imperfect.  We get mad and irritated when that other imperfect person in our life does not meet all of our own imperfect needs.  If you, as the more sexually-charged member of your marriage, become mad that you are not getting enough sex maybe you should ask if you are giving the other what they are needing.  Or if you are mad because they want more frisky behavior and all you want is some more adult conversation, ask yourself are you giving it up first?  Sounds a bit hypocritical, huh?

If we are honest with ourselves we will have to admit that we have dismissed our spouses needs only to push for the fulfillment of our own.  Not only hypocritical....how selfish of us!  And we (Josh and Serena) are no exceptions.  We have done this over and over again.  Not as often but still it can be an issue.

However, life is all about cycles.  Cycles of sin, of depression, of success, of increase...cycles are present all around us.  Women have a monthly cycle that men learn early on to give a wide berth to.  Men have them too!  It sometimes takes women...and men...to learn the guy's cycle.  But, I digress...

Cycles...we all have them.  If you can honestly look at your life and the cycle of your marriage, you will see that their are times when you get all the sex you can handle, men, and you get all the conversation you bring forth, women.  It's not about actually having a need that is unmet.  It's about not having the need met when you demand it.  That is what makes us most angry.

But, all of this is beside the point.  Here is what the Word of God says about it...

Philippians 4:19

And my God will meet all your needs

according to the riches of his glory in Christ Jesus.



Often we hear this preached and taught that this is in reference to the material, financial, and tangible needs that we have.  Why do we limit the ability and resources of God?  If His Word says that He will meet ALL of our needs, doesn't He mean ALL of our needs?  Not only the monetary and material but also the emotional, spiritual, and....yes, sexual needs.  It may seem weird to think about God being able to meet our sexual needs but the Creator made our bodies; I think He has knowledge sufficient to know how to satisfy or suppress those needs.

If your need is for more in depth, heart-felt communication and you are unable at this time to get it from your spouse, talk to God.  He is a great listener but He also has more than enough to say that it will far exceed the fulfillment of your need.  If you need more of the physical type of love (sex), look to God.  He will be able to quench that longing in your physical body by giving you more to deal with in the spiritual realm that you will forget about that minor need.

Whatever you need, God's got it.  He's ready to give it to you...just ask.

Josh and Serena

Default Settings

Do you know what your default settings are?  That is, what are your reactions or behaviors based on your instincts or experiences?  If not, you need to find out what they are.In the world of computers, the default settings are what you use to reset when things have become messed up and you need to start over with restored settings.  In a marriage though the wrong defaults can cause serious harm and permanent damage (intentional or unintentional) if left unchecked.

When you get into an argument with your spouse and they are not seeming to get your point, what do you do?  Raise your voice...to the point of screaming?  Do you tear of the emotional scab to reveal a festering wound in the life of your spouse?  Do you criticize or cut them down?  Or maybe none of these hit home-maybe you just check out...you know, turn off the volume to their voice in your ears?  Do you leave the house...practicing the leaving of your spouse?  Do you throw things?  Break stuff?  Or do you use artificial stimulants (alcohol or drugs-Rx or illegal) to help you cope with the situation?  Maybe you just accept the blame for the fight and sweep it under the rug and make it go away (This can be just as bad as any of the others).  This is not an all inclusive list.  We think you get the idea...you can fill in your own default setting.

Here's the point-if you have destructive defaults they are just that....DESTRUCTIVE!!  They don't help the situation; they only make it worse.  They don't build up; they only tear down.  When we resort to our destructive defaults we are never able to establish a foundation upon which good things can be built.

As you read this the Holy Spirit is already revealing things to you about the way you react to your spouse.  You might be asking yourself how they got there in the first place.  They may have taken root in your life when you were young.  You may have seen your parents or other people present in your life at an impressionable age do those thing and they instilled them in you.  Maybe those destructive defaults came from your own undisciplined life and habits.  They may have come from something that gave you comfort at a very difficult time in your life.

For me (Josh) one of the my destructive defaults is (was) mentally checking out...to the point of sleeping.  Whenever I get stressed or agitated, I want to sleep.  I sleep great anyways, without having stress in my life.  I can pretty much sleep anywhere...quickly!!  But, when I sleep I don't have to deal with the reality or gravity of the situation.  It is so much easier to check out and take a nap than it is deal with Serena and the situation at hand.  It is not a good default but it is something that I endeavor to change.  It was so bad that when we were in the hospital having our first child I slept through Serena's water breaking, nurses checking in, and most of 24 hours of steadily increasing, Pitoccin-induced contractions.  I know, I know....BAD DEFAULT!!  (But, humorous to look back on now!)

For me (Serena) one of my biggest destructive defaults is the desire to leave the situation...to the point of driving away without telling Josh.  It is something that I have put a MAJOR stop to but, I must admit, that the desire has yet to leave.  Now, fortunately, Josh and I get into so few BIG fights that it's really not an issue.  Still, it is something that is destructive to the foundation of our marriage.  I was the one that stood for Josh and our marriage and the devil would want to use my desire to leave (for some alone time) to speak lies to Josh that I am not coming back.

Whatever reason you have those distinct defaults, it is not acceptable to keep them.  Not if you are desiring to improve or save your marriage, that is.  You must identify them and then replace them with new defaults.  New, CONSTRUCTIVE settings that you put in place of the old, destructive ones.  This will not be easy but it is possible.

Constructive default settings look like this- praying for your spouse when you would rather tell them off, serving them when they are undeserving, humbling yourself and remaining quiet when you have words that are unkind, showing love even when it hurts, choosing never to believe that evil reports that the enemy would speak against your spouse, building them up when they have torn you down.  Again, the Holy Spirit is speaking to you now about what you can do to replace the old with the new.  Listen to Him and then obey.

Like we said, this will not be easy.  It will go against your seemingly natural, knee-jerk reactions.  But, with time and practice these new defaults will become your own.  These new defaults will speak volumes to your spouse.  Often times when we argue with our spouse, each of us will be enabling our destructive defaults.  And, we wind up in the same place each time...NOWHERE!!  However, if you are able to change your defaults, you will force (ever so gently, of course) your spouse to respond differently.

Don't let destructive defaults run your marriage.  Change them and let your defaults become Christ-honoring and watch your marriage blossom.

Josh and Serena

You Did What?

Criticism in standing for the covenant of marriage can come in so many different forms. I am going to list a few only so that you realize--we get that it's not an easy road. We get that you might feel alone.....but we also wish we could encourage you to understand that those people NOT standing also feel some of those same things.  Satan wants to make sure you feel so alone....alone, so that you give up. 

Soon after deciding that I would NOT--NOT EVER---file for divorce I had a Christian lady tell me that I was stupid. She actually told me that I was a door mat, and I should think better of myself and not allow Josh to treat me so badly.  The saddest part--her husband had cheated on her, and she didn't even know it.  He has never told her, probably out of fear that she would leave him.  I was not very close to her in the first place, but her husband felt a passion to try and talk some sense into Josh.  Once Josh came home he had told me a few of the things that this man had told him--how it wasn't worth it, etc.  AND, no, it had no impact on him at the moment.  BUT my point is...people will not always support you, and they will think you are stupid, even a door mat, or someone with low self-esteem.  AND may I say, it takes GREAT courage to stand for your marriage.  Those feelings of worthlessness....they will come no matter what, so let us stand for truth, and we can stand before God with our heads held high. It's not about those people who don't agree; our self-esteem must be grounded in knowing that you are pleasing t. he Father. 

Pray God gives you those people that WILL support you; God will bring them.  My family was amazing, and I also had online support.

Once Josh came home, believe it or not....THAT was actually the REAL test. Since I did a "decent" job keeping things private about Josh's lies, behavior, and lifestyle most people didn't SEE him for how he really acted.  It wasn't until he got home that people did NOT understand why I was still with him, especially since some of his attitudes didn't change.  People were upset that he didn't go and repent to all of those people he had hurt.  Upset that the apologies they received didn't seem genuine. I had already gone through some of the toughest stuff--battling for him to be at home--I wasn't giving up now. I lost friends if I shared anything negative about Josh's behavior AFTER he was home.  To me, it was NOTHING compared to how he had been.  BUT apparently people assumed he should return home perfect, humble, repentant, and MISTAKE free.  Josh being home was a much harder road, so I want to make sure that people understand...if your spouse is HOME I "get" how it can be a living hell. Your dreams of a PERFECT spouse my be a LONG road. 

Josh was willing, after some mistakes, to allow me to point out things he may not have been aware of....this is a process.  Pray for God to soften your spouse's heart to allow you to be their eyes when they are not seeing the danger signs.  I had to sacrifice friendships to be the "mean" wife---all for my marriage.  It's hard, Friends!!  My heart hurts when I have to draw the line and say, "You can't call or text or chat with my husband!"  BUT the payoff is MUCH greater.

We have been attacked in regards to the size of our family, that we should NOT bring more children into the world because of past sins?!?  Honest, we don't deserve to have any of our children; they are each an amazing blessing.  Why should I think so highly of myself to tell God....what you want to bless us with....we can't have anymore, because so-and-so doesn't feel we deserve to raise another child?   We don't deserve any of God's blessings, and we are trying to not live in a place where we say, "NO" to God.  We have consequences for past sins, yes, but when God blesses us we are not going to live in guilt over those blessings!

Allowing people into such a horrible season in our lives has opened us up to a lot of attacks from Godly, Christian people.  It might shock you how many of our attacks are NOT from those in the world.  The world seems to understand mistakes, failures, and forgiveness a lot better than the Christian community. 

I grew up hearing, "Don't shoot the wounded, because some day YOU might be one!"  I hear it EVERY time I see someone do something that I know is wrong, as a reminder to check that I am not SHOOTING them, or that I am not treating them with a love that I would want if I were them.  We are NEVER above making a mistake, and I am not one to say that I could never fail.  Being treated with TRUE forgiveness and TRUE love is what I would need.  Often we do NOT realize what the other person is dealing with; we automatically assume they must feel great because they are just breezing through life with no consequences.  Wrong!  They are dealing with a lot more than they would care to admit--and their bill WILL eventually be tallied.  AND it's big enough without you adding in extra fees.