Separation and Divorce

A question was recently asked of us, "Don't you think that there are some reasons for separation and divorce?"  We have sat on this for about a week before we answered.  We never want to respond to a question based upon our own preconceived ideas.

Our position is a complicated one.  We hope that we can properly convey it in this post.  Mind you, this is OUR position based upon what we have seen, experienced, and learned through the Word of God.

To begin, we would have to address the concept of divorce.  What we believe about divorce is based upon what we believe about God.  We have said it before...God is bigger!  Bigger than any sin, fault, or short-coming we may have, you may have, or that your spouse may have.  He is able to do AWESOME things with a person and for a person that is fully submitted to Him and His will...no matter where it may take them.  And because we believe that, we believe that no marital situation is beyond His ability to reconcile and restore.  Therefore, we believe that there is NO reason for divorce.  For us, divorce is a very black-and-white issue.  God is bigger, therefore, divorce is not a grey area

We do understand that the Bible does allow for divorce.  However, the only reason for divorce, that the Bible gives, is for infidelity.  It does not allow for "We grew apart" or "Irreconcilable differences".  This may sound harsh but it does not even allow for divorce in the case of abuse!  And the divorce that is legal, in the eyes of God, was only given because of the hardness of OUR heart, not because God was not big enough to do His work of restoration!  The final stipulation that God put on those that did end up with divorce was that they should not marry again!  That is the subject of a different post altogether.

Knowing how we believe about divorce, let us address the issue of separation.  This is where things can get tricky.  Changing your status from married to separated is beginning to walk on some very dangerous ground.  On one hand, we could argue that sometimes it is necessary; on the other, you are beginning to practice living as divorced people.  Who gets the responsibility of raising the kids?  What bills are paid by whom?  Who leaves and has to find a new residence and who stays in the home that you built together?  So many questions, so many unique situations.

If your reason for becoming separated is to give each other some space, it is the wrong reason.  It's practicing divorce.  However, if it is a time where one spouse is living a life that compromises the safety of the family unit, we could see some benefits to a moderated and accountable arrangement.  Whether it is abuse or promiscuity, there could be an argument made for separation.  In our opinion, if you are proceeding with a separation arrangement with the intent of coming together again at a later date, you need to be held to the standards of married life by a someone willing to call you on the carpet for your actions.  You need to find someone that will watch you closely and help you to insure that you are not preparing for divorce but rather standing for your marriage.

Another aspect that was asked of us was how kids are affected by this whole process.  What should you do when kids are involved?  We definitely do not think that you should endanger you children if a spouse is abusive; neither do we think that you should divorce your spouse because they are that way.  Ask God to reveal a solution to the issue at hand (your kids protection and your marital restoration) so that He would be glorified.  He is so creative in the way He works; you cannot find nor create a situation that He cannot handle. 

There is no set rulebook for marital restoration.  There is no program that can guarantee success.  It is too difficult to explain every imaginable scenario where a separation would be the way to go.  For inevitably, the enemy of our souls will find a way to make that situation come to pass.  As a rule, we would not advise you to pursue separation because it becomes ground that is unstable.  Rather we would counsel you to seek the face of God to find out what He would have you to do.  He is far more wise than we are and His ways are WAY higher than ours.  God's way--COMPLETELY--is the only way that we know, that will insure your marriage to glorify Him.

Hopefully, we answered some of your questions in regards to separation and divorce.  We know we can be extreme in our views but Christianity is not a religion of mediocrity or passivity.  It is one that is all or nothing and is filled with extreme displays of affection for His beloved.  Being believers, that kind of commitment must be evident in our beliefs about marriage. 

I love my wife!  I love my husband!

Josh and Serena

Hiring an Attorney

Listen to advice and accept instruction, and in the end you will be wise. Many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails. Proverbs 19:20-21

The above scripture had to have been one of my favorite scriptures while Josh was gone--still is a favorite. What happens if you are served divorce papers? I have to be honest I had no idea what I was going to do if that happened. Knowing that I would never file for divorce was one thing, knowing that my husband has a procrastination issue was another....but WHAT IF the other woman convinced him and helped him fill out the piles of papers for him? What if he wanted it bad enough? Then I got the call asking me for the phone number for our attorney......and then the calls confirming that Josh was in the process of speaking with a local attorney that would help him file papers--QUICK AND EASY.

Did I cry? Oh, man....that is an understatement. What do you do? What do you say? Josh was a bit shocked to find out that I would NOT just sign papers willingly, that I would NOT be UGLY...but I wasn't going to just lay back and let him divorce me.

Do you need at attorney? We do not know the answer. Only your Lord God knows what His plans are for your family. In our marriage, divorce was never granted because our marriage was restored. Some of our readers are separated, not divorced. This is NOT the same thing--might just address that later.

You need to be asking God if you need an attorney, and not listening to advice from anyone else--parents, siblings, and even pastors do not have all of the answers. If you ask Him, God will provide His answer, not man's suggestion, which could be wrong.

It would be devastating if you were faced with a court situation, and you followed the direct advice of someone to not get an attorney, and then end up losing losing your home, your money, and sometimes your children. There is a big difference in your retaining an attorney to institute divorce proceedings, and your finding an attorney to defend you after your spouse files.

The Bible teaches the difference between a Christian bringing suit, and of defending yourself against the suit of someone else. If you have received divorce papers, you are being sued, possibly for everything precious to you.

So, to clear up any misunderstandings that you may have of my beliefs I would NOT say that in order to be a stander you can never seek counsel or have an attorney. I pray it never gets that far, but I do realize that every situation is NOT the same. If you are seeking the Lord, He knows your heart....I would not dare stand in judgement of what God is telling you to do.

"A real "stander" will not use an attorney, trusting God alone to be their advocate in the courtroom is NOT something I believe." I felt the need to address this, as even Josh was a bit surprised....

This is the analogy I was given when I was wondering what I would do, and if I was not trustsing God......if you are faced with a deadly disease; would you consult a doctor? We know that God alone is the Healer, so why go to a doctor or hospital if you are having a heart attack? The Lord gives special wisdom to some of His children so that they can help others. It's the same in this situation. Please, please, if at all possible ask God to lead you to the correct attorney--a Christian, someone who believes God can heal marriages, not someone just trying to get more money for another broken marriage.

If you have been served with divorce papers, action will not go away, simply because you choose to ignore all that is happening. (although it seems easier, at times)

If you were awakened in the middle of the night by a noise and discovered someone in your home, attempting to steal, what would you do? We know the Lord will protect His children, so would you roll over and go back to sleep? No way! You would be praying while you were on the phone calling for help from the authorities. Do the same in this situation. Prayers can end up stopping the whole process. I have READ about divorce proceedings that were in there final stages, and they were dropped suddenly. God is the God of SUDDEN miracles. Satan, the enemy of the family has broken into your home, he wants to stealing your spouse, your belongings, and possibly even your children. Yes, God will be your Defender and your Protector, but you need to be asking Him if He would have you seek legal counsel.

Unless you are the one who is initiating the divorce, hiring an attorney does not end your stand for marriage restoration. I do not believe you are less of a stander. We do not claim to have the answer for hiring an attorney; we have no idea. God has the perfect answer. Seek Him first! I am sure part of the assumption of my disagreeing with counsel comes from the fact that I am not the type to seek a doctor at the first sign of a cold. Indeed, this is correct! Which is why I didn't ever need a lawyer...I don't run to the doctor quickly....so, in this case, I didn't run to a lawyer at the first mention of Josh hiring one either. Run to God first. He will guide you.

"The way of a fool seems right to him, but a wise man listens to advice." Proverbs 12:15

Should This Make Us Rejoice?

"Divorce Rate Declining"

Let’s look at the details behind the headlines of some articles I came across. The marriage rate has dropped by nearly 30% in the past 25 years, and people are waiting about five years longer to marry than they did in 1970. The study also showed that divorce within the first ten years of marriage dropped by one-third among college educated women, while remaining stable among less educated women. Divorce rates are lowered because of economic strain...well, that makes no sense?  According the article, the money causes stress, but the reason for the decline may have more to do with the fact that they can't afford to be divorced.  This breaks my heart. 

One major reason for the divorce rate being down, according to the study, is due to more couples living together without marrying. The number of couples who live together without marriage has increased tenfold in the past 25 years. It's clearly NOT that divorce has declined...it's that our culture has changed.  God still calls it sin for each individual involved in such a relationship. Every form of media actually encourages this trial-run.

In 1970, most unmarried couples who lived together did so privately. Today such sinful living arrangements are proudly announced. This is true, even when a covenant spouse has been abandoned so that a prodigal spouse can enter the sinful relationship.  I knew it was just a matter of time during Josh's prodigal days that his relationship would escalate to this level....

Cohabitation is here to stay," says David Popenoe, a Rutgers sociology professor and report co-author. "I don't think it's good news, especially for children," he says. "As society shifts from marriage to cohabitation — which is what's happening — you have an increase in family instability."

Cohabiting couples have twice the breakup rate of married couples, the report's authors say. And in the USA, 40% bring kids into these often-shaky live-in relationships.

"It is important now to think beyond the divorce rate to other kinds of couple unions and look at how stable they are," says Barbara Dafoe Whitehead, a social historian and report co-author.

"It's a pretty short period of time for that change (cohabitation) to have occurred and to have taken hold in the way it has," she says.

In the USA, 8.1% of coupled households are made up of unmarried, heterosexual partners. Although many European countries have higher cohabitation rates, divorce rates in those countries are lower, and more children grow up with both biological parents, even though the parents may not be married, Popenoe says.

The USA has the lowest percentage among Western nations of children who grow up with both biological

parents, 63%, the report says.

"The United States has the weakest families in the Western world because we have the highest divorce rate and the highest rate of solo parenting," Popenoe says. (stats found in USA today, 2005)

When a prodigal mother or father is packing their bags, walking out on a family to pursue selfish interests, it is unfortunate that the individual cannot look 20 years ahead, and see their child, grown up, but scarred by what that prodigal is about to cause to happen. Once the enemy has blinded a spouse, they consider only the immediate, and not the long term. Divorce is legalized child abuse, for what it does to children. (Ouch!)  During Josh's absence this was the kind of thing that kept me standing.......

Moms and Dads say they want what is best for their kids. That has to be an intact home; I said BEST.... this does NOT mean that God doesn't protect our children.  BUT I am sick and tired of hearing about little boys and girls who cry themselves to sleep every night, and hearing about a brokenhearted child when a prodigal parent does not show up for visitation.  or for graduation, or for weddings, or for other monumental occasions, as promised. Children sometimes suffer silently; I can think of many things over the last 20 years that I have been saddened by--in regards to my parent's divorce.  This is NOT what God intended; it is NOT His best.  AND, yes, you can survive...this is about God's best.  

Of all the sad things I have seen and witness when a marriage breaks up, the most heartbreaking is a young lady who has become sexually active, going from man to man, in a futile attempt to recapture the love that her daddy did not give her. As an adult having come from a divorced home I am so grateful this is NOT my story, but I have seen it so many times.  No man on this earth will ever replace what a father has robbed from her. I pray that these girls can discover early that the love of God can replace the love of a selfish, absent, earthly father. I spent many nights crying out for Jael, praying she never had to go through the feelings of rejection. No matter how much a child can rationalize in their mind it's not about them....it still feels like it, at times.

If you are even slightly considering telling me today that, "I quit. This is too hard. Nothing is changing. Everyone says I deserve better" messages--do NOT think of doing that today.

Are you so concerned with your immediate happiness that you cannot do what God has called you to do?
What circumstances would change today if you stopped standing?
There is too much at stake for you to become selfish, as your prodigal spouse has already done. Standing for the restoration of your marriage does not cause harm to your child...it allows them to see that you serve a God that is "God of the impossible!"

Society now accepts cohabitation as normal. The judicial system has no problem with it.  But wait, in many instances, the church has accepted cohabitation. I know...you are thinking I have crossed the line, but it's true in a lot of churches. I am not saying this is YOUR church. Somehow, it has become acceptable for two people, not married to one another, to live together in adultery, and to not only attend church, but to be actively involved in church functions--until God convicts them, right?

So, the divorce rate may have dropped a bit......for many reasons......
BUT is there any hope? Yes, there certainly is. Although it won't be found--most likely in statistics. How do you gather statistics based on GOD in His reconciliation power? Statistics need to be based in that divorce is down 100% in YOUR marriage. This will happen when the Holy Spirit has touched the hearts of you and your spouse, and you both have responded and have started to live as God intended, as a husband and wife, forsaking all others, "Til death us do part."

This disease has a cure; the war can be won.  BUT only with God’s help. First, you need to do what God has shown you to do--remember this is NOT about Josh and Serena.  Instead of running into another relationship, with an even higher possibility of failure, you need to take a secure stand with God for marriage restoration.  Second, do not become a secret stander. Allow others, in your family, at work, in your church, and in your circle of influence to hear, by your words and by your actions that you mean business in this war against divorce. When I told my mom that I would stand for Josh and our marriage she said, "How bad does it have to get? When do I tell you it's okay to give up?"  I replied, "It will get bad; it'll get worse. No matter how bad it gets....I can NEVER give up.  Always remind me I said NEVER, EVER, EVER give up!"   I never did say I wanted give up...I have no doubt that letting people know that I would stick to what God told me to do and never change was critical to my never giving up.  People WILL watch to see if you are only a secret stander.

Reality Check

So, Serena and I were a little overwhelmed by the response to yesterday's post. We are so completely humbled right now. We spent quite a bit of time last night talking about the things that happened, comments that were shared, emails we received, and links on Facebook.

Serena was asked for the recipe for those pancakes. We will be sharing the recipe for those "pancakes" in another day or so. But, we decided that in today's post we needed to share some VERY difficult truths about people, about us, and about what it will take for you to stand for your marriage. You may not like what we have to say but it is said with absolute love for you. We do not want you to be discouraged by what the situation currently looks like or will look like tomorrow.

So, grab a seat, maybe a cup of coffee or tea, and I am pretty sure a box of tissues...

To start, we believe that NO marriage is too far gone! But this belief does not come from our own puny wisdom that we have learned through trial and error. We believe that every marriage is capable of restoration because we believe in and have faith in a God that is bigger! He is bigger than any circumstance or situation thrown at Him by man. He is bigger than any stubborn habits that we possess. He is bigger than the hardness of our hearts. If you cannot grasp, through faith, the enormity of the God that we serve....what hope do you have? If you think that the solution to your marital problems can be found in you, good luck. If you believe that God is bigger than the problem and that He is the solution...well, you have just completely changed the rules of engagement. I mean, you will have just enlisted the help of the God of impossibilities!

With all that being said, you have to understand that if you embark on a journey to save your marriage you must count the cost. Luke 14:28-30 speaks of a man that endeavors to build a tower, didn't count the cost to finish it, and after having laid the foundation abandons the project. As a result, everyone that looks at the half-finished tower mocks him for his ignorance. If you desire to make your marriage the best that it can be and you believe God to be bigger than what you are facing, be prepared for what is about to happen! Here is the cost factor that you must be aware of: Satan and all of his demons do not want to see someone standing in the gap for their spouse. It reminds him of Jesus standing in the gap for all of humanity. When you set your face (it should be like flint!) to bring restoration to your marriage, all the forces of hell will come against you to stop you in your tracks. But, if you have already believed that God is bigger, does it matter what comes against you?

Romans 8:31b "If God be for us, who can be against us?"

What is about to be said and shared will be very hard to read and not be taken as an offense. Please, remember, this is said out of complete love.

If you look at any part of our culture, you can see the waves of fads that come and go. A few years ago the world was introduced to 'WWJD' with little to no change to people's lives. I'm sure if you were to look back in pictures you would absolutely mortified by the clothes you CHOSE to wear 10, 15, 20 years ago. We can really see fads in the area of dieting. (This is not going to turn into a weight loss session!) In the world of dieting, we have The Hollywood diet, Atkins, HCG, Slimfast, Weight Watchers, Total Body Makeover, Jenny Craig, Biggest Loser....the list goes on and on and on. All of these have had their 15 minutes of fame. They come and go but most of them fail to change the real problem- you must have the desire to find and change your reasons for being fat and then, and only then, will you find the ability to make the changes that will change your life. Standing for your marriage CANNOT be a fad diet! You cannot one day wake up and say, "I am going to stand for my marital restoration!" Reason why? Because tomorrow will come and your spouse will do something stupid and you will say, "This is sooooooo not worth it! I'm done!" Standing for your marriage is you going all in with God and holding fast until the storm ends! We guarantee that before your marriage begins to glorify God it will get as ugly as hell! The only way that you can lose your marriage is if you stop standing!

Now, here is the rest of the "Milk and Pancakes" story. This is ugly and I (Josh) am very ashamed.

The day after Serena served me and showed Jesus' love to me, I turned on her like a rabid dog. I was used by the devil to tear her down. You see, I didn't recognize the love of Jesus through Serena until after I had returned from my prodigal lifestyle. I was trying to push her and God as far from me as possible. And since I couldn't push God; I pushed Serena. I told her things the day after for no other purpose than to let her know that I was done with her. The very day after her kindness was the first day that I asked her for the information about our legal insurance that we carried to see if they could help with divorce papers. That day was also the day that I made it known that I was deeper into pornography because I asked Serena for the security codes to unlock my computer. I now recognize that I had to push harder against the love shown to me in order for me to continue on the path I was choosing.

Everything that we talked about today are things that you must account for. You will not hear us tell you how to stand for your marriage because every marriage is different and God is not one to be locked down into a set of rules for restoration. But, you will hear us tell you the condition of your heart and your attitude in order to best facilitate a restored marriage.

Just so you know, this was very hard for us to write. On one hand, we want to encourage you to fight for your marriage with all that you have. On the other, we need for you to know that this will be no walk in the park. This will be the fight of your life but will be absolutely worth it! You are worth it! Your spouse is worth it!! Your marriage is worth it!!!

With a prayerful heart,

Josh and Serena